FurryFluffy

Hi everyone, need some advice here

I'm a 30yo woman, and I've been married for 4 years. Overall, he's a good husband, except for sex.

back when we were dating, sex was hot and spontaneous. after 2 years of marriage, the passion was suddenly going under the floor.Problem is, I love my husband and he's such a turn on for me.

In the last year (2011), we only had sex 2 times, each 4-6 months apart. I'm depressed because I think I do everything in my power to keep his interest in me stays on the track. I go to gym, I keep my appearance on tabs and we have plenty of times together since we both working from home and we're without children.

I don't see anyone else, and I'm not getting off about having an affair or 'get it done' with another man. So I initiated a bit. I wanted to spice up this sex life with him.

I talked about costumes and role playing with him, just to have him frowned and saying that he wasn't into those things. Ok, checked. So on a fortunate night [or unfortunate] when we finally got it in the groove, I asked him to play this game: 'name 5 things you love the most about us having a romantic moment'.
I let myself got carried away, and I started talking dirty [without f word, s word, whatever word, just hot talking], ended up he resenting me, couldn't get the intercourse done, let alone the big O.

I feel stupid, naked, idiot, and cheap. I now can't stand the fact that I actually let him to have sex with me; I can't stand the fact that I'm his wife; I can't stand to be touched by him, etc.

Should I file for divorce? We have no kids after all and the dogs surely come with me.

help?thank you everyone

bellamaxjoy

Have you just tried asking him if he would consider sex more often? Have you told him you need to have sex more than a couple times a year, and that it is important to you. I recently quit, "beating around the bush" with my husband, and just said, this is really important to me, we need more intimacy. Maybe try that?

deejov

How is he getting his needs met? Do you know?

In other words.. does he really have zero sex drive (and why, and what is he doing about it) or is he getting "off" some other way \ person?

Everyone will scream that this is not normal for a guy to go 6 months. And they are probably right.

Whatever is going on.. it shouldn't be acceptable to just not have sex for months at a time. Find out why.

FurryFluffy

I already did. I already asked him what's wrong with us, with him, and with me; so we both can find solution together. But he said that nothing was wrong; that he was just tired (aw come on, constantly being tired for the whole year?)

I also said that this sex thing is not only about the physical, that I want to feel close. Even we're always together, it doesn't mean we do the talking. Yes we talk, but mostly it's about work since we both work in the same field, or the dogs, or 'what's for dinner' thing; then go to bed like it's the same routine.

Im hitting a wall here

FurryFluffy

This crossed my mind once. Did he get it somewhere else? But come to think of it, it's highly unlikely. He stays at home most of the time, and if he goes somewhere he'd ask for me to go with him. We're like having this 24/7 together life. If it's about social life, it is I who have friends to hang out for a coffee etc. He doesn't. He meets people for work or for church-thing.

Sometimes, I wish that he'd come to me one day, telling me that he's gay (I don't mind at all, really. I have lots of gay friends, and they're nice persons). But he doesn't show the signs.

And about getting off on porn (that's the easiest explanation), again, it's me the porn 'expert'.

i find my problem is so frustrating because i dont know the 5Ws and that H

deejov

Stop being so nice?
Express your needs, and boundaries. If it is unacceptable to you... tell him so.
Give him specific solutions. Go see a doctor. Go see a counsellor.

Go on date nights on a regular basis. Schedule it. Tell him what you want, specifically. Twice a week, once a month, or whatever.
Tell him you want "date nights" every Saturday. Have a nap during the day, forego housework, get a housecleaner.

Start being more physically initimate without having sex. Flirting, etc.

PHTlump

If an affair is ruled out, he may have a medical condition that has lowered his libido. You should get him to the doctor to rule that out. If you think he will balk, just get him in for a physical and call the doctor yourself and tell him your concerns and ask him to consider them during the exam.

If there is no physical condition, then you may need to implement the thermostat approach. You are the hot spouse and your husband is the cold spouse. Your husband is comfortable with the current temperature in the marriage. If you lower your temperature, then he will have to raise his in order to keep the equilibrium he wants.

So stop doing things for him. Start to match his effort in your marriage. If you are meeting his needs by being his companion, but he's not meeting your needs sexually, stop meeting his needs. Stop inviting him with you when you're going out. Stop going with him when he's going out. Destabilize your relationship a bit to knock him into action.

FurryFluffy

that's why i name the thread 'spice-up-your-marriage-and-sex-life' tips that are USELESS for me :|

I already tried several 'methods'; nice way, angry way, frisky way, the only thing I haven't tried was maybe pointing a gun at him.

We don't get a nap, our small business is growing, and we have a house cleaner coming every day.I already asked him to seek a professional help, but since we are Asians and we live in South East Asia, sex isn't the thing you want to go forward and talk about it with strangers.

About leisure time, we have it on regular basis; we'd go to the spa but then again, we'd just sit and talk about nothing but work (yay?)

pretty confusing --;;

deejov

FurryFluffy

Worth trying. Let's see where this leads to

FurryFluffy

Because :
1. I can't stand it anymore; it's a dead end with no way out except stepping back.
2. I love him, hence, maybe, just maybe, the reason of he couldn't function is me. maybe he'd function well with someone else. who knows? it's not im going to let him missing his life, right?he's 28 fgs..

Enchantment

Is your husband able to perform sexually when you do have intercourse? You seemed to suggest that he may have issues there, so could he have ED or severe performance anxiety issues?

In either case, a check with the doctor would be a good first step, and sometimes using something like Viagra may work to help a guy get some of his mojo back if he had performance anxiety problems.

Do you think he's intimidated by your exuberance? Or he could be turned off if he thinks that women are not supposed to be the aggressor?

Here's the thermostat thread, if you haven't already read through it. It may be just the strategy that you need to try to get some kind of a reaction from him.

The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R

Best wishes.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

FurryFluffy

barely. sometimes he could get it right, but it's barely reach the middle of the game.
yes I did think that ED is the main problem, but i then noticed that he got it fine other than intercourse. I know that he's the nocturnal instead of the early morning erection type.

i dont want he gets his mojo back just because he takes the blue pill :|
I'd rather have a sexless marriage than having popping pills rite everytime I need my fuse 'repaired'.

This....well, so what am I suppose to do then? Enlight me :|

thanks Enchantment it's very kind of you will check it out asap

FurryFluffy

I just notice this line; well, the fact is he's pretty physically intimate with me without the erotic - touchy- feely thing.
He'd come to my station just to give me a bear hug or kiss my hair, but I feel like I'm not being a woman/wife. It feels like I'm a cuddly plush toy.

As for myself, no, I'm not the kind of giving free hug/kiss. Rarely initiate on this huggy thing as well.

wait..why do I feel like I'm the male here? 0_0

Grayson

ED meds like Viagra and Cialis don't increase desire or libido. They simply address the physical conditions of ED. That said, if his low drive/ED are connected psychological issues, the meds could indeed help resolve the issue as a whole...if they take care of the physical aspect, his subconscious can then take care of the mental aspect. Then...voila! His mojo is back, both physically and mentally, with the meds no longer necessary.

If he truly is "tired" all the time, though, it most definitely might be worth having his testosterone levels checked. Low libido, ED, fatigue and irritability are all symptoms of low testosterone.
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