The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life. - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 08:08 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

See bandit's post above.
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post #47 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Sort of tried this. Several months of not commenting on her appearance, not being affectionate. She did ask why but when I told her how difficult it was to be affectionate without a sex life, she just went back to her usual. apologies for why we couldn't have sex in each particular case (tired, sick etc). All valid excuses except she is never too tired or sick to do things she wants to do.

Overall result though was not change in sexual activity.

Its pretty clear she doesn't know herself why she doesn't want sex often. Separate from that, her idea of what are "normal" sexual activities are very limited. PIV hurts (OK we can skip thta). Oral is disgusting (I can't change how she feels about that). so she thinks that leaves HJs and she just doesn't want to even change how she does that.

I think the idea of being in "control" is very important. Somehow changing what she does sexually is losing control to her.

(CSA? I can't very well ask if she has a limited interest in sex because she was abused as a child, can I?).



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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Take those ego kibbles away from her and see what she does.
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post #48 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 11:55 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Yes, she does have fibroids and that could easily be part of the problem, but its only part. She has had them for many years and during the time when sex was more common, she found it comfortable. Its possible that they have moved to a worse position, but on average they have been shrinking.
If she has fibroids and has resigned herself to thinking that they will just "go away" all on their own, your wife is someone that avoids problems instead of actively addressing them. That behavior has likely created a dynamic with regards to any other things making sex problematic.

As her husband, it is ultimately your job now to care for her and to determine what is best for her. Odds are you can help her address problems for the purpose of improving her overall quality of life with complete disregard towards sex. What you will find is that if her health and quality of life improves, so does physical intimacy. The mantra to go by is that, "it is hard to feel good when you don't feel good!"

As for the fibroids, the symptoms can be wide ranging from irritability of her vaginal lining, to strong discomfort and soreness during or after sex. There are often a wide range of treatments available, particularly if you are past the age of being fertile and/or are no longer planning to have more children. Many doctors and women opt to endure the discomfort associated with fibroids in order to maintain fertility for as long as possible. In your marriage this mentality may not be what is in her best interest anymore.

If she will not talk to her doctor, then you should and see what options are available and recommended for your wife with consideration to her age and situation in life. Then talk to your wife and let her know you care about her!

Sincerely,
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post #49 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:43 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I just don't understand this. I don't understand why someone would want to live this way. I'm just here shaking my head....perplexed.
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post #50 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 01:26 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Richard, now that I know it's you, I want you to know I have great sympathy for you and the horrible position your marriage has created.

You seek answers in understanding your wife and I wonder why. What difference does it make to you or to her if you understand why her desire for sex is unalterable outside of action you refuse to take? Does knowing she may have uterine fibroids help you accept the lack of sex? If she has fibroids that make sex uncomfortable, why doesn't she see a doctor? You see it all keeps coming back to one unalterable truth. She sees no value in sex. Why, is anyone's guess. But everyone agrees there isn't a damn thing you can actually do to get her to value sex nearly as much as you do. Understanding her, appreciating her, loving her, complimenting her, spending time with her, hearing her, none of this will cause her to value sex. The only thing that might is to tell her you won't fight this sexless battle for the rest of your life and you are leaving. If she values you, she will seek ways to also value sex. If she doesn't value you enough, she will blame you for being selfish. You're not selfish.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

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post #51 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 01:30 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

AnonPink speaks the cold truth. Cold.
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post #52 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 02:19 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I probably wouldn't volunteer all of this if it hadn't turned out to be Richard's thread but I'm familiar with his posts and sympathize. I speak as a woman who has never seen any value in sex. Total, complete Zero. There's sex abuse in my history. I assume that's why I am the way I am but I don't know for certain because I never sought help -- nor, truthfully, wanted it. I was always comfortable the way I was and dismissed my husband's very rare complaints. My thinking was that he was a typical male who wanted sex 24/7.

Was that wrong all those decades I was married? Absolutely. Do I accept part of the blame -- and feel guilty -- because he became a serial cheater? Yes (although he may or may not have become a serial cheater regardless of my situation). Did I try? Yes. Was it enough? No. Do I wish I had been "normal"? No. I wish I could wish that -- but still no. All that's in hindsight (and well after my divorce). During my marriage I saw none of that. Unfortunately.

Women with very little interest in sex are under-represented on TAM. Men who post about wives who are low drive (or no drive) feel they're among the very few in that situation. But in my experience, in real life, that's not true. I'm far from unique and that's why I'm sharing my story.
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post #53 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 02:35 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Sexual incompatibility is a killer of marriages.
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post #54 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 02:41 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

This is a great post @Openminded. Though you must admit it's a tad ironic your screen name is Openminded while you admit to being unalterable wrt to sexual desire. I do hope you see the humor in there because I am not blaming you nor suggesting you were or are wrong to feel the way you do.

I wanted to highlight something you said though...

"Do I wish I had been "normal"? No. I wish I could wish that -- but still no."

Do you think the fear of sex and sexual desire (talking about sex, talking about what happened and how you felt bla bla bla) played a role in your decision to accept your lack of sexual desire and to not wish to be normal? I guess I'm wondering if the abuse not only killed your sexuality but also killed your bravery or courage (for lack of a better word) by generating such intense avoidance?



I sought to become normal because I wanted to be normal. My desire to be normal generated enough bravery to learn about the uncomfortable, but not enough bravery to be honest and open about what happened for another 10 years or so.



Quote:
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I probably wouldn't volunteer all of this if it hadn't turned out to be Richard's thread but I'm familiar with his posts and sympathize. I speak as a woman who has never seen any value in sex. Total, complete Zero. There's sex abuse in my history. I assume that's why I am the way I am but I don't know for certain because I never sought help -- nor, truthfully, wanted it. I was always comfortable the way I was and dismissed my husband's very rare complaints. My thinking was that he was a typical male who wanted sex 24/7.

Was that wrong all those decades I was married? Absolutely. Do I accept part of the blame -- and feel guilty -- because he became a serial cheater? Yes (although he may or may not have become a serial cheater regardless of my situation). Did I try? Yes. Was it enough? No. Do I wish I had been "normal"? No. I wish I could wish that -- but still no. All that's in hindsight (and well after my divorce). During my marriage I saw none of that. Unfortunately.

Women with very little interest in sex are under-represented on TAM. Men who post about wives who are low drive (or no drive) feel they're among the very few in that situation. But in my experience, in real life, that's not true. I'm far from unique and that's why I'm sharing my story.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #55 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 03:37 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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This is a great post @Openminded. Though you must admit it's a tad ironic your screen name is Openminded while you admit to being unalterable wrt to sexual desire. I do hope you see the humor in there because I am not blaming you nor suggesting you were or are wrong to feel the way you do.

I wanted to highlight something you said though...

"Do I wish I had been "normal"? No. I wish I could wish that -- but still no."

Do you think the fear of sex and sexual desire (talking about sex, talking about what happened and how you felt bla bla bla) played a role in your decision to accept your lack of sexual desire and to not wish to be normal? I guess I'm wondering if the abuse not only killed your sexuality but also killed your bravery or courage (for lack of a better word) by generating such intense avoidance?



I sought to become normal because I wanted to be normal. My desire to be normal generated enough bravery to learn about the uncomfortable, but not enough bravery to be honest and open about what happened for another 10 years or so.
Laughing. Yes, AP, I do see the irony in my name. In my defense, I grew up in an ultra-conservative Southern state and by comparison to the rest of my family I'm extremely open-minded in virtually every way (smiling).

I think part of the problem was that my mother wanted a tough, hard-as-nails, emotionless girl exactly like her and that's what she got. No vulnerablility. Ever. I absorbed my lessons well because I wanted very much to please my mother. Abuse most certainly contributed to who I am but my mother did too. There's something "key" missing in me and I've never cared enough to try to fix it.

I've always hated the idea of sex. It isn't fear. It's extreme dislike. And I guess I would say I think sex is beyond stupid. However, that's not to say that when called on to perform I wasn't capable of delivering porn-star sex so it wasn't that I was shy or embarrassed about it. Far from it. I still found the whole experience ridiculous. Orgasms at the speed of light -- but totally meaningless. Just something my body did that meant nothing. I can't connect at all emotionally (and don't wish to connect physically). I'm locked down. It's an even greater irony that until my divorce I was the ultimate caregiver (obviously more from a sense of duty than a true need).

You wanted to be normal. I have never wanted to be normal in any way. As a very small child I used to ask my mother over and over if she was totally positive I wasn't an alien. She said she was sure I wasn't. I never believed her.
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post #56 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:02 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

There is an awful lot of poor behaviour written about on TAM but this is a great example of one of the worst cases. Unless you wife has some sort of mental health issue it is hard to believe that she does not connect the dots between wearing lingerie around the house and sex.

This is seriously passive aggressive and plain old nasty. Look at me, look at me but do not touch me. Sorry RS but the whole thing sounds miserable and humiliating for you, why on Earth do you stay? I understand being able to live without sex even with a healthy sex drive but this is not about living with a lack of sex, this is about mental abuse by a spouse that really has very little regard for your happiness.
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post #57 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:08 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
I probably wouldn't volunteer all of this if it hadn't turned out to be Richard's thread but I'm familiar with his posts and sympathize. I speak as a woman who has never seen any value in sex. Total, complete Zero. There's sex abuse in my history. I assume that's why I am the way I am but I don't know for certain because I never sought help -- nor, truthfully, wanted it. I was always comfortable the way I was and dismissed my husband's very rare complaints. My thinking was that he was a typical male who wanted sex 24/7.

Was that wrong all those decades I was married? Absolutely. Do I accept part of the blame -- and feel guilty -- because he became a serial cheater? Yes (although he may or may not have become a serial cheater regardless of my situation). Did I try? Yes. Was it enough? No. Do I wish I had been "normal"? No. I wish I could wish that -- but still no. All that's in hindsight (and well after my divorce). During my marriage I saw none of that. Unfortunately.

Women with very little interest in sex are under-represented on TAM. Men who post about wives who are low drive (or no drive) feel they're among the very few in that situation. But in my experience, in real life, that's not true. I'm far from unique and that's why I'm sharing my story.
I am very much like you in my complete, lifelong disinterest in sex. One big difference between us is that it really bothered me that I wasn't "normal," starting in my teenage years, mostly because I felt that I was missing out on something big in life that other people enjoyed very much. I felt cheated that I felt no desire and that sex did nothing for me.

So when I became an adult and realized that my disinterest in sex gave all indications of being a lifelong condition, I sought therapy and medical advice for many years, to no avail. I'm completely normal as far as hormone levels go, and all other physical conditions. If any sexual abuse occurred in my life, it happened before the threshold of memory.

Women with very little interest in sex ARE under-represented on TAM, and pretty much everywhere else. Some women get handed this card in life and must deal with it as best they can. btw, I've met a few women in real life and MANY women online who suffer with the same problem.
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post #58 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:10 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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That's an interesting question. I'm sure she will stop wearing lingerie if I tell her I want her to stop. Years ago I did tell her that. and she stopped - but its not clear that really helps.

It isn't actually frustrating anymore. I'm used to the idea that lingerie doesn't imply sex, so there really isn't any negative. OTOH I think she is wearing ever more enticing stuff because she isn't getting the reaction she wants? But why want me to lust after her, but not want sex? In any case its stopped working - nothing she wears makes me expect sex.
She wants to know you want her because it makes her feel good and as long as you still want her physically, she can be reasonably assured you won't leave her.

She doesn't see lingerie as an annoying tease because she doesn't become aroused and need sex, so she thinks of wearing lingerie the same way she thinks of runway models dressing in lingerie. Just something pretty to wear and be seen in. Nothing more.

Have you actually said to her "Wife, it's bad enough that there isn't likely to be enthusiastic monkey sex, so could you please stop wearing clothes that imply you want enthusiastic monkey sex? It's false advertising and it's not fun."

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #59 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:16 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Sort of tried this. Several months of not commenting on her appearance, not being affectionate. She did ask why but when I told her how difficult it was to be affectionate without a sex life, she just went back to her usual. apologies for why we couldn't have sex in each particular case (tired, sick etc). All valid excuses except she is never too tired or sick to do things she wants to do.

Overall result though was not change in sexual activity.

Its pretty clear she doesn't know herself why she doesn't want sex often. Separate from that, her idea of what are "normal" sexual activities are very limited. PIV hurts (OK we can skip thta). Oral is disgusting (I can't change how she feels about that). so she thinks that leaves HJs and she just doesn't want to even change how she does that.

I think the idea of being in "control" is very important. Somehow changing what she does sexually is losing control to her.

(CSA? I can't very well ask if she has a limited interest in sex because she was abused as a child, can I?).
She sounds very much like my late wife. Everything mentioned above. And, like you, I stayed even though the sex was almost non existent. Because there is more to life than sex. Years later I regret it sometimes.

And, recently, I've come to believe she was abused as a child. And control was very important.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #60 of 200 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:18 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

That would require that he put his foot down, which he has been singularly unwilling to do.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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