The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life. - Page 13 - Talk About Marriage
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post #181 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 02:04 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

True
But I got dealt a totally different hand. Using a card analogy - M2 being my bridge partner: We both got dealt good hands. Both liked sex. When we met I was ummm - competent and she was - spectacular.

More important she never had the idea sex was bad. Neither of us did.

Add to that she absolutely came to the show with a very pronounced viewpoint:
- Sexual indifference greatly increases the risk of an affair
- A decidedly homicidal posture towards cheaters





Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsHolland View Post
It works bc you break the cycle. MrU is participating in the cycle and my bet is that is why his wife is upping the get even stakes by wearing more and more enticing lingerie. His passiveness is fueling her aggressiveness.

FWIW I very much dislike the saying "don't get mad, get even". It is a train wreck in the making. If revenge were my MO I would have decimated my ex husband, instead we co parent together better than most one house hold families.
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post #182 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I haven't been clear. It was tough but a year or two ago I did do that. I told her how I felt, what it would take to make me happy. How things seemed unbalanced. Since she seemed unclear on what I wanted, I gave a clear example of what would be an OK sex life.

She said no. She said that having sex that often would feel like a job and she would resent me. That is when she said just how awful oral sex was for her, how disgusting and abusive and that my giving her oral was completely different from her doing it for me. She complained that this had come out of the blue and why couldn't i ask nicely. (which I'd done before and of course been turned down).

In her opinion, our sex life is good, I'm just completely unreasonable in my desires. She thinks that she does all sorts of things (unspecified) for me (in bed and out).

Some of the LD women here seem to understand. To my wife, sex is bad, a thing to be avoided, something women do *for* selfish men who demand it. There is something wrong with me for wanting it. Her feelings are completely normal, she has no desire at all to change them.


That is why I started this by saying that I knew things wouldn't change.

I've already been branded as evil and a pervert.

Or its all a show she puts on - but even then, clearly she doesn't want sex, so why should I push it. A therapist might convince here that she *should* have sex with me, but won't make her enjoy it.
Did you wife say those things to you? Evil and pervert.

It wouldn't surprise me if there was some abuse in her past.
There is nothing wrong with you, but your wife could have issues that she chose to bury and never resurrect ever again.

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post #183 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 12:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

It was a much longer discussion, but that was the quick summary. Maybe more abusive than evil - she made it clear that BJs are abusive to women ("I think you like it because I don't like it"). "Pervert" was sort of implied by her reaction to a variety of suggestions that I have made. The "You want me to do XYZ??????". and "I don't see why you want that".

Abuse is quite possible.

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Did you wife say those things to you? Evil and pervert.

It wouldn't surprise me if there was some abuse in her past.
There is nothing wrong with you, but your wife could have issues that she chose to bury and never resurrect ever again.

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post #184 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Please don't get hung up on the lingerie. Its strange and difficult to understand but I don't object to it. I've long since stopped seeing her as implying sex no matter what she wears.
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post #185 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 01:21 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
It was a much longer discussion, but that was the quick summary. Maybe more abusive than evil - she made it clear that BJs are abusive to women ("I think you like it because I don't like it"). "Pervert" was sort of implied by her reaction to a variety of suggestions that I have made. The "You want me to do XYZ??????". and "I don't see why you want that".

Abuse is quite possible.
BJs are not abusive to women, that's just her opinion/view.
Maybe something happened with a old boyfriend or something, who knows but that's her view and only she can change it, if she wants.

Can women change their views on sex, absolutely, but that woman has to want do it herself.

Does she know that her comments hurt you?

It's such a pity, it sounds like you guys otherwise have a great marriage, if only she realised that sex can add so much more love and intimacy.

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post #186 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 03:54 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

A


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post #187 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-19-2016, 04:25 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Please don't get hung up on the lingerie. Its strange and difficult to understand but I don't object to it. I've long since stopped seeing her as implying sex no matter what she wears.
I don't see it as confusing. Wearing lingerie makes her feel pretty and feel good about herself. She doesn't wear it for you.

She's self-absorbed and she's not into you sexually. It is as simple as that.

But you have decided to live with this as long as the other aspects of the relationship are of a benefit to you. I get it.
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post #188 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 12:14 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
My simplest script is often the best: Babe, tell me why you are upset with me. I don't like it when you are being mean, especially when I don't know why.
@bandit.45 is correct. We do know why. U2 wears sexy lingerie for some combination of the following:

1. She feels guilty for rejecting U. She feels it is U's fault that she feels guilty (if he did not continue to desire sex, she would not feel guilty). She wants to punish U for making her feel guilty. So she teases him by wearing sexy lingerie even though she has no interest in having sex and would reject him if he initiated. She sees this as a fitting almost poetic "justice" for his mistreating her by triggering her guilt.
2. She likes feeling desired and desirable. She dresses up to allow U to show that he still finds her sexy.
3. She likes knowing that U remain under her thumb / thrall / control. She likes seeing U react to her dressing sexy because it means he is still tied to her. Still committed to staying married to her. If he decided to leave, his reaction to her would be very different. Her getting a "rise" out of him by dressing sexy confirms he hasn't decided to leave.

We all know this is 100% about power and control and nothing about sex or sexiness or her desire for sex with U. In fact it is quite the opposite. Her desire to dress up in sexy lingerie arises directly from her LACK of desire to have sex with U. It is sick and twisted, but quite common and understandable and actually quite rational when viewed from inside her dysfunction.

U does not need to ask her why she does this, because in reality he already knows. And he also knows she will never admit the truth. So there is no point in asking. In fact, asking is a weak move because in the end he will undoubtedly accept her total BS responses which will only further reduce her already pitiful lack of respect for him.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #189 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-21-2016, 12:31 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Holding,
I'd be a hypocrite if I claimed not to understand his aversion to such a conversation.

I can just barely manage the occasional comment about M2's jealousy issues. Normally anything real difficult like that - I can sit down - and in ten minutes or so whip up a nice tight script.

But at best I give her a metaphor - the voltage is just too high on those trip wires. Just don't want to fool with them.

U2 claims she has a normal sex drive/preference set.

M2 claims she isn't jealous at all.

My best case scenario is she understands how jealous she is - and then just feels really bad about it - but the underlying theme isn't going away.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Holdingontoit View Post
@bandit.45 is correct. We do know why. U2 wears sexy lingerie for some combination of the following:

1. She feels guilty for rejecting U. She feels it is U's fault that she feels guilty (if he did not continue to desire sex, she would not feel guilty). She wants to punish U for making her feel guilty. So she teases him by wearing sexy lingerie even though she has no interest in having sex and would reject him if he initiated. She sees this as a fitting almost poetic "justice" for his mistreating her by triggering her guilt.
2. She likes feeling desired and desirable. She dresses up to allow U to show that he still finds her sexy.
3. She likes knowing that U remain under her thumb / thrall / control. She likes seeing U react to her dressing sexy because it means he is still tied to her. Still committed to staying married to her. If he decided to leave, his reaction to her would be very different. Her getting a "rise" out of him by dressing sexy confirms he hasn't decided to leave.

We all know this is 100% about power and control and nothing about sex or sexiness or her desire for sex with U. In fact it is quite the opposite. Her desire to dress up in sexy lingerie arises directly from her LACK of desire to have sex with U. It is sick and twisted, but quite common and understandable and actually quite rational when viewed from inside her dysfunction.

U does not need to ask her why she does this, because in reality he already knows. And he also knows she will never admit the truth. So there is no point in asking. In fact, asking is a weak move because in the end he will undoubtedly accept her total BS responses which will only further reduce her already pitiful lack of respect for him.
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post #190 of 198 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Interesting update. After a several months of almost nothing Ms. Uhtred has gotten interested again and we at least engaged in some sort of sexual activity a few times in the last 2 weeks. Her only comment is that she is "less busy". This has happened before and previously never lasted, but we'll see.
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post #191 of 198 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I only got partway through your OP and got depressed and felt my blood pressure rising.

Sorry dude.

I'll never understand.
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post #192 of 198 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

The cross we are called to bear is sometimes extremely hard

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post #193 of 198 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 12:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Update continued: Mrs. Uhtred is still being much more interested and has also been trying a wider range of things. I've gotten my hopes up then had them dashed so many times in the past that it takes time for me to believe that there has been a real change. Still, I'm (as always) hopeful.
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post #194 of 198 (permalink) Old 02-06-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

@uhtred: Glad to hear that her interest has picked up and glad to hear it happened while you were still interested.

Lately there are hints that H2 might be interested but I no longer am. More's the pity. Nice to witness someone else's wife waking up in time.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #195 of 198 (permalink) Old 02-07-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Update continued: Mrs. Uhtred is still being much more interested and has also been trying a wider range of things. I've gotten my hopes up then had them dashed so many times in the past that it takes time for me to believe that there has been a real change. Still, I'm (as always) hopeful.
Hope it works out for you. It's my belief that a person can only accept so much dismissiveness in a relationship before it erodes the foundations. You have the patience of a stone to put up with it and still cling to hope.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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