No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 11-25-2011, 03:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 6
Unhappy No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

This is going to be long, I apologize in advance, but I have reached an impasse in my marriage ...

A bit of background: been married 3 years, together for 7.

My husband has never been very interested in sex with me, although in the beginning we had our moments. But, the last time he initiated sex with me was three years ago, one time on our honeymoon.

He has also rejected me every single time I have attempted to have sex with him ... on his birthday, when I "surprised" him in lingerie he got angry and said I was being selfish and ruined his birthday, since he wanted to leave to go out to dinner. That was the last time I tried to initiate, a couple of years ago.

At first I thought he just had a low sex drive. Then I discovered the porn. He has a significant stash of it, and is still buying more. I have also found extensive lists of women he keeps (various porn stars), I assume for videos he wants to buy.

I have confronted him on this issue many times. He usually gets angry at first, then acknowledges my feelings and says he will try to make changes.

I should add, about two years ago he started coming to bed at 2, 3, 4 am because, I found out, he was upstairs watching porn. Now, at his choice, he sleeps on the couch while I sleep in our room. We have not shared a room in 5 months, again all at his doing. The other day I found about 20 porn videos stashed under the couch, big surprise.

Obviously, as a woman, the lack of intimacy (and deceitfulness on his part) is tearing me apart. I used to take it personally, and long questioned why he wasn't interested in me, even though I am only 32 and in good shape. I now realize it is his issue, not mine ... but I am still lonely and only beginning to recover my self-esteem.

I have come to the realization that he has no intention of stopping this, despite the many, many conversations. I told him today that I could not continue our relationship as it is, that it is just too hurtful, and we are living together as roommates. I should add, the rest of our marriage is decent, and there are many things about him that I love ... he is romantic in his own way, and often tells me he loves me, is lucky to have me ... and I believe that he does love me.

Still, when I told him he needs to get rid of the porn, stop clearing the history on his phone and computer (which he does daily, b/c of the porn), come back to our bedroom and commit to reestablishing our intimate life, he told me he will not stop looking at porn. He also refuses to go to counseling, which I also said we needed.

So, I told him if that was his choice I would be filing for a separation. I don't want a divorce, we have a child together and I hoped would have more, but I don't know what else to do. I'm at a complete loss. Any advice, insights or thoughts very much appreciated ...
sandalsinthesnow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-25-2011, 06:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 586
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

Well, you already gave him the ultimatum and he made his decision. Your going to find life a lot easier to deal with in the future if you woman-up and follow through with the consequences.
In regards to the seperation over divorce, I would want to raise my children in the most emotionally stable environment possible. Depnding on how you and your H get along, divorce may be the best option for the child.

You cannot change him, or force him into anything. All you can do is yourself. You need to be willing to move forward, even if your partner is not.
__________________
There is no right,
There is no wrong,
Only popular opinion.
SockPuppet is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-28-2011, 09:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 22
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

I feel your pain. It's so incredibly painful when the man you love (and fancy) no longer wants intimacy with you but is happily carrying on with his own libido. It makes you feel half a woman and if you have kids, like me, you probably think the only role you're fulfilling is that of a mother.

I am in the same dilemma as to what to do. I love him and he loves me but I don't think it's likely that the spark will ever come back. The more rejected you feel, the more needier you become and that's not attractive to him either. Some people can and do survive in sexless marriages, I'm sure, but I think only people who have very strong self-esteem.

Good luck.
Posted via Mobile Device
sinkingfeeling is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-28-2011, 09:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
CallaLily's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,544
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

IMO I think you made a good choice by filing for separation. Life is to short to be in a marriage that is one sided. Obviously he has a problem. He may or may not wake up and realize it. Even if he does, it might be to late.

Right now it seems he is making his choice. Until he sees there is a problem there isn't much you can do, but go with the separation and go about your life with your child. I'm assuming he had this porn issues before you all married?
__________________
CallaLily is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-28-2011, 03:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 20
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

I'm in a similar situation except that I'm a man, and its my wife who's lost all interest in sex. I also like porn but only soft porn and only as a last resort. My wife seems to have lost all interest in sex since we became parents (see my other post). She has only given the usual reasons for lack of sex (too tired, stressed, feels too ugly etc) but I seem powerless to fix any of it no matter what I do, she's simply not interested any more.

I think it will take a proverbial rocket up your man's arse to change his behaviour. Leave him, take your child, and warn your man that HE will have to explain to his child why you left. That's my take anyway.
mousecat is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-28-2011, 05:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,364
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

And some people say that porn isn't the issue.. I beg to differ..

Porn causes issues in a marriage. Big issues... (Especially when the woman want sex all the time.) You take a woman with high self esteem and high self worth. Over time it crumbles. They are left wondering what went wrong. The woman thinks it is her, when it isn't. When he choose a fake woman on a computer screen over a real one there is a HUGE problem.

I have lived in a sexless marriage (6 times a year), due to the porn use of my H. I told my husband if porn was worth loosing his family over, then to continue what he was doing. I gave him the i am leaving if things continue and I really was going to follow through with it..

You have already given him an ultimatum and he didn't follow through with it.. The only thing you can do now is leave with your child. Maybe by you leaving he will see what he has lost and stop doing what he is doing.
ladybird is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-28-2011, 08:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
FormerlyCareFree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 63
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

This epidemic is so out of control and it makes me so sick. They use every excuse in the book to justify their porn addiction. This is part of the reason why I hate society. Porn is so mainstream now that men feel entitled to it.
FormerlyCareFree is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-28-2011, 09:04 PM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 6
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate all of them. It does help to know others are in the same boat. I haven't followed through with the separation yet ... it is still just a "threat" now.

He is acting as though he will not give in to my request to get rid of the porn on principle that I should not be giving him "ultimatums" ... but it only came to that because he did nothing to change things on his own. It's as though he won't do it because that would mean "giving in" to my "threat." It's just this ongoing circle... and then he says things like, how do I expect that things will ever get better if I keep pointing out what's wrong with him, etc... and placing the blame on me.
sandalsinthesnow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-28-2011, 09:12 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
that_girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wherever I lay my head.
Posts: 10,286
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

Quote:
Originally Posted by FormerlyCareFree View Post
This epidemic is so out of control and it makes me so sick. They use every excuse in the book to justify their porn addiction. This is part of the reason why I hate society. Porn is so mainstream now that men feel entitled to it.
Yep.

OP, I'd kick him out or leave. This marriage is a sham.
__________________

Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
that_girl is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-28-2011, 09:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 6
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladybird View Post
You take a woman with high self esteem and high self worth. Over time it crumbles. They are left wondering what went wrong. The woman thinks it is her, when it isn't. When he choose a fake woman on a computer screen over a real one there is a HUGE problem.
Yes, this! Ladybird, did you end up leaving?
sandalsinthesnow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-29-2011, 07:13 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,364
Default Re: No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn)

Quote:
Originally Posted by sandalsinthesnow View Post
Yes, this! Ladybird, did you end up leaving?
No I didn't leave. I had made all the arrangement to do so.. I called my mother and told her everything that was going on. Asked her if my son and I could stay with her for a little while, until I could get a job and get my own place. I have had enough of it.

Hubby assured me that he would stop.. So far there has been none of it and i do check. (There are ways to check even if the history has been deleted.) I told him if i find it again that he will not have anymore chances, this is his last and I will walk out the door and never look back.
ladybird is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
husband addicted to porn, no intimacy, no sex

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My Husband has been addicted to porn for 10 years RainDrops Relationships and Addiction 8 06-29-2012 12:14 PM
No Sex in 3 Years (husband is only interested in porn) X-Posted sandalsinthesnow Relationships and Addiction 15 03-03-2012 11:20 PM
My 31yr old husband isn't interested in sex with me..but watches porn? Peace2000 Sex in Marriage 17 07-29-2011 09:57 AM
Meathods to get the wife interested in Chat, or erotica, or porn piqued Sex in Marriage 9 04-15-2010 02:10 PM
Infidelity, Porn, and 20 years together LovingMother Considering Divorce or Separation 8 01-06-2010 08:14 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:14 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.