The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 03:07 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
@EmergingBuddhist, I was literally talking about the heat in the house - the furnace. Sexy lingerie does not keep a lady warm. It was a little passive/aggressive ploy that could entice her to snuggle up to him for body warmth. If not, at least she'll be freezing her tatas off.


That's me... overthinking what you say!

I literally stumbled over that one...

Your explanation is crystal clear now, but not sure that pass/aggress approach would play to his favor.
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post #32 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 03:19 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Probably not. But, as it is he's sitting at the children's table when it comes to sex. He doesn't have much to lose except a bad hand-job.
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post #33 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 03:24 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Probably not. But, as it is he's sitting at the children's table when it comes to sex. He doesn't have much to lose except a bad hand-job.
I fear he could end up eating off the floor if he is not mindful about this...
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post #34 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 03:49 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Take those ego kibbles away from her and see what she does.
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post #35 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 04:59 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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@EmergingBuddhist, I was literally talking about the heat in the house - the furnace. Sexy lingerie does not keep a lady warm. It was a little passive/aggressive ploy that could entice her to snuggle up to him for body warmth. If not, at least she'll be freezing her tatas off.
That's what I would do. IMO, the tease of the sexy slips or whatever she's wearing seems frustrating to you. If she must wear sweaters and pants in a cooler house, it might give you some breathing room.
It will also give you a clue as to whether the tease is intentional or subconscious, as she will have to go out of her way to do so.

I don't know if it will be even possible for you to (literally speaking) cool your house down, given your area and climate. If not, you might have do that figuratively, and make yourself scarce when she would normally be sexy nightie-ing around the house. If it was for you, she will change her timing.

Normally, i'd advise you to just ask her. but, in your case i think you will have to observe her instead.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #36 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 05:25 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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I'm sure she doesn't want to be "taken". I've started in that direction and she has made it clear she wants me to stop.

(if she has a rape fantasy, then she would have to tell me. No way I'm going to force against her wishes if she tells me to stop, unless there are pre-arranged safe words etc).

The funny thing is that in the past she did like a bit of that sort of play, including being tied up, but she lost interest in that long ago.
Maybe she wants to see you pleasure yourself in front of her when in lingerie, try it and she if it turns her on or if she feels guilty about it and reconsiders her actions. Push the limits, shake things up a little, what do you have to lose

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post #37 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 06:56 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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She no longer wants PIV because its uncomfortable. Long ago it was also uncomfortable but when our sex life became more frequent, it did become comfortable and enjoyable. I've suggested frequently using small toys to get her comfortable with penetration again, and she agreed it would probably work, but doesn't act on it.

Occasionally (few x / year) she really wants PIV, but it makes her sore. There is one position that sometimes works for her, but is very awkward for me. I do it as long as I can.
Women reach sexual maturity between 50 & 60 according to some research, so the average woman should really be able to enjoy sex. Your wife on the other hand is experiencing pain and discomfort, which is not normal. While I do not know, I'm guessing she may have a fibroid tumor in or near her cervical area making sexual activity soar. This may explain why a certain position, that perhaps avoids a problematic area caused by a fibroid would still be enjoyable for her.

Read this Myoma (Fibroids) & Painful Intercourse

Hope that helps...

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post #38 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 11:47 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by spotthedeaddog View Post
Very common given her age, things aren't really design to keep working past "reproductive age", so hormones that keep things ready for PIV tend to drop off. You'll need to use a bit of lube and also can't just pound away like teenagers cause the tissues that work that kind of thing aren't fit for it anymore.
HEY! 64 here, and things are working just fine thank you.

I love sex as much as I always have, and O's are even better than in my 50's.

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post #39 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Yes, she does have fibroids and that could easily be part of the problem, but its only part. She has had them for many years and during the time when sex was more common, she found it comfortable. Its possible that they have moved to a worse position, but on average they have been shrinking

I think the fibroids do limit the positions that are comfortable. I think there is also an issue with sex being rare and that making things uncomfortable as well. She is aware oft he fibroid problem, but she doesn't think that is the main issue.

I don't think fibroid are the main problem, she had a very limited interest in sex long ago before she had them.

I don't in any way pressure her for PIV since I know its uncomfortable. We only do it how and when she wants. While I enjoy PIV, I'm happy to do without, I don't want her doing things that hurt her. This problem combined with her lack of interest in anything else though makes things more difficult.




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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Women reach sexual maturity between 50 & 60 according to some research, so the average woman should really be able to enjoy sex. Your wife on the other hand is experiencing pain and discomfort, which is not normal. While I do not know, I'm guessing she may have a fibroid tumor in or near her cervical area making sexual activity soar. This may explain why a certain position, that perhaps avoids a problematic area caused by a fibroid would still be enjoyable for her.

Read this Myoma (Fibroids) & Painful Intercourse

Hope that helps...

Badsanta
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post #40 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

To answer your last question: yes. I've given it careful thought and I'd rather stay with her with a limited sex life than leave her to get a good sex life. Sex is important, but so are other things.

Really I'm just sort of griping, and also just curious for insight on other parts of her behavior.

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She does these things because she has some dysfunctions. I think the question isn't as much why, but more: is there is any way for you two to have a mutually enriching and fulfilling and complete relationship?

From what you have shared, it doesn't sound like there are (negatively impacting) behaviors of yours that you could change to have a positive change on her attitudes.

Are you prepared to stay in this relationship for the rest of your life?
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post #41 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I agree that "control" is a significant part. Maybe its the main part. Maybe she has decided that the frequency of sex and the specific acts are "right" and she is exerting her control not to be deviated from that?

Its consistent.

It doesn't explain the teasing, but it does seem to match other things quite well.

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Originally Posted by alexm View Post
Short answer - it's a control thing for her. Maybe completely subconsciously. She WANTS you to want her, but often, that's enough for her. BJ's are 'abusive', but not on your birthday, because it's her choice to do so. She'll wear enticing lingerie frequently, but it doesn't mean she's in the mood - she wants you to pay her some attention.

.
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post #42 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Accurate and true.
I did at one point tell her very clearly that I was unhappy, why I was unhappy and what I wanted. She mostly just got angry and said that what I wanted was unreasonable. That I was like a spoiled kid who complained when he didn't get dessert all the time.

After she apologized for getting angry, and said she would try to improve things - except she was angry that I had asked for more frequent BJs, thats when she told me they were abusive (she had never hinted at that before). Nothing changed.

So, I can let her know I'm not happy. She will be unhappy. That will make me more unhappy, but our sex life will not improve.

Or, I can let things go as they are, she will be happy, I'll be unhappy, but not as unhappy as I am when when she is also unhappy. Our sex life will not improve.

Or, I can leave, but other things are fine, and its not worth it to me to leave just to get sex.

I might get sex by threatening to leave, but sex under threat is not what I want.





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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Alex, yes that's it. For some the goal is to be desired and admired, that's it. The goal is not sex or even sexual, really.

But for those who live this way like your wife and the OPs wife...they get a lot of pleasure out of being desired and admired...as much or more as having sex or other physical pleasure.

I've read stories written by wives about husbands who are the same way.

Uhthred, your wife has no clue that her actions come across this way to you. She is simply following her own path. You pose no challenge to the way she travels down her path so she has worn a groove into the earth by repetition.

And while you wonder and ponder about what all of this "means", she goes along on her path, continuing to wear a groove into the earth, giving zero thoughts to the subject you are tortured by. You think there must be some thought behind her actions....because they are so baffling...but there aren't. She's just stuck in that groove walking in a circle, but in no way is she unhappy. She doesn't understand why you are so unhappy about this thing. She is happy and has no need for more. She's confused by your occasional outbursts when you express dissatisfaction.

You have loved her as she is for all this time. Why would she understand that you actually haven't been happy? It doesn't make sense. You are good to her and you love her and act like you are happy. When you occasionally tell her you aren't happy she feels betrayed because you normally act like everything is fine.

Stop trying to figure her out and instead figure out why you act like you are happy when you aren't. Figure out why not rocking the boat is more important to you than your intimate life. It's about you. Trying to figure her out is just your minds way of keeping you on your own worn groove in the earth.
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post #43 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

That's an interesting question. I'm sure she will stop wearing lingerie if I tell her I want her to stop. Years ago I did tell her that. and she stopped - but its not clear that really helps.

It isn't actually frustrating anymore. I'm used to the idea that lingerie doesn't imply sex, so there really isn't any negative. OTOH I think she is wearing ever more enticing stuff because she isn't getting the reaction she wants? But why want me to lust after her, but not want sex? In any case its stopped working - nothing she wears makes me expect sex.


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It looks like she wears the sexy lingerie for herself. It makes her feel feminine and the bonus is that you compliment her. So, since she isn't wearing it for you - pay her no mind. It's not like you're going to get some anyway. I'd be tempted to turn the heat way down.
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post #44 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:32 AM
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post #45 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I have asked and she seems (or acts?) confused "I thought you liked to see me in XYZ...".

Its as if at some deep level she doesn't connect flirting and kisses / touching with sex.

She'll stop wearing those things if I ask.

She is quite capable of adjusting the thermostat herself, so physically cooling the house doesn't work.


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Originally Posted by sixty-eight View Post
That's what I would do. IMO, the tease of the sexy slips or whatever she's wearing seems frustrating to you. If she must wear sweaters and pants in a cooler house, it might give you some breathing room.
It will also give you a clue as to whether the tease is intentional or subconscious, as she will have to go out of her way to do so.

I don't know if it will be even possible for you to (literally speaking) cool your house down, given your area and climate. If not, you might have do that figuratively, and make yourself scarce when she would normally be sexy nightie-ing around the house. If it was for you, she will change her timing.

Normally, i'd advise you to just ask her. but, in your case i think you will have to observe her instead.
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