Why I just can't do it - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:55 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

well you can look at him and tell him just that.. I love you; but; I am tired of being treated like crap.. and see how he responds.. that will give you an idea of where you stand..
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post #32 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:57 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Seeking, the most important question that you need to answer is this:

Are you willing to "carry" him through this?

It does not sound like you are. Please understand I am not faulting you for this. Some are willing to, some are not, and some are simply unable.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #33 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I just can't do it

I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.

1. what are you doing that is offending your wife
2. isn't there more to life than sex? Jesus. Don't you get sick of hearing yourself
3. dont treat your women like what you see on porn. it is bull****
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post #34 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 04:01 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking1 View Post
I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.

1. what are you doing that is offending your wife
2. isn't there more to life than sex? Jesus. Don't you get sick of hearing yourself
3. dont treat your women like what you see on porn. it is bull****

1. Nothing, she would tell me
2. We have a better relationship now then when we were just married.. less sex & more time together
3. We watch porn together only..
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post #35 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 04:13 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking1 View Post
I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.

1. what are you doing that is offending your wife
2. isn't there more to life than sex? Jesus. Don't you get sick of hearing yourself
3. dont treat your women like what you see on porn. it is bull****
Seeking:

I find it interesting that you came here because of you husband's sullen, angry demeanor.

However, this post above makes me not only question his contribution to this dynamic, but yours as well.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #36 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 04:13 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Seeking, the most important question that you need to answer is this:

Are you willing to "carry" him through this?

It does not sound like you are. Please understand I am not faulting you for this. Some are willing to, some are not, and some are simply unable.

I would suggest you not attempt to carry him through this. Whether your husband is a grown up little boy who wants his mommy/wife to make it all better, or whether your husband is depressed, this is not on your plate to fix.

People hate to hear advice about ultimatums and I'm not suggesting that you thrown down the divorce threat. But you do need to let him know that his mood, attitude and behavior are killing the marriage because they are driving you away.

Send him to a therapist. Stop initiating sex unless you want to have sex. When he initiates in such a lazy haphazard way, do not engage. You tell him he needs therapy and that you are his wife not his mother. When he does his lazy initiation, you tell him this doesn't turn you on. And then follow that up with what you want him to do to initiate sex.

The above paragraph is actually several conversations. First is therapy because his mood and attitude are driving you away. Second is his laziness.

Nothing kills a sex life faster than a man child.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #37 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 04:23 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Do you work for government by any chance, OP? You sound like my mother and your husband sounds like my father. A ball of negativity and yet wonders why we avoid him.

I keep my mouth shut because I live under his roof but, man, I have a few choice words I would like to say.

Your husband needs to fix himself. To hell with this mommy role you are playing to a grown man! Let him gets some friends and hobbies and he won't be the petty person that he is now, being critical of every nonsense around the house.

Godspeed, OP!
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post #38 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 06:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I just can't do it

A lot of good advice.

Thank you everyone! I don't know if I can carry him through. I guess I am willing to as long as he admits there is an problem. This day in day out torture with his mood has got to stop. When the kids start coming to you ask why I'm not leaving, that becomes an issue.

His own son (stepson 17) has told me after many fights, my dad will never change.

I'm going to continue with getting together with my friends, do my activities, and be the best mom I can be.

Sex? That's a tough one. I don't like having to perform as a mood regulator.

I need him to seek help. I can't go on this way. For those of you who wrote that being a mother in a marriage is a mood killer....you're dead on!
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post #39 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 06:22 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking1 View Post
I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.



1. what are you doing that is offending your wife

2. isn't there more to life than sex? Jesus. Don't you get sick of hearing yourself

3. dont treat your women like what you see on porn. it is bull****


If you think that these are the most common behaviors by men on TAM with HD/LD issues (men that are offensive, sex addled, & degrading), you have a limited viewpoint of the complexity of that dynamic. Keep reading.

As for your situation, I agree with Anon Pink. You need to become very forthright, because you are shielding him from the truth at your expense and enabling him to continue acting like a man child. He actually believes that he can pull a Trump (grab you by the crotch), and that this will get you going. You're going to have to upset him and destabilize the relationship. Nobody EVER changes from a place of comfort. He needs some energizing discomfort in his life.


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post #40 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 06:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I just can't do it

He will be home soon. And I am dreading it.
When I think about asserting myself i just feel ill.
I won't bode well. It's occurrent to me that I have no idea how to behave with him.
i'm accustomed to negativity and walking out of the room
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post #41 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 07:20 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Why do you fear confrontation?

Who has taught you that speaking your feelings is bad?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #42 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 07:23 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

There are a lot of different people in different situations. Mostly you hear from the people who are trying because the ones who aren't don't post.

A HD person posting here will talk about everything they have done to try to bring intimacy back. They are likely telling the truth. You don't hear from the HD people who are offensive or objectionable, because they don't know or don't care that there is anything to fix.

A LD person posting here will talk about every awful thing their partner has done to drive them away from sex. They are likely telling the truth. The "absolute" LDs don't think sex is important so they don't post about it.

The LD and HD both are telling the truth but they are not in a relationship with EACH OTHER, so the stories seem inconsistent. Their problem-causing partners are not here.


To answer your questions in my case:

1). As far as I know, nothing. I've asked my wife many times over the years, and long ago changed the few things she did complain about. Based on those, I dress better, I do all sorts of romantic gestures (flowers, love notes, romantic dinners, sitting on the porch watching the sunset - all things I enjoy too). That was about the total of her complaints, and fixed decades ago.

2). Yes there is more to life, but sex is one important piece. If I ask we rarely have sex. If I stop asking (for months) we rarely have sex. So I accept a sex life that consists of a HJ about once every 2 weeks, and actual sex maybe 4 times a year. To me sex is part of the difference between friendship and love. It is one link in a chain, and if that (or any other) link is missing, the relationship is bad.


3). I do everything she asks for in bed, and do my best to find new things she enjoys. She appears to have an O almost every time. She may have been faking for 30 years, but at some point, if she fakes, and lies so well that I can't tell, there isn't much I can do. I'm completely bored by standard porn, no interest in acting like that.


From what I can tell, this is completely different from the situation from yours. Your partner seems generally unpleasant, so I'm not at all surprised that you don't want sex with him. If he were posting here, I'd tell him to learn to treat the woman he loves well.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking1 View Post
I see a lot of guys post on here about their need for sex.

1. what are you doing that is offending your wife
2. isn't there more to life than sex? Jesus. Don't you get sick of hearing yourself
3. dont treat your women like what you see on porn. it is bull****
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post #43 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 07:30 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Seeking1, being treated like a sex object will build resentment, no doubt... you have every right to be upset when your relationship has been minimized where you feel like you are nothing more than a breathing sex toy... problem is his actions and your reactions are caustic and nonsupporting of another. One of them has to be removed first to get a handle on the problems that are driving this, stay with what you can control... you.

Begin with boundaries you can immediately communicate and take action on, and these boundaries begin with you. Our relationship in and with life is to believe in the ones we love (unlimited group of people here), and give them the best we can to help them through the trials life brings, we cannot do that while we are entangled and struggling in the pool with them and being pulled down by the one drowning, we have to disengage for a moment and get a safer grip so we can aid in their survival... emotional drownings are not much different.

You have some really great insights here (thank you @Relationship Teacher) and others that are seeing things you may not...in the end it comes down to what we can muster at the end of the day. You may not be able to save him in the end, but you can at least try help him to the shore where others can and then step back and see if he can be spiritually resuscitated to the man you fell in love with. If you think he is fearful and not believing in himself now, counseling will terrify him... drowning causes panic and he may lash out in anger more, swim aside and let that current pass you.

Do not allow yourself to be pulled under, but don't be the weight that contributes to the demise either...

Peace be with you.
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post #44 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 07:45 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Put a sign on the door - "Negative and grumpy behavior free Zone - Please enter if you can treat all occupants with dignity and respect. If you can't go to the gym and work your anger off until you can!"
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post #45 of 76 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 07:46 PM
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Re: Why I just can't do it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seeking1 View Post
It's awful I even wrote that I'm a dumb chic. Ugh this is worse than I thought.
Sorry for your pain...frustration.

Aside from putting anti-anxiety/depression medication in his cereal there is nothing you can do here.

He has to be willing to help himself. You say he refuses.

If you want my small blessing, here it is.

Give him an ultimatum: You are thinking about leaving him....actually, you already have done so, mentally.

Put fear into him. Tell him if he does not seek mental help he will find himself alone.....again. Say it calmly.......look him in the eye.

Bad behavior deserves consequences. He is not evil, he is deflated and weak. He needs to jump out of the rut that he fell into.

You deserve better.... than this [his] treatment.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall
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