I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-02-2011, 11:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

I'm posting because after a lot of browsing and searching I haven't found something quite like my situation, so hope to get some input from you guys. I don't know how to briefly set this up, but I'm going to try.

We have sex roughly once a month, have probably never gone more than 2 months without, and occasionally manage 2-3 times in a month. We both almost always reach orgasm, and I personally find sex consistently satisfying.

My libido is quite low, but has never been NOT low, not even in past relationships or on my own.

My husband is unhappy with the infrequent sex, specifically to the fact that he has to practically beg for it and wait and wait until I want it enough to say yes. I never initiate, and that bothers him. I want to pick up the sex and want to want it more--I don't want to have to set a reminder to initiate sex just because, unless there's some merit to that strategy. Personally, I'm satisfied with our frequency of sex, but I'm not happy that he's unsatisfied, unhappy, and feeling unwanted. (This is a new concept to me because until very recently I felt his sexual demands were unreasonable and selfish... probably concepts from how I was raised to think and previous, unhappy relationships.)

We're both overweight, and possibly due to his weight and fitness level, we only ever have sex with me on top. This makes me feel a little bitter and jealous that he always gets to "lay back and take it," which I want to be able to do sometimes. When he tries to be on top, it usually fails (his position keeps slipping and he starts to lay on me rather than just being over me) so we have to switch back to the usual position, so now I think he's insecure about branching out.

I noticed that often suggestions are made to "frustrated chumps" to make sure they do some non-sex-expecting touching and flirting to keep sexual tension up, and my husband does not do this. I do it to him because I think it's fun, but for whatever reason he does not do this to me and never really has. He gets involved in his solo hobbies during our free time together, so we don't connect much, especially not physically.

It's difficult for me to ask him to do more romantic things and take an interest in me even when sex isn't on his mind, because somehow I always botch it and he thinks I'm trying to fight, or says I'm "yelling" at him, and it never goes anywhere. I think he may be sensitive and even when I try to broach this gently it goes the wrong way. He thinks something is wrong with my libido and that I am trying to blame him for that.

If all I need to do to increase my libido is to "train" it by setting reminders and getting my lazy butt up and initiating sex, I might be able to do it. Granted, I can't get myself to go exercise so I'm not positive... But I DO feel insecure and unattractive and want my husband to pay physical attention to me without sex being right around the corner. If I start doing sex like a chore just to "train" my libido, won't he continue with his same patterns, and won't I start to resent him?

Honestly I can be very sensitive, defensive, and illogical at times, so I want to see what people think. How can I broach this topic with him without "picking a fight," and how much should I be changing the take:give ratio?

Lastly, we're both aware of the need to become more healthy and fit, and I'm sure it would make a marked difference in our sex life. The thing is, because of my depression issues, I think it could take a couple years before I'm a healthy and fit person, and that's if I work hard at it all the time and experience no setbacks. For that reason, I want to address my sex life now and not put it off until the weight/health issues are being managed.

Well, hopefully this post isn't a tl;dr and is coherent and detailed enough for people to get what I'm saying... I'm just looking for some outside (and safely anonymous) perspective and maybe some guidance. Thanks!
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

Have you had your hormone levels checked by a doctor? Are you on hormonal BC?
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Old 12-02-2011, 11:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

Good point. I am on a hormonal birth control and have been on hormonal birth control since I was around 15. I haven't had them checked. Have talked to doctors about my libido but that was never suggested. Perhaps if my health insurance is covered, I can do that.
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Old 12-03-2011, 12:39 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

This may sound cruel, but sounds like both of u should loose some weight, maybe try by cutting some carbs (grains mostly, but sugars as well)
Being in shape helps u feel sexy, nothing raises ur libido more than feeling sexy
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Old 12-03-2011, 10:21 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

You know, I think people are always surprised when they finally start to understand that desire for sex can be affected by many different things. Somehow, we are conditioned to just expect that our desire will always be plentiful and that sex will always be easy. But, like anything, it takes some commitment and dedication and practice.

As women, one of the biggest differences between us and men is that our hormonal profiles are totally different. Men have anywhere from 6 - 20 times more testosterone (the 'lust' hormone) that drives and literally compels them to desire sex. As women, we don't have the luxury of having that much of the hormone to help us out, so there usually needs to be other factors that will compel us. What do you think would compel you? Would it be to have a more emotionally attached relationship with your husband? Because, actually, engaging in sex more often with your husband could make that happen.

Here's a list of things for you to consider that could be impacting your desire. There are any number of physical things, emotional things, and relational things that can impact it.

Low sex drive in women: Causes - MayoClinic.com

Considering a switch to a non-hormonal birth control method might be a good start. So would embarking on a health 'kick' - doesn't have to be huge. Just start out slow and small - maybe even grab your H and take a walk together, holding hands every night.

Next, just set a time when you will try and initiate with your husband. Maybe it's every Saturday night. Try different positions - one of the best if you have some extra weight is to try 'spooning'. You can lay on your sides so no weight is on either of you. He can enter from behind and you can be positioned at an angle for best penetration. You can also experiment with him on top sex if you add additional pillows or support under your hips to provide a higher angle of entry.

I think you are wonderful for caring enough to try and seek solutions.

Best wishes.
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Old 12-03-2011, 11:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

Until you step up and get the sexual frequency to something resembling a reasonable level, you are positioning yourself as his enemy and creating resentment within your husband. It is unreasonable to expect that he is going to initiate loads of non-sexual touching with you while he's starved for sex. If you were starving for food, would you be content to fondle cake or smell ice cream? I'm not sure why your libido is low but despite your low libido, you did enter into a marriage, an institution which requires sexual intercourse. People who are afraid of horses aren't ideal candidates for jockeys and maybe shouldn't sign up to be one.
The good news is our feelings can change. We must justify each of our actions to ourselves. That means that every time you deny your husband, you reenforce the idea that you don't like sex. Every time you "make" yourself act sexual, you reenforce the idea that sex is a healthy, natural part of your marriage.
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Old 12-03-2011, 11:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

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Every time you "make" yourself act sexual, you reenforce the idea that sex is a healthy, natural part of your marriage.
Or, every time you "make" yourself act sexual, you reinforce the idea that it's something you have to force yourself to do and build more resentment that you "have" to do it.
YMMV
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Old 12-03-2011, 12:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

Thanks to Enchantment and unbelievable for the advice, and Sawney for the additional input.

As I suspected, it seems my perceptions of sex and relationships is off somehow. I'm guessing because of my background and past relationships.

I do want a more emotionally close and attentive relationship. So if my husband starts to feel his sexual needs are being satisfied and that our sex life is healthy, I'm willing to bet he'll be more receptive to what I want or at least my suggestions.

I'll definitely take the advice into account and work toward being more open to sex, initiating more. But I certainly won't make it out to be a chore, because that won't be helpful for anyone. Still gonna look into getting my hormone levels checked.

Thanks again for the honest advice!
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Old 12-03-2011, 12:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
Or, every time you "make" yourself act sexual, you reinforce the idea that it's something you have to force yourself to do and build more resentment that you "have" to do it.
YMMV
I suppose it all depends on where one wishes to focus responsibility. Nobody "makes" her be a wife. That is a choice she willingly made as an adult. A new mother has to feed her baby. That doesn't mean the baby "makes" her and it would be wrong of her to resent or blame the baby who never asked to be born. The baby didn't ask her to become a mother. That was the choice of the mother. The OP's husband didn't ask for a sex drive and he never agreed to enter into a sexless union. She's hardly a victim when she's expected to perform the bare minimum service expected of every spouse. This wasn't a surprise sprang upon her after her nuptials.
There is no legal requirement for all adult females to be married. If she wants to live a sexless existence, she is more than authorized to get a divorce and live a happy, celibate life. That's not what she's signed up for.
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Old 12-03-2011, 12:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

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I suppose it all depends on where one wishes to focus responsibility. Nobody "makes" her be a wife. That is a choice she willingly made as an adult. A new mother has to feed her baby. That doesn't mean the baby "makes" her and it would be wrong of her to resent or blame the baby who never asked to be born. The baby didn't ask her to become a mother. That was the choice of the mother. The OP's husband didn't ask for a sex drive and he never agreed to enter into a sexless union. She's hardly a victim when she's expected to perform the bare minimum service expected of every spouse. This wasn't a surprise sprang upon her after her nuptials.
There is no legal requirement for all adult females to be married. If she wants to live a sexless existence, she is more than authorized to get a divorce and live a happy, celibate life. That's not what she's signed up for.
Unbeliveable, your views on the responsibility of partners in marriage to have sex whether they feel like it or not are a matter of record here. I am not questioning your position on this.

I am merely pointing out that whilst making themselves do something encourages some people to do it more, for others it acts as negative reinforcement. It depends who you are. It works very well for some people but for others it has a very negative effect. Caveat emptor.
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Old 12-03-2011, 01:04 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
If you were starving for food, would you be content to fondle cake or smell ice cream.
Personally, I would rather smell the cake and fondle the ice cream.
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Old 12-03-2011, 01:13 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by inamoratoskiss View Post
Thanks to Enchantment and unbelievable for the advice, and Sawney for the additional input.

As I suspected, it seems my perceptions of sex and relationships is off somehow. I'm guessing because of my background and past relationships.

I do want a more emotionally close and attentive relationship. So if my husband starts to feel his sexual needs are being satisfied and that our sex life is healthy, I'm willing to bet he'll be more receptive to what I want or at least my suggestions.

I'll definitely take the advice into account and work toward being more open to sex, initiating more. But I certainly won't make it out to be a chore, because that won't be helpful for anyone. Still gonna look into getting my hormone levels checked.

Thanks again for the honest advice!
Good luck, and remember, a good plan executed with energy and enthusiasm now beats a perfect plan put into place sometime eventually...
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Then you don't jin Romani chib...
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Old 12-03-2011, 01:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

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Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
Unbeliveable, your views on the responsibility of partners in marriage to have sex whether they feel like it or not are a matter of record here. I am not questioning your position on this.

I am merely pointing out that whilst making themselves do something encourages some people to do it more, for others it acts as negative reinforcement. It depends who you are. It works very well for some people but for others it has a very negative effect. Caveat emptor.
And we would all be more blessed to be with the spouses who didn't resent it, that is for sure, cause then some of us (me being one) would want to leave such a marriage, it goes both ways there too. Glad I didn't have to experience such and I feel bad for everyone who does.

Sex is too important, it is so much more than just a "screw".

Original Poster, excuse me, I tend to jump on women who aren't getting it earlier in their marriage or not feeling it, I was there too at one time -so it is not like I can judge anyone, I had my own damn hangups -It wasn't weight, it was repression and being uneducated about a man's needs. We all have so much to learn. Although I did still had a nice drive- needing it once or week or I would chase him down.

As men age, some of this will die down for them, and YOUR drive may go UP and it may really SUCK if you want it as much as HE does now, and he is suddenly filling your shoes. Let me tell you --this is not easy to be on the end of this type of rejection.

Me & my husband had this "switch", as you know, men can not "fake it", I caused mine some performance pressure, but you know what, he NEVER pushed me away, he is my hero, he did everything he could to keep up with me. Now that is a loving spouse , I sing his praises, then I cried because I was NOT there for him -like that in his time of frustration --because I didn't get it, I really had NO idea, until I started feeling like that -the needy one, the one who was antsy , frustrated. It is a very hard place to be -when you want connection with the one you love. There is pain there.

2-3 times a month is NOT enough for a man. He will be dying inside.

Take 6 minutes & listen to this song, this is likely your husbands heart:

Please forgive Me by Bryan Adams... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EHAo6rEuas

.
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Old 12-03-2011, 01:17 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
2-3 times a month is NOT enough for a man. He will be dying inside.
Absolutely right as usual, but some men on here would think they'd hit the motherlode at three times a month!
Quote:
Take 6 minutes & listen to this song, this is likely your husbands heart:

Ronan keating Feat. Rita Guerra - All Over Again - YouTube

.
Ronan Keating? That is wrong on so many levels...
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What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
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Old 12-03-2011, 01:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I am a wife with no sex drive and a frustrated husband

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Ronan Keating? That is wrong on so many levels...
I know I know !!! I realized it was the wrong link and changed a miunute later, you replied too fast ! I was hoping noone would see my screw up !
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