Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 08:59 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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We do enjoy trying to be "in sync" more often, and that is happening more often these days. Managing and cultivating sexual energy while not knowing when that moment will happen is still a source of frustration more often that not. I sometimes enjoy thinking about my wife a little too much on my own and then my libido calms down. Just afterwards I somehow always find myself in a moment where SHE is dragging me to the bedroom and I am like "oh sht!"
When you were having a good time on the bed (during the day when you were not aroused) why didn't you bring her to orgasm manually? Is there is reason for you to stop? In the same way is your wife completely against the idea of being briefly intimate with you even when she is tired? (i.e HJ, BJ). I can be completely exhausted and stressed but will still get a thrill from H using my body to 'M' (all I have to do is lie there and go with the flow as it were).

I get a similar rush of 'love' from doing that.
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post #17 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 09:25 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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This is the exact stuff I was talking about on another thread when I mentioned that some women have gotten to the point in their marriages where they don't even want to be affectionate anymore because their husbands see everything as a sexual gesture when all they wanted was a simple hug or in your case, a back rub.

I have to say that it's pretty sad that a grown man can't even do a NICE thing for his spouse and give her a back-rub after she had a hard day because he can't control his libido. Seriously, that's what this all comes down to. So she has to miss out on what would have been a nice few minutes to end her rough day all because GOD FORBID, you become aroused. Call in the National Guard - it's an emergency of epic proportions!!!

Has it ever occurred to you that you can become aroused and with just a little self control, you can actually live through it and be able to tell the tale to your grand kids? It's true. The world really won't come to an end and you really won't die if you become aroused and actually choose to ignore it.
I'll agree that barely being able to touch your wife without becoming aroused is a little much, but it doesn't take much if a husband is starving. I also think there are different kinds of touching. Sure, a shoulder rub after work or cuddling on the couch during a movie could be just that, but my x wife's sex drive was so unusual, she could be in her underwear and take a full body massage with lotion that lasted 30 minutes(at her request), and if the planets weren't perfectly lined, she still wouldn't be in the mood for sex even though she thoroughly enjoyed the massage.

My x liked attention to her feet. I can't count the times that I painted her toenails or massaged her feet(at her request) while we watched a movie. She would even do little moans at times. Come on!

She seemed to not see any connection to any of this and sexual arousal. I guess I was supposed to be thinking about an episode of Mr. Ed while I was massaging her nearly naked, tan body.

My marriage wasn't totally sexless, but it certainly wasn't frequent.

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post #18 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 09:32 AM
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Thumbs up Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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So I ended up in the living room watching youtube documentaries on the Mars rovers,


It's all good.
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post #19 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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It's all good.
Haha...I was thinking the same and even looked them up. They were very good .
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post #20 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 10:11 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Haha...I was thinking the same and even looked them up. They were very good .


Yes, indeed.


Now, if there is a way to *combine* Mars rovers and sex .. .
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post #21 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 10:21 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

THIS Is precisely why I will never have another romantic relationship. You can't win, and you end up feeling good because you slept on the couch.
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post #22 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Now, if there is a way to *combine* Mars rovers and sex .. .
OMG, some of the best sex my wife and I would have back in our college days was THIS!!! We would go at it, order a pizza with sodas, watch awesome documentaries on the Discovery Channel (before it turned into a stupid guns and cars channel), have sex again, and then pass out.

The best were watching documentaries in the winter about Arctic expeditions. We would cuddle up to stay warm. Outside the window was snow, freezing temperatures, and trains barreling through the snow.







What I would not give to relive those days a few more times!

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post #23 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

So this morning, my wife and I were being playful, but I think knowing that we had guests arriving again today in a few moments gives her some kind of superpowers of confidence to mess with me. She starts giving me a HJ knowing that I am really enjoying it, and I ask her to stop because I am enjoying it too much. It was as if I challenged her to tease me or something. OMG I think I am creating a monster! A few minutes later, she smiles and gets up as or doorbell was ringing, leaving me in a rather awkward situation to cool myself down.

I guess this is BETTER than the fights we used to have!

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post #24 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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She starts giving me a HJ knowing that I am really enjoying it, and I ask her to stop because I am enjoying it too much. It was as if I challenged her to tease me or something.
OMG I think I am creating a monster!
LOL! Maybe she wanted a quickie!
My new book arrived from Amazon, it has tricks and tips on how to have quickie everywhere!



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post #25 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 02:40 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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OMG, some of the best sex my wife and I would have back in our college days was THIS!!! We would go at it, order a pizza with sodas, watch awesome documentaries on the Discovery Channel (before it turned into a stupid guns and cars channel), have sex again, and then pass out.

Why do you think that changed? Not watching the documentaries lol but seems like you both require a lot of planning and your sex life lacks spontaneity?

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post #26 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 05:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Why do you think that changed? Not watching the documentaries lol but seems like you both require a lot of planning and your sex life lacks spontaneity?
Back then we were in college, and our schedules might have a day or two of nothingness. Now we both have full time jobs, teenage kids in the house, laundry piling up, cats to feed, meals to plan, and our bodies do not have the energy we had when we were younger.

When I was in college I would do my laundry once a month at about 2am on a Saturday. I could load about six machines all up at once in the dorm basement and be done by 4am. For some reason when I go to do laundry now, when I go to put my first load in the dryer with my desperately needed just-washed underwear, I find a damp load of the kids cloths that did not dry all the way, has been sitting for days, and smells like sour sht that my MIL left for me who knows when (you know, her trying to be helpful!). So our laundry needs have quadrupled, our capacity to do laundry is exponentially smaller and always starts out with one of us yelling, "fck me!" And that is NOT meant in a sexual way!

Don't let this scare you @*Deidre* as it is worth it! You'll wake up late one Saturday morning and discover all kinds of fun stuff the kids made in the snow!

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post #27 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 03:22 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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When you were having a good time on the bed (during the day when you were not aroused) why didn't you bring her to orgasm manually? Is there is reason for you to stop? In the same way is your wife completely against the idea of being briefly intimate with you even when she is tired? (i.e HJ, BJ). I can be completely exhausted and stressed but will still get a thrill from H using my body to 'M' (all I have to do is lie there and go with the flow as it were).



I get a similar rush of 'love' from doing that.




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post #28 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 03:26 AM
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Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

This is what I want in my marriage. instead I try to balance my (lately, as in the last 6 months) perpetual arousal without shying away from nonsexual intimacy. I just wish we could set blatant signals so H would know that without orgasm in the near future I would start getting grumpy. when we we've tried that in the past, I felt like I was guilting or manipulating him -- I struggle with satiety when I feel sexual intimacy is done as a duty and not because he wants to. I could really use some advice on this!


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Last edited by KaraBoo0723; 11-07-2016 at 03:32 AM. Reason: hit post before reply was completed
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post #29 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 07:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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This is what I want in my marriage. instead I try to balance my (lately, as in the last 6 months) perpetual arousal without shying away from nonsexual intimacy. I just wish we could set blatant signals so H would know that without orgasm in the near future I would start getting grumpy. when we we've tried that in the past, I felt like I was guilting or manipulating him -- I struggle with satiety when I feel sexual intimacy is done as a duty and not because he wants to. I could really use some advice on this!
I am not sure if this is the advice you want to hear, but when faced with this exact same scenario I would often turn down opportunities for sex when my wife was not really into it. It was not only until that we really began communicating that I discovered that doing this AND feeling that way made HER feel rejected sexually. This in turn made sexuality in our relationship even more stressful for both of us.

While easier said than done, if your spouse wants to or is willing to please you when they themselves are not really in the mood, simply enjoy it, be very easy to please, and compliment your partner in the process. This in turn builds confidence and playfulness in the relationship as opposed to stress and anxiety.

The worst thing you can do is to want your partner to want you sexually, and then preemptively try to get them into the mood just because you are aroused and are wanting to feel the connection of being in sync with your spouse. Awkwardly it works way better just to show a spouse how aroused you are and then tell them they can't have that! THEN be playful and confident until your partner remembers the thrill of the chase!



I struggle with myself when I start getting too needy, and our schedules are too overloaded for intimacy. Then I get pushy and she gets frustrated with me. To some extent I think moments like that are just unavoidable but do seem to get a little better with communication so that your partner knows what to expect. Sometimes this will involve avoiding nonsexual intimacy in the event your partner is not in the mood for you to get pushy, AND you have to communicate that BEFORE things get to heated up so that it is easier to avoid your feeling getting hurt.

I'm just learning this...

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post #30 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 08:07 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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I felt like I was guilting or manipulating him -- I struggle with satiety when I feel sexual intimacy is done as a duty and not because he wants to. I could really use some advice on this!


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No-one has a full satisfaction of duty sex but I wonder if feelings are facts here. Is there any rock solid evidence that you are guilting or manipulating him or is it that one sided intimacy makes you feel that way. I imagine these thoughts a very common among women who are very sexual and they are usually self imposed. Has your H actually suggested that he feels put upon or frustrated by your sex drive?

How does it make you feel if you do a one-way act with him? HD women usually get a little buzz from this. Making someone orgasm is a huge thrill for most people don't you think?
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