My husband doesn't want sex - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #76 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 05:45 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

I'm fully aware that there are people with good sex lives. I'm even aware that I could have one - just not with my wife.

There are a lot of things that are important in a marriage. I've decided not to leave because one of them is missing, but that doesn't mean that I am happy.


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Geeze @Uthred, I wouldn't consider that a sex life at all!

@john117 Some of us posting here actually have outstanding sex lives with our spouses/LTP's. I know plenty in rl who claim to be having satisfying sex regularly with their spouses and live in SO's, too.

Sometimes I wonder if you folks in sex starved marriages don't purposely brainwash yourselves into believing that a sexually satisfying long term partnership is a myth because you cannot bear to leave for emotional and/or financial reasons.
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post #77 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 07:03 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

@uhtred so your at a romantic place, and I'm sure you woo her and you go in for a move and she denies you? I'm just trying to understand.

When I pursue my husband for sex I have a 99.9% success rate. When my husband "pursues" me for sex, he has a very low success rate. This sounds bad from your point of view, but if you were to watch my technique vs his you will understand why his is very low.
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post #78 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 07:51 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

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This is the part I never understood, though my wife is the same way. The idea that someone who has not had sex in a couple of weeks, and knows that they will physically enjoy it and that their partner will enjoy it, but still doesn't want it is very confusing to me.
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I'm fully aware that there are people with good sex lives. I'm even aware that I could have one - just not with my wife.

There are a lot of things that are important in a marriage. I've decided not to leave because one of them is missing, but that doesn't mean that I am happy.
David Schnarch of the Passionate Marriage and the Crucible book fame has an interesting concept when it comes to sex between married partners.

One of his first controversial concepts is that everything in marriage is a compromise between HD/LD. For example, one half of a couple may be HD chocolate ice cream for dessert every night after dinner. Their spouse could hate chocolate ice cream, but may be willing to have vanilla ice cream once a week. For their marriage to succeed they both don't need to have the same level of desire for chocolate ice cream.

To go back to your not understanding, you can love, really love vanilla ice cream once a week, while your spouse can love chocolate each night and then sneak out during the week at lunch a couple times a week to get a one-scoop chocolate ice cream cone fix. It doesn't make you bad for not wanting chocolate ice cream all the time. It does not make you not love and appreciate vanilla ice cream. It just means the two of you have an HD/LD issue.

Similarly, one partner could have an absolute HD need to watch professional football on TV Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday each week during the season. Their spouse could hate football and make sure (he/she) goes shopping or reads whenever there is a football game on the TV. Again, equal desire to watch football on TV doesn't necessarily make or break a marriage.

The same can be said about sex. Yes, some partners are HD and some are LD and that is just how they are. Sex, desserts, what is watched on TV are all things that a married couple will need to negotiate a compromise on. Most people get way too hung up on the importance of this one element of a marriage. It is important, but as you said in your post, you are still thinking of staying in your marriage.

Now another concept that Schnarch is famous for is that when it comes to sex, you get your partner's "leftovers." That is there are things the will not do and there are the other things that they will do. You get the left over things that they will do that you want to do. So Sex among two married people is the subset of the sex acts I am willing to do and the sex acts my partner is willing to do, nothing more no matter how much you want it.

Sex is important in a marriage, because of the oxytocin bonding hormones and the emotional attachment. If you can really master post coital bonding or aftercare then you develop a killer relationship with you spouse.
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post #79 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 08:36 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

Sex is also unique because unlike chocolate ice-cream you cannot go out and get it yourself. Imagine if you love chocolate but you can never eat it because your spouse doesn't like it, and social norms insist that you eat exactly what your spouse eats.



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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
David Schnarch of the Passionate Marriage and the Crucible book fame has an interesting concept when it comes to sex between married partners.

One of his first controversial concepts is that everything in marriage is a compromise between HD/LD. For example, one half of a couple may be HD chocolate ice cream for dessert every night after dinner. Their spouse could hate chocolate ice cream, but may be willing to have vanilla ice cream once a week. For their marriage to succeed they both don't need to have the same level of desire for chocolate ice cream.

To go back to your not understanding, you can love, really love vanilla ice cream once a week, while your spouse can love chocolate each night and then sneak out during the week at lunch a couple times a week to get a one-scoop chocolate ice cream cone fix. It doesn't make you bad for not wanting chocolate ice cream all the time. It does not make you not love and appreciate vanilla ice cream. It just means the two of you have an HD/LD issue.

Similarly, one partner could have an absolute HD need to watch professional football on TV Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday each week during the season. Their spouse could hate football and make sure (he/she) goes shopping or reads whenever there is a football game on the TV. Again, equal desire to watch football on TV doesn't necessarily make or break a marriage.

The same can be said about sex. Yes, some partners are HD and some are LD and that is just how they are. Sex, desserts, what is watched on TV are all things that a married couple will need to negotiate a compromise on. Most people get way too hung up on the importance of this one element of a marriage. It is important, but as you said in your post, you are still thinking of staying in your marriage.

Now another concept that Schnarch is famous for is that when it comes to sex, you get your partner's "leftovers." That is there are things the will not do and there are the other things that they will do. You get the left over things that they will do that you want to do. So Sex among two married people is the subset of the sex acts I am willing to do and the sex acts my partner is willing to do, nothing more no matter how much you want it.

Sex is important in a marriage, because of the oxytocin bonding hormones and the emotional attachment. If you can really master post coital bonding or aftercare then you develop a killer relationship with you spouse.
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post #80 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 08:43 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
@uhtred
When I pursue my husband for sex I have a 99.9% success rate. When my husband "pursues" me for sex, he has a very low success rate. This sounds bad from your point of view, but if you were to watch my technique vs his you will understand why his is very low.

Wow, you usually don't need a technique to get a man to sleep with you. All you have to do is breathe in their direction and most are ready to go. Even if you were stinky, smelly, dirty and just got back from the gym smelling like yesterday's pile of garbage, most men will still do it.

Didn't know husbands had to learn a technique to get sex from their wives...Makes me wonder if alot of the husband's in this section are doing it wrong then...Always thought if you both love each other, sex was just a part of the package. Gonna have to ask the wife what techniques I need to learn. Since she's Chinese I hope she doesn't make me do a back flip, karate chop, jump kick and flying through the air with a sword to get her into the mood.

OP, when he went to get his checkup, did you go with him? Did he specifically ask the doctor to check his T levels? At that young of an age I'm assuming most doctors will assume he has a healthy sexual appetite and won't check it. And trust me, almost no young man is going to ask his doctor to check his T levels by himself. It's a pride issue for alot of men cuz we're stupid when it comes to our "manhood". We like to strut around screaming "STRONG LIKE BULL" grunts...Then ***** about it in silence about how unfair that things aren't working correctly.

STAY ON TARGET!
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post #81 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 08:47 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

"move" covers a lot of ground, but I've tried a lot of variations over the years.

At one extreme
Lets say after a lovely dinner, we watch the sunset over the beach from our cabin on a south pacific island. Maybe she is standing in front of me and I have my arms around her. I've been giving her small kisses on the neck or ear every now and then and she has been making happy noises about it. If my kisses get too passionate, she will tell me that she is sorry but she is too tired (or other excuse) tonight.....

Or.
we are watching TV naked in bed together. I just roll over, take her in my arms without warning and start kissing. Again she will tell me she is too [fill in the blank] tonight.


Sunday afternoons between 2pm and 5pm if we are at home, she will put on lingerie, find me and ask if I want to get to bed. It has been put on her list of chores to do. She gives every impression of enjoying it, enjoying cuddling afterwards, is affectionate for the rest of the evening.


There are some people who don't want sex, or who want very limited sex with very limited frequency and variation.



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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
@uhtred so your at a romantic place, and I'm sure you woo her and you go in for a move and she denies you? I'm just trying to understand.

When I pursue my husband for sex I have a 99.9% success rate. When my husband "pursues" me for sex, he has a very low success rate. This sounds bad from your point of view, but if you were to watch my technique vs his you will understand why his is very low.
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post #82 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 03:31 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

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Sex is also unique because unlike chocolate ice-cream you cannot go out and get it yourself. Imagine if you love chocolate but you can never eat it because your spouse doesn't like it, and social norms insist that you eat exactly what your spouse eats.
The point was how much you want something versus your spouse wanting it. If your spouse needs a chocolate ice cream cone, they can sneak out when you are not around and get that and pretend nothing happened.

Same with sex, if a person needs sex they can also sneak out an get it. Nothing I would recommend, but it has been known to happen.

Again, the point is that almost all things in a marriage, including sex, are negotiated as to quantity and quality. It doesn't matter if it is the dinner menu, what you watch on the TV, or what you do in the privacy of your bedroom. Sex is just one of many negotiated components in a marriage. There is no "correct or right" frequency for chocolate ice cream that is universally true for all couples. Same with amount of NFL football watching, or sex.
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post #83 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 04:53 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

Just curious... you say sex was good for the first few years then went down to a few times a month and continued to get worse. During this decline was he still trying to initiate sex with you and for whatever reason you two weren't connecting sexually?
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post #84 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-12-2016, 07:25 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

The problem is that while people can sneak out for sex, it is generally considered a dishonorable thing to do.

You don't need to sneak out for ice-cream, a reasonable spouse will not object to their partner getting ice-cream even if they don't want any themselves. It is viewed as a normal and acceptable thing for someone to do.

This makes sex pretty unique.

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Originally Posted by Young at Heart View Post
The point was how much you want something versus your spouse wanting it. If your spouse needs a chocolate ice cream cone, they can sneak out when you are not around and get that and pretend nothing happened.

Same with sex, if a person needs sex they can also sneak out an get it. Nothing I would recommend, but it has been known to happen.

Again, the point is that almost all things in a marriage, including sex, are negotiated as to quantity and quality. It doesn't matter if it is the dinner menu, what you watch on the TV, or what you do in the privacy of your bedroom. Sex is just one of many negotiated components in a marriage. There is no "correct or right" frequency for chocolate ice cream that is universally true for all couples. Same with amount of NFL football watching, or sex.
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post #85 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 03:41 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by katiecrna View Post
@uhtred so your at a romantic place, and I'm sure you woo her and you go in for a move and she denies you? I'm just trying to understand.

When I pursue my husband for sex I have a 99.9% success rate. When my husband "pursues" me for sex, he has a very low success rate. This sounds bad from your point of view, but if you were to watch my technique vs his you will understand why his is very low.
So what is the secret for your success?

My wife never initiates, and yes, I would say that I have a low success rate. I have tried several things, but apparently not the correct things. She does not want oral sex, because that is dirty and good females would never do that. I do have some success, but I would like to decrease the feelings of rejection.

some things like helping more around the house, romantic gestures, etc, do not seem to help. I have a too high sex drive, ( i am told) so I get what I call pity sex, or check it off the list of things to do sex.

She does seem to orgasm some of the time, but I have heard that is easy to fake.

So what is your secret? that your H does have a sex drive?
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post #86 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 12:23 AM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

I am hesitant to say that your husband is "not into you". The reason being is you state he doesn't watch porn or masturbate. If he was not into you then he would still be doing these things (or start doing them) for sexual satisfaction. To me, that means he is just not into sex at all. When he went to the dr were his testosterone levels checked?

Do you think he could just be too lazy for sex?

Does he know that this is a serious issue for you and that you have contemplated leaving him over it?

I am in agreement with others that your husband may be feeling emasculated and/or depressed because of his job situation. Perhaps he doesn't feel sexy himself.
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post #87 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-16-2016, 03:31 AM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

These LD and HD terms are better forgotten about, they mean nothing because they stand for a person not wanting/wanting sex, but not for the reasons why.

Especially LD is used like a kind of medical condition, which it is obviously not. The person wants little or no sex - with YOU. That can be for several reasons. There can be another person, you repulse them, they are miserable at making love, you are miserable at making love, or both. There can be medical reasons, hormonal, psycholigical. They may want a better environment, better mood, no headache, no business, no worries, before wanting to or being able to have sex.

HD is less of a problem, because then the choice is with you, but even then there can a multiple reasons.

So LD and HD say nothing about the all important reasons behind them.

God Creates out of Nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but He does what is still more Wonderful: He makes Saints out of Sinners.

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post #88 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 12:05 PM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

@See_Listen_Love: HD and LD are relative terms, not absolute. A person could want sex twice a day but be the LD in their relationship if their partner wants it 3 times a day. And a person who wants sex once a year is the HD in their relationship if their partner does not want any sex at all.

I agree with you that it is dangerous to label people as LD or HD in the absolute, because so much of libido is situational in relation to one's current partner rather than constant from partner to partner.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #89 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

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I did, but hard to tell. He might simply be not interested in my sexually anymore. He does lightup when he talks with my other female friends.


Surprise him by suddenly rubbing your hand over his penis while talking to him and check if there is any erection. If yes, simply slide down his trousers and bend on your knees to make him understand that you are crazy to give him blowjob rightaway. If he dont stop you then surely he is somewhat interested in you.


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post #90 of 118 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: My husband doesn't want sex

Just divorce. I divorced over 100% no sex for 4+ years. We maybe had sex 10 times in my 8 year marriage. But I had other issues, such as I resented/hated her towards the end. A horrible sex life is something to divorce over. It cost me $100K+, but well worth it after being single for 10 months!
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