I Need Help to Save My Relationship - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 09:15 PM Thread Starter
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I Need Help to Save My Relationship

Hello,

This is my first post, and my first attempt at seeking advice/help for my current problems. For some background, I am 30 years old and my wife is 27, we've been together about 9 years and have been married for 4. We met when we were teenagers and I was always scared to talk to my wife as I viewed her as amazingly beautiful (I had very low self esteem and was about 300 lbs at the time). A few years later we began talking and hanging out, and it didn't take long for me to fall in love with her. At that time, I was 22 or so and had dropped out of school, was working a dead end job and would drink and smoke cigarettes and pot pretty much daily. As we grew closer, I felt inspired to do something better with myself. I guess I thought I needed to be worthy of her affection (although the only thing she ever talked about being concerned with was smoking cigarettes). I started working out 5-6 days a week, following a strict diet, quit smoking, and only drank socially and stopped over doing it. I lost nearly 100 lbs and enrolled in school again on my way to 2 degrees and am now almost finished earning a doctorate. My love for her basically inspired me to be a better human, and I feel so proud to be her husband and to be a father.

Like all relationships, we've had our fights over the years. At one point in time about 7 years ago, being the immature person that I can be when I'm upset, I decided that whenever we had an argument of some kind, I wouldn't have sex with my wife the next time she tried to initiate it, (at the time, we would have sex AT LEAST once a day). However, this lead to more problems in our sex life. At first, this was maybe once or twice a month, but my wife is a very sexual person and I didn't know it at the time, but me blowing her off when she would try and initiate sex hurt her very much. Arguments became more frequent as she would ask why I wouldn't have sex with her as often and I would just say "i'm tired" or "I don't know". She became suspicious of me thinking that something must be going on, and I did not want to tell her "oh, it's because you made me mad on this day". At this point, I saw what I had done and wanted to correct it, I would initiate more often and would always go along when she did. But I found that I had put some kind of pressure on myself and now would sometimes be awkward or forced or would have really delayed orgasms. This of course made things worse, and while every other aspect of our relationship was great, our sex life continued to suffer. I was/am so scared that if she knew how this began I would lose her but I wish I would have talked with her about it now.

As I progressed through school, we had 2 children and I continued to work as well in order to provide for my family. But as school got harder, I began feeling more and more exhausted, and our sex life got worse. I would look at my wife and would feel aroused or she would try and initiate sex, but constantly in the back of my mind was "if you don't go to sleep, you only have 7 hours til school, and then an 8 hour work day, its ok this once" or "I have an exam tomorrow, i need rest". Always some excuse in my mind I suppose. This got worse and worse, and I'm now at the point where I feel I have absolutely no energy at all despite how much rest I'm able to get. I'll be up at 7 with my kids, then go to class or work and come home and study until 11 or 12. When we go to bed, I pretty much never initiate sex and when my wife tries, I rarely go along. Not that I'm not aroused, I'll usually have an erection as soon as she touches me, but I'll just let my self keep falling asleep. (at this point we're now having sex maybe twice a month). A few months ago we had a huge fight about it and it was the first time I realized just how much not having sex has hurt her. I thought that since I was doing ok without it that she was too. But after that fight, I realized how much it has affected me too. I miss the closeness that comes with it, and I no longer take care of myself to the point where I've gained about 40 lbs (and she is still attracted to me somehow), I don't feel like I have any energy whatsoever. Since the fight I've been trying to touch her and let her know I love her, and devote more time to her. We have had somewhat erratic sex with a slight increase in frequency. When my daughter turned 5 she started sleeping in our bed for some reason, so when we do have sex its on the couch, the living room floor, master closet etc. Not as intimate as either of us would like. During this time since the fight my grades have suffered quite badly, to the point where I've gone from a straight A student to wondering if I'll even be allowed to the next semester. I have an exam tomorrow and have been studying ~5 hours per day for it.

Last night we had another big fight. It is Monday now, on Friday my wife participated in a fundraiser for the local children's cancer center, and after went out with the other girls that were a part of it. I have trouble sleeping when she's gone and was half asleep when she got home (about 2AM) and could tell she wanted to have sex but I was so exhausted I just went to sleep. Saturday she had a photo shoot (she is a part time model!!!) and got home around midnight, and again I could tell she wanted to have sex but we didn't. Last night I finished studying about 12 and she said wanted to talk, in my head I though "I just want to go to bed, I'm so f*cking tired" I looked at my phone to check the time and sighed. I didn't even notice that I did it at the time, but looking back it was super rude. Of course, this hurt her feelings, and today she told me she's tired of the way things have been in our sex life. She said she doesn't feel like I love her or want her, and she feels ugly and sad and she doesn't want to be here. I told her I try, but she said my words don't mean anything if my actions don't match. I know this problem is my fault, and I'd do anything keep her from going. I do not want to lose my wife. She is the world to me and inspires me in everything that I do. I just feel so exhausted all the time, but I feel that is not fair to her. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

M
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 09:18 PM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

Kick your daughter out of your bed and start having sex w/ your wife.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 09:32 PM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

What is more important? Your degree or your wife?

You get a degree to earn money so that you can enjoy your wife and kids.

Do you want to be a divorced Dr Hybridvoxx?

There are plenty of guys willing to have sex with your wife if you don't want to.

Drop the 40 lbs. You know how to do that.

When your wife goes out, take a nap. You know she will come home horny.

You really have a good life. Focus on what is good.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 09:46 PM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

Better find a balance quickly or she'll do it for you. Start eating right and exercise even if it's just some brisk walking.

Denying your wife sex after a tiff is pretty childish on your part. You don't know how lucky you are. Some would love to be in your shoes. If you don't wake up someone else will be.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 10:08 PM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by hybridvoxx View Post

Like all relationships, we've had our fights over the years. At one point in time about 7 years ago, being the immature person that I can be when I'm upset, I decided that whenever we had an argument of some kind, I wouldn't have sex with my wife the next time she tried to initiate it,
Refusal of her gift of love.
Refusal to give love.

Humans learn. Humans are guided by emotional comfort levels. You have created a box that is difficult to get out of.

Quote:

(at the time, we would have sex AT LEAST once a day). However, this lead to more problems in our sex life. At first, this was maybe once or twice a month, but my wife is a very sexual person and I didn't know it at the time, but me blowing her off when she would try and initiate sex hurt her very much. Arguments became more frequent as she would ask why I wouldn't have sex with her as often and I would just say "i'm tired" or "I don't know". She became suspicious of me thinking that something must be going on, and I did not want to tell her "oh, it's because you made me mad on this day". At this point, I saw what I had done and wanted to correct it, I would initiate more often and would always go along when she did. But I found that I had put some kind of pressure on myself and now would sometimes be awkward or forced or would have really delayed orgasms. This of course made things worse, and while every other aspect of our relationship was great, our sex life continued to suffer. I was/am so scared that if she knew how this began I would lose her but I wish I would have talked with her about it now.
It's never too late to come clean. You bottling things up keeps the pressure on yourself.

Quote:
As I progressed through school, we had 2 children and I continued to work as well in order to provide for my family. But as school got harder, I began feeling more and more exhausted, and our sex life got worse. I would look at my wife and would feel aroused or she would try and initiate sex, but constantly in the back of my mind was "if you don't go to sleep, you only have 7 hours til school, and then an 8 hour work day, its ok this once" or "I have an exam tomorrow, i need rest".
You are allowed to not have sex. But, you need to ensure that the long term relationship is happy and healthy. If there is a deficit in sex, she needs to sign on.

Quote:

Always some excuse in my mind I suppose. This got worse and worse, and I'm now at the point where I feel I have absolutely no energy at all despite how much rest I'm able to get. I'll be up at 7 with my kids, then go to class or work and come home and study until 11 or 12. When we go to bed, I pretty much never initiate sex and when my wife tries, I rarely go along. Not that I'm not aroused, I'll usually have an erection as soon as she touches me, but I'll just let my self keep falling asleep. (at this point we're now having sex maybe twice a month).
It is surprising that you have any sexual energy after that kind of schedule.

Quote:

A few months ago we had a huge fight about it and it was the first time I realized just how much not having sex has hurt her. I thought that since I was doing ok without it that she was too. But after that fight, I realized how much it has affected me too.
In what way did you fight?
Quote:
I miss the closeness that comes with it, and I no longer take care of myself to the point where I've gained about 40 lbs (and she is still attracted to me somehow), I don't feel like I have any energy whatsoever. Since the fight I've been trying to touch her and let her know I love her, and devote more time to her. We have had somewhat erratic sex with a slight increase in frequency. When my daughter turned 5 she started sleeping in our bed for some reason, so when we do have sex its on the couch, the living room floor, master closet etc. Not as intimate as either of us would like. During this time since the fight my grades have suffered quite badly, to the point where I've gone from a straight A student to wondering if I'll even be allowed to the next semester. I have an exam tomorrow and have been studying ~5 hours per day for it.
Like the others have said, what do you expect?

Quote:
Last night we had another big fight.
Why are you fighting?

Quote:
It is Monday now, on Friday my wife participated in a fundraiser for the local children's cancer center, and after went out with the other girls that were a part of it. I have trouble sleeping when she's gone and was half asleep when she got home (about 2AM) and could tell she wanted to have sex but I was so exhausted I just went to sleep. Saturday she had a photo shoot (she is a part time model!!!) and got home around midnight, and again I could tell she wanted to have sex but we didn't. Last night I finished studying about 12 and she said wanted to talk, in my head I though "I just want to go to bed, I'm so f*cking tired" I looked at my phone to check the time and sighed. I didn't even notice that I did it at the time, but looking back it was super rude. Of course, this hurt her feelings, and today she told me she's tired of the way things have been in our sex life. She said she doesn't feel like I love her or want her, and she feels ugly and sad and she doesn't want to be here. I told her I try, but she said my words don't mean anything if my actions don't match. I know this problem is my fault, and I'd do anything keep her from going. I do not want to lose my wife. She is the world to me and inspires me in everything that I do. I just feel so exhausted all the time, but I feel that is not fair to her. Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

M
Match your actions with your intentions. You need no help. Develop an action plan that is based upon the problems that you identified. Act on it, tell your wife and family that they are now #1, and commit to that plan every day that follows.


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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 10:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

I did used to be a very childish/immature person in the early years of our relationship. I was very selfish. It wasn't until we had our first child that I learned to be selfless, but by then I had already done the damage.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 10:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

Thank you for your advice. I didn't even realize I was sort of telling myself what I need to do as I was writing.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 10:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

Thank you for your advice everyone that has replied. This type of disclosure is extremely difficult and shameful to disclose, even anonymously.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 10:38 PM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

I'd go on 3 hours of sleep if it meant sex. Now, you aren't me, but I think I am a typical male in that regard. Maybe you need your testosterone checked, or make sure your not gay.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 10:43 PM
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I had years of being rejected by my DH. It's very sad to anyone to feel that 29 minutes of sleep - whatever it is - it's all more important than being intimate with me.

Fortunately lately my DH did get the message and we are in a better place. It was easy to forgive him when he showed me it was important to him. The thing that meant a lot to me was him scheduling. IE - making an appointment for later or for tomorrow and following through. I can't think of one time he didn't follow through after the breaking point.

I was ready to leave, I was ready to have an affair. I was in my 40s and wanted to know what it felt like to be wanted. If you are still in the grey area with her there is still hope.

You need to take care of yourself too, of course. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress. But even if you can tell her - Friday. Friday I want to be with you. And then follow through of course.
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 11:16 PM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

Go in and get a physical. Then if all checks out - get back to taking care of yourself. The weight gain and not exercising can lower testosterone, which can make you even more tired and not want sex. It's a vicious cycle. I agree with everyone - its time to reevaluate your schedule and make more time for what should be your highest priority - your wife. This may mean dropping out of school for awhile - or at least cutting back quite a bit. Good Luck!
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 10:28 AM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

You seem to be an avoidant person - avoiding doing uncomfortable things. This MUST change, because as you see, avoiding a few moments of discomfort results in A LOT more discomfort.

So what to do?

Admit your mistakes. This is called "manning up". You don't have to be whiny or weak in doing it. Just come clean and be humble. Admit that you spiraled down and wanted sex but allowed yourself to avoid it because of issues YOU were having with YOURSELF. This is very important - it is important that she hear, explicitly in words, that SHE did nothing wrong, that you now realize your denial of a healthy sexual relationship hurt her deeply, that you didn't mean that and that you accept full responsibility for that. Apologize and don't make excuses and accept responsibility.

It is also the path toward improving your marriage. AFTER a full apology - no buts during the apology - but after it, tell her what you are DOING to correct this. That includes being more aware and caring, changing your priorities to put her sexual relationship above your sleep, seeing a Dr about depression, anxiety or low T to rule that out, and going back on the diet to be the best YOU that you can be.

You MUST show actions and nit just words. IF she loves you, these actions will show she is not to blame, and show her you are willing to expose yourself and your vulnerabilities to her. That is the foundation of intimacy - being willing to be vulnerable to your partner. She is likely more emotionally aware, and THIS is what will draw her in to work with you to fix this problem.


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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 10:38 AM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

Can you afford a sex therapist?
I think with all that has happened, if your wife is willing to work with you, then this may help a good deal.

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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 10:39 AM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

You have a woman that despite kids and despite your extra weight, WANTS and needs to have frequent sex with you.

She has been trying to show you her deep love. It is a very precious gift.

No amount of school or higher career path is going to make up for the loss or degradation of such love.

I think it's time you re-evaluated what is truly important to you.

A good book to read is Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. Some of the scenarios she describes with her patients are similar to your own.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 11:04 AM
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Re: I Need Help to Save My Relationship

First, Thank yourself for having the bravery to post here. Posting your story exposes you to possible judgement by others, so you took a risk.

But, this sounds important enough for you to take the issue head-on to attempt a recovery. You also recognized that just trying to put the situation into words in itself led to some self enlightenment, as you had to examine your feelings , and empathize with hers in order to tell the story properly. Bravo.

All I can add to the advice above and below here is to start doing little things to show your love for her. Thank her for supporting you through this difficult time. Every time I open my sock drawer and there are clean socks there, It reminds me that I have to thank her for making the small stuff that she does so invisible that it helps me through my day. I immediately go give her a hug and a smooch and don’t tell her why.
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