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post #61 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 07:07 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post



When there is conversation then he emotionally bonding with the big breasted bimbo. That's energy spent on her and not you.
So? I don't need my husband to spend all of his spare energy on me, all of the time. I know he loves me and he isn't going anywhere. I am secure in myself to not be threatened by my husband watching porn or a cam girl from time to time.
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post #62 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 09:24 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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So? I don't need my husband to spend all of his spare energy on me, all of the time. I know he loves me and he isn't going anywhere. I am secure in myself to not be threatened by my husband watching porn or a cam girl from time to time.
So nothing. Some people enjoy being a cuckold (or in your case a cuckquean). No judgments.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #63 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 10:00 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

OP,

Im going to go back to the beginning of your post. He did NOT try to lie to you, voluntarily gave you the "tour" of what he as watching, and basically told you he did not realize it would hurt you so much. Now if he was trying to deceive you why on earth did he not try to lie his way out of it or minimize and start finding fault with you like most waywards do when caught doing something.

The rest of this is just everyone's "opinion", of which we all have one, and yours is the only one that counts. The think that makes this boundary and infidelity thing so difficult is that we are ALL different. Women divorce men for what he did, and women stay with men who screw multiple other wmen. Men divorce their wives over online interactions and men stay with women who have had multiple affairs.

The whole porn thing is also individual. I believe most of the literature explains that men gravitate to porn because they are more visually motivated and women gravitate to filthy novels or books because they are not as visually motivated. For those that "hate" porn and who would not "tolerate" it at all, that is fine as long as your lingerie drawer is not full of Mr Buzzy type toys that you use while fantasizing about the movie star or guy at work or at the gym. And save the nonsense about you ALWAYS think about hubby.
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post #64 of 81 (permalink) Old 11-03-2016, 11:42 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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Keep in mind marriage was designed and ordained by God, not by unchurched liberals (a tautology).

Glad you were here to clear that up....

Interesting how it helps solve nothing.



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post #65 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-24-2017, 11:42 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

I am in a very positive and supportive relationship with an amazing sexy woman and I'm addicted to porn.
My addiction to pornography in general has grown over the years. I managed to get myself off it for a few months but the other day I was browsing the internet and I accidentally discovered naughtychurch cams. This is something I never knew about before and when I checked it out, I couldn't believe it was real. Since that day, I check to see what girls are online almost everyday. I don't even masturbate to it. I just go from live webcam to live webcam for hours on end. It's like watching a gerbil in a cage. They can't see me, but I can watch them. When I first discovered it I signed up, and had a "private session" with one of the girls that I liked a lot based on the fact that she looked almost exactly like cameron diaz. She's probably some poor girl from Russia. I had one private session with her then I cancelled my account immediately. I had never done anything like this before, and it felt a lot like cheating. i mean, there's and actual girl on the other side who I was writing back and forth to. And then she took her clothes off and masturbated while I masturbated. I feel so guilty. Since then, I drop by daily to see if she is there. And if she is I just watch her for hours. If she is not there, I go from live girl to live girl and just watch them. It's interfering with my relationship. I mean, I have a crush on a Russian webcam girl and I'm in a relationship?! WTF is wrong with me? Its crossing into reality for me. I find myself thinking about her when I'm walking down the street. I need to stop, and I've made a promise to myself that I would a week ago, and I broke that promise to myself once already.
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post #66 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:14 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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I need help... words of wisdom... prayers... anything that will help me get past this feeling of betrayal and immense hurt that I have from finding out that my husband has watched cam girls during our 5 year marriage. We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me), we are both very talkative and friendly people, especially when we have been drinking. It came up in their conversation that she is a cam girl. I had never heard of this. He explained. I knew he watched porn on occasion and had no issue with that. This, however, is something new to me. I was stunned that it even existed. I asked if he went to these sites and he said "why wouldn't I?" I still was unclear about what this was, and his casual attitude about it showed that he clearly didn't think it was wrong. So I had him show me when we got home. He doesn't have a log in ID, he doesn't pay and he doesn't talk to or follow any one particular person. He just randomly surfs on the rare occasion that he is home alone and I'm not available. I explained to him that I am not ok with these sites and why: the live feed makes it way too personal, there's no difference from this and sexting with a stranger you meet IRL, the accessibility of talking to these women is too close for comfort, this is not a situation in which I feel our marriage is being protected... I went on and on. He saw how hurt I was and was devastated that he caused it. He didn't understand at first. To him, it is no different from traditional porn, but he recognizes that it is monumentally different for me. He respects that. He apologized profusely, said he never wanted to hurt me and said that he'd never go back to those types of sites again. He said all of the right things and I trust him explicitly. I believe him that he didn't think it would bother me and I believe him that he won't go back to these sites now that he knows how I feel. My problem is that while I understand all of this, the hurt I feel is overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about him watching these women and engaging in live sex acts with them online. I know he was the only one who could see them, but it still feels so disgusting and so wrong to me that the thought of it makes hurt so badly and even makes me physically nauseous. How do you forgive something that hurts you so deeply like this? How do you let go and move forward? I know he didn't cheat on me, but my God, it certainly feels like it and it is killing me. I'm trying so hard to get over it. I go from ok and rational (he wasn't hiding it, he truly thought it was ok, he is never going to do it again), to incredibly hurt, to so angry I could scream. I've read forum after forum on this topic and all of the men say "be the cam girl for him" but how can I do that when the entire time I'll be thinking about how he used to watch other women do the same thing? I've always know that sex is "fun" for men and "emotional" for women. I get that. But my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?
I am astounded that he didn't think there was anything wrong with this, but the fact that you don't mind him looking at porn may have led him to believe that. Basically he has cheated on you with many other women, no wonder you feel so hurt.
For us porn of any sort is a complete no no.
Anything like this is very unloving and completely disrespectful to our spouse.

You will need lots of time to heal and for the trust to build again, but he also needs to stop all the porn as well. Many who look at porn will progress to worse and more serious things as your husband has.

Absolutely men can make love and have emotion as part of that. Not all men use other women for their sexual kicks, and many are completely faithful.
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post #67 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 09:24 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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Originally Posted by simon28798 View Post
I am in a very positive and supportive relationship with an amazing sexy woman and I'm addicted to porn.
My addiction to pornography in general has grown over the years. I managed to get myself off it for a few months but the other day I was browsing the internet and I accidentally discovered naughtychurch cams. This is something I never knew about before and when I checked it out, I couldn't believe it was real. Since that day, I check to see what girls are online almost everyday. I don't even masturbate to it. I just go from live webcam to live webcam for hours on end. It's like watching a gerbil in a cage. They can't see me, but I can watch them. When I first discovered it I signed up, and had a "private session" with one of the girls that I liked a lot based on the fact that she looked almost exactly like cameron diaz. She's probably some poor girl from Russia. I had one private session with her then I cancelled my account immediately. I had never done anything like this before, and it felt a lot like cheating. i mean, there's and actual girl on the other side who I was writing back and forth to. And then she took her clothes off and masturbated while I masturbated. I feel so guilty. Since then, I drop by daily to see if she is there. And if she is I just watch her for hours. If she is not there, I go from live girl to live girl and just watch them. It's interfering with my relationship. I mean, I have a crush on a Russian webcam girl and I'm in a relationship?! WTF is wrong with me? Its crossing into reality for me. I find myself thinking about her when I'm walking down the street. I need to stop, and I've made a promise to myself that I would a week ago, and I broke that promise to myself once already.
You need to tell all to your wife/partner, get her to set up porn blocking programme's, give her all of your passwords and only ever use the computer/phone etc in the family room when she is there. Look at sites such as covenant eyes to get help and support.
What does she think you are doing all these hours you do this for? How would you feel if that young lady was your daughter/sister?
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post #68 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

To the OP

I am a middle aged male. Married for a while.

Sex is just sex. Love is not sex, and sex is not love. I've had sex with a lot of women I didn't love. I love a lot of people, past and present, who I would never have sex with, and some I do. I think our society screws people over by putting too much emotion into sex. Some day I won't be having much sex any more, but I'll still love my wife just as much.

Sometimes I look at the serial monogamists around me and wonder if they would have been better off if they had learned to forgive instead of jumping ship. And if the only reason their new spouse is so true to them is because they haven't been together very long yet.

Learning to forgive and move past the mistakes, either real or imagined, because both hurt, is important to maintaining a relationship. Unless the goal in life is just to stay together until something goes wrong, let it explode, and move on to the next opportunity.

The question is what is more important to you, sex or love? Only let sexual issues destroy love if you think sex is more important than love.

We invest sex with a power it should not have. It is a fun exercise, and maybe as important as food and drink to our well being, but it is no where near as important as love to our mental well being. We need to strip the mystique away from sex which gives it the power to control us. We should not be asexual. We are sexual beings. Like food and drink, we should partake. But it's just sex.

Own your sexuality, don't let it own you.

You could try relaxing some, and taking your husband to a strip club. Or have him take you to a male strip club. When a niece of mine got married she had her bachelorette party at a male strip club, and the women elected me to drive them there. My wife enjoyed herself quite a bit. I had no problem with that. My wife was a lot of fun when we got home. Relax, enjoy. Take the fun feelings home, and continue.

We will celebrate our 44th wedding anniversary soon.
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post #69 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-25-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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To the OP

I am a middle aged male. Married for a while.

Sex is just sex. Love is not sex, and sex is not love. I've had sex with a lot of women I didn't love. I love a lot of people, past and present, who I would never have sex with, and some I do. I think our society screws people over by putting too much emotion into sex. Some day I won't be having much sex any more, but I'll still love my wife just as much.

Sometimes I look at the serial monogamists around me and wonder if they would have been better off if they had learned to forgive instead of jumping ship. And if the only reason their new spouse is so true to them is because they haven't been together very long yet.

Learning to forgive and move past the mistakes, either real or imagined, because both hurt, is important to maintaining a relationship. Unless the goal in life is just to stay together until something goes wrong, let it explode, and move on to the next opportunity.

The question is what is more important to you, sex or love? Only let sexual issues destroy love if you think sex is more important than love.

We invest sex with a power it should not have. It is a fun exercise, and maybe as important as food and drink to our well being, but it is no where near as important as love to our mental well being. We need to strip the mystique away from sex which gives it the power to control us. We should not be asexual. We are sexual beings. Like food and drink, we should partake. But it's just sex.

Own your sexuality, don't let it own you.

You could try relaxing some, and taking your husband to a strip club. Or have him take you to a male strip club. When a niece of mine got married she had her bachelorette party at a male strip club, and the women elected me to drive them there. My wife enjoyed herself quite a bit. I had no problem with that. My wife was a lot of fun when we got home. Relax, enjoy. Take the fun feelings home, and continue.

We will celebrate our 44th wedding anniversary soon.
For many of us sex is very much part of a loving commitment in marriage. Many men like my husband have never had sex with a woman they didn't love and who understand that going to strip clubs etc isnt part of a faithful caring respectful marriage. I would never treat my husband that way. I think our society screws people over as well, but by taking the emotional love and commitment OUT of sex. Its so sad.
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post #70 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 05:48 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

@Diana7 Your marriage sounds awesome. Sometimes I read your posts and wonder if a man like yours truly exists - you are very lucky to have each other.

Something I have wondered (please don't take this the wrong way as I am genuinely interested) - most people arrive at TAM because they have had issues at some point in their marriage. I wonder how you know so much about porn and its negative impact on marriages, and sites such as covenant eyes when its not an issue in your marriage. Has there been relationships in the past where you have been hurt? I can only think of one other poster who has been happily married for many years and has a great sex life - who contributes on sex in marriage. The vast majority of us have either been through difficulties or are going through it.

I think the biggest change in me since arriving at TAM is accepting my husbands flaws and making changes in a positive way. The reason I have been so hurt in the past is because I had unrealistic expectations of the perfect husband. So when he messed up it was like I was living with a stranger. Being realistic about male sexuality (as opposed to what I think male sexuality should look like) has helped me be a better lover and wife. But no matter what I do he will always like looking at images of naked ladies - and I would be extremely worried if he didn't - and I would be a fool to kid myself that it was any other way.
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post #71 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 08:29 AM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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@Diana7 Your marriage sounds awesome. Sometimes I read your posts and wonder if a man like yours truly exists - you are very lucky to have each other.

Something I have wondered (please don't take this the wrong way as I am genuinely interested) - most people arrive at TAM because they have had issues at some point in their marriage. I wonder how you know so much about porn and its negative impact on marriages, and sites such as covenant eyes when its not an issue in your marriage. Has there been relationships in the past where you have been hurt? I can only think of one other poster who has been happily married for many years and has a great sex life - who contributes on sex in marriage. The vast majority of us have either been through difficulties or are going through it.

I think the biggest change in me since arriving at TAM is accepting my husbands flaws and making changes in a positive way. The reason I have been so hurt in the past is because I had unrealistic expectations of the perfect husband. So when he messed up it was like I was living with a stranger. Being realistic about male sexuality (as opposed to what I think male sexuality should look like) has helped me be a better lover and wife. But no matter what I do he will always like looking at images of naked ladies - and I would be extremely worried if he didn't - and I would be a fool to kid myself that it was any other way.
Thank you
We have both been married before(his wife cheated on him and my husband betrayed me in a different way), and also there have been many divorces and issues of cheating etc in my wider family. My dad looked at porn (in magazines as it was then)and he had a very long affair(maybe several). I also know 2 marriages that ended because of porn use, again one in my family. There has also been child sexual abuse in my wider family.

Also I have been a mod on another site for about 10 years where we get quite a few people coming with marriage issues such as porn and unfaithfulness, and another British marriage site where I have been going to for many years trying to help others who have been cheated on or have other issues. So yes I have heard a lot and learnt a lot over the years.

The issue of porn for us isn't whether we WANT to look, or LIKE looking or are TEMPTED to look, its whether its right and whether it helps the one looking or their marriage.It doesn't. Is it loving faithful and respectful to our spouse to look at other naked people and watch them doing things of a sexual nature? For us the answer is no. For us sex is just for the two of us, and we only see each other naked and no one else.
Yes I know I have a good man. He was bought up to have very good moral values and bags of integrity. He is also a strong Christian as I am. I wasn't prepared to get married again unless I found a good man. Having said that I do know quite a few other men who have similar values and ideals. My son for one.

Last edited by Diana7; 03-26-2017 at 08:34 AM.
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post #72 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:00 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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Ok, this is ridiculous. Telling her that he did not cheat and that live cam girls are ok.

Telling her to engage in this with him? You have got to be kidding me.
watching some cam girl, where you are one of 20 other guys watching, is not cheating at all. I can easily see how he would be mystified at why his wife was so upset.

She knew he was using porn and did not have a problem with it. This is purely a mater of boundaries. She needs to discuss with him what she is comfortable with, and what she is uncomfortable with.

And if he did not have a password, then he is not watching any specific woman, and there is no long term online "relationship" set up. To do so he would have to buy "coins" and donate them to the cam girl while he watched.

Jeez give the poor guy a break.
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post #73 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 02:31 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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watching some cam girl, where you are one of 20 other guys watching, is not cheating at all. I can easily see how he would be mystified at why his wife was so upset.

She knew he was using porn and did not have a problem with it. This is purely a mater of boundaries. She needs to discuss with him what she is comfortable with, and what she is uncomfortable with.

And if he did not have a password, then he is not watching any specific woman, and there is no long term online "relationship" set up. To do so he would have to buy "coins" and donate them to the cam girl while he watched.

Jeez give the poor guy a break.
Many of us see it as cheating, I do. Its very damaging for the marriage. Sex should always be between the couple only, no one else involved.
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post #74 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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@Diana7 Sometimes I read your posts and wonder if a man like yours truly exists
I'm glad I'm not the only one.
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post #75 of 81 (permalink) Old 03-26-2017, 04:25 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Yes he is real, there are many more men like him who don't look at porn etc as well. I think its really sad that so many people think its ok to do this stuff and cant understand why some of us don't. Its not easy to go against the flow but its so worth it. I would rather be alone than be with a man who thought it was ok to act that way and treat me that way.

Last edited by Diana7; 03-26-2017 at 04:31 PM.
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