She wants sexual activity infrequently, maybe every couple of weeks. When we have sex, she generally seems to enjoy it, seems to O (and claims to), and claims to have enjoyed it afterwards.
Interesting that you question her claims, I mean after so many years together, I am with my husband less than a decade and just started experiencing Os together with him, he can tell the difference between the intensity based upon my involuntary movements.
Is there any hidden lack of comfortability or trust here I wonder?
We long ago added toys to are sex life, and she now essentially always wants to have an O with a vibrator. I can give her an O by oral, but it takes a long time and she prefers quicker. I've offered her stand-alone Os, but she has only accepted once in 25 years.
Were you ever resentful over her use with the vibrator?
What about offering to combine the use of both? It can lead to multiple O's for her.
Occasionally (few x / year) she really wants PIV, but it makes her sore. There is one position that sometimes works for her, but is very awkward for me. I do it as long as I can.
It is likely that she can sense your feeling of awkwardness, which could lead to embarrassment for her.
Do you become awkward because it's a painful position for your body or an emotional awkwardness?
She used to give me BJs on my birthday. When I asked if she would do them more often she told me no, she thought they were horrible and abusive.
Any abuse in her past?
Now that PIV is almost always out, no BJs, all she can do is give me HJs. The problem is that quite frankly she isn't very good, and won't take any gentle suggestions or requests to change things. She then complains that I'm very slow to finish and her arm gets tired.
Interesting, both of you could have negative emotions here, it could be displayed non verbally (that you're annoyed) without you realising, she could take your suggestions as to be critical and then doesn't want to participate anymore.
Every once in a while I can get her to try something new for me, she will say it was fun, but then never do it again (even if I ask). Back to the same HJs. (??) I am always willing and eager to do anything she wants in bed, and do my best to guess what she wants since she rarely says.
Again, you are questioning whether she enjoys herself, so she's either faking it or just tried it and it's not for her.
Clear communication would have solved this, how is both of your communication regarding sex, is it clear, honest and concise or do either of you skirt around issues?
She rarely wants sex but every evening wears sexy lingerie around the house and appreciates my telling her how attractive she is in it, and appreciates hugs, kisses, etc. Recently she has been wearing the especially enticing stuff that normally implied an interest in sex that night, and has said we should get bed after dinner, but almost every time has been too tired when it was time. (??)
I find sexy lingerie uncomfortable to wear for normal use and only use it to entice my husband for sex, but yes it does give you a sexy boost if you received compliments, I'm wondering if she's seeking validation from you.
So: why complain that I'm slow to finish, but not want to do things she has previously said were fun that work better for me?
How can BJs be OK on my birthday, but absolutely disgusting and abusive at other times?
Why claim to, and appear to greatly enjoy sex, but always find excuses not to do so?
You have to sort out your communication. It's imperative.
(and no, she won't answer these questions, or answers with a specific reason for a specific thing, not the general answer)
Start by asking about MC for your communication issues, honestly when it comes to sex in marriage, you need to know where you stand, so then you can accept things and move on, otherwise it's forever questioning her motives.
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