Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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How does it make you feel if you do a one-way act with him? HD women usually get a little buzz from this. Making someone orgasm is a huge thrill for most people don't you think?
I agree with this! In my marriage (even though the genders are reversed compared to @KaraBoo0723 with her husband) it is the same for an HD male to get his wife excited. However when it is just you getting excited and you are not getting much of a response from your partner for more than a few weeks, it can become rather frustrating and eat away at you.

It is like you are ready to take off, things get off the ground, and you look out and one of the engines on your aircraft shuts down as you are still gaining altitude:



Sure you can still fly and glide around this way, but you are going to have to cut your trip short and land ASAP if you have the skills. Most end up shutting down both engines, nose dive, and eject themselves into self misery. Occasionally this even happens with experienced couples that enjoy a one-sided experience and can leave the pilot and co-pilot in fear of flying again. So the next time a pilot may end up just doing this:



While the co-pilot is doing this:

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post #32 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 09:51 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

I guess I don't understand why being aroused and not acted upon has to be a bad thing. DH and I both do it all the time. No blood, no foul.
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post #33 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 10:09 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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I guess I don't understand why being aroused and not acted upon has to be a bad thing. DH and I both do it all the time. No blood, no foul.
I think the issue is that the "not acted upon" part is the norm.

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
-My wife
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post #34 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 10:17 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Honestly, if my partner is aroused, I just go with it even if I am not in the mood. Its like some tasks at work. Whether you feel like it or not, you have to do it. Most times if you surrender to your partner's desire, it ends up very enjoyable anyway so its a win.

Most times those non-intimate deeds like the back rub end up turning into intimate deeds.
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post #35 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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I guess I don't understand why being aroused and not acted upon has to be a bad thing. DH and I both do it all the time. No blood, no foul.
Being aroused and not acting on that is basically a standard way of life for me, but eventually that arousal builds to a point where it becomes difficult to ignore. At this point if my wife is still unwilling to try for us to be sexually intimate OR at least be a little playful by giving me a HJ or something, it is best to avoid being close.

If I may ask @NobodySpecial have you ever rejected sexual intimacy or have been rejected for over a week once it was made obvious that one person was becoming continuously aroused? That is NOT a spiteful/sarcastic question as I am sincerely curious about how this works in other marriages since this is not an issue for you. I ask that question respectfully as it helps give myself a reality check.

Thanks,
Badsanta
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post #36 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 10:52 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Being aroused and not acting on that is basically a standard way of life for me, but eventually that arousal builds to a point where it becomes difficult to ignore. At this point if my wife is still unwilling to try for us to be sexually intimate OR at least be a little playful by giving me a HJ or something, it is best to avoid being close.

If I may ask @NobodySpecial have you ever rejected sexual intimacy or have been rejected for over a week once it was made obvious that one person was becoming continuously aroused? That is NOT a spiteful/sarcastic question as I am sincerely curious about how this works in other marriages since this is not an issue for you. I ask that question respectfully as it helps give myself a reality check.

Thanks,
Badsanta
I have said no any number of times as had he. The difference is one of attitude. Neither of us see it as a REJECTION. And really? Over a WEEK? We often go longer than a week.
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post #37 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

What comes off time after time after time is how passive yet demanding you are. You "make it known"? And then after a week you are whining. How many posts have you made on this board? If I were your wife, I would avoid you like the plague. And there is nothing LD about me. Is EVERYTHING some kind of sex contract with you?
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post #38 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 11:15 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

In retrospect, for me the solution was simple. After spending too many years avoiding nonsexual intimacy because my wife rejected sexual intimacy, I left. No more avoidance OR rejection! No more issues with intimacy, or different drives. I looked for and found someone compatible, and never looked back. When you are IN the problem - and perhaps part of the problem - solutions are extraordinarily difficult.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #39 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 11:17 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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In retrospect, for me the solution was simple. After spending too many years avoiding nonsexual intimacy because my wife rejected sexual intimacy, I left. No more avoidance OR rejection! No more issues with intimacy, or different drives. I looked for and found someone compatible, and never looked back. When you are IN the problem - and perhaps part of the problem - solutions are extraordinarily difficult.
OR understand this reality and stop beating your head on the wall.
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post #40 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 12:14 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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I have said no any number of times as had he. The difference is one of attitude. Neither of us see it as a REJECTION. And really? Over a WEEK? We often go longer than a week.
Gah...my wife would claw my eyeballs out if she had to wait a week...

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
-My wife
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post #41 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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I have said no any number of times as had he. The difference is one of attitude. Neither of us see it as a REJECTION. And really? Over a WEEK? We often go longer than a week.
My wife and I often go longer than a week as well. At some point my libido starts really building up and I let her know.

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What comes off time after time after time is how passive yet demanding you are. You "make it known"? And then after a week you are whining. How many posts have you made on this board? If I were your wife, I would avoid you like the plague. And there is nothing LD about me. Is EVERYTHING some kind of sex contract with you?
My wife actually finds the communication to be very helpful. She does NOT like it when we get into situations when I am going to begin putting too much pressure on her. So the PURPOSE of communicating my arousal is to help her know when to avoid me. I'm OK with that because I know it helps us avoid arguments, but nonsexual intimacy gets sacrificed at these times.

While you may think many things in my marital life seem like a contract, these are things that my wife has requested of me and needs me to demonstrate in order for things to improve. So the things that seem contractual in nature (e.g. me giving her a break from sexual intimacy so many days after sex, me not getting upset when we do not have sex, me not insisting she has to be aroused when I am) are things that SHE has stipulated through communication.

With respect to me being like the plague, I'll take that as a HUGE compliment!!!!! If my ability to get my wife to continually fall in love with me has the same success rate as the infection rate of the Bubonic plague in European history, I guess I should smile confidently and come home at the end of each day yelling to my wife, "Bring out your bed! Bring out your bed!"

Badsanta

Last edited by badsanta; 11-08-2016 at 12:30 PM.
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post #42 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 12:45 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

@badsanta - funnily enough I watched a documentary on the Black Death last night which was a rather a refreshing upbeat account of its legacy. Mainly an end to feudalism, peasants became land gentry in just 2 generations, the village pub became a must for all those people traveling around for work, those who survived seemed to have developed a strong immune system, women were given roles that were traditionally forbidden. The plague gets a bad press sometimes.....
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post #43 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 12:59 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Being aroused and not acting on that is basically a standard way of life for me, but eventually that arousal builds to a point where it becomes difficult to ignore. At this point if my wife is still unwilling to try for us to be sexually intimate OR at least be a little playful by giving me a HJ or something, it is best to avoid being close.



If I may ask @NobodySpecial have you ever rejected sexual intimacy or have been rejected for over a week once it was made obvious that one person was becoming continuously aroused? That is NOT a spiteful/sarcastic question as I am sincerely curious about how this works in other marriages since this is not an issue for you. I ask that question respectfully as it helps give myself a reality check.



Thanks,

Badsanta


Yep, continued arousal along with continued rejection gets difficult to handle very quickly for me. H and I went 13 months with no sexual intimacy. I personally become frustrated and irritated after 48-72 hours without some type of sexual activity. After 4 or 5 days, just cuddling up next to my H at bedtime can cause actual physical pain for me, a rough road while driving can put me in tears. My H doesn't understand this, he even asked his coworkers if they had heard of experiencing pain with prolonged celibacy and asked what I did when I was single. I've tried to explain that when single it isn't as difficult but that when I am that aroused lying next to my H, or even just casual touches, can be excruciating. Wanting (or needing) intimate contact, being so physically close to him but unable to act on my arousal DOES in fact cause me pain.

I told H just night before last that if there were a way to remove arousal completely or even just to mute it for a short time I would be first in line. I hate feeling this way and, even worse, I hate that me feeling this way hurts my husband -- he feels inadequate and/or broken. I try so hard NOT to show desire or sexual frustration to him -- he was a pedestrian hit by a semi while crossing the street when he was 20 and has decreased sensation to his right groin and leg -- he took Levitra before we met but said that after a month or so into our relationship that he no longer needed it. My high sex drive has been the largest ongoing issue in our relationship. People who have never experienced this have no idea of the emotional pain HD partners like myself feel -- I can't stop my nearly constant arousal even though it's causing my wonderful husband to feel like he doesn't satisfy me.


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post #44 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 01:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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The plague gets a bad press sometimes.....
Same goes for skunks!



But hey, me and Pepé le Pew have a lot in common! We both know what we want and know how to be persistent!

Badsanta
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post #45 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 01:24 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Gah...my wife would claw my eyeballs out if she had to wait a week...
Ugh I would go nuts if the "times per week" discussion was part of my marriage. Sometimes life happens. And oooooo laaaa laaa sometimes life happens.
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