Accurate and true.
I did at one point tell her very clearly that I was unhappy, why I was unhappy and what I wanted. She mostly just got angry and said that what I wanted was unreasonable. That I was like a spoiled kid who complained when he didn't get dessert all the time.
After she apologized for getting angry, and said she would try to improve things - except she was angry that I had asked for more frequent BJs, thats when she told me they were abusive (she had never hinted at that before). Nothing changed.
So, I can let her know I'm not happy. She will be unhappy. That will make me more unhappy, but our sex life will not improve.
Or, I can let things go as they are, she will be happy, I'll be unhappy, but not as unhappy as I am when when she is also unhappy. Our sex life will not improve.
Or, I can leave, but other things are fine, and its not worth it to me to leave just to get sex.
I might get sex by threatening to leave, but sex under threat is not what I want.
Alex, yes that's it. For some the goal is to be desired and admired, that's it. The goal is not sex or even sexual, really.
But for those who live this way like your wife and the OPs wife...they get a lot of pleasure out of being desired and admired...as much or more as having sex or other physical pleasure.
I've read stories written by wives about husbands who are the same way.
Uhthred, your wife has no clue that her actions come across this way to you. She is simply following her own path. You pose no challenge to the way she travels down her path so she has worn a groove into the earth by repetition.
And while you wonder and ponder about what all of this "means", she goes along on her path, continuing to wear a groove into the earth, giving zero thoughts to the subject you are tortured by. You think there must be some thought behind her actions....because they are so baffling...but there aren't. She's just stuck in that groove walking in a circle, but in no way is she unhappy. She doesn't understand why you are so unhappy about this thing. She is happy and has no need for more. She's confused by your occasional outbursts when you express dissatisfaction.
You have loved her as she is for all this time. Why would she understand that you actually haven't been happy? It doesn't make sense. You are good to her and you love her and act like you are happy. When you occasionally tell her you aren't happy she feels betrayed because you normally act like everything is fine.
Stop trying to figure her out and instead figure out why you act like you are happy when you aren't. Figure out why not rocking the boat is more important to you than your intimate life. It's about you. Trying to figure her out is just your minds way of keeping you on your own worn groove in the earth.