Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I know this topic has been covered in other posts...but, despite similarities, I am convinced that nearly everyone's situation is different. Here is mine.
I have been married to a beautiful woman for 20 years. We had frequent sex when we first married and she seemed to enjoy it a lot. I knew she had some issues about it so I have always been a patient and romantic lover. Unfortunately, it has been a steady decline since then. She will not touch me nor let me touch her. My wife was sexually abused as a young teen by her dad and I suspect that has had a devastating effect on her. She is big into the co-dependency thing and feels she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to. She says it is because she has never learned how to have control her own life and has spent a lifetime just taking care of others giving herself "away". I am far from perfect but I feel that I have been meeting her needs over the years. I know a major need of mine is not being met. Sex is an emotional connection for me...not just a physical act. She tells me that I need sex too much and that I should be able to feel her love for me without it. She feels that anything she does for me sexually would be just "for me" and not for her so she will not go there. She will make dinner and do laundry and hug me but nothing more physical. As things have deteriorated and frustration has set in we have both mistreated each other and there is blame and responsibility on both sides. She says she loves me and doesn't want a divorce but that she just can't have sex anymore. I know I still love her and want the marriage to work, but I also know that I won't live in a sexless marriage. If things don't change I am afraid we are doomed as a couple. I feel trapped...would rather not go outside the marriage, but I feel cheated, hurt and disrespected and my frustration spills over into the rest of the relationship. Any ideas?...other than leaving
Sparky, glad to hear you refuse to live in a sexless marriage. I just hope that if the day comes, your a man of your word. Keep in mind that regardless the reason, a sexless marriage takes a lot of time to breakdown, and even after broken, reconnecting with your wife and building a marriage with a healthy sexual aspect to it, also takes a lot of time, but this is part of the journey and should not be given much thought.
I know next to nothing about sexual abuse... except that it really ****s people up. I can tell you that this will also take a lot of time to deal with. Im sure other members can be more helpful than I.
If she feels that she has spent her whole life as a giver, and now she has adopted the taker role, keep in mind that she is getting a good look at both ends of the spectrum and in time she will find a balance that works for her.
I suggest you get her to IC to discuss her emotional scars, maybe you could learn about it too. Other than that... It sucks to say, but you need to protect yourself, and if she isnt willing to do what is neccesary and take care of her mental self, she cannot truly be a good wife, and I wouldnt hold it against you to leave.
Sparky - welcome x 2! Firstly to TAM and secondly to the club - the club made up (mostly) of husbands in a sexless marriage!
Whilst I appreciate that what happened to your wife was terrible, she also stood infront of the altar (I presume) and you both made your marriage vows. One of them was 'With my body I thee honour' (OK...for the Americans here 'honor'!!).
Basically that means means that I will share my body only with you. It does not mean 'I will not share my body with anyone, even you'.
Despite her very unfortunate experiences your wife entered into marriage with you knowing what marriage is all about. Sex is a fundemental part of marriage and the bonding between two people.
It is also very important for men.
If your wife is simply not interested in even making the effort, then you need to decide if you wish to live the rest of your life celibate.
You can stay with your wife and seek sexual release elsewhere (with or without your wifes knowledge) or you leave.
People here will tell you that you have to respect you wife and the trauma she went through....I agree implicitly...however she has to respect YOUR needs too. Its a two way street.
I am assuming that you are treating your wife with the respect and compassion we all deserve....and not being a total a$$hole towards her...
Encourage her to get help..go with her...but don't lose sight of the fact that its about YOU too...not just her. She must address her marital responsibilities aswell.
I think the trauma of childhood sexual abuse can be so extensive that it is hard for those of us who have not had this happen to understand what it can really do to a person.
I think with an issue like childhood sexual abuse there typically needs to be professional help involved, for her, for you, and for both of you together so that the issues can be worked through and you can learn how to reconnect and work together. It can bring you closer if you are both willing to work through it together.
And, specifically for you, there are many good books out there geared toward helping husbands understand the kinds of issues their wives who have been sexually abused have. You may want to look in to some of these, such as the following;
Just a few observations... You said sex was good long ago. My feelings are if she was that traumatized then that period in your llife would have never happened.. I'll bet you the trauma does have an effect however I highly doubt its the whole story.
Your wife probably lost an emotional connection with you and is using the trauma thing as a way of making you back off. She is likely low libido and if given a choice would go sexless herself, however that is absolutely unfair to you.
I think you need to let her know that you are " Not acceptable to a sexless marriage" AND "That a marriage vow of love comes with an undeniable implicit sexual commitment."
Make it clear to her that you are 100% committed to her and that this is OUR issue to work on together.
Give her a choice of if she wants she can leave OR Se needs to commit 100% to improving your marriage in all areas including sexually" Don't let this hang.. take charge.
Now.. You are in for a long road. Talkling sexlessnes tkes a lot of time and patience...I'm going on two years now...I expect another 6 months to 1.5 years before we are there. My goal sex once per week.
Here's what you need to work on....
Become a better man... Google "Calle Zorro" read the free stuff and go from there. His paid stuff is worth $$$.
Lots of non-sexual touch... tell her you need touch to feel connected and that you want to show her that I can show you love without it always being sex. Non-sexual touch is critical.
Get some books and lay them out for both of you to read.
Date every week at least one hour
Talk once a week about family and also sex (Even if you aren't having any...Talk about it)
Treat every day as a new day... don't build resentment.
Start with that and you'll be on your way.
Get your wife's buy in to the process when you talk to her but never ever be ashamed of your sex drive!
I think the trauma of childhood sexual abuse can be so extensive that it is hard for those of us who have not had this happen to understand what it can really do to a person.
I think with an issue like childhood sexual abuse there typically needs to be professional help involved, for her, for you, and for both of you together so that the issues can be worked through and you can learn how to reconnect and work together. It can bring you closer if you are both willing to work through it together.
And, specifically for you, there are many good books out there geared toward helping husbands understand the kinds of issues their wives who have been sexually abused have. You may want to look in to some of these, such as the following;
As an incest survivor, I believe the above post sums it up nicely.
Therapy taught me to value my body, instead of being promiscuous and self destructive because of what my cousin did to me.
My husband patiently taught me to open my heart and allow emotions to enhance lovemaking and not just empty sex; I learned to numb myself. Nothing is better than a physical celebration of fidelity and devotion.
Your wife should have received help for the abuse before she got married. It is still not fair for your wife to expect you to go without sex. As a wife and as an adult, she needs to look at what has happened to her and make sense of it with a professional.
Gently refuse to live in a sexless marriage, continue to be affectionate and ask your wife to attend therapy. Volunteer to help her heal, but let her know that you should not be punished for what her father did.
jezza-no, I haven't been an a'hole to her. I am far from perfect but I am respectful and try to meet her needs as best as I can.
trying2 - thanks. I do think it is important not to feel ashamed of my sex drive. Lately, she has tried to call it a "disease" and I have strongly rejected that line of conversation with her...at the risk of an argument. I can't apologize for the way I'm wired.
I will fight hard for my marriage as long as I feel she is invested as well.
All the things you said in your post, you have to say to your wife in one way or another over a series of conversations. How you feel about sex/emotion. How it is normal for a male to want his marriage to be a sexual connection. That sex is normal and men who want sex are not perverts. How it's important for her to meet your needs and unfortunately you are not built in such a way to feel love when she makes you breakfast, and we cannot just ignore your need for sex.
You think in terms of "leaving" which is good. But, there is a long way between telling her what is in your heart, and you or her leaving. If your marriage is strong, and your wife likes / loves her life she will not want you to leave her and she will instead decide to work within herself to meet your needs. If you are not giving her a compelling and happy life aside from sex, she will allow your confrontation to spell the demise of your marriage. So you have to listen to her when you are telling her about your needs, because she will probably identify ways in which her needs are not being met.
Regarding the molestation, it is up to her to find the means to meet your needs through whatever it takes, and she has to figure out what that is.
Need advice - Sexless marriage -desperate 
