Husband watches Cam Girls - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 04:53 PM Thread Starter
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Husband watches Cam Girls

I need help... words of wisdom... prayers... anything that will help me get past this feeling of betrayal and immense hurt that I have from finding out that my husband has watched cam girls during our 5 year marriage. We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me), we are both very talkative and friendly people, especially when we have been drinking. It came up in their conversation that she is a cam girl. I had never heard of this. He explained. I knew he watched porn on occasion and had no issue with that. This, however, is something new to me. I was stunned that it even existed. I asked if he went to these sites and he said "why wouldn't I?" I still was unclear about what this was, and his casual attitude about it showed that he clearly didn't think it was wrong. So I had him show me when we got home. He doesn't have a log in ID, he doesn't pay and he doesn't talk to or follow any one particular person. He just randomly surfs on the rare occasion that he is home alone and I'm not available. I explained to him that I am not ok with these sites and why: the live feed makes it way too personal, there's no difference from this and sexting with a stranger you meet IRL, the accessibility of talking to these women is too close for comfort, this is not a situation in which I feel our marriage is being protected... I went on and on. He saw how hurt I was and was devastated that he caused it. He didn't understand at first. To him, it is no different from traditional porn, but he recognizes that it is monumentally different for me. He respects that. He apologized profusely, said he never wanted to hurt me and said that he'd never go back to those types of sites again. He said all of the right things and I trust him explicitly. I believe him that he didn't think it would bother me and I believe him that he won't go back to these sites now that he knows how I feel. My problem is that while I understand all of this, the hurt I feel is overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about him watching these women and engaging in live sex acts with them online. I know he was the only one who could see them, but it still feels so disgusting and so wrong to me that the thought of it makes hurt so badly and even makes me physically nauseous. How do you forgive something that hurts you so deeply like this? How do you let go and move forward? I know he didn't cheat on me, but my God, it certainly feels like it and it is killing me. I'm trying so hard to get over it. I go from ok and rational (he wasn't hiding it, he truly thought it was ok, he is never going to do it again), to incredibly hurt, to so angry I could scream. I've read forum after forum on this topic and all of the men say "be the cam girl for him" but how can I do that when the entire time I'll be thinking about how he used to watch other women do the same thing? I've always know that sex is "fun" for men and "emotional" for women. I get that. But my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?
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post #2 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 05:17 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

If he engaging in live sex acts with them online, he has online accounts on some of the sites.

And no, you don't be the live cam girl for him. That's putting you in a degrading position. Him engaging is live sex acts is the same as him sexting. It's a form of infidelity that modern technology has created, as though we needed another way for people to cheat on their spouses.

There are several hurdles that you will need to get him to jump over. One is that he has to realize that from your perspective, he was sexting with other women online. He has to own that. Another is that he now has to prove to you that he can be trusted. After the experienced I have had with a husband who did something similar, I would not believe that he will not do this again. I would trust but verify.

What does "trust but verify" mean? IT means putting a key logger on his computer that he cannot remove and you can monitor remotely. He has to prove to you that he can be trusted.

There are some good books on amazon about how to help a betrayed spouse heal. You both need to read it.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:: How to Heal After An Affair

Have you asked him how he would feel about it if you did exactly the same thing with web cam men online? I'm sure that those sites exist.
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post #3 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 05:29 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

Quote:
Originally Posted by FriskyDingo View Post
my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?
If you have been together for more than a year, then it is not "just sex" anymore for a man. In my opinion men desire sex to feel accepted (quite literally accepted into his wife) and close with their spouse.

If you cut him off and reject him, it will make him turn to porn even more to self sooth.

As for "live cam girl" porn, it is inescapable when surfing adult content. They pop up all over the place and are heavily advertised in a way that you are almost forced to see some of it in order to get any prerecorded adult content. I challenge you to surf porn for only a few minutes and then count the number of live cam shows that will pop up.

While yes I do agree with @EleGirl that this interactive content is crossing the line of infidelity, if you are OK with your husband watching some occasional porn keep in mind that this type of content is aggressively forced upon those just looking for milder content and that it was unlikely that he was actively searching just for a cam girl.

Hope that helps,

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post #4 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 05:45 PM
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I agree that live cam girls crosses the line, and I'm fine with porn. But he didn't pay, or interact, he just watched. It sounds like he didn't mean to hurt you and didn't understand that it was a boundary for you. It's great that he has listened to your feelings and is making the changes necessary. I wouldn't say that's cheating. I would work on moving on and focusing on the positives in your marriage. It was nothing more than live porn to him.
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post #5 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 05:50 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

I highly doubt that it is a two way relationship between the two of them. In other words, there is no risk that the cam girl is going to steal your husband away, and it is unlikely he will fall in love with one of them.

A man's most basic need is sex. He is just trying to keep this need filled.

Have you thought about watching cam girls with him? I am sure there are lots of cam girls who are bisexual and who would love to play with a couple. Maybe it can be something you and him can do together? That way, you can be involved, and he wont be doing anything behind your back.

Try and keep an open mind here. It will help.
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post #6 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 06:19 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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Originally Posted by Celes View Post
I agree that live cam girls crosses the line, and I'm fine with porn. But he didn't pay, or interact, he just watched. It sounds like he didn't mean to hurt you and didn't understand that it was a boundary for you. It's great that he has listened to your feelings and is making the changes necessary. I wouldn't say that's cheating. I would work on moving on and focusing on the positives in your marriage. It was nothing more than live porn to him.
I do not think he would have been so open about it if he had any idea you would feel the way you do and be hurt like you are. If he was up to something he knew was way out of line for you I doubt he gleefully would have gone home and gave you the tour.

As far as the comment about you being the cam girl, that is your call. I think it is NOT healthy to be in direct competition trying to copy what paid performers do.
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post #7 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 06:31 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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Originally Posted by FriskyDingo View Post
I need help... words of wisdom... prayers... anything that will help me get past this feeling of betrayal and immense hurt that I have from finding out that my husband has watched cam girls during our 5 year marriage. We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me), we are both very talkative and friendly people, especially when we have been drinking. It came up in their conversation that she is a cam girl. I had never heard of this. He explained. I knew he watched porn on occasion and had no issue with that. This, however, is something new to me. I was stunned that it even existed. I asked if he went to these sites and he said "why wouldn't I?" I still was unclear about what this was, and his casual attitude about it showed that he clearly didn't think it was wrong. So I had him show me when we got home. He doesn't have a log in ID, he doesn't pay and he doesn't talk to or follow any one particular person. He just randomly surfs on the rare occasion that he is home alone and I'm not available. I explained to him that I am not ok with these sites and why: the live feed makes it way too personal, there's no difference from this and sexting with a stranger you meet IRL, the accessibility of talking to these women is too close for comfort, this is not a situation in which I feel our marriage is being protected... I went on and on. He saw how hurt I was and was devastated that he caused it. He didn't understand at first. To him, it is no different from traditional porn, but he recognizes that it is monumentally different for me. He respects that. He apologized profusely, said he never wanted to hurt me and said that he'd never go back to those types of sites again. He said all of the right things and I trust him explicitly. I believe him that he didn't think it would bother me and I believe him that he won't go back to these sites now that he knows how I feel. My problem is that while I understand all of this, the hurt I feel is overwhelming. I can't stop thinking about him watching these women and engaging in live sex acts with them online. I know he was the only one who could see them, but it still feels so disgusting and so wrong to me that the thought of it makes hurt so badly and even makes me physically nauseous. How do you forgive something that hurts you so deeply like this? How do you let go and move forward? I know he didn't cheat on me, but my God, it certainly feels like it and it is killing me. I'm trying so hard to get over it. I go from ok and rational (he wasn't hiding it, he truly thought it was ok, he is never going to do it again), to incredibly hurt, to so angry I could scream. I've read forum after forum on this topic and all of the men say "be the cam girl for him" but how can I do that when the entire time I'll be thinking about how he used to watch other women do the same thing? I've always know that sex is "fun" for men and "emotional" for women. I get that. But my emotions are so out of whack now that even the thought of him touching me angers me, because it's just about sex and not about love. I love my husband so much, more than anything. He is everything to me, and we were so happy before this came up. I feel like I've lost the connection we had and I don't know how to get it back. I put this in the sex thread rather than infidelity because he technically didn't cheat even though I feel like he did. I guess my questions are: Do men ever have emotion in sex? Are men capable of really making love? And if so, how can you make love with one woman and watch another just for fun? How can I overcome these hurt feelings and get our relationship back?
I know this is going to be hard for you right now, but you have to resist the urge to push him away because you are angry. He loves you. He isn't going anywhere. And even though it feels like he cheated, he didn't. Live porn is the new age of porn. It is everywhere. Surely it would be worse if he had gone out to a bar to flirt with women in person, right?

Had he actually cheated on you with someone, then he wouldn't be the right guy for you. But he only watched a girl on a webcam. In the grand scheme of things, it will benefit your relationship so much better if you can just try and be cool about it. Ask him what he liked about it. Use this experience to get closer with your husband in the bedroom. Bond over it. This could really spice up the sex life between the two of you if you can wrap your head around what I am saying here.
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post #8 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 06:34 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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Originally Posted by FriskyDingo View Post
We went out the other night and he was talking with a woman in the bar... a stranger... this is nothing new for him (or me)
Yeah well to me it's weird. I go out with my girl and I talk to her, not some strange woman in a bar that's probably really hot since she's a cam girl.
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post #9 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 06:35 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

Ok, this is ridiculous. Telling her that he did not cheat and that live cam girls are ok.

Telling her to engage in this with him? You have got to be kidding me.
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post #10 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 06:37 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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And even though it feels like he cheated, he didn't. Live porn is the new age of porn. It is everywhere. Surely it would be worse if he had gone out to a bar to flirt with women in person, right?
@WallaceBea

Except that's exactly what he did.

Are you reading the posts?

Specifically the part where they go out to a bar and he's "talking" with a cam girl?
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post #11 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 06:40 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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@WallaceBea

Except that's exactly what he did.

Are you reading the posts?

Specifically the part where they go out to a bar and he's "talking" with a cam girl?
My bet is that he knew that who she was going into the place. I don't think he's told his wife the 'whole truth'.

There is a way to find out.
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post #12 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 06:42 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

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My bet is that he knew that who she was going into the place. I don't think he's told his wife the 'whole truth'.

There is a way to find out.
I'm drawing a blank.

-ask cam girl?
-VAR in his car
-check his internet history and see if she's on any of the sites
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post #13 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 06:52 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

I can't believe what I'm reading here. I would be absolutely devastated if my husband did this! Watching, talking to and interacting with a woman doing sexual things live online??? Omfg no!!!!!

OP I feel terrible for you, I honestly don't know what I'd do in your shoes...
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post #14 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 07:00 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

Occasional porn use wouldn't be an issue for me, but taking it into this would be an issue because frankly, I'd be mad at myself for not seeing earlier that I had married a sleazy guy. I just think sleazy guys do these types of things, and it's not something a wife ''needs to accept''

OP, sorry you're hurting.

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
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post #15 of 81 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 07:06 PM
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Re: Husband watches Cam Girls

Have you guys seen what cam girls sites are like? It's not that big of a deal, unless he was paying for private time. Usually cam girls don't engage in too much. They are just standing around and teasing while several men are in the chat room typing stuff. Many won't get naked or do anything sexual on the free sites unless a guy pays to take her to a private "room". OP said he wasn't paying. He wasn't chatting with the girls.

If he was paying to have private sessions and had 1 on 1 interaction with the girls, my post would be different.

Last edited by Celes; 10-04-2016 at 07:12 PM.
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