Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I have been married two years, but with my husband for thirteen. I have always had a high sex drive and have never shown any unwillingness. Since becoming pregnant, my husband no longer kisses, cuddles, has intercourse or looks at me. He says that there isn't a problem, but he has just started looking for porn on the internet and masturbating at night. I still feel as sexual as I did before I fell pregnant, but am starting to feel ugly, low and unloved now. I have tried to ask him about his feelings but he says that there is no problem and that he loves me. His actions don't match his words, and he doesn't seem to want to accept how it's making me feel. I still try to look after my appearance, and am aware of other peoples admiration, so I don't understand. Can anybody advise? I feel so lonely.
I have been married two years, but with my husband for thirteen. I have always had a high sex drive and have never shown any unwillingness. Since becoming pregnant, my husband no longer kisses, cuddles, has intercourse or looks at me. He says that there isn't a problem, but he has just started looking for porn on the internet and masturbating at night. I still feel as sexual as I did before I fell pregnant, but am starting to feel ugly, low and unloved now. I have tried to ask him about his feelings but he says that there is no problem and that he loves me. His actions don't match his words, and he doesn't seem to want to accept how it's making me feel. I still try to look after my appearance, and am aware of other peoples admiration, so I don't understand. Can anybody advise? I feel so lonely.
Im so sorry for you. I dealt with porn in my marriage and the contradiction of them saying they still think you look great, but then never touching you, is just miserable.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. It's very kind of you. Sadly, my husband says he is "Too embarressed about what he has done." That leaves me nowhere really. Perhaps I could try to understand if he was just straight with me.
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Re: No love in pregnancy
There may be multiple issues here.
Some husband will withdraw sexually when their wife is pregnant for a couple of reasons. One there may be a fear that the act of sex will hurt the baby. Or that if you climax during sex it may trigger contractions. This can bring on labor and a premature child or miscarriage. Some men will say the right thing. “Honey, you’ve never looked so beautiful” but in reality they are not attracted to their wives because of her physically changes. Some times a wife gets so much attention from family and friends the husband feels left out and withdraws. Your husband could be facing any of these issues and may not be aware of why he is reacting this way. Try to talk to him about the reasons why he has sexually withdrawn, but try and understand his reasoning if he tells you something that hurts your feelings. On the porn, if its usage hurts you, he needs to stop. Make it clear to him how it makes you feel. Address this now before it becomes a habit that is more difficult to overcome down the road. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.
Have you had a heart to heart talk with him? You should be straight up and ask him, "what about me does not turn you on?" "Why wont you have sex with me?" But you need to let him know and be willing to receive any response from him. The truth may hurt, but its better knowing what it is than not. I just had my baby about a month ago. Once I hit the 5 month mark, when my belly started showing, I did feel very self conscious. I didnt gain any weight other than on my belly. I started getting the dark line and my belly button was starting to stick out. My husband was being honest and told me that he did not like the dark line on my belly and that my belly button looked like an a$$$$$$. It hurt, because I have no control over my body during pregnancy, but I was told and know that the line will disapear and its common for women to have that. Also my hubby reminds me that he loves me and that he knows that I will get my figure back. Another thing he hated was the ankles and my feet. During the last months of my pregnancy, my feet were swollen. They looked like tree trunks. Now I look normal, still have the pooch and the dark line but its fading week by week. The last couple of months we had sex once every two weeks, but it was uncomfortable for me. I know my hubby didnt like it but I had a huge belly in between us. And of course my son didnt like it, I felt him move around too.
Just know that this is temporary and you should be greatful that he loves you regardless. Pregnancy hormones are an emotional roller coaster ride. So dont feel bad if you are emotional. Be prepared and let your hubby know if you are sad or depressed. Yeah he may look at porn and masturbate, but maybe he is afraid of hurting you and the baby. At least he is doing it at home and not with someone else. Men for some odd reason need to get theirs at least weekly. You should really talk to him, but also be willing to listen to see where he is coming from. Shoot 13 years is a long time, and I am sure you both can talk things through to be together for that long.
Oh, if only it were that simple.... He is fully aware that because I have had no complications in my 20 weeks of pregnancy, that it is perfectly safe for us to have sex, and I really want to! It has heightened my drive, if anything! I have no lines on my belly, no swollen legs, nothing has changed but a bump and a slightly bigger bottom, (he likes round bums anyway!) This is my second child, so he is fully aware of everything parenting and pregnancy entails, so it is not worry that has affected him. I have approached him, but he will not talk to me about what has happened, other than that he repeatedly says sorry. Sorry would be ok, but I have no cuddles, no kisses, no affection of any kind. My sadness is beginning to turn to anger, because I don't understand why I should feel this alone. This New Years Eve, at a party, he was drunk and chatty to everyone, but ignored me sitting beside him. I felt a real gooseberry! The issue of Porn would not hurt me if we were sharing it together, it is the secrecy. His mate gave him a website to look at, and 1 or 2 views out of curiousity would be one thing, but I found a very large amount of listings, along with boy seeking girl personal ads. Now, if our sexual contact did ever resume, I will wonder who he is thinking of because in my day to day existence he is not thinking about me at all. If I do turn him off by being pregnant, I wish that he would just be honest and say so. However, if there is still love in our relationship, am I being unreasonable to expect a kiss & cuddle?, after all... I'm still me and it is our child, doesn't that count for something?
I just want to thank 'Everyone' who has responded to my posting. It gives me hope that somehow I can find an end to my concerns and hopefully I'll be able to give somebody else some helpful advice in future as a result. In the meantime, any ideas or insights are gratefully received.
Hi Flutter... I feel so much for you, as I was kind of in the same boat during my pregnancy. It wasn't exactly the same for me though, he did give me hugs and rubbed my feet, and kissed me (mostly on the cheek haha) But, we had very little sex. I got HUGE! LOL... the problem with me was, I had a lot of amniotic fluid, and my belly was way distended, and also I was carrying a ton of excess fluid everywhere else in my body. I am convinced I had gestational diabetes, although my ob/gyn tested me and said no.... But my son, when I was induced at 39 weeks, was born 9 pounds 2.5 ounces, and was 21 1/2 inches long... he was big! Although, I do have big babies, my daughter who is 11 now was 8lbs 8oz 21 inches... and I didn't gain that much weight with her. Anyway, back to the subject..
Being denied love, and sex, can start to make you feel so horrible, ugly, fat, worthless, and then the anger and resentment comes. I know what you are going through. I used to get so mad at my hubby, and I am not the type to keep it in, so I would get pissed at him and flat out tell him he was ruining our relationship by ignoring me sexually. He would swear up and down that it wasn't because I was huge and pregnant, but it was pretty obvious. After I had the baby, I slimmed down, way too fast, had lost 40 pounds by the time my son was only 2 weeks old and then all 60 pounds by the time he was 3 months old, that tells you how much water I was retaining, and then I gained about 20 pounds of the weight back (I gained 60 pounds , mostly fluid, during my pregnancy, way too much) ... Anyway, we do have sex now, but not Near enough to satisfy me, I'm 34, and at my peak so to speak, but he is 44, and does have a low Testosterone count, so I can't be totally mad at him, all the time, cause I realize his sex drive is low in general. He is very good to me, and would never tell me I look bad, or that he's not attracted to me. But I feel that is how he sees me.
In your situation, the porn would upset me. My hubby used to look at porn a Lot when we were dating (the sex was pretty good then, but I was much thinner too), but I found that he was looking at it every morning. He said, that he knew it was silly, but that it was mostly a habit. Well, long story short, I told him No way Jose... no more. I told him it would, and could, damage the way he sees sex, and me, and his ability to get aroused and climax. They basically become desensitized and just plain loving sex isn't good enough anymore, they want the "money shot" I dont' mind porn, if we watch it together, but I told him to cut it out, or I'd hit the road. he did... I check the computer. and I know he doesn't do it at work, as he is a Vice Principal at a middle school, and things like that are strictly prohibited, and blocked anyway.
The other reason, is that once we were married, his step-daughter, my daughter, who is 11 , might very well accidentally run into that crap while on the computer, even though I supervise her while she's on, he agreed that that would be awful and has not looked at it in a long time. Anyway, I'm making this too long, sorry.
You said you have seen personals ads , searches. That would concern me, I am not trying to upset you, but if he's looking for other women, that's a Huge no no.... I personally would gently ask him about this, and ask if he's so turned off by you , that he'd actually cheat. Ignoring you at the party, and completely ignoring the fact that you're still his woman, his love, and carrying his child, is a hurtful, damaging thing to do. I have been exactly where you are, really mad and angry, at having to be forced into lonliness, and then feeling humiliated when you're turned down, or when your hubby looks at other women, but not you. It could be, that he's truly freaked out by your pregnant body this time, and he just can't get in to it. Doesn't make it right, but I hope that is all it is. Please sit him down, and have a heart to heart with him. Even if he doesn't want to have sex, he shouldn't be totally ignoring your emotional, and love needs. Everyone needs a hug and kiss now and then. And he should be rubbing your feet, hands, and anything else you want him to! You're pregnant, you deserve to be pampered by him! Not to mention, that pregnancy heightens all your hormones and thus your emotions flare and go from one extreme to another. You're at a very vulnerable time in your life, emotionally. And there is no physical reason you can't have sex, as long as your pregnancy is not high risk. At least that's what my docs have always told me.
Flutter, you deserve to be loved, especially now, when you have the life you two created growing inside you. You need to sit him down, and make him realize what he's doing to you, your heart, and your relationship. I will tell you this, it took me a Long time, to get past the anger I had built up for my hubby during my pregnancy. I eventually did forgive him, but to this day, I look back, and it still hurts. And the fact that our sex life is less than optimum is something I struggle with everyday. But, we are best friends, he is funny, smart, loving,, kind, we get along so well, in every way. This is why I try to look past the sex issue when i can, but it still gets to me. When we do have sex, it's great, and we both enjoy it, it's just not happening very often. So, I know what you're feeling, and I know how low and sad, it can make you feel. Hang in there, and talk seriously to your hubby, heart to heart. Lay it all out. And see how he takes it. Holding it in won't help you, or him. I will be thinking of you, and I hope this works out, and you can reconnect with him. blessings... please update me if you get a chance.
The first kid I was nervous to have sex with my wife, I did not want to hurt the baby, I knew she would have morning sickness, and I did not want to hurt her, etc.
By the third Kid, I was all over her and thought she was sexier then ever pregnant, I've come to thing pregnant women are very sexy.
Even a turn on for me now. weird huh?
Anyway, talk with him, and take control, tell him you want it, and you want it now....show him how horny you are, he will learn to like it.
Men go through a wide range of emotions when wives are pregnant, they have to compete for attention and feel they are losing your attention.
I avoided your thread because I did not want to repeat the same thing I have said in every other thread. But here goes:
You need to stop him ejaculating to porn. It's not the porn that's the problem so much as the ejaculation. If he were to forbid himself from solo ejaculations, he would get so horny, he would want sex with you, as his only sexual outlet. Men's orgasms are not like women's. After a man comes, he is completely satisfied until he builds up horniness again. Even though most men can get another erection after half an hour, the urgency is not there, for up to half a day to 2 days depending on age etc.
If he does not want sex, he could still pleasure you with his fingers. If he can't do that, he has other issues. You need to keep talking with him. Don't be fobbed of with silence.
Bottom line:
Men who use up all their drive on solo ejaculations and don't give their wives sex are useless husbands.
At the very least this site has made me smile to think that there are kind, sensitive people out there. I was beginning to imagine that the world had turned sour! I know that in the great scheme of things there is more to worry about, but I am a naturally attentive and affectionate person, and feel a lot of pain when it isn't reciprocated. Once again, thank you for all the great advice. Pregnant women ARE beautiful, you're right! I will leave a post here so that you all know how things develop. x
Well, I think it goes a bit deeper than that. This is their second child together so it's not all that new to him. Or shouldn't be. I feel for this girl. pregnancy is a wonderful, hard, confusing, amazing, perfectly lovely thing... and it's a time when women need to know more than ever, that they are loved and desired, no matter what they look like. There is a part of me, that still hurts, to know that my husband was so turned off by my appearnce during my last pregnancy, which was difficult for me. But, alas, he can't help the way he feels either... so, I forgive him, and try to move on.... :-)
Well, with our son in the house, it wasn't easy to talk to him when he got home from work today, I had to carefully pick a moment. I have started the ball rolling... He has denied being with someone else, and insists that he still loves me. I will have to trust him on that, but I have warned him that there is going to be NO porn, (unless we enjoy it together) and NO masterbation (unless we enjoy it together). He has agreed to that too, so I will have to wait and see if he sticks to it. As a gesture, I have bought some Sex toys etc and plan to get a babysitter to surprise him. As for the Pearl Necklace comment... It made me laugh, as it isn't possible to entice someone with that, they have to be willing participants. I just really hope he lives up to his promise of being more attentive to me and that he doesn't relapse. I have explained everything to him and told him that no matter whether it's good or bad, he must be honest with me. So, that's all I can do... The rest is up to him.
Thank you all for your comments & suggestions, I have taken heed of all of them. It is so much easier to see the sense in other's troubles than it is to look objectively at your own. I'm so pleased to have found this site. You've each made a sad girl smile. xx
Flutter, sounds good! You have made a real effort to get him to see that you need him. I hope he doesn't relapse either. Only time will tell! Your ideas for toys and babysitter are good ones! Let us know how things are going. Take care!
No love in pregnancy 
Re: No love in pregnancy 
