Husband watches Cam Girls - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 08:41 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

@FriskyDingo

I'm sorry for the emotional pain that you are going through.

I'm also sorry that you have been told that it isn't cheating, that you should try to emulate the cam girls; so on and so forth.

I agree with you that it is cheating. From participating in these forums, I have come to realize that this is one of those, "there are two types of people in the world" issues.

IOW, there are two types of people in the world, those that think that porn is cheating, and those that don't think it is cheating.

^^^These two groups of people never see eye to eye.

No, he did not physically, technically, actually have contact with these cam women. But he experiences the emotional high and physical bliss with them that he would experience with you. The "naughty" aspect of using this type of "service", might make it even more exciting than being with you.

You're way ahead of me in feeling that "regular" porn is okay. I see regular porn as the first step.

My husband would have gone BALLISTIC if I had masturbated to naked pictures of other men, back when he was a porn user himself. That's how you know that they know that it's not okay and that it's a form of cheating.


I just wanted to hopefully comfort you a little with the reassurance that you are not alone. It's not like you are the most unattractive woman in the world, whose guy has to use porn to really get off; but the rest of us don't have that problem because our husbands love us so much.

Nope. Porn is ubiquitous at this point. And with the virtual reality technology that is being developed (already available somewhere I'm sure), it's going to get much, much worse. Or, "better" if you are a person who enjoys porn or makes money from it.


[[[hugs]]]
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post #32 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 08:45 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
@FriskyDingo

I'm sorry for the emotional pain that you are going through.

I'm also sorry that you have been told that it isn't cheating, that you should try to emulate the cam girls; so on and so forth.

I agree with you that it is cheating. From participating in these forums, I have come to realize that this is one of those, "there are two types of people in the world" issues.

IOW, there are two types of people in the world, those that think that porn is cheating, and those that don't think it is cheating.

^^^These two groups of people never see eye to eye.

No, he did not physically, technically, actually have contact with these cam women. But he experiences the emotional high and physical bliss with them that he would experience with you. The "naughty" aspect of using this type of "service", might make it even more exciting than being with you.

You're way ahead of me in feeling that "regular" porn is okay. I see regular porn as the first step.

My husband would have gone BALLISTIC if I had masturbated to naked pictures of other men, back when he was a porn user himself. That's how you know that they know that it's not okay and that it's a form of cheating.


I just wanted to hopefully comfort you a little with the reassurance that you are not alone. It's not like you are the most unattractive woman in the world, whose guy has to use porn to really get off; but the rest of us don't have that problem because our husbands love us so much.

Nope. Porn is ubiquitous at this point. And with the virtual reality technology that is being developed (already available somewhere I'm sure), it's going to get much, much worse. Or, "better" if you are a person who enjoys porn or makes money from it.


[[[hugs]]]
Except that she said she doesn't think straight up porn is cheating. It's the interaction that upsets her. At least that is what I got from this post.
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post #33 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 09:03 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

I don't think this is that serious, nor would I think it was that serious if she was doing it.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #34 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 09:21 PM Thread Starter
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I don't think this is that serious
I'm starting to agree. Somehow seeing other people say negative things about my husband has had the opposite effect of what I feel was intended. I mean, "you" don't know him and using petsonal past experiences to pass judgment on him isn't ok, nor is it what I asked about. My original questions, while clouded in emotions, were about men and making love but I haven't heard much on that. I also asked for help in letting go of my pain. Please speak to those points if this thread continues. He is an amazing man, whom I am lucky to have, and he is human. He did not know this bothered me. Now he does and it will never happen again. I don't think I can engage in this with him, but I do feel more able to move on now. Thanks everyone for all of the input. Good or bad, it has helped me to process my emotions.
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post #35 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 09:41 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post


You're way ahead of me in feeling that "regular" porn is okay. I see regular porn as the first step.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Except that she said she doesn't think straight up porn is cheating. It's the interaction that upsets her. At least that is what I got from this post.
Yeah, I acknowledged that she is okay with porn to an extent.

Her emotional pain is over the interaction. "Interaction" means some type of exchange between two people. That's where the feeling of being cheated on may be entering the picture.


Quote:
My original questions, while clouded in emotions, were about men and making love but I haven't heard much on that. I also asked for help in letting go of my pain.
@FriskyDingo

I think men overall, by and large, prefer f.cking, not making love. Because making love is tender and full of emotions of connectedness.

F,cking is more animalistic and about getting off.

Only you can judge where your husband falls on that spectrum. Probably somewhere in the middle, like most people.

I'm sorry I can't help you in letting go of the pain. The best I can come up with is to learn some emotional detachment from your husband sexually.

To not feel any emotion; you must detach.

The downside is, when you learn to feel less pain--you will also be less capable of feeling happiness. Is that worth it to you?

I think someone upthread suggested watching the cam porn with him. Would that work? Although I think you watching it with him kind of defeats the purpose for him.....but maybe not---maybe he'd like you to join him when he watches it.

Sorry if I seemed to be attacking your husband. That wasn't my intention, my intention was to support you.

Best wishes and good luck.
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post #36 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 09:44 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

Quote:
Originally Posted by FriskyDingo View Post
I'm starting to agree. Somehow seeing other people say negative things about my husband has had the opposite effect of what I feel was intended. I mean, "you" don't know him and using petsonal past experiences to pass judgment on him isn't ok, nor is it what I asked about. My original questions, while clouded in emotions, were about men and making love but I haven't heard much on that. I also asked for help in letting go of my pain. Please speak to those points if this thread continues. He is an amazing man, whom I am lucky to have, and he is human. He did not know this bothered me. Now he does and it will never happen again. I don't think I can engage in this with him, but I do feel more able to move on now. Thanks everyone for all of the input. Good or bad, it has helped me to process my emotions.
OP I suggest you watch a cam girl without interacting with her and from that I think you will be able to decide how much different from scripted porn.

Also I don't think porn is anything at all like sex, porn and masturbation are a very solitary activity. Though I could never separate sex from love. So I might not be the one to ask. Yes we exist.

Last edited by sokillme; 10-04-2016 at 09:53 PM.
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post #37 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 10:25 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

Cheating? Nah. Pervy? Definitely.
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post #38 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 11:17 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

I don't think it's cheating as well. He just needs to quit watching the cam. Watching porn is necessary at times but interacting with the cam girls is more than necessary. Good luck!
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post #39 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 02:42 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

OP to me it would be cheating. If your husband was truthful about thinking it was all just fine then why did he not bring this up with you sooner?
Would be a major hurdle to get over if it happened here, there are some things that are just fine if single but not fine when in a committed relationship.

Would he be happy for you to be a cam girl? Would he be OK if you were interacting with other men? This line should have been drawn well before you got married, he has been lying by omission to you the whole marriage which means he knows what he was doing was cheating.
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post #40 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 02:44 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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Originally Posted by FriskyDingo View Post
I need help... words of wisdom... prayers... anything that will help me get past this feeling of betrayal and immense hurt that I have from finding out that my husband has watched cam girls during our 5 year marriage. We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me), we are both very talkative and friendly people, especially when we have been drinking. It came up in their conversation that she is a cam girl. I had never heard of this. He explained. I knew he watched porn on occasion and had no issue with that. This, however, is something new to me. I was stunned that it even existed. I asked if he went to these sites and he said "why wouldn't I?" I still was unclear about what this was, and his casual attitude about it showed that he clearly didn't think it was wrong. So I had him show me when we got home. He doesn't have a log in ID, he doesn't pay and he doesn't talk to or follow any one particular person. He just randomly surfs on the rare occasion that he is home alone and I'm not available. I explained to him that I am not ok with these sites and why: the live feed makes it way too personal, there's no difference from this and sexting with a stranger you meet IRL, the accessibility of talking to these women is too close for comfort, this is not a situation in which I feel our marriage is being protected... I went on and on. He saw how hurt I was and was devastated that he caused it. He didn't understand at first. To him, it is no different from traditional porn, but he recognizes that it is monumentally different for me. He respects that. He apologized profusely, said he never wanted to hurt me and said that he'd never go back to those types of sites again. He said all of the right things and I trust him explicitly. I believe him that he didn't think it would bother me and I believe him that he won't go back to these sites now that he knows how I feel. My problem is that while I understand all of this, the hurt I feel is overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about him watching these women and engaging in live sex acts with them online. I know he was the only one who could see them, but it still feels so disgusting and so wrong to me that the thought of it makes hurt so badly and even makes me physically nauseous. How do you forgive something that hurts you so deeply like this? How do you let go and move forward? I know he didn't cheat on me, but my God, it certainly feels like it and it is killing me. I'm trying so hard to get over it. I go from ok and rational (he wasn't hiding it, he truly thought it was ok, he is never going to do it again), to incredibly hurt, to so angry I could scream. I've read forum after forum on this topic and all of the men say "be the cam girl for him" but how can I do that when the entire time I'll be thinking about how he used to watch other women do the same thing? I've always know that sex is "fun" for men and "emotional" for women. I get that. But my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?
I'm sorry but this is cheating. I wonder how he would feel if you engaged in sex acts with online cam males? Ask him if he would be ok with that? I bet he would not. Of course you are very hurt because this is a betrayal, the one thing that is reserved for you and him he is engaging in with strange women. You should be downright angry. I would suggest you separate for a while either inhouse or out of house so that you can take time to think straight, get yourself calm. A man who doesn't understand why this is betrayal has some serious issues and you have to consider whether your value system and his value system are compatible. He also has to realise the damage he is doing. I imagine long term porn use will also so damage to your marriage. Do NOT rug sweep this issue, let him feel the consequences.

You probably both need IC and maybe MC
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post #41 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 03:49 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

FriskyDingo,

Like I've mentioned before on TAM, pornography of any kind is destructive to a marriage in the long run, especially if done in secret.

My wife and I share a no porn rule and no masturbation without the other's permission first. This allows her and I to fulfill each other's needs first.

Most members of TAM do not agree with this perspective and don't see the harm pornography has wrought on marriage.

Keep in mind marriage was designed and ordained by God, not by unchurched liberals (a tautology).
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post #42 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 04:45 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

What stands out from your OP is how shocked you were when your husband described what web cam girls do. I think what may be going on is that you are now thinking if he does this (shocking thing) what else is he doing that I don't know about....imagination runs wild.

Here's the thing you should think about. Everyone has their own boundaries and line of what makes you uncomfortable and what interferes with a happy relationship. Some will be no porn rule, some will be ok with moderate porn, some love porn, some ok with cams, some even ok with their partners having sex with other people! You have to work out where your lines are and tell your husband straight as to what you find acceptable and what crosses the line. He has the choice as to whether he accepts those conditions or not, there maybe room for negotiating but you have to come to some kind of agreement.

It is not for anyone else, either on TAM or within your own marriage, to tell you where you should draw the line.
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post #43 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 06:02 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

Whilst some might argue that online infidelity is different to 'IRL' infidelity, research would suggest that the effects on the person being cheated on are the same.

In a study carried out in 2013 by Texas University on Facebook Infidelity, it was found that individuals whose partners had cheated online experienced the same feelings of shock, anger, hurt and a loss of trust in their partners as those whose partners had cheated 'IRL.'

Just because this happened online, your response and feelings are no less valid than had it happened 'IRL.'

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #44 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 08:52 AM
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Glad to see you have chosen not to overreact OP. Of course men feel love and emotion during sex. They also have several times the testosterone levels women do, which is why women often can't wrap their heads around male sexuality.

As for getting over the pain, talk to your husband. Get his perspective. Ask him for help in getting through this. Check out those cam girl sites on your own. You will see how little interaction there is if you aren't paying money. I was actually surprised when I checked them out for the first time.
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post #45 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-05-2016, 09:16 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

BadSanta is right about this live stuff being heavily pushed at porn sites. I have never clicked because why would I want to watch some unknown girl who will do who knows what, when I have a plethora of recorded content that has been upvoted, edited, and categorized for me. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some of these live ads are phony and not really live. If he didn't interact or pay, I don't see how this is any different from all the other porn he could stream to his screen, other than he has no idea if it will be any good or what is coming next. I don't see the problem if there is no interaction. Would it be as bad if it was a prerecorded cam girl?

Last edited by wantshelp; 10-05-2016 at 09:36 AM.
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