we had a threesome now what?
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 11-28-2011, 06:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Exclamation we had a threesome now what?

So my wife told me that one of her fantasies was to have a threesome with another woman and to also watch me with the other woman. I said i didnt think it was a good idea but after further discussion we agreed. So we had the first one, went about as well as a husband who doesent want to hurt his wife could ask for. with my wife i was a machine, with the other woman fast responding performance difficulties. but when back to my wife, again no problem. Anyhow we played . . . finished up, . . . wife was excited about it we had greatest sex for weeks that we had in years . . . said she wanted another so, i went with it but tried to explain to her that i only wanted to play with her and that i was doing it for her . . . she said i am a guy and that every guy wants it . . . blah, blah , blah, had a lot of fun during the pursuit of a female to join, was very exciting, but when the second one happened, i was able to function but focused my entire attention on my wife while other woman rode me . . . believe it or not i was not into it . . . then the third went much like the second. Now my problem. . . my wife is having a very hard time with the images that keep popping into her head of me with the other women. How can I help her to get through this . . . i only want to be with her and i love her with everything i have . . . i have fantasies but i dont mind pretending or living those out alone in the bathroom with my thoughts . . . I have thought of having a threesome with another man but I know myself better than that I know I couldnt handle it and i honestly believe that me sharing her would only cause her more hurt because that is what i feel . .. .how can a person that loves another watch another man/woman with their lover? I get angry, hurt and very anxious thinking about it so I know thats a no go. I have apologized for participating, though not my idea, told her that it meant nothing and that i only want to be with her. my thought is to keep loving her to the best of my ability, physically (though, since our escapades has dropped) emotionally, and by doing my best to provide for her and care for our family. Has anyone been through this with any success. What else can I do to help her, she's hurting and i cant stand it.
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Old 11-28-2011, 06:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: we had a threesome now what?

You have invited cancer into your marriage.

I dont' know where you go from here...it's going to take a lot of something...but I don't know what.
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Old 11-28-2011, 07:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: we had a threesome now what?

I also wanted to do a threesome with another girl at one point. But my marriage wouldnt survive it.

In order to make it through the aftermath of this you have to separate what you can fix and what you cant. You may feel bad for your wife for the images she see's and the negativity she's feeling, but you cannot fix that for her. The more you try to fix her problem the more she will see it as something you need to fix, and it will never get fixed. She has to fix that problem on her own. Empathize with her and let her know how sorry you are that she has to deal with that, but be very clear that that is her issue to fix. And then focus on what is your issue to fix - your anger.

You're obviously very hurt by her wanting to share you. You have to pour all your energy into fixing that problem. Maybe there was some uncertainty in your marriage before all this happened and now you're facing it.
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Old 11-28-2011, 07:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: we had a threesome now what?

Play w fire and get burned. You guys will have to talk thisout. I wouldn't have the threesomes again. Idk why your wife thought this would be a good idea. The exclusivity of your marriage is gone forever and it happened right before her very eyes. Best of luck.
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Old 11-28-2011, 07:19 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: we had a threesome now what?

Go to counseling. I'm sure this is not a new problem for some couples, and that the counselor has heard it before.

You should be mad at yourselves, not each other. Admit the mutual mistake and get to work on your marriage.
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Old 11-28-2011, 08:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: we had a threesome now what?

Not that it matters entirely, but did you climax with your wife, or with the other woman?

Perhaps this arranagement went a bit south because you climaxed wiht the other woman, instead of your wife? I know you said you weren't "into" it, but i know men who can have sex with women they're not attracted to and still climax. Don't ask me how, but it has happened.
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Old 11-28-2011, 08:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: we had a threesome now what?

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Originally Posted by jitsman79 View Post
. .. .how can a person that loves another watch another man/woman with their lover?


By seperating emotions from the physical act. Not something everyone can do, and even of those that can (like your wife) you realise much to late, that you really couldnt.
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Old 11-28-2011, 08:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I also wanted to do a threesome with another girl at one point. But my marriage wouldnt survive it.

In order to make it through the aftermath of this you have to separate what you can fix and what you cant. You may feel bad for your wife for the images she see's and the negativity she's feeling, but you cannot fix that for her. The more you try to fix her problem the more she will see it as something you need to fix, and it will never get fixed. She has to fix that problem on her own. Empathize with her and let her know how sorry you are that she has to deal with that, but be very clear that that is her issue to fix. And then focus on what is your issue to fix - your anger.

You're obviously very hurt by her wanting to share you. You have to pour all your energy into fixing that problem. Maybe there was some uncertainty in your marriage before all this happened and now you're facing it.
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Old 11-29-2011, 07:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: we had a threesome now what?

It is never a good idea to invite someone else in to your marriage. Regardless of who wants it.
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:32 PM   #10 (permalink)
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The exclusivity of your marriage is gone forever and it happened right before her very eyes. Best of luck.
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Exclusivity is soooooo OVERRATED!!!

The exclusivity between my wife and I was over before we were even married, we honeymooned at Desire Cancun (a luxury resort big with swingers), had an awesome time there with like minded couples and spent about a year in the "lifestyle."

We haven't been in the lifestyle for about two years now but don't rule it out in the future but we just needed the last couple years for each other and probably will need the next few years for each other as we start a family.

But, while there was plenty of drama while in the lifestyle, there were some incredibly fun times, as well, and there is no more liberating feeling than to engage in such activities as a married couple and then go home together (or be at home together once the other couple or individual leaves).

Monogamy is very OVERRATED in my book and very UNREALISTIC. I have no statistics, but I would guess that those in the lifestyle probably cheat far less often than those in "monogamous" relationships. Is it really monogamy if the wife is having sex with her boss or co-worker on the side or if the husband is off getting handjobs or BJ's or more at the massage parlor or elsewhere?
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Exclusivity is soooooo OVERRATED!!!

Not everyone feels the same as you.
It sounds like you and your wife are on the same page.
Most people are not down with the "lifestyle" and would not ever be.
The OP's wife is suffering from a case of "be careful what you wish for."
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: we had a threesome now what?

I am not sure what your wife's reaction is about, but I do know that you should not be the one apologizing. You should discuss things openly, but what are you apologizing about?

I think you need to ask her what she wanted to get out of watching you with another woman? Go google "I want my husband to have an affair."

I am not trying to be a downer, it is simply another way of looking at it. At any rate, in this case it seems to signify something much deeper than simply want to experiment in a lifestyle.
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:37 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: we had a threesome now what?

By the way...the smartest man in the world, or one of them, an elderly paraplegic guy, is in the lifestyle...just an interesting bit of trivia...you never know who you're going to bump into at a lifestyle club...lol.
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post

Not everyone feels the same as you.
It sounds like you and your wife are on the same page.
Most people are not down with the "lifestyle" and would not ever be.
The OP's wife is suffering from a case of "be careful what you wish for."
For sure. LOL

Why is it overrated, Califguy? Just because you aren't into it or can't do it doesn't mean it's "overrated".
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Old 11-30-2011, 12:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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By the way...the smartest man in the world, or one of them, an elderly paraplegic guy, is in the lifestyle...just an interesting bit of trivia...you never know who you're going to bump into at a lifestyle club...lol.
What a silly thing to call it. "Lifestyle". LOL We all have lifestyles. Why do swingers get to grab that word for themselves? lol.

Why hate on people who are monogamous? I feel bad for you that you need more than your wife to be sexually happy and visa versa. But I guess you wouldn't understand being exclusive and actually liking the person you're with...didn't you leave your first wife because she got fat? Then that explains your "lifestyle" now....at least to me. I'm glad you found a woman who is into it. More satisfying for the egos involved.
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