Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
I have to say that it's pretty sad that a grown man can't even do a NICE thing for his spouse and give her a back-rub after she had a hard day because he can't control his libido. Seriously, that's what this all comes down to. So she has to miss out on what would have been a nice few minutes to end her rough day all because GOD FORBID, you become aroused. Call in the National Guard - it's an emergency of epic proportions!!!
Has it ever occurred to you that you can become aroused and with just a little self control, you can actually live through it and be able to tell the tale to your grand kids? It's true. The world really won't come to an end and you really won't die if you become aroused and actually choose to ignore it.
Well this is where the dynamics get much more complicated. YES, I would have in the past enjoyed this, and in the past year or two I am just starting to get to enjoy this. What used to happen in the past was that if I would get mildly aroused, my wife would reject that!
To her that was NOT OK, and she would begin aggressively withdrawing from all forms of nonsexual and sexual intimacy. I guess this would be her self defense tactic. In the meantime that would be extremely hurtful to me just because I happened to get aroused because I enjoy holding my wife. She would just preemptively reject me before I got too aroused, and that HURT.
Now I communicate when I can get aroused and be OK without sex, and she also communicates when she is able to try for us to be sexually intimate. So what you described above is now starting to happen. BUT I am noticing that there are still times I have to step back because I know my libido is overly anxious to respond. As a guy I am noticing this, because everything starts to become much more sexual in context: I can'y help but to notice my wife's curves, I start actively thinking about the next opportunity, insignificant details about her become arousing. This does not always happen, so I am aware and communicate to her so she knows, "I'm not just playing around right now anymore!"
In the past I did not know how to communicate this, and she rejected me very often and preemptively so all the time. We argued about sex in the past, and she really struggled with feeling of inadequacy that she would never be able to please me. Our arguments were taking a toll. We don't argue about sex hardly any these days, as I use my libido as a way to tell her that she is uncontrollably attractive sometimes, and that I would not change that for anything in the world. She has become more accepting of my libido and she has slowly learned how and when to be a little more playful with me in ways that no one gets our feelings hurt in the event she can't get herself in the mood to enjoy sex with me. I now clearly appreciate her attempts to get better at this as something that means a lot to me. If I am getting too aroused, she might give me just the beginning of a HJ and tell me to just really enjoy myself
thinking about her and how much I want her just afterwards. THAT I really do enjoy here and there nowadays instead of being frustrated or angry with her!