The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life. - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 513Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #136 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 07:32 AM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,472
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Loving and being loved shouldn't be this hard.
Posted via Mobile Device
bandit.45 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #137 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 08:13 AM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 8,053
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Loving and being loved shouldn't be this hard.
Posted via Mobile Device
QFT.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is online now  
post #138 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 08:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southeast
Posts: 4,442
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Loving and being loved shouldn't be this hard.
Posted via Mobile Device
In theory it shouldn't be but for many (maybe most) of us it unfortunately is. Things gets complicated because obviously you're dealing with two people who have their own ideas about how life should go -- especially involving sex. The lesson I learned about marriage was that love was no guarantee of success in any area -- and definitely not regarding sex. I think there's just too much emotion involved -- on many levels -- for it to be easy. For a few, maybe. For the rest, no. Sadly.
Openminded is offline  
post #139 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 08:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 42
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Which of you initiated divorce?
He did. So I guess what we had wasn't enough in the end.
2020hindsight is offline  
post #140 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,916
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Good question
I don't think I do - (or would I know?). I'm quite empathic, and think I can pick up non-verbal clues pretty well.

My wife is not good with non-verbal / social clues. Not nearly as severe as what you would consider Asbergers, but a slight tendency in that direction.

We do have a friend with Asbergers so I'm familiar with the behaviors.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Richard do either, or both of you, have asbergers?
uhtred is offline  
post #141 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 09:51 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,916
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

This really might make a good thread in ladies lounge. Its an important discussion and many people won't see it because it started out being about my personal issues. (I'm completely happy for the thread to go the way it has, I just think somewhere more visible might be better)

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2020hindsight View Post
Wow, this description is great. This is basically how I saw the world as a girl. It's pretty easy to learn what's expected from women sexually by reading books, and you'd have to be pretty stupid not to realize what men want and why they're chasing after you. They want sex. That's the cultural narrative. So you comply to the best of your ability, to fit in with the world as you look for love.
uhtred is offline  
post #142 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 09:54 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,916
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Yes, that was very generous of you - he may never have really understood what you were doing for him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2020hindsight View Post
snip
I was willing and able to take part, for love. Doesn't that count for anything?
snip
.
uhtred is offline  
post #143 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 09:57 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,916
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I agree that there are dangers of misery from open marriages - but these extreme cases of HD/LD mismatch are pretty miserable too. If precautions are taken, I don't know that the risks are really so bad. It seems like it would go a long way towards reducing the stress on both people in a mismatch.

[QUOTE=2020hindsight;16891169]First, my response to your brushing off the dangers associated with adultery. The dangers are all real, and they do happen to people and bring a lot of misery. Vasectomies fail. People get infected. Affair partners get crazy and do awful things. I can't live with those kind of risks. I'm something of a worrywart even without all of that.
/QUOTE]
uhtred is offline  
post #144 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 12:09 PM
Member
 
Chris Taylor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,559
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post

If she were physically incapable of having sex, you know you wouldn't like it but you'd accept it and deal.

To me, this is basically the same.
A little late quoting this, but...

Being physically incapable of having sex and not wanting sex are far different. Yes, I think the majority of guys who had a wife INCAPABLE of having sex would understand and accept the situation.

But in this thread we see a woman who (a) is physically capable and (b) has enjoyed sex in the past and that is the frustrating part. If you have a spouse CAPABLE of having sex, then you get frustrated when that spouse refuses to have sex with you. And it builds resentment.
Chris Taylor is online now  
post #145 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 02:46 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 847
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
This really might make a good thread in ladies lounge. Its an important discussion and many people won't see it because it started out being about my personal issues. (I'm completely happy for the thread to go the way it has, I just think somewhere more visible might be better)
There is something I can't quite articulate about this. You have said twice now this thread/discussion should be in TLL but the reality is that you are a huge part of the problem in your marriage. You have chosen to stay put where you are even though you are unhappy, discontent.

You are being treated how you allow yourself to be treated, BTDT. You say your wife wants you to be happy in all other areas of life but the reality is that a partner that truly cares doesn't prance around in lingerie and then turn you down for sex, it is just wrong but you are happy to live like this. Seems quite a self depreciating way to live.
MrsHolland is offline  
post #146 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 03:18 PM
Member
 
Faithful Wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 11,045
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Taylor View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post

If she were physically incapable of having sex, you know you wouldn't like it but you'd accept it and deal.

To me, this is basically the same.
A little late quoting this, but...

Being physically incapable of having sex and not wanting sex are far different. Yes, I think the majority of guys who had a wife INCAPABLE of having sex would understand and accept the situation.

But in this thread we see a woman who (a) is physically capable and (b) has enjoyed sex in the past and that is the frustrating part. If you have a spouse CAPABLE of having sex, then you get frustrated when that spouse refuses to have sex with you. And it builds resentment.
Yes I agree. However, the OP has stated several times that he will never divorce her.

So with this in mind, his only hope of not living in further constant frustration and resentment for the rest of his life is to accept this situation and stop trying to change her.

As long as he is still hopeful that she can or will change, he will be unhappy and frustrated. If he can accept her and his sex life as they are today, he may find some peace in it.
Faithful Wife is offline  
post #147 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,916
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

This thread was started about my particular situation. From the discussion though it appears that there are a fair number of women (and maybe men?) who are not interested in sex, who do not feel sexual desire the way typical women do. I've also gotten the impression that some of these women have gotten negative responses when they tried to discuss this.

If so, then a discussion on that topic might be useful. This may be more common than many people realize. It clearly has a major effect on relationships.


For my personal situation, life is a trade. I am happy about most things, unhappy about my sex life. My wife clearly does not have typical thoughts / behaviors regarding sex and does not see herself as being unusual. I have made the conscious choice that the life I have is better than the life I would likely have with someone else. That doesn't mean that I am happy with my sex life, but I have accepted it. I still discuss partly to let off steam, but also because sometimes I learn things. The comments from other women here with a low natural interest in sex have been very helpful in my seeing this from a different perspective.



Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
There is something I can't quite articulate about this. You have said twice now this thread/discussion should be in TLL but the reality is that you are a huge part of the problem in your marriage. You have chosen to stay put where you are even though you are unhappy, discontent.

You are being treated how you allow yourself to be treated, BTDT. You say your wife wants you to be happy in all other areas of life but the reality is that a partner that truly cares doesn't prance around in lingerie and then turn you down for sex, it is just wrong but you are happy to live like this. Seems quite a self depreciating way to live.
uhtred is offline  
post #148 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 04:54 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,472
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
This thread was started about my particular situation. From the discussion though it appears that there are a fair number of women (and maybe men?) who are not interested in sex, who do not feel sexual desire the way typical women do. I've also gotten the impression that some of these women have gotten negative responses when they tried to discuss this.

If so, then a discussion on that topic might be useful. This may be more common than many people realize. It clearly has a major effect on relationships.


For my personal situation, life is a trade. I am happy about most things, unhappy about my sex life. My wife clearly does not have typical thoughts / behaviors regarding sex and does not see herself as being unusual. I have made the conscious choice that the life I have is better than the life I would likely have with someone else. That doesn't mean that I am happy with my sex life, but I have accepted it. I still discuss partly to let off steam, but also because sometimes I learn things. The comments from other women here with a low natural interest in sex have been very helpful in my seeing this from a different perspective.
Answer three questions for me:

1) Do you think your wife loves you as a lover? Not just as a partner and husband...

2) If your wife decided to get off her ass and go and get her fibroid tumors (or whatever the hell they are) taken care of, and could eventually have enjoyable sex with you, would she have the amount of sex with you that you want?

3) If you answered "no" to the first two questions, would you still want to remain married to her?
bandit.45 is offline  
post #149 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 05:34 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2,916
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

1). No. I don't think she is capable of having someone as a lover, not in the passionate physical sense.

2). No. I don't blame her at all for not fixing the fibroids. Her issues with sex started long before she had them, so, no she would not have as much sex as I want.

3). Yes. A decision I've already made. Sex is important, but its not everything.
I have a wife who jumped off a cliff in the Alps to go parasailing with me. Who led me to the almost unknown last ruins of the Minoan civilization high on a mountain side in Crete. Who thinks a thunderstorm on a south pacific island is fun. Who knows the difference between deflagration and detonation. Who is happy sitting on the sofa with me watching Spartacus or Shaun the sheep. Who trusts me to take a multi-week vacation with friends, including a woman that she knows is a close friend.




Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Answer three questions for me:

1) Do you think your wife loves you as a lover? Not just as a partner and husband...

2) If your wife decided to get off her ass and go and get her fibroid tumors (or whatever the hell they are) taken care of, and could eventually have enjoyable sex with you, would she have the amount of sex with you that you want?

3) If you answered "no" to the first two questions, would you still want to remain married to her?
uhtred is offline  
post #150 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-16-2016, 05:42 PM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,472
Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I have a wife who jumped off a cliff in the Alps to go parasailing with me. Who led me to the almost unknown last ruins of the Minoan civilization high on a mountain side in Crete. Who thinks a thunderstorm on a south pacific island is fun. Who knows the difference between deflagration and detonation. Who is happy sitting on the sofa with me watching Spartacus or Shaun the sheep. Who trusts me to take a multi-week vacation with friends, including a woman that she knows is a close friend.
Well, if all of that is worth more to you than busting a nut once a week, more power to you.
bandit.45 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Sex Starved Wife EleGirl The Ladies' Lounge 485 06-25-2017 04:43 PM
Is Sex The "Bottom Line"? Vega Sex in Marriage 1357 04-24-2017 03:39 PM
you did it for other men, but not me? nogutsnoglory Sex in Marriage 2775 03-15-2017 01:35 PM
Sexless marriage Rhapsodee The Ladies' Lounge 13 08-27-2016 10:54 PM
What to do? Ray83 Sex in Marriage 32 12-31-2015 09:44 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome