The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #16 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 10:44 AM
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Alex, yes that's it. For some the goal is to be desired and admired, that's it. The goal is not sex or even sexual, really.

But for those who live this way like your wife and the OPs wife...they get a lot of pleasure out of being desired and admired...as much or more as having sex or other physical pleasure.

I've read stories written by wives about husbands who are the same way.

Uhthred, your wife has no clue that her actions come across this way to you. She is simply following her own path. You pose no challenge to the way she travels down her path so she has worn a groove into the earth by repetition.

And while you wonder and ponder about what all of this "means", she goes along on her path, continuing to wear a groove into the earth, giving zero thoughts to the subject you are tortured by. You think there must be some thought behind her actions....because they are so baffling...but there aren't. She's just stuck in that groove walking in a circle, but in no way is she unhappy. She doesn't understand why you are so unhappy about this thing. She is happy and has no need for more. She's confused by your occasional outbursts when you express dissatisfaction.

You have loved her as she is for all this time. Why would she understand that you actually haven't been happy? It doesn't make sense. You are good to her and you love her and act like you are happy. When you occasionally tell her you aren't happy she feels betrayed because you normally act like everything is fine.

Stop trying to figure her out and instead figure out why you act like you are happy when you aren't. Figure out why not rocking the boat is more important to you than your intimate life. It's about you. Trying to figure her out is just your minds way of keeping you on your own worn groove in the earth.
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post #17 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 11:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Good evening
Yes. I lost the old account and the associated "burner" email so I had no way to reset my password.


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@uhtred, were you on TAM before the great password debacle under a different user name? Your description sounds very similar to @richardsharpe.

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post #18 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 11:07 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

She hasn't seen a doctor, thinks its "just age".

I think it is because sex is so rare. In the past, when we went long periods of time (months) without sex it would be uncomfortable. When sex was more common, the discomfort went away. I've assumed it was a combination of vag muscles not being used to stretching, and anticipating discomfort when things are rare.

When sex was very frequent she not only enjoyed penetration but enjoyed lots of fingers, large toys etc.

She sort of agrees with all this when we discuss it, and agrees that we should try gentle sex (or small toys) frequently to see if it gets better - but then in each individual case she turns it down.

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Also, why is sex painful to her? Has she seen a doctor about this?
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post #19 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 11:57 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

A few thoughts, she obviously likes the attraction of sex just not the deed or finish. Maybe she secretly wants to be taken firmly, that would explain the lingerie, some women like to be taken. Soreness can be related to lack of natural lubrication so try some coconut oil. As far as other activities, try having her strip or play with herself while you masturbate or anal sex or but crack or tit sex. Just some things we've tried. Hope this helps.

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post #20 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 12:01 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Richard:

Overlooking the fact that you were not entirely forthcoming about who you are, do you want the two accounts merged or the old one banned?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #21 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 12:17 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I joined so I could ask one question. Sorry. Are you sure there are no third parties involved? Again sorry but I had to ask.
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post #22 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Don't really care. I have no access to the old one, so mods can ban it if they like. Can ban this as well if they think I broke the rules. I just lost any ability to use the old one.

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Richard:

Overlooking the fact that you were not entirely forthcoming about who you are, do you want the two accounts merged or the old one banned?
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post #23 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 01:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

No evidence that there is. Not sure that would explain things anyway - why flirt with me?

She is also independently wealthy, could leave me with no problems if she wanted to .

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I joined so I could ask one question. Sorry. Are you sure there are no third parties involved? Again sorry but I had to ask.
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post #24 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 01:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I'm sure she doesn't want to be "taken". I've started in that direction and she has made it clear she wants me to stop.

(if she has a rape fantasy, then she would have to tell me. No way I'm going to force against her wishes if she tells me to stop, unless there are pre-arranged safe words etc).

The funny thing is that in the past she did like a bit of that sort of play, including being tied up, but she lost interest in that long ago.

Quote:
Originally Posted by peterrabbit View Post
A few thoughts, she obviously likes the attraction of sex just not the deed or finish. Maybe she secretly wants to be taken firmly, that would explain the lingerie, some women like to be taken. Soreness can be related to lack of natural lubrication so try some coconut oil. As far as other activities, try having her strip or play with herself while you masturbate or anal sex or but crack or tit sex. Just some things we've tried. Hope this helps.

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post #25 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 01:48 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

It looks like she wears the sexy lingerie for herself. It makes her feel feminine and the bonus is that you compliment her. So, since she isn't wearing it for you - pay her no mind. It's not like you're going to get some anyway. I'd be tempted to turn the heat way down.
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post #26 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 01:56 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Alex, yes that's it. For some the goal is to be desired and admired, that's it. The goal is not sex or even sexual, really.

But for those who live this way like your wife and the OPs wife...they get a lot of pleasure out of being desired and admired...as much or more as having sex or other physical pleasure.

I've read stories written by wives about husbands who are the same way.

Uhthred, your wife has no clue that her actions come across this way to you. She is simply following her own path. You pose no challenge to the way she travels down her path so she has worn a groove into the earth by repetition.

And while you wonder and ponder about what all of this "means", she goes along on her path, continuing to wear a groove into the earth, giving zero thoughts to the subject you are tortured by. You think there must be some thought behind her actions....because they are so baffling...but there aren't. She's just stuck in that groove walking in a circle, but in no way is she unhappy. She doesn't understand why you are so unhappy about this thing. She is happy and has no need for more. She's confused by your occasional outbursts when you express dissatisfaction.

You have loved her as she is for all this time. Why would she understand that you actually haven't been happy? It doesn't make sense. You are good to her and you love her and act like you are happy. When you occasionally tell her you aren't happy she feels betrayed because you normally act like everything is fine.


Stop trying to figure her out and instead figure out why you act like you are happy when you aren't. Figure out why not rocking the boat is more important to you than your intimate life. It's about you. Trying to figure her out is just your minds way of keeping you on your own worn groove in the earth.

One of your best posts!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #27 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 02:08 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
It looks like she wears the sexy lingerie for herself. It makes her feel feminine and the bonus is that you compliment her. So, since she isn't wearing it for you - pay her no mind. It's not like you're going to get some anyway. I'd be tempted to turn the heat way down.
While I like Faithful Wife and Anon Pink's sharing and explanations, I think this also has merit as long as it doesn't come to a passive-aggressive tool of vengeful "tit-for-tat".

It's hard to be open to the hurt we feel in a way that doesn't attack the other when we release it, yet we continue to shore it up many ways. Often that hurt is a self-perception of things our mind isn't ready to understand at the time, and "ready" comes from the patience to place all the pieces in the open so they are taken at true value and not some shadowed frustration that seeds inaccurate hurt, again, that shores up the accurate hurt that is valid and troubling.

Blondilocks can correct me if I am wrong in her outcome, but to me the recommendation of turning it down a bit will give you and your wife the room to be patient while you review the how's and why's offered by the others I mentioned in their very informative and thoughtful postings.
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post #28 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 02:16 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

You're being abused. Torture would be just as apt a description. Imagine throwing a tennis ball and telling your dog to go fetch it. You throw the ball, the dog turns and runs after it. After a second, the dog stops because it doesn't see the ball or hear where it landed. Little does it realize that the ball never left your hand. She wears sexy lingerie to get you worked up, and then suggests sex later, but always shuts you down with excuses. Are you the assertive type? Why do you give her all the power? This is not a healthy dynamic, not for you anyway, because you're letting her call all the shots. Next time she suggests sex later that night, drop everything, take her hand or lift her up, and carry her to the bedroom. See what she says.
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post #29 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 02:39 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Stop admiring her and paying attention when she galavants around in her teddies. Quit telling her she looks pretty. Ignore the fvck out of her and see what happens.
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post #30 of 198 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 02:42 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

@EmergingBuddhist, I was literally talking about the heat in the house - the furnace. Sexy lingerie does not keep a lady warm. It was a little passive/aggressive ploy that could entice her to snuggle up to him for body warmth. If not, at least she'll be freezing her tatas off.
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