Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 09:20 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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She has been willing to compromise, but I was too often unwilling to recognize or accept her offers as I saw them as duty sex. I used to wait for a moment when she would be receptive, which in turn put too much pressure on her to enjoy it when I initiated. Once I learned to back off, let her enjoy pleasing me, and wait until she asked for things, we have been working towards a much healthier marriage.













Ultimately "acceptance" is the answer in almost every marriage in my opinion, but not in the form of accepting the problems, but instead learning to accept each other in ways that can be appreciated and enjoyed.









Right or wrong, if it means I am about to learn something the hard way, that is very familiar territory for me. I sometimes can't win for loosing... ,but I know optimistic persistence usually pays off in the long run.



My wife would roll her eyes and tell TAM:







But I would give you a huge smile, point to my undeniable results, and say:







Badsanta


You're an incredibly optimistic man, BS. Have you ever lost your positivity with your wife and let her know that you were very displeased with her? I wonder how much she relies on your unflappable resilience? Or is she indifferent to your withdraw?


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post #107 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 11:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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You're an incredibly optimistic man, BS. Have you ever lost your positivity with your wife and let her know that you were very displeased with her? I wonder how much she relies on your unflappable resilience? Or is she indifferent to your withdraw?
OMG we used to argue all the time over sex! For her "arguing over sex" was the one thing that was becoming unbearable to her, even to the point she admits to feeling like she did not love me anymore at some points. My biggest complaint years ago was that I felt like she would not even try. What I could not see was that she was very willing to please me, but that I would not allow her to do that until insisting that it was a mutually enjoyable opportunity. I would then force her to try to enjoy herself, that would fail, make her feel inadequate, and then the arguments would begin.

Now I keep myself unrealistically optimistic. I allow her to enjoy pleasing me, and guess what? She responds very well to that! If I give her enough space (keep my hands off of her with regards to anything that might be overstimulating for her), she eventually starts asking and wanting things. Then the sparks start flying! The level at which she can enjoy physical intimacy at this point is often mind blowing for me. But it was not easy for me to get to this point as it requires:

  • Waiting to initiate intimacy at a point where my desire to be with her has built up to a point to where it responds to universal stimulus (meaning she can do whatever she wants to make me climax and I will respond without fail).
  • Be romantic with intimacy, but avoid stimulating her until she is ready and asking me, and understand that she still loves me and enjoys pleasing even if she does not respond by feeling/desiring her own physical pleasure.
  • Communicating when my libido has become overactive and needy so that we can mitigate problematic situations. This includes avoiding nonsexual intimacy at these times because it will make me too aroused at moments when she does not have the energy/patience/mood to enjoy pleasing me.
  • Keep a positive attitude, even when all forms of intimacy may be problematic for whatever reason

Now that things have been turning around there are times when she finds herself in the mood, and she will out of nowhere drag me to the bedroom! Not often, but it has happened in the past few months about once or twice.

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post #108 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 11:47 AM
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Sex with your life partner shouldn't be this hard...
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post #109 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Sex with your life partner shouldn't be this hard...
In a LTR that has spanned a few decades, enjoyable sex REQUIRES continued personal development. This is at a point in life where many become set in their ways and do not want things to change anymore. Good sex requires you to embrace change in order to experience the most in life.

If maintaining quality intimacy is easy, then you may have stopped progressing as a person and are heading for a world of hurt, OR you have learned early in life to embrace change as a way of life.

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post #110 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:11 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

I've thought a million times that BS's wife doesn't love him. But like my puppy he keeps coming back for more.
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post #111 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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I've thought a million times that BS's wife doesn't love him. But like my puppy he keeps coming back for more.
Now see, I've often thought the same thing at times! Turns out many times my wife was struggling to believe that I actually loved her. We both struggled with our own self confidence and did not feel deserving of being loved.
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post #112 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 03:22 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

Wanting to feel loveed is not the same as loving someone.
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post #113 of 115 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 06:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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Wanting to feel loveed is not the same as loving someone.
A better way to say that is, "wanting to feel loved in the ways you will easily recognize it, is not the same learning to recognize the ways people actually love you. Loving someone in the ways you want to be loved back is not always the way another person will want/need you to love them."

Then we get into a discussion of love languages, but for me it is about personal development to learn to appreciate things and be confident/strong for your partner at all times.

So @WorkingOnMe have you ever avoided nonsexual intimacy for any reason or felt your partner avoided it for reasons you did not understand? I think everyone does it, but rarely is it ever a topic that many of us explore becuase it is so closely tied to the vulnerabilities of wanting to feel loved and not being sure if your partner loves you or not.

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post #114 of 115 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 03:55 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

This is a good post as my life is like these posters!

I'm constantly playing up my wife and her looks, how I still adore her like when we first met, hold her hand, shower hugs, complement that although were both ageing I still desire her body and mind and all I get in return as to compliments is an occasional nice buns ................. (Were 68 and 66yrs old respectively)

I could use more comments and suggestions from her to boost my ego and lead to naked cuddling but now I am begining to think from these posts that she is withholding so that it won't lead to sex. (I'm very easily turned on BTW)

She has medical problems that limits PIV sex to a couple times a year and I understand that completely, but she doesn't lead at all to cuddling or spooning. I'm always the one to pursue these desires.

I'm going to talk to her about these ideas as posted above and maybe work it out.

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post #115 of 115 (permalink) Old 02-02-2017, 04:24 PM
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Re: Avoiding nonsexual intimacy - because it is too arousing

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You may remember that we decided well over a year ago to be intimate with each other whenever one of us asks or initiates. So this may mean I am given orgasms where H has no erection. In the same way I am happy to do things for him when I am tired and not aroused, menstruating etc. Then there are times when we just sync (which is amazing but not the holy grail).
Yay for pragmatism!
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