Originally Posted by Married27years View Post
You should have gone into the bedroom with her and given her a back rub, even if you get arroused. This is all part of being intimate with your wife without having sex. My husband doesn't like having sex at night but we are intimate in other ways, cuddling, kissing and then I give him a back rub every night. I know this won't lead to sex but it doesn't matter because this is a way for us to be close and intimate without having sex. Avoiding being intimacy with her because it won't lead to sex has taken a toll on your wife. She feels you only want to touch her because you are hoping it will lead to sex.
My advice is to cuddle, kiss and give her back rubs at night assuming it won't lead to sex. You two will become closer and she is more likely to want to have sex with you when she feels close to you.
I agree and disagree with you. The dynamics in some relationships can get a little more complex. Imagine if your husband might get frustrated with you if you do NOT give him a back rub and help him calm down for sleep at the end of the day. In this case while the back rub may seem like a great form of nonsexual intimacy, perhaps it is leaning more in the direction of a toxic codependency of someone who is unable to handle stress. While YES, it is great to be able to comfort our partners occasionally, it can become rather taxing when it is expected and one-sided.
My wife has argued with me that she needs sex to happen more "naturally" and without any negotiation, planning or arguing. While that sounds great, I have to insist that it will never happen naturally unless she helps me to make it that way. She is now the one deciding that she might need a little more space at moments when I am likely to become too aroused.
So my situation is not as if you are unwilling to give your husband a back rub even though he will not be in the mood. My situation is more like your husband asking you NOT to give him a back rub because he does not want to be around you in the event he gets you aroused. His reasons for not wanting to get you aroused is what he needs in order to relax and not to have to worry about making you feel ignored. This space in turn actually helps him to better enjoy the moments when he DOES want to get you aroused!
If you are someone easily aroused, it is NOT always easy to see that sometimes your partner just needs a little extra space. Even if sex will not happen, the fact that nonsexual intimacy is charged with arousal can actually cause stress for the person that is not in the mood.
Desire sometimes just needs a little distance in order to thrive.