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Husband watches Cam Girls

32K views 80 replies 36 participants last post by  sherrialicia 
#1 ·
I need help... words of wisdom... prayers... anything that will help me get past this feeling of betrayal and immense hurt that I have from finding out that my husband has watched cam girls during our 5 year marriage. We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me), we are both very talkative and friendly people, especially when we have been drinking. It came up in their conversation that she is a cam girl. I had never heard of this. He explained. I knew he watched porn on occasion and had no issue with that. This, however, is something new to me. I was stunned that it even existed. I asked if he went to these sites and he said "why wouldn't I?" I still was unclear about what this was, and his casual attitude about it showed that he clearly didn't think it was wrong. So I had him show me when we got home. He doesn't have a log in ID, he doesn't pay and he doesn't talk to or follow any one particular person. He just randomly surfs on the rare occasion that he is home alone and I'm not available. I explained to him that I am not ok with these sites and why: the live feed makes it way too personal, there's no difference from this and sexting with a stranger you meet IRL, the accessibility of talking to these women is too close for comfort, this is not a situation in which I feel our marriage is being protected... I went on and on. He saw how hurt I was and was devastated that he caused it. He didn't understand at first. To him, it is no different from traditional porn, but he recognizes that it is monumentally different for me. He respects that. He apologized profusely, said he never wanted to hurt me and said that he'd never go back to those types of sites again. He said all of the right things and I trust him explicitly. I believe him that he didn't think it would bother me and I believe him that he won't go back to these sites now that he knows how I feel. My problem is that while I understand all of this, the hurt I feel is overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about him watching these women and engaging in live sex acts with them online. I know he was the only one who could see them, but it still feels so disgusting and so wrong to me that the thought of it makes hurt so badly and even makes me physically nauseous. How do you forgive something that hurts you so deeply like this? How do you let go and move forward? I know he didn't cheat on me, but my God, it certainly feels like it and it is killing me. I'm trying so hard to get over it. I go from ok and rational (he wasn't hiding it, he truly thought it was ok, he is never going to do it again), to incredibly hurt, to so angry I could scream. I've read forum after forum on this topic and all of the men say "be the cam girl for him" but how can I do that when the entire time I'll be thinking about how he used to watch other women do the same thing? I've always know that sex is "fun" for men and "emotional" for women. I get that. But my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?
 
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#2 ·
If he engaging in live sex acts with them online, he has online accounts on some of the sites.

And no, you don't be the live cam girl for him. That's putting you in a degrading position. Him engaging is live sex acts is the same as him sexting. It's a form of infidelity that modern technology has created, as though we needed another way for people to cheat on their spouses.

There are several hurdles that you will need to get him to jump over. One is that he has to realize that from your perspective, he was sexting with other women online. He has to own that. Another is that he now has to prove to you that he can be trusted. After the experienced I have had with a husband who did something similar, I would not believe that he will not do this again. I would trust but verify.

What does "trust but verify" mean? IT means putting a key logger on his computer that he cannot remove and you can monitor remotely. He has to prove to you that he can be trusted.

There are some good books on amazon about how to help a betrayed spouse heal. You both need to read it.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:: How to Heal After An Affair

Have you asked him how he would feel about it if you did exactly the same thing with web cam men online? I'm sure that those sites exist.
 
#3 ·
my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?
If you have been together for more than a year, then it is not "just sex" anymore for a man. In my opinion men desire sex to feel accepted (quite literally accepted into his wife) and close with their spouse.

If you cut him off and reject him, it will make him turn to porn even more to self sooth.

As for "live cam girl" porn, it is inescapable when surfing adult content. They pop up all over the place and are heavily advertised in a way that you are almost forced to see some of it in order to get any prerecorded adult content. I challenge you to surf porn for only a few minutes and then count the number of live cam shows that will pop up.

While yes I do agree with @EleGirl that this interactive content is crossing the line of infidelity, if you are OK with your husband watching some occasional porn keep in mind that this type of content is aggressively forced upon those just looking for milder content and that it was unlikely that he was actively searching just for a cam girl.

Hope that helps,

Badsanta
 
#4 ·
I agree that live cam girls crosses the line, and I'm fine with porn. But he didn't pay, or interact, he just watched. It sounds like he didn't mean to hurt you and didn't understand that it was a boundary for you. It's great that he has listened to your feelings and is making the changes necessary. I wouldn't say that's cheating. I would work on moving on and focusing on the positives in your marriage. It was nothing more than live porn to him.
 
#6 ·
I do not think he would have been so open about it if he had any idea you would feel the way you do and be hurt like you are. If he was up to something he knew was way out of line for you I doubt he gleefully would have gone home and gave you the tour.

As far as the comment about you being the cam girl, that is your call. I think it is NOT healthy to be in direct competition trying to copy what paid performers do.
 
#5 ·
I highly doubt that it is a two way relationship between the two of them. In other words, there is no risk that the cam girl is going to steal your husband away, and it is unlikely he will fall in love with one of them.

A man's most basic need is sex. He is just trying to keep this need filled.

Have you thought about watching cam girls with him? I am sure there are lots of cam girls who are bisexual and who would love to play with a couple. Maybe it can be something you and him can do together? That way, you can be involved, and he wont be doing anything behind your back.

Try and keep an open mind here. It will help.
 
#7 ·
I know this is going to be hard for you right now, but you have to resist the urge to push him away because you are angry. He loves you. He isn't going anywhere. And even though it feels like he cheated, he didn't. Live porn is the new age of porn. It is everywhere. Surely it would be worse if he had gone out to a bar to flirt with women in person, right?

Had he actually cheated on you with someone, then he wouldn't be the right guy for you. But he only watched a girl on a webcam. In the grand scheme of things, it will benefit your relationship so much better if you can just try and be cool about it. Ask him what he liked about it. Use this experience to get closer with your husband in the bedroom. Bond over it. This could really spice up the sex life between the two of you if you can wrap your head around what I am saying here.
 
#10 ·
And even though it feels like he cheated, he didn't. Live porn is the new age of porn. It is everywhere. Surely it would be worse if he had gone out to a bar to flirt with women in person, right?
@WallaceBea

Except that's exactly what he did.

Are you reading the posts?

Specifically the part where they go out to a bar and he's "talking" with a cam girl?
 
#8 ·
We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me)
Yeah well to me it's weird. I go out with my girl and I talk to her, not some strange woman in a bar that's probably really hot since she's a cam girl.
 
#72 ·
watching some cam girl, where you are one of 20 other guys watching, is not cheating at all. I can easily see how he would be mystified at why his wife was so upset.

She knew he was using porn and did not have a problem with it. This is purely a mater of boundaries. She needs to discuss with him what she is comfortable with, and what she is uncomfortable with.

And if he did not have a password, then he is not watching any specific woman, and there is no long term online "relationship" set up. To do so he would have to buy "coins" and donate them to the cam girl while he watched.

Jeez give the poor guy a break.
 
#15 · (Edited)
Have you guys seen what cam girls sites are like? It's not that big of a deal, unless he was paying for private time. Usually cam girls don't engage in too much. They are just standing around and teasing while several men are in the chat room typing stuff. Many won't get naked or do anything sexual on the free sites unless a guy pays to take her to a private "room". OP said he wasn't paying. He wasn't chatting with the girls.

If he was paying to have private sessions and had 1 on 1 interaction with the girls, my post would be different.
 
#81 ·
HA!!! I don't think so. After seeing my husband had gone on these sites I to went to one to see what it was about. On chatterbate people can make request for things that they pay for and anyone not paying can also see. I have seen EVERY sexual thing you can imagine and not paid a dime. It's true however that it's not very personal unless you pay (they don't respond to request or questions from none payers) but to say they don't show anything outside of private shows is crazy. OP I completely understand where you're coming from but the fact remains you were ok with porn, until you informed him this wasn't ok he wasn't doing anything wrong. From here on out however if he gets caught again knowing how you feel then you have to decide if it's a deal breaker and cut your losses.
 
#31 ·
@FriskyDingo

I'm sorry for the emotional pain that you are going through.

I'm also sorry that you have been told that it isn't cheating, that you should try to emulate the cam girls; so on and so forth.

I agree with you that it is cheating. From participating in these forums, I have come to realize that this is one of those, "there are two types of people in the world" issues.

IOW, there are two types of people in the world, those that think that porn is cheating, and those that don't think it is cheating.

^^^These two groups of people never see eye to eye.

No, he did not physically, technically, actually have contact with these cam women. But he experiences the emotional high and physical bliss with them that he would experience with you. The "naughty" aspect of using this type of "service", might make it even more exciting than being with you.

You're way ahead of me in feeling that "regular" porn is okay. I see regular porn as the first step.

My husband would have gone BALLISTIC if I had masturbated to naked pictures of other men, back when he was a porn user himself. That's how you know that they know that it's not okay and that it's a form of cheating.


I just wanted to hopefully comfort you a little with the reassurance that you are not alone. It's not like you are the most unattractive woman in the world, whose guy has to use porn to really get off; but the rest of us don't have that problem because our husbands love us so much.

Nope. Porn is ubiquitous at this point. And with the virtual reality technology that is being developed (already available somewhere I'm sure), it's going to get much, much worse. Or, "better" if you are a person who enjoys porn or makes money from it.


[[[hugs]]]:|
 
#32 ·
Except that she said she doesn't think straight up porn is cheating. It's the interaction that upsets her. At least that is what I got from this post.
 
#34 ·
I don't think this is that serious
I'm starting to agree. Somehow seeing other people say negative things about my husband has had the opposite effect of what I feel was intended. I mean, "you" don't know him and using petsonal past experiences to pass judgment on him isn't ok, nor is it what I asked about. My original questions, while clouded in emotions, were about men and making love but I haven't heard much on that. I also asked for help in letting go of my pain. Please speak to those points if this thread continues. He is an amazing man, whom I am lucky to have, and he is human. He did not know this bothered me. Now he does and it will never happen again. I don't think I can engage in this with him, but I do feel more able to move on now. Thanks everyone for all of the input. Good or bad, it has helped me to process my emotions.
 
#39 ·
OP to me it would be cheating. If your husband was truthful about thinking it was all just fine then why did he not bring this up with you sooner?
Would be a major hurdle to get over if it happened here, there are some things that are just fine if single but not fine when in a committed relationship.

Would he be happy for you to be a cam girl? Would he be OK if you were interacting with other men? This line should have been drawn well before you got married, he has been lying by omission to you the whole marriage which means he knows what he was doing was cheating.
 
#40 ·
I'm sorry but this is cheating. I wonder how he would feel if you engaged in sex acts with online cam males? Ask him if he would be ok with that? I bet he would not. Of course you are very hurt because this is a betrayal, the one thing that is reserved for you and him he is engaging in with strange women. You should be downright angry. I would suggest you separate for a while either inhouse or out of house so that you can take time to think straight, get yourself calm. A man who doesn't understand why this is betrayal has some serious issues and you have to consider whether your value system and his value system are compatible. He also has to realise the damage he is doing. I imagine long term porn use will also so damage to your marriage. Do NOT rug sweep this issue, let him feel the consequences.

You probably both need IC and maybe MC
 
#41 ·
FriskyDingo,

Like I've mentioned before on TAM, pornography of any kind is destructive to a marriage in the long run, especially if done in secret.

My wife and I share a no porn rule and no masturbation without the other's permission first. This allows her and I to fulfill each other's needs first.

Most members of TAM do not agree with this perspective and don't see the harm pornography has wrought on marriage.

Keep in mind marriage was designed and ordained by God, not by unchurched liberals (a tautology).
 
#42 ·
What stands out from your OP is how shocked you were when your husband described what web cam girls do. I think what may be going on is that you are now thinking if he does this (shocking thing) what else is he doing that I don't know about....imagination runs wild.

Here's the thing you should think about. Everyone has their own boundaries and line of what makes you uncomfortable and what interferes with a happy relationship. Some will be no porn rule, some will be ok with moderate porn, some love porn, some ok with cams, some even ok with their partners having sex with other people! You have to work out where your lines are and tell your husband straight as to what you find acceptable and what crosses the line. He has the choice as to whether he accepts those conditions or not, there maybe room for negotiating but you have to come to some kind of agreement.

It is not for anyone else, either on TAM or within your own marriage, to tell you where you should draw the line.
 
#43 ·
Whilst some might argue that online infidelity is different to 'IRL' infidelity, research would suggest that the effects on the person being cheated on are the same.

In a study carried out in 2013 by Texas University on Facebook Infidelity, it was found that individuals whose partners had cheated online experienced the same feelings of shock, anger, hurt and a loss of trust in their partners as those whose partners had cheated 'IRL.'

Just because this happened online, your response and feelings are no less valid than had it happened 'IRL.'
 
#44 ·
Glad to see you have chosen not to overreact OP. Of course men feel love and emotion during sex. They also have several times the testosterone levels women do, which is why women often can't wrap their heads around male sexuality.

As for getting over the pain, talk to your husband. Get his perspective. Ask him for help in getting through this. Check out those cam girl sites on your own. You will see how little interaction there is if you aren't paying money. I was actually surprised when I checked them out for the first time.
 
#45 · (Edited)
BadSanta is right about this live stuff being heavily pushed at porn sites. I have never clicked because why would I want to watch some unknown girl who will do who knows what, when I have a plethora of recorded content that has been upvoted, edited, and categorized for me. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some of these live ads are phony and not really live. If he didn't interact or pay, I don't see how this is any different from all the other porn he could stream to his screen, other than he has no idea if it will be any good or what is coming next. I don't see the problem if there is no interaction. Would it be as bad if it was a prerecorded cam girl?
 
#46 ·
BadSanta is right about it this live stuff being heavily pushed at porn sites. I have never clicked because why would I want to watch some unknown girl who will do who knows what, when I have a plethora of recorded content that has been upvoted, edited, and categorized for me. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if some of these live ads are phony and not really live. If he didn't interact or pay, I don't see how this is any different from all the other porn he could stream to his screen, other than he has no idea if it will be any good or what is coming next. I don't see the problem if there is not interaction. Would it be as bad if it was a prerecorded cam girl?
This is my personal opinion too. I remember reading on another forum that the general consensus was porn ok webcams definitely not ok because of interaction. A couple of years ago I looked at a pre recorded webcam out of curiosity. What struck me is how boring it was. Not remotely erotic and she seemed to be spinning it out to get as much money from the customer as possible :)sleeping: and sympathy for the poor guy that was getting fleeced). The video quality was also abysmal. My husband being a techie, agreed that he couldn't sit through the poor quality when there is absolutely everything you could wish for at the click of a button where you can fast forward and rewind to the good bits.

So my opinion of cams has change. I think if anyone is upset by them it might be a good idea to take a look because they are surprisingly lame. Strip clubs and lap dancing far more interactive imo.
 
#49 ·
@badsanta There is the tease aspect that as a woman I don't really tune into. I wonder if the appeal of cams is that it gives the illusion of being real. If there is 2 way interaction, even if just say 'hi', adds to the fantasy of actually being in the same room as a scantily dressed woman. Similar to VR porn or POV porn that attempts to make it seem more real. Other than that I don't see the appeal.
 
#50 ·
Interestingly there are some forums that discuss the aspect of "tease and denial" kinks and how rare it is to find females that actively engage in this kink. One person on that forum suggested that webcams are a virtual gold mine of content for viewers seeking this content as the women will get themselves worked up but deny themselves an orgasm until the viewers pay for it which sometimes just never would happen.

That is so messed up if you ask me!

Badsanta
 
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