Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #46 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 01:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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People who have never experienced this have no idea of the emotional pain HD partners like myself feel
At moments like that I would often feel a passive aggressive tantrum coming on and want to make my wife know how I was feeling. Because I realized that passive aggressive tantrums made things even worse, I made it a point to try and be creative with my tantrums so that they at least stood a chance to have a positive effect. An example of a creative tantrum might be to buy a nice bouquet of flowers, bring them home, let my wife think they are for her, and then ask her help delivering them to my grandma or something thanking them for being such a wonderful person!
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post #47 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 01:28 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Same goes for skunks!



But hey, me and Pepé le Pew have a lot in common! We both know what we want and know how to be persistent!

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LOL! I find it funny that you choose a cartoon that is an exercise in futility. Your humorous gene is on fire.
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post #48 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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LOL! I find it funny that you choose a cartoon that is an exercise in futility. Your humorous gene is on fire.
I'm sure someone once sent you a Pepe valentine card too!

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post #49 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:14 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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I'm sure someone once sent you a Pepe valentine card too!
I tend to punch out people whose advances are unwelcome.
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post #50 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:21 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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I've tried to explain that when single it isn't as difficult but that when I am that aroused lying next to my H, or even just casual touches, can be excruciating. Wanting (or needing) intimate contact, being so physically close to him but unable to act on my arousal DOES in fact cause me pain.
Same here.

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I told H just night before last that if there were a way to remove arousal completely or even just to mute it for a short time I would be first in line. I hate feeling this way and, even worse, I hate that me feeling this way hurts my husband -- he feels inadequate and/or broken.
Again, same here for me and my wife. I wish I had no drive at all. Working on it.

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People who have never experienced this have no idea of the emotional pain HD partners like myself feel -- I can't stop my nearly constant arousal even though it's causing my wonderful husband to feel like he doesn't satisfy me.
You may not enjoy reading this, but please hear me out as I think you might find a different perspective helpful to both of you.

Your husband is correct. He does not satisfy you. Which is why you are so horny so much of the time. Stop arguing with him and embrace your differences. Agree that he does not satisfy you sexually as often as you wish. But reassure him that he has many great qualities, you love him, and you are not trading him for any other man. After all, some other woman would have bigger or perkier boobs or more money or whatever, and he isn't leaving you over those things, is he? No one is perfect and no couple is perfectly aligned in every aspect of their relationship. In fact, PRETENDING that your spouse is a perfect match is more likely to cause problems than accepting the reality that they aren't.

Marriage is not about finding the perfect match and then demanding that they never change and tying them to the wall so they can't escape. Marriage is about making a commitment to stay with a person despite their flaws and despite the ways in which they are not a perfect match for you. it is about doing the work to iron out or accept your differences. It is about constantly working to become more compatible, not about achieving a state of perfect and petrified compatibility.

When you tell your husband that he fully satisfies you, you are lying to him. And he knows you are lying. And he may appreciate the sentiment behind the lie. But he would probably appreciate the truth more.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #51 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

So here is a speculation. And I hope it is not mean or in any way missing the point in a hurtful way. The overarching message I get from these posts is the DRIVE. And the wife is a vessel for the drive. Arousal that is disconnected from the person that is your wife. I mean, I was goofing when I made the joke about the pepe cartoon. But it is kind of on point. I would feel like a husk of a body of THAT is what my husband wanted from me. Just a vessel for his drive.
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post #52 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:50 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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So here is a speculation. And I hope it is not mean or in any way missing the point in a hurtful way. The overarching message I get from these posts is the DRIVE. And the wife is a vessel for the drive. Arousal that is disconnected from the person that is your wife. I mean, I was goofing when I made the joke about the pepe cartoon. But it is kind of on point. I would feel like a husk of a body of THAT is what my husband wanted from me. Just a vessel for his drive.


What you may fail to realize is that many / most men would love to be a vessel for their spouse's drive. In fact, that is the pinnacle of desire - to abandon all sense of self and other and pursue pleasure.

Why wouldn't a man want for his spouse that which he desires for himself?


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post #53 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:52 PM
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Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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What you may fail to realize is that many / most men would love to be a vessel for their spouse's drive. In fact, that is the pinnacle of desire - to abandon all sense of self and other and pursue pleasure.

Why wouldn't a man want for his spouse that which he desires for himself?


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In fact there is a very, very small but quite vocal subculture / fetish of cuckolds and their "hot wives" who pursue this fantasy of watching their spouse unleash their desires with others who appear to possess this mystical power of passion.

Not my thing but I recognize the underlying mechanisms that are amplified in this fetish.


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post #54 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:59 PM
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Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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So here is a speculation. And I hope it is not mean or in any way missing the point in a hurtful way. The overarching message I get from these posts is the DRIVE. And the wife is a vessel for the drive. Arousal that is disconnected from the person that is your wife. I mean, I was goofing when I made the joke about the pepe cartoon. But it is kind of on point. I would feel like a husk of a body of THAT is what my husband wanted from me. Just a vessel for his drive.


My husband is everything to me and says I've never made him feel like "just a vessel" for my drive. I am incredibly touch oriented, sexually and nonsexually. We've discussed at length ways to minimize my sexual frustration but "taking care of it" myself will only increase my frustration more often than not. It's not only the physical aspect of making love for me -- it's the closeness, the intimate connection that powers my drive. This actually helps my H to initiate as it is not the orgasm that I'm after but instead the orgasm from HIM that I crave. For most of our relationship he has been willing to pleasure just me when he feels unable to maintain an erection when I initiate -- and when that happens I make sure to give him a BJ ( I love giving him BJs). He tells me that he is horny a lot but often feels PIV is out of reach and does not initiate or accept my attempts to initiate as he feels that I would be disappointed -- I am never disappointed about that but he hasn't been able to fully believe that. When I'm on my period I make it a point to offer BJs at least every other day (he has an aversion to PIV during that time) without expectation of orgasm for myself. Because of the ED he has trained himself to not think about sex very often and so far I haven't been able to break through those barriers.

As far as one-way pleasure offered by him I know when he is doing it out of desire to please me -- as well as when he does it out of guilt/obligation/just to avoid a fight and/or to "shut me up" (rolling eyes when I'm being seductive, huge sigh right before rolling over towards me, manuel stimulation rougher and constant without pause between climaxes). I usually accept the one-sided episodes but if I can tell he's really not into it then I'm left with minimal emotional and physical satisfaction.


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Last edited by KaraBoo0723; 11-08-2016 at 03:15 PM. Reason: Clarity
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post #55 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 03:14 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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When I'm on my period I make it a point to offer BJs at least every other day (he has an aversion to PIV during that time) without expectation of orgasm for myself. Because of the ED he has trained himself to not think about sex very often and so far I haven't been able to break through those barriers.
When you are on your period, why do you avoid orgasms? Have you thought about using a mooncup? Orgasms during menstruation help cramps and PMS.


Quote:
As far as one-way pleasure offered by him I know when he is doing it out of desire to please me -- as well as when he does it out of guilt/obligation/just to avoid a fight and/or to "shut me up" (his words). I usually accept the one-sided episodes but if I can tell he's really not into it then I'm left with minimal emotional and physical satisfaction.


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Hmmm...although your H's response to one way sounds somewhat selfish when you are prepared to do the same, ED can be a really distressing thing for men and it may give him a feeling of inadequacy which makes him tetchy. It takes a lot of reassurance and playful interaction to get through to some men that it really, really doesn't matter and there is lots of fun to be had without an erection. It just takes time and persistence, but not like Pepe Le Pew.
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post #56 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 03:32 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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When you are on your period, why do you avoid orgasms? Have you thought about using a mooncup? Orgasms during menstruation help cramps and PMS.
When on my period I am even more horny and yes, orgasm does relieve a lot of my symptoms but because of the heightened sensitivity I prefer to handle it myself -- H gets a little carried away and doesn't realize how vigorous he's being. If he offers, I'll ask him to play with my hair, neck, ears, breasts to increase the power of my orgasm.



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Hmmm...although your H's response to one way sounds somewhat selfish when you are prepared to do the same, ED can be a really distressing thing for men and it may give him a feeling of inadequacy which makes him tetchy. It takes a lot of reassurance and playful interaction to get through to some men that it really, really doesn't matter and there is lots of fun to be had without an erection. It just takes time and persistence, but not like Pepe Le Pew.

I think it's more that giving me an orgasm can sometimes bring his perceived failings front and center. I'm an RN and have been reassuring him that making love doesn't require PIV and telling him how incredible his touch makes me feel even without PIV but he's battling 22 years of ingrained doubts and insecurities.


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post #57 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 07:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Marriage is not about finding the perfect match and then demanding that they never change and tying them to the wall so they can't escape. Marriage is about making a commitment to stay with a person despite their flaws and despite the ways in which they are not a perfect match for you. it is about doing the work to iron out or accept your differences. It is about constantly working to become more compatible, not about achieving a state of perfect and petrified compatibility.

When you tell your husband that he fully satisfies you, you are lying to him. And he knows you are lying. And he may appreciate the sentiment behind the lie. But he would probably appreciate the truth more.
@Holdingontoit I usually refrain from agreeing with you as your approach to solving problems in your marriage is a very different approach than that of my own. But reading this it becomes all to important that we must all understand that it is not really important how we go about solving our problems, but more so about our intent and to remain genuine about that.

There are many things in my marriage that are not compatible, but I do not see that as a problem. I see those things as lending to more diversity in our relationship. While diversity is not always easy when it comes to appreciating it in a relationship, if the intent is to love and accept your partner for who they are and to help them do the same for you, that is what a marriage should be all about!

So this one comment of yours really sticks out from what I have read in the past. I wholeheartedly agree with it. Thanks for the post!

...and with keeping the peace in my own thread, I am finding that in order to help someone love you, avoiding nonsexual intimacy can at times be useful for both partners. This is equally as useful as when couples sometimes need to avoid sexual intimacy from time to time. Along with diversity in a marriage of personalities comes weakness if both insist on being close all the time. Sometimes it is the respected distance that pushes two people together in a way that will create such a strong bond that few understand.

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post #58 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 09:10 AM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
What you may fail to realize is that many / most men would love to be a vessel for their spouse's drive. In fact, that is the pinnacle of desire - to abandon all sense of self and other and pursue pleasure.

Why wouldn't a man want for his spouse that which he desires for himself?


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If the spouse does not also want that, it is nothing but use.
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post #59 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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If the spouse does not also want that, it is nothing but use.
Awkwardly enough I agree with you and also insist the same is true for a woman (or LD partner) that only wants nonsexual intimacy that is unwanted by the HD partner. That is also a form of just using your partner when the other person does not want that.

For the HD partner it can be difficult to understand why your spouse would want you emotionally close while at the same time reject or push you away physically. So when my wife gets her back rub and I listen to all the stress from her day while she winds down and dozes off to sleep, meanwhile I am aroused and she rejects that possibility of intimacy in favor of only what she wants... it can also leave me feeling used at times.

Now I do not mind being used as a vessel of my wife's emotional and nonsexual intimate desires, because that it what she needs to help sooth herself after a stressful day. Sometimes I do wish she could be a little more emotionally independent so that at the end of the day we could share positive energy with one another as opposed to her just unloading all of her stress onto me and just using one another. It would be nice to share things more often!

@NobodySpecial if you read this reply and feel a bit like you are investing your time and energy without getting or hearing what you desire in return, "hey thanks for sharing some nonsexual intimacy with me here in my thread!" Now that I got what I needed, I do not care about your replies anymore. Would you mind taking any additional comments elsewhere, because I am really not in the mood for anything else from you right now.

The paragraph above is just me being rather sarcastic to try and demonstrate how some forms of nonsexual intimacy can leave one feeling used and rejected!

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post #60 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 12:45 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

@badsanta
Do you get turned off when your wife unloads all of her stress on you?
This is interesting to me because when I avoid my husband when I'm upset, but then he wants me to "talk" but what he really wants is for me to STFU and go back to being happy again.

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