I understand, but not sure how to apply. The root issues is that she doesn't want sex, or at least enjoys sex only rarely and a very limited set of activities. I can get into a situation where she does sexual things she doesn't like in return for me being nice to her in various ways, but that feels very transactional.
I also enjoy making her happy. Avoiding doing nice things for her until she "agrees" to have sex, just feels sort of mean.
She won't pickup hints. There have been times I've been less affectionate and she eventually asks why. When you keep in mind that she thinks our sex life is normal and good, I'm stuck with:
"I've stopped getting you flowers and giving you back rubs because you won't give me blowjobs". I just don't see any way that doesn't come across really badly.
(for "blowjobs", substitute any other sexual activity that she doesn't want to do).
She doesn't like doing these things, and nothing I can do will make her enjoy it. I don't think there is a way to "fix" this. The LD / ND people who have been generous enough to post here can probably comment on how they would feel.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate all the advice and suggestions. I just think its really difficult for people with normal sexual desire to understand how it feels to have no desire.
Look... first you're framing this wrong. You don't want "sex", you don't want "blow jobs", you don't want "anal". You want a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" with your wife. NEVER again frame it as "sex" because what you will get back is "all you want is sex!"
Second, explain that a "fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship" is important to the relationship... not to YOU.
Third, explain that a monogamous relationship with a spouse goes hand-in-hand with "forsaking all others". You can't ask for one of you don't provide the other.
Finally, don't look at these as trades. Your ability to provide for her needs (attention, moral support, non-sexual intimacy) is greatly diminished by not having your need for a "fulfilling intimate sexual relationship" with her. You can't have a one-way street.
But after all this, what do you do? If you're not ready yo (a) divorce, (b) open the marriage or (c) continue fighting this battle then you may as well just give up.