The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life. - Page 14 - Talk About Marriage
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post #196 of 198 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Just an update - and more mysteries.

Not surprisingly, our frequency of sex dropped again, went a month without anything this last time. This included a week long vacation with lots of opportunities.

Then this last weekend she suddenly wanted intimacy again. Seemed to really enjoy it - then gave me a BJ, something she has said in the past she finds disgusting an degrading. This was without any asking or hints on my part.

Next few days she's seemed happy and more affectionate. Yesterday she wanted to get to bed early again - but wanted to check FB first. 15 minutes later she decided she was too tired. (sigh).

There has not been a single occasion in at least a year when we had sex after I suggested it.

I don't understand this woman. She gives every impression of enjoying sex and it making her happy. She often talks as if she wants sex, but usually changes her mind at the last minute. When I've asked her about it, she just apologizes and says that she got "tired".
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post #197 of 198 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Just an update - and more mysteries.

Not surprisingly, our frequency of sex dropped again, went a month without anything this last time. This included a week long vacation with lots of opportunities.

Then this last weekend she suddenly wanted intimacy again. Seemed to really enjoy it - then gave me a BJ, something she has said in the past she finds disgusting an degrading. This was without any asking or hints on my part.

Next few days she's seemed happy and more affectionate. Yesterday she wanted to get to bed early again - but wanted to check FB first. 15 minutes later she decided she was too tired. (sigh).

There has not been a single occasion in at least a year when we had sex after I suggested it.

I don't understand this woman. She gives every impression of enjoying sex and it making her happy. She often talks as if she wants sex, but usually changes her mind at the last minute. When I've asked her about it, she just apologizes and says that she got "tired".
As you well know, our wives are quite similar in many ways. The one difference that I can see is that we at least maintain a regularity in our sex life.

And frankly, that's because I don't let her get sidetracked by things such as checking FB, or playing board games, or what have you.

It may seem overly simple and obvious, but when she says she wants to do something beforehand, don't allow her. Literally say "no" if you have to. Check FB later.

In short, stop taking these rain checks, as they almost always seem to end up like this.

Your wife's interest in sex seems to be extremely fleeting, and easily lost. So the key is to pounce when she's indicated it's there. Because in 5 minutes, it won't be - and you know this.

I'm sure I've said this to you before, but you know your wife HAS a sex drive. It IS there. It just doesn't last very long when it comes to her. Even my wife doesn't have those moments of being in the mood - ever. She's RD, so it's always up to me. Yours is telling you, even if it's relatively rare, that she's in the mood, but then you're making the huge mistake of allowing her to get sidetracked, which inevitably turns into her no longer being receptive.

And I'm sure this has been discussed before, but it almost seems to me that your wife purposely allows herself to get sidetracked when she has these brief moments.

OR, because she's not sexually aggressive at all, maybe these moments when she tells you she's ready, she wants you to jump her, right then and there. But then when you don't, she subconsciously sabotages it all. It seems like you have a very very small window with her. She tells you she's game, and if you don't act immediately, she finds something else to do, all with the promise of "when I'm done doing this". Then the inevitable happens.

I actually think she KNOWS this, TBH. That it's her 'out' because you didn't pounce at that exact moment. Her interest is so fleeting, and she wants you to take her the second she indicates she's game.

So maybe next time she says something, take her by the hand, lead her upstairs, and do your thing. Don't allow her to do some mundane, time-wasting activity beforehand. You know what the outcome will be.

Beyond all that, the main issue is that the two of you are inherently sexually passive - and that just never works. I'm not sexually aggressive by nature, either, but I've learned to be on occasion. It goes against my grain, I'm afraid, and I don't always feel comfortable with it, but it's necessary. The only times in my life where I've been comfortable being sexually aggressive is when my partner is the same. So in a weird way, I seem to mimic my partners attitudes towards sex - and that's weak, I know.

My wife is passive, so I mimic those traits. She burned it into my head long ago that she despises being viewed as a sexual object, so I've subconsciously (or consciously) avoided doing that. And by not doing that, I'm not showing her much sexual passion. It's lose-lose.

My ex wife and I were neither passive nor aggressive with one another - or rather, we were somewhat both. Most of the time, we just had sex. On occasion, either one of us would jump the other. Sex would just happen. There was no discussion, no asking. It was 80% mutual, 20% one of us jumped the other. No schedule, no discussions, no rain checks or planning. Nobody kept track of how often. On occasion if one of us wasn't in the mood, or too tired, we'd take care of the other. Or she'd masturbate in bed next to me while I fell asleep, or vice-versa. No shame, no keeping track, or keeping score, no "you owe me one" - nada. All natural, and no big deal.

But as you know, we both have wives who generally dictate to us what our sex lives will be. I've taken steps to remedy that in my marriage, and it's better, but I'm not there yet.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #198 of 198 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 09:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I've tried being more aggressive and it doesn't work. I think its because her getting side tracked isn't the cause, its the effect. I think she *thinks* she wants sex, but actually doesn't. She knows she enjoys it, in an intellectual sense wants it, but realizes at the last minute that she doesn't desire it now, and somehow hopes she will.

Its as if the first stage of desire / arousal works, but the next step just doesn't happen. If we actually do start being intimate, she does get aroused, but there is some barrier before that point.

If I try to push against one of these distractions, she'll say "I'll just be a minute".

I could call her on it, and she might have sex out of guilt - but that really isn't the goal. Most of the time she is very limited in what she will do in bed anyway (last weekend was a very rare exception). I'm just not willing to pressure her into "sex" when that means that she gives me a quick HJ and figures its all good for that month.
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