The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 08:02 PM Thread Starter
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The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

I've posted bits of this before, but now a more complete story. My wife is LD, which is not so unusual, and I've resigned myself to a very limited sex life, but a number of things about her behavior seem inexplicable to me. At this point its really just curiosity.

We are in our 50s, married > 25 years. no children. Spend lots of time together and get along very well in general. Both are professionals and have no financial problems, illnesses, or really anything else wrong with our lives. We are generally very affectionate. Considering our ages, we are both reasonably fit and physically attractive.

She wants sexual activity infrequently, maybe every couple of weeks. When we have sex, she generally seems to enjoy it, seems to O (and claims to), and claims to have enjoyed it afterwards.

We long ago added toys to are sex life, and she now essentially always wants to have an O with a vibrator. I can give her an O by oral, but it takes a long time and she prefers quicker. I've offered her stand-alone Os, but she has only accepted once in 25 years.

There was a brief time years ago when our sex life got more frequent, after I let her know that I really wanted more. We had sex a couple of times a week including a variety of activities. During that time we had PIV often and also used toys, including some large ones that she enjoyed. She gave every impression of enjoying things. That gradually declined, picked up again briefly after I talked to her on 2 other occasions, but each time dropped away faster.

She no longer wants PIV because its uncomfortable. Long ago it was also uncomfortable but when our sex life became more frequent, it did become comfortable and enjoyable. I've suggested frequently using small toys to get her comfortable with penetration again, and she agreed it would probably work, but doesn't act on it.

Occasionally (few x / year) she really wants PIV, but it makes her sore. There is one position that sometimes works for her, but is very awkward for me. I do it as long as I can.

She used to give me BJs on my birthday. When I asked if she would do them more often she told me no, she thought they were horrible and abusive. I of course told her not to do them for my birthday anymore (she had shown no sign of being bothered before). Strangely she said "no, I'm happy to do it on your birthday, but only then". (????). I said no - I don't want to abuse my wife.

Now that PIV is almost always out, no BJs, all she can do is give me HJs. The problem is that quite frankly she isn't very good, and won't take any gentle suggestions or requests to change things. She then complains that I'm very slow to finish and her arm gets tired.

Every once in a while I can get her to try something new for me, she will say it was fun, but then never do it again (even if I ask). Back to the same HJs. (??) I am always willing and eager to do anything she wants in bed, and do my best to guess what she wants since she rarely says.

She rarely wants sex but every evening wears sexy lingerie around the house and appreciates my telling her how attractive she is in it, and appreciates hugs, kisses, etc. Recently she has been wearing the especially enticing stuff that normally implied an interest in sex that night, and has said we should get bed after dinner, but almost every time has been too tired when it was time. (??)

So: why complain that I'm slow to finish, but not want to do things she has previously said were fun that work better for me?

Why wear sexy lingerie around the house, but not want sex?

How can BJs be OK on my birthday, but absolutely disgusting and abusive at other times?

Why claim to, and appear to greatly enjoy sex, but always find excuses not to do so?

(and no, she won't answer these questions, or answers with a specific reason for a specific thing, not the general answer)
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post #2 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 10:34 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

No real answers to your questions(beyond guessing) however, it sounds like she is calling all the shots.
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post #3 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 10:43 PM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Occasionally (few x / year) she really wants PIV, but it makes her sore. There is one position that sometimes works for her, but is very awkward for me. I do it as long as I can.
Very common given her age, things aren't really design to keep working past "reproductive age", so hormones that keep things ready for PIV tend to drop off. You'll need to use a bit of lube and also can't just pound away like teenagers cause the tissues that work that kind of thing aren't fit for it anymore.
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post #4 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 12:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

We do use lube, and I'm very careful.

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Originally Posted by spotthedeaddog View Post
Very common given her age, things aren't really design to keep working past "reproductive age", so hormones that keep things ready for PIV tend to drop off. You'll need to use a bit of lube and also can't just pound away like teenagers cause the tissues that work that kind of thing aren't fit for it anymore.
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post #5 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 04:28 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Man I'm telling you thank God I'm not married. I mean I know exactly what you're going through. It just makes me sick to my stomach, and here you are a good guy you're doing everything right in life. And yet you have a spouse that is completely selfish and self absorb. either sounds like she is a narcissist or BPD. I mean how could someone be so mean, she knows no one else's going find out what's really going on in your sex life and judge her because it's your sex life between each other. She's out-of-control someone earlier yeah she's calling all the shots and frankly she is so selfish self-centered person. Doesn't she know how selfish she comes off. and then you describe her you know walk around with lingerie and all that and yet she's a fvcking nightmare it's like she's fvcking. OP this will never get better until you put your foot down, And stand up to this bully who is your wife there is no compromise whatsoever at least in your sex life she's the dictator...
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post #6 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 07:10 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

@uhtred, were you on TAM before the great password debacle under a different user name? Your description sounds very similar to @richardsharpe.

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post #7 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 07:39 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

She probably wanders around in lingerie because she needs your admiration and compliments, but still isn't interested in sex.

Good Lord! Has no one ever told this woman that BJ's are the opposite of abuse or degradation? In the case of BJ's, the giver has the power and the receiver is helpless under their spell. A woman skilled with her mouth can WTFPWN a man in minutes.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #8 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 07:52 AM
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She does these things because she has some dysfunctions. I think the question isn't as much why, but more: is there is any way for you two to have a mutually enriching and fulfilling and complete relationship?

From what you have shared, it doesn't sound like there are (negatively impacting) behaviors of yours that you could change to have a positive change on her attitudes.

Are you prepared to stay in this relationship for the rest of your life?
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post #9 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 08:10 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
She probably wanders around in lingerie because she needs your admiration and compliments, but still isn't interested in sex.

Good Lord! Has no one ever told this woman that BJ's are the opposite of abuse or degradation? In the case of BJ's, the giver has the power and the receiver is helpless under their spell. A woman skilled with her mouth can WTFPWN a man in minutes.
"WTFPWN"

Filed appropriately in my brain for some future moment, but not sure which one... LOL

That was too funny, @MJJEAN!

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post #10 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 08:37 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

She's vain, inconsiderate, lazy and selfish.


Sorry man
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post #11 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 08:48 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
"WTFPWN"

Filed appropriately in my brain for some future moment, but not sure which one... LOL

That was too funny, @MJJEAN!
Dusted that one off from my gaming days.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #12 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 09:16 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
1. She rarely wants sex but every evening wears sexy lingerie around the house and appreciates my telling her how attractive she is in it, and appreciates hugs, kisses, etc. Recently she has been wearing the especially enticing stuff that normally implied an interest in sex that night, and has said we should get bed after dinner, but almost every time has been too tired when it was time. (??)

2. So: why complain that I'm slow to finish, but not want to do things she has previously said were fun that work better for me?

3. Why wear sexy lingerie around the house, but not want sex?

4. How can BJs be OK on my birthday, but absolutely disgusting and abusive at other times?

5. Why claim to, and appear to greatly enjoy sex, but always find excuses not to do so?

6. (and no, she won't answer these questions, or answers with a specific reason for a specific thing, not the general answer)
I can only answer these questions from my own perspective. So here goes:

1. If I do this, I am begging to get railed, so her doing that strikes me as nothing but a mean tease.
2. I assume because she is selfish and VERY lazy.
3. See #1
4. Wow, if this is abuse, I've been enjoying abusive relationships my whole life. She really, truly doesn't care what you want at all.
5. She probably would be mortified to be lumped in as a woman that doesnt like sex. Maybe she doesn't though? So she puts on the airs to pretend she does, but when it comes down to gettin busy she turns into a boring dud.
6. Shame on her. All these years into marriage and refusing to answer specific questions from her husband. I would point exactly that out to her and then in turn ask her how she would feel if you refused to answer her specific question about things that were very important to her?

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #13 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post

So: why complain that I'm slow to finish, but not want to do things she has previously said were fun that work better for me?

Why wear sexy lingerie around the house, but not want sex?

How can BJs be OK on my birthday, but absolutely disgusting and abusive at other times?

Why claim to, and appear to greatly enjoy sex, but always find excuses not to do so?

(and no, she won't answer these questions, or answers with a specific reason for a specific thing, not the general answer)
Short answer - it's a control thing for her. Maybe completely subconsciously. She WANTS you to want her, but often, that's enough for her. BJ's are 'abusive', but not on your birthday, because it's her choice to do so. She'll wear enticing lingerie frequently, but it doesn't mean she's in the mood - she wants you to pay her some attention.

My wife is similar in many respects (and not just about sex). She DOES want me to want her, but it's almost as though that's all she wants.

A good example - a few weekends ago, I did not pursue sex with her on our scheduled/unscheduled day (ie the day sex is normally expected by both of us). I was tired, and not particularly in the mood, so I snuggled up with her in bed that night, and eventually fell asleep. The next morning, she woke me up to have sex. This never happens. I'd like to say that nonsexual intimacy the night before got her in the mood (and perhaps it did) but I know my wife quite well. This was more for her self esteem, IMO. I didn't pursue her the night before, and that doesn't sit well with her. This is not the first time I've either declined or otherwise 'rejected' her, and every time it's happened, it bothers her.

In other words, she reserves the right to decline or otherwise not be interested, but I'm not afforded the same courtesy. In other OTHER words, she wants to be in control.

When your wife wears lingerie around the house, she's expecting you to be interested, and as such, she can decline your advances when she pleases (which seems to be often). For many, simply being desired is the goal, and the physical interactions are unnecessary for their mental and emotional state. Again, I see this in my wife. Although the physical is enjoyed by her, it's not the ultimate goal. When I don't pay attention to her, she notices. I don't believe she's completely conscious of this, either.
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post #14 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 10:40 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

1. There is no truth to the belief that women weren't designed to want sex after childbear years.
2. It may be control but I think it has more to do with anxiety/shame combined with a lack of trust. I'm not suggesting you've somehow earned her lack of trust.
3. Responsive desire means I don't want sex unless I'm sexually aroused. First comes arousal, second comes desire to have sex. Without arousal, there is no desire to have sex.

Once I was fully in menopause, no more periods for at least 6 months, my near constant state of arousal, which fueled my very high sex drive, just disappeared. Now I very rarely experience spontaneous sexual arousal. However, because I had spent years in a state of constant sexual desire, I knew that my body would respond once things got started. This knowledge has allowed me to recognize that even though I'm not currently aroused, if my husband wants sex I never have the impulse to pull away because I know I willl get there.

It is that last sentence that I believe a lot of women don't fully understand. To trust that your husband will arouse your body and once your body is aroused your desire to have sex will happen. It's a trust in your body and a trust in your husband to consciously understand that to consent to having sex really means I consent for you to help me become aroused.

I wonder if your wife has considered this? Does she believe that even though she may not 'want sex' given proper time and willingness, you will arouse her and she will develop a desire.

One of the moderators, @Amplexor has posted a few times that during his reconciliation for his wife, who had one foot out the door and according to him was highly skeptical, he asked her to give him 3 months (I think it was 3) of her sexual submission. Not that he was going to dominate her or tie her up, he meant that she was to give him blanket consent to have sex whenever he wanted. He also assured her that he wouldn't be demanding, that the kind of sex they would have would be sex that that usually had, and that being in his 50's it was very unlikely he'd want sex more often than 2-3 times a week, usually 2. During that time period, they continued to work on their marriage. His wife saw first hand that when he wanted sex, and she wasn't "in the mood" but consented because of their deal, she always became aroused and always enjoyed sex. She learned that just didn't have to begin sex already aroused. She learned that trusting to her husband to make it good for her worked. Amp credits this deal as the corner stone of their successful reconciliation.

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post #15 of 195 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 10:40 AM
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Re: The strange case of Ms Uhtred's sex life.

Also, why is sex painful to her? Has she seen a doctor about this?

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