This still gets to the strange issue: She seems happy to do oral to get me off when she thinks she owes me - even though I've many times made it clear (and meant it) that its not a trade, she really doesn't have to take care of me. But, she is completely adverse to doing it if I ask, and has claimed it is gross and disgusting.
My wife is the exact same way about oral sex. She (claims to) hate it, yet does it as part of foreplay about 80% of the time. In the last month alone, I've received 2 BJ's to completion, which is more than I'd received in the entire past calendar year. The ruminator (thanks FW!) in me says that it was instead
of sex, which is where I had thought both encounters were headed. Each time, I told her I wanted to be inside her, yet she mumbled "nuh-uh" and kept going, quite enthusiastically, so I just went with it. Worth noting that each of those occasions, she had had an O prior to mine, so it wasn't one-sided.
So it's clear to me that my wife, in no way, shape or form, wants me to ask, hint or otherwise assume a BJ will occur at any time, including as foreplay. In the beginning of our relationship I made the rookie mistake of changing my body position during foreplay (as in moving my penis towards her mouth...) and it was not appreciated. I didn't know - up to that point, BJ's were consistently part of foreplay, so I made the assumption that this move was okay. For some people it is. I have no problem if a woman steers me in that direction.
So it's likely a control thing (there's that word again). Not once in ~8 years have I ever felt like my wife was hating giving me a BJ while doing so. Not once have I actually asked for one (hinted, yes - see above, but not out of the blue). But she's made it very clear, verbally, that she does not like doing it. It took her ~4 years to say this, and it was during an entirely different discussion. Why tell me this at all? Especially if you continue to do it, and do it seemingly enthusiastically (regardless of whether it's fake enthusiasm or not)? I mean, on one hand I appreciate the effort, if there really IS one. On the other, ruining the illusion that it's mutual (which I strongly believe oral sex is, but that's another discussion).
It all comes down to control, as it usually does with many, many people. In my example, she's happy to do it, provided I know that it's not something she wants to be doing. She's being a martyr. Look at me, doing this thing I hate for YOUR benefit.
I have a love/hate relationship with sex, which is a weird statement to make, but it's true. People complicate it SO much, when it's actually really very simple, IMO. This thread alone has proven that people complicate this subject to an un-ending degree. Having sex with the person you love is not complicated, and shouldn't BE complicated. It's such a base part of humans, and it's instinctual. You kiss, you hug, you hold hands, you have sex. All of those feel good, and make each other feel wanted, needed, desired - LOVED, and bring two people closer than is humanly possible. The rush of hormones during an encounter, never mind during an actual orgasm, is like a drug, literally. It just feels good, all around - provided you LET it. Yet there's this constant complication around it for so many - including myself.
Sometimes you just have to let go of the negative thought patterns. For me, worrying about whether my wife gave me oral to completion in order to avoid intercourse. Not my problem, and I have to remind myself of that. She wouldn't have done it if she wasn't receiving something in return, ie. my enjoyment.