[I'mAllIn]

Say you were a wife with one remaining totally doable fantasy, rough sex. And I mean ROUGH sex! And say you're married to a really really nice guy, and I mean this in the very best way. Not too Beta, whimpy nice, but "never ever mistreat a woman" nice. A man who hardly raises his voice to his wife, even when she really does deserve it.
How in the world would you get a man like that on board with your fantasy?

[Almostrecovered]

talk to him and discuss measures on how to do it safely

also-work your way up to the level of roughness you want


my wife also has a "ravage" fantasy (I don't say rape fantasy because that isn't consensual by definition) and I found it intially hard to do at first because I had no interest in hurting her but we worked our way into doing what she liked while keeping me comfortable- her dirty talk during sex certainly helps as it gets me going to do it harder or faster or smack her butt, etc and it gives me an indication of what she wants

[nice777guy]

I'm a recovering Nice Guy - hence the name.

My concern with rough sex - which my wife didn't seem interested in until the end was very near - was that I would push things too far.

I think spanking is a good place to start. Go out and buy a "riding crop" style toy - maybe send him a text with a story about how you've been a bit bad(?) AND with a clear SAFEWORD signal. Then later - at bedtime - leave the crop out - wear a short top and nothing on bottom.

Must admit that I never considered my wife might enjoy a good spanking until reading stories LIKE YOURS here on this board! Came to be something we BOTH really enjoyed, thanks to my having been on this board.

But like Almost said above - you aren't going to get him to come home one day and simply ravage you. You'll need to find ways to build to it.

Safeword is a must. Start small - let him know how "good" it feels and that he's not really hurting you.

[Sawney Beane]

IIRC, Athol Kay has some stuff about this over on Married man sex life. Might be worth a look.

Keep in mind that your husband probably spent all of his formative years having the idea that you do NOT do rough sex knocked into him with the psychological equivalent of a lump hammer, though. It might take a while...

[Jen S]

I've struggled with this with my husband. I really want him to do that kind of thing in bed, but he just has an almost fundamental opposition to it. I don't think he's submissive so much as thoroughly unable to grasp the concept that some women want to be handled that way under the right circumstances. I wish I had a solution to it, but usually I just have to keep asking him to do it--which kind of removes the whole point of the thing.

I've had more success with getting him to try other fantasies of mine. He's very much a plain vanilla type guy so he has few out there interests of his own. But I've gotten him to try a little bit of the pink fuzzy handcuffs (on me) kind of thing. Sex toys he also goes along with now, but originally he was really intimidated by the whole thing.

Other fantasies I have like threesomes are ones I've read best stay just verbal fantasies so I'm fine with that. I want to try exhibitionism at some point but I have to figure out how to do that without hurting his feelings or getting him too upset with me. The last thing I want to do at this point is bring up some dumb fantasy and have him hurt.

[romantic_guy]

OMG Ok, I am a Beta learning how to become more Alpha (about 2/3 of the way through "The married Man's Sex Primer") but all MY wife would have to do is tell me and she would have it!!!

[Feelingalone]

I'mAllIn,

Having been a nice guy and vanilla once upon a time, it can be difficult to have the paradigm change you need of your husband. I would suggest a couple books for him to truly understand that since you are willing to give control to him and allow him to do this, that your level of emotional intimacy will grow. To kink, is to be completely honest with each other about your deisres and fantasies which to me creates an incredible bond.

There are many books on the psychology of emotional control. One is Living M/s which is available at Amazon. Another is Damn the Roses, Bring on the Thorns, although this book goes into more kink details whereas the former is about the emotional aspects of a 24/7 Master/slave relationship (And the connotations you are thinking with that terminology are all wrong). And as another poster mentioned Atholk's blog marriedmansexlife.com has discussions and links to othe materials.

I think you just need to communicate with him more and more about it. Do some research and find materials for him to really understand that there are women that truly desire kink. Heck rent the movie The Secretary and watch it together.

Anyway, just my two cents.

FA

[I'mAllIn]

Originally Posted by Sawney Beane

IIRC, Athol Kay has some stuff about this over on Married man sex life. Might be worth a look.

Keep in mind that your husband probably spent all of his formative years having the idea that you do NOT do rough sex knocked into him with the psychological equivalent of a lump hammer, though. It might take a while...

This is EXACTLY the problem for him, he was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home. The idea of laying a hand on a woman in anything but a loving, respectful way is just incomprehensible to him. Luckily he left the religion as a young man, before we met, and our sex life has not suffered at all. He has had no hang ups, but this might be a line he just can't cross.
I've been reading MMSL for a little while, and I've read his suggestions. The only one of his suggestions I haven't tried is to pick some porn of that variety and watch it with him, but that really makes me extremely vervous. If he totally hates it then I've pushed too far too fast and I can't un-go there. Well, the only other suggestion Athol had that I haven't used is to just get him to read MMSL, and I'm on the fence about that too. Could be a good thing, could go real bad real fast.
I guess probably the best suggestion is to just start slow and try to gradually ease him into it, although I could die of old age by the time we get even close to where I hope to go. Without giving TMI I'll just say we've been stuck in the same spot in the shallow end of the pool for a while now.

[romantic_guy]

Originally Posted by I'mAllIn

This is EXACTLY the problem for him, he was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home.

That is similar to our story, although not raised that way, we spent 14 years in fundamentalist churches. We still are Christ followers, but have a completely different paradigm of what that means. It took my wife many years to open up sexually. We can both thank a good friend of ours at a church we were going to. She was awesome and helped my wife to lighten up sexually. We joke when she gets a bit "uptight" that it is time to go see "so-and-so." We could talk about anything sexually with her. The "church" has not done a good job of teaching sexuality.

Be that as it may, maybe you could find a good book on sex and read it together. We do that and have discovered many great tools to add to our sex life. That may be easier than a DVD for him right now.

[I'mAllIn]

Originally Posted by romantic_guy

OMG Ok, I am a Beta learning how to become more Alpha (about 2/3 of the way through "The married Man's Sex Primer") but all MY wife would have to do is tell me and she would have it!!!

All she'd have to do is tell you? I just can't even find the right words. I haven't even gotten all the way through that conversation in my own head, let alone say it out loud

[Grayson]

In addition to telling him what you'd like along the lines of rough sex, also let him see you respond in a positive way during sex when he does something that approaches what you'd like (even distantly.)

Case in point: Since beginning our R, my wife has been embracing her own wilder side, enjoying rougher sex. In the past, we've indulged in some light bondage and spanking, but we went out and bought some bondage ropes from the local sex shop. She had a small, light whip-like crop, but got a larger one. More along the lines of my suggestion, though, in the middle of the action, my hand moved across her neck, and she gasped and moaned in a very receptive way. Afterwards, I asked her about it - she said that she wanted me to choke her a bit. Now, that's completely counter to any thoughts I'd ever had on how to treat a woman. But, safe word in place, we tried it soon after, and she quite enjoyed it. I still don't get it...does nothing for me (except seeing how she responds to it). It's made us both more receptive to cutting loose a little more than we have in the past.

You both need to be on board, but if you let him see that you enjoy an "entry level" variation on something, then let him know that your reaction will continue to escalate as he gets closer to the rougher acts you're interested in, he may be a little more encouraged to indulge you than just from hearing you say you might like it.
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[that_girl]

I would think it will be a slow work up to the type of sex you want, seeing that he isn't the aggressive type.

How rough do you want it? My husband and I like it rough, but he's a "take it" kind of guy, which I like. It's hard to fake that.

I would say to mention it to him, that you think it would be fun to have him get aggressive in bed and then talk about what that means. Don't be worried if he doesn't do it for a while...it has to come from within to really make it good. He'll have to work himself up to it to make it 'real'.

Or maybe he'll blow your mind and say he wants to do it too

[sigma1299]

I'mAllIn - My wife tells me the same thing you are telling your H and as has been said - it's a hard paradigm to change. My hard wired programming to never harm a woman or even be disrespectful makes it an extremely uncomfortable place for me to go which we all know is not conducive to good sex. It's not that I don't want to - I'll give anything a try that's important to her. We seem to wind up in this same place where I'll try lightly smacking her on the butt or pinching her nipples a little harder and she'll say it's good but we seem to get stuck there. I don't know if she doesn't know what she wants beyond that, if she doesn't know how to say it, or just thinks its my job to figure it out. The thing is it's such a paradigm shift that I need some hard core (no pun intended) encouragement and direction at least the first time or two. Once I can get some idea of what the playing field looks like I'll take it from there but it's just so different from the way I've been programmed that I need a couple of road signs to start.

So my advice would be to talk to him and when he does something right let him know - over the top - make sure he knows you like what he's doing. It may defeat the purpose a time or two but maybe he'll catch on and take over once he builds just a little comfort. IMO the safe word is a good idea, I asked my wife about this and she blew it off. If we had it in place I would feel much better about pushing the boundaries with less direction from her.

[nice777guy]

Originally Posted by sigma1299

So my advice would be to talk to him and when he does something right let him know - over the top - make sure he knows you like what he's doing...IMO the safe word is a good idea, I asked my wife about this and she blew it off. If we had it in place I would feel much better about pushing the boundaries with less direction from her.

The proper reaction will do so much more for you than anything you'll get him to read in a book or a blog.

Although once he understands, you could point him towards MMSL.

[aug]

Have you tried taking all your clothes off, walk up to him, smack him a few times across the face and then kick him in the groin? Walk away, look back at him and wink.