Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 213Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #61 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 2,957
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
@badsanta
Do you get turned off when your wife unloads all of her stress on you?
This is interesting to me because when I avoid my husband when I'm upset, but then he wants me to "talk" but what he really wants is for me to STFU and go back to being happy again.

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
Actually when my wife is upset or stressed out, I find I respond to her stress by becoming highly aroused! My wife and I communicate about this so that she is aware of that. At times it now becomes rather comical!

We will be sitting on the couch and I will have done something stupid. She will become rather critical towards me and it will make me upset. I start getting defensive and aroused all at the same time. That is just how my personality works! ...so I have an internal conflict of interest that I want to get defensive and yell back at my wife, while at the same time I will want to beg her to shove her boobs in my face. OMG she takes full advantage of that to win arguments in the house!!!! Nowadays when she yells at me, she will purposely pull her shirt down to reveal extra cleavage. To defend myself from this move of hers, I'll pretend that I am really NOT in the mood and insist she put her boobs away. Then I don't have to beg because she will immediately shove them in my face! ...after that, what where we arguing about again?



Badsanta
badsanta is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #62 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 03:37 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,321
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

@badsanta wow your sexual tension sounds all messed up - kind of like the bad 8mm porn I recall from my youth. I keep expecting to hear a guitar whammy bar, picture you with a 70's pornstache delivering a pizza, and your W as the big boobed blond woman at the door arguing about the pizza when the action starts. Is that TMI?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
TheTruthHurts is offline  
post #63 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 05:02 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 2,957
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
wow your sexual tension sounds all messed up - kind of like the bad 8mm porn I recall from my youth.
@peacem has accused me of conditioning myself to use arousal as a form of emotional self defense. In other words if my wife tends to arbitrarily reject me, I simply learn how to enjoy that instead of getting upset. It is like a very skilled game of sexual chess with my wife.

WIFE: (preemptively) Please do not plan on bothering me, I am not in the mood tonight!

BADSANTA: You know how rejection gets me all excited, and I am tired and really just need to go to sleep. Please stop trying to get me all aroused!

WIFE: (speechless)

BADSANTA: Now look what you have done!

WIFE: (about to fuss at me)

BADSANTA: Aaaaa?

WIFE: (speechless)

Last edited by badsanta; 11-09-2016 at 05:10 PM.
badsanta is online now  
post #64 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 05:16 PM
Member
 
Mr. Nail's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 2,343
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by NobodySpecial View Post
So here is a speculation. And I hope it is not mean or in any way missing the point in a hurtful way. The overarching message I get from these posts is the DRIVE. And the wife is a vessel for the drive. Arousal that is disconnected from the person that is your wife. I mean, I was goofing when I made the joke about the pepe cartoon. But it is kind of on point. I would feel like a husk of a body of THAT is what my husband wanted from me. Just a vessel for his drive.
Not sure where that came from but avoiding non-sexual intimacy is just step one in avoiding Sexual intimacy. In other words you can pack up your vessel and put it in cold storage.
Mr. Nail is offline  
post #65 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 04:35 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 423
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
@peacem has accused me of conditioning myself to use arousal as a form of emotional self defense.
I have no recollection of this...but perhaps I'm a genius.

I go through phases of thinking I've got all this sex business sussed. And then I remember that people are complicated and then complicated people are coupled together.

To me cuddling/massaging/bathing/touching...whatever should be done (especially when you have children) at every possible opportunity. If one person gets aroused that should be seen as a affirmation that something is alive in their marriage and a happy ending should be had all round. If neither finds this sexually arousing you have had a precious moment of skin to skin contact which is essential for bonding. Avoiding non-sexual contact is crazy to me. But I am not someone who would ever encourage ignoring arousal either - that stuff has gotten me into trouble in the past and I know where it leads. Not ever going back there.
peacem is offline  
post #66 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 05:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 423
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Nail View Post
Not sure where that came from but avoiding non-sexual intimacy is just step one in avoiding Sexual intimacy. In other words you can pack up your vessel and put it in cold storage.
I agree. Depending on the context it can be a slow road to sitting on separate sofas and sleeping in separate beds.

@badsanta - When we start threads a large number of viewers may remember our username and avatar. A smaller number may remember our previous thread. An even smaller number will remember most of our threads and posts. A tiny minority will remember every detail of our marriages that we have chosen to share. I guarantee none of us know the whole story. So you will get a range of advice that makes no sense. But it is well meaning all the same (I am mainly talking about myself).

This is what I have been thinking. Last weekend H and I were having morning intimacy before the children woke up. Just as an erection came, my son was knocking at the door wanting breakfast. So erection was ignored and we began hurrying ourselves into parent duties. Later I asked H what about the erection and he said 'I just ignore it...'. So, the rest of the day he was preoccupied with the thought that later in the evening we will continue where we left off - it is a nice preoccupation and come the evening there is a sense of urgency and passion which is right up my street and worth waiting for.

The difference between that situation and yourself is that you know, I know and possibly your wife knows that unfinished business may be tomorrow, next week, next month....so just ignoring it is a completely different ask. I understand why you wouldn't want to risk arousal. It is risky - frustration - built up resentment - midnight rows....(I'm having flashbacks )

From what I remember your wife has always been in control of your intimacy. She even controls which sex books you are allowed to read. There is very little wiggle room if she is not in the mood, no give or take, no meeting in the middle. You get frustrated and resentful, she feels guilty and inadequate, she will occasionally give you a few hints to make you think...'tonight'...which momentarily eases your frustration and her guilt, but the evening comes and she is tired. It is not a long term solution.

I don't know what the solution is but I do understand why you would want to avoid non-sexual intimacy and why that may be problematic to HER. But that is perhaps for you to compassionately explain and for your wife to start meeting you in the middle for her benefit as well as yours.
peacem is offline  
post #67 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 07:55 AM
Member
 
NobodySpecial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 5,108
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Awkwardly enough I agree with you and also insist the same is true for a woman (or LD partner) that only wants nonsexual intimacy that is unwanted by the HD partner. That is also a form of just using your partner when the other person does not want that.

Regards,
Badsanta
Yes. Indeed. Using your partner for whatever your own needs are does not amount to intimacy at all. In any form. Intimacy is a shared thing. Which is why I think that is not what you are after at all. You are after sex. Nothing wrong with that. But understand what it is.
NobodySpecial is offline  
post #68 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:06 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 265
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

This was timely. The other night I was on the couch with my wife after the kids were in bed. We were cuddling and being affectionate and I became aroused. After I shared that I was sexually charged, she replied very bluntly, "No! That's not happening tonight!" That type of rejection is painful, but I've learned not to respond to it. She wanted to resume cuddling and was rubbing my leg and thigh. I was literally in pain. I got up abruptly and said no, that I can't do that if it can't lead to more. She was visibly upset with me and said that she was just loving on me. She didn't realize that she was getting her needs met for nonsexual affection at my expense. And to her I was just being an ******* for shutting it down. I think she really thought I was punishing her. It wasn't a good turn of events. Usually I can just suck it up and cuddle - I really love that too. But for whatever reason my desire level was too high to tolerate that. The whole situation is like water on the campfire.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
rich84 is offline  
post #69 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:17 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 2,957
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by NobodySpecial View Post
Yes. Indeed. Using your partner for whatever your own needs are does not amount to intimacy at all. In any form. Intimacy is a shared thing. Which is why I think that is not what you are after at all. You are after sex. Nothing wrong with that. But understand what it is.
I'll give you an example of nonsexual intimacy...

She will ask for her back to be rubbed while she talks about all the stressful things from her day. This may last for up to half an hour. I'll get tired and stop rubbing her back, and then she whines and wiggles to insist that she wants more. Instead I'll ask to take a break and for her to scratch my back a little. She will do this, but for no more than 45 seconds or so and that is it. I can ask for more and I'm not joking, she will actually give me just 1/2 of a scratch (less than one stroke of her hand across my shoulders). Then she will begin tickling my back or pulling hair so that I stop asking.

When it comes to my needs for more nonsexual intimacy such as scratching my back she will refuse and begin citing:
  • cleaning the house
  • taking care of the kids
  • having to deal with my family

Meanwhile when I try to cite taking her out for a nice diner just the two of us to her favorite sushi restaurant, pampering her with dumplings, and both of us having a really great time, that does NOT count for nonsexual intimacy.

Like you just commented, she often just accuses me often of wanting her for nothing more than sex and just trying to use her! To me this comment from her hurts. But I get over it, keep my chin up, and continue to love her!

Badsanta
badsanta is online now  
post #70 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:23 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 423
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by NobodySpecial View Post
Yes. Indeed. Using your partner for whatever your own needs are does not amount to intimacy at all. In any form. Intimacy is a shared thing. Which is why I think that is not what you are after at all. You are after sex. Nothing wrong with that. But understand what it is.
This is a really interesting perspective NS. I can relate to it in terms of pre-marriage boyfriends, who most certainly made me feel used at times. There was one guy who was a lot older than me who I realised just wanted sex with a young girl - he had no interest in me whatsoever. There was also a boyfriend who would have sex with me then not contact me for days and days. Then back again when he was horny.

Compare that to my H. I recently had a kidney infection which meant sex was out of the question as it felt as though I had been kicked in the back. The best I could do is lie there. For weeks he 'used' my body to M. And I loved it. It was incredibly validating that he found my poorly body erotic and that he was turning to me for his sexual needs. Things are similar when I am menstruating.

The difference in being 'used' is that afterwards we hold the moment; giggle about stupid things, talk into the early hours. He gets up early to make me tea, he takes my son out for a few hours so I can do jobs. Then there are times (as he is getting older) that things are not going to happen, usually when he is tired, so he gets my box of tricks out or uses his hands to make me orgasm. I am most definitely 'using' him as solitary masturbation has become somewhat lame in comparison.

So I think the issue of being 'used' has to be put in context of what is going on in a non-sexual way. I never really got into the idea that doing dishes, preparing meals, putting the kids to bed = sex. But now I think I am starting to understand it.
peacem is offline  
post #71 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:23 AM
Member
 
NobodySpecial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 5,108
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
I'll give you an example of nonsexual intimacy...

She will ask for her back to be rubbed while she talks about all the stressful things from her day. This may last for up to half an hour. I'll get tired and stop rubbing her back, and then she whines and wiggles to insist that she wants more. Instead I'll ask to take a break and for her to scratch my back a little. She will do this, but for no more than 45 seconds or so and that is it. I can ask for more and I'm not joking, she will actually give me just 1/2 of a scratch (less than one stroke of her hand across my shoulders). Then she will begin tickling my back or pulling hair so that I stop asking.

When it comes to my needs for more nonsexual intimacy such as scratching my back she will refuse and begin citing:
  • cleaning the house
  • taking care of the kids
  • having to deal with my family

Meanwhile when I try to cite taking her out for a nice diner just the two of us to her favorite sushi restaurant, pampering her with dumplings, and both of us having a really great time, that does NOT count for nonsexual intimacy.

Like you just commented, she often just accuses me often of wanting her for nothing more than sex and just trying to use her! To me this comment from her hurts. But I get over it, keep my chin up, and continue to love her!

Badsanta
You really don't understand what I am trying to say to you. You think I am just being a beotch. What BOTH of you are doing is not intimacy at all. It is using each other. If the acts of service like back rubs or sex are not mutually enjoyed, it is not intimacy. You keep trying to stick your expectations into an incorrect reality.
NobodySpecial is offline  
post #72 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:33 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 265
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
I'll give you an example of nonsexual intimacy...



She will ask for her back to be rubbed while she talks about all the stressful things from her day. This may last for up to half an hour. I'll get tired and stop rubbing her back, and then she whines and wiggles to insist that she wants more. Instead I'll ask to take a break and for her to scratch my back a little. She will do this, but for no more than 45 seconds or so and that is it. I can ask for more and I'm not joking, she will actually give me just 1/2 of a scratch (less than one stroke of her hand across my shoulders). Then she will begin tickling my back or pulling hair so that I stop asking.



When it comes to my needs for more nonsexual intimacy such as scratching my back she will refuse and begin citing:


  • cleaning the house
  • taking care of the kids
  • having to deal with my family



Meanwhile when I try to cite taking her out for a nice diner just the two of us to her favorite sushi restaurant, pampering her with dumplings, and both of us having a really great time, that does NOT count for nonsexual intimacy.



Like you just commented, she often just accuses me often of wanting her for nothing more than sex and just trying to use her! To me this comment from her hurts. But I get over it, keep my chin up, and continue to love her!



Badsanta


Don't you ever feel like a loyal dog to an owner that doles out more beatings than belly rubs? I'm not sure that I could continue to love someone so indifferent to my needs. I've felt that at one time and the resentment nearly crushed any love I had for my wife. I refuse to accept such inequity from someone that professes to love me.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
rich84 is offline  
post #73 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:36 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 2,957
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by rich84 View Post
This was timely. The other night I was on the couch with my wife after the kids were in bed. We were cuddling and being affectionate and I became aroused. After I shared that I was sexually charged, she replied very bluntly, "No! That's not happening tonight!" That type of rejection is painful, but I've learned not to respond to it. She wanted to resume cuddling and was rubbing my leg and thigh. I was literally in pain. I got up abruptly and said no, that I can't do that if it can't lead to more. She was visibly upset with me and said that she was just loving on me. She didn't realize that she was getting her needs met for nonsexual affection at my expense. And to her I was just being an ******* for shutting it down. I think she really thought I was punishing her. It wasn't a good turn of events. Usually I can just suck it up and cuddle - I really love that too. But for whatever reason my desire level was too high to tolerate that. The whole situation is like water on the campfire.

I've been in this situation before! And I would actually be OK remaining on the couch and cuddling if I got a sense that my wife enjoyed me being aroused by her, even if it was not going to happen. But when a spouse REJECTS the fact that she is getting you aroused and insists that those feelings are unwanted at that time, YES it hurts and is painful.

My wife always accuses me of just arbitrarily getting myself aroused as if it was an untimely decision of mine to mess up a perfectly wonderful moment. She could almost never see that I was very attracted to her and that it was being close to her that was getting me aroused.

I later found out she had very low self esteem about her body image, and literally thought she looked like, "a big fat cow" in her own opinion. It took me a while to appreciate that my arousal would cause her anxiety in the forms of:
  • she thought I had been watching porn earlier in the day and needed to relieve that sexual tension by using her (NOT TRUE).
  • she could not accept that I was aroused by her, and becoming physically intimate would force her to confront her own body and contempt she had for her own looks.

I have been working aggressively to help her improve her self image and see that she actually is beautiful. Our teenage daughter even got involved in the debate over self image and got VERY UPSET at her mom for calling herself fat. She told her, "mom, you are beautiful!" This made my wife start crying. Hearing it from our daughter was much more sincere and honest for her to hear than compared to hearing it from me. When I would tell her, she just convinced herself that I was lying and trying to manipulate her. She has had, and still does have trouble believing it.

@rich84 I am not sure if this is the case for you, but it is something to be aware of. Women, no mater how fit or slim they are, get bombarded by advertising that tells them they will never look good enough in order to sell them more products. Meanwhile us men are often like honey badgers with regards to our self image! Wow, look at this HUGE scar I got across my face honey, doesn't this make me look cool (just an exaggeration)!

Badsanta
badsanta is online now  
post #74 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 265
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
I've been in this situation before! And I would actually be OK remaining on the couch and cuddling if I got a sense that my wife enjoyed me being aroused by her, even if it was not going to happen. But when a spouse REJECTS the fact that she is getting you aroused and insists that those feelings are unwanted at that time, YES it hurts and is painful.



My wife always accuses me of just arbitrarily getting myself aroused as if it was an untimely decision of mine to mess up a perfectly wonderful moment. She could almost never see that I was very attracted to her and that it was being close to her that was getting me aroused.



I later found out she had very low self esteem about her body image, and literally thought she looked like, "a big fat cow" in her own opinion. It took me a while to appreciate that my arousal would cause her anxiety in the forms of:


  • she thought I had been watching porn earlier in the day and needed to relieve that sexual tension by using her (NOT TRUE).
  • she could not accept that I was aroused by her, and becoming physically intimate would force her to confront her own body and contempt she had for her own looks.



I have been working aggressively to help her improve her self image and see that she actually is beautiful. Our teenage daughter even got involved in the debate over self image and got VERY UPSET at her mom for calling herself fat. She told her, "mom, you are beautiful!" This made my wife start crying. Hearing it from our daughter was much more sincere and honest for her to hear than compared to hearing it from me. When I would tell her, she just convinced herself that I was lying and trying to manipulate her. She has had, and still does have trouble believing it.


@rich84 I am not sure if this is the case for you, but it is something to be aware of. Women, no mater how fit or slim they are, get bombarded by advertising that tells them they will never look good enough in order to sell them more products. Meanwhile us men are often like honey badgers with regards to our self image! Wow, look at this HUGE scar I got across my face honey, doesn't this make me look cool (just an exaggeration)!



Badsanta


Body image issues are a major influencing factor in my wife's libido too. She also sees herself as disgusting and my desire for her is seen as me being a pig (because who would be attracted sexually to her in this state?!!). I've tried to help her increase her confidence, but it comes from within.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
rich84 is offline  
post #75 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:44 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 2,957
Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Quote:
Originally Posted by NobodySpecial View Post
You keep trying to stick your expectations into an incorrect reality.
Like telling my wife she is beautiful and expect her to enjoy a sincere compliment!

Agreed!
badsanta is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Changing Intimacy - Sexless Marriage sunchild15 Sex in Marriage 470 08-15-2016 07:23 PM
No emotional intimacy, OSF, and resentments. Help! Piper502 General Relationship Discussion 30 06-28-2016 02:17 PM
Lack of sex and intimacy Raveslave Sex in Marriage 18 03-10-2016 07:10 PM
Romance and intimacy heart2heart General Relationship Discussion 16 01-08-2016 10:36 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome