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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-05-2011, 03:39 PM   #31 (permalink)
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I really think that the whole point of "flirting" was to wake up the other partner; to shock them into the reality of, yes I might lose him or her. There is great danger in marriage when we say she/he will never leave me. I need to be a great combination of alpha and beat to my wife. I need to help around the house, take her a cup of tea in the morning, constantly tell her how much I love her, do the laundry, etc. while taking the lead in our relationship and making the sex so hot that she would not even THINK of looking elsewhere.
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Old 12-05-2011, 03:43 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Default Re: Any Other "Married Man Sex Life" Readers?

Being able to recognize and deal with Sh!t Tests was one of my biggest takeaways.

I also love the phrase 'rationalization hamster'.

With regard to 'taking' your spouse, I think the staging, and where you currently are in the dynamic is important. When it works, it's magic ... it indicates all of the right things in terms of being pair-bonded and secure.

If it utterly flames out ... then there is other, more important groundwork to do.

Really glad it worked out for you. Success begets success.
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Old 12-05-2011, 03:45 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by romantic_guy View Post
I really think that the whole point of "flirting" was to wake up the other partner; to shock them into the reality of, yes I might lose him or her. There is great danger in marriage when we say she/he will never leave me. I need to be a great combination of alpha and beat to my wife. I need to help around the house, take her a cup of tea in the morning, constantly tell her how much I love her, do the laundry, etc. while taking the lead in our relationship and making the sex so hot that she would not even THINK of looking elsewhere.
This was my point too -in that long post I deleted. I agree with your words here! Some do need a shock into reality, what they may stand to loose.
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Old 12-05-2011, 03:50 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Do you thank your spouse for treating you right? When they do you a favor? Why? Isn't that what spouses should do? Why should you thank them for doing what they are supposed to do? Because you want them to realize that you appreciate what they did for you. That you appreciate the fact the even though Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome was flirting with them, they kept it light and squeezed a little closer to you. That despite Ms. Cute and Perky trying to get to friendly, they kept their distance and got back to their wife as quickly as possible.

In a perfect world, none of us should need to get rewarded for doing the "correct" thing. But I fail to see how it hurts your marriage to show appreciation and occasionally reward your spouse when they actually do the right thing.
Well said.
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Old 12-05-2011, 03:54 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Flirting is destabilizing. Destabilizing is sometimes very much necessary. It's like a reset button.

Those who rail against 'destabilization' either have been deeply wounded by a disconnected partner at some point, are are control freaks.

Destabilization can be source of friction. Friction can reignite passion. Another thing I picked up that never, ever, would have crossed my mind as a good thing to do previously.
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Old 12-05-2011, 04:16 PM   #36 (permalink)
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Flirting is destabilizing. Destabilizing is sometimes very much necessary. It's like a reset button.

Those who rail against 'destabilization' either have been deeply wounded by a disconnected partner at some point, are are control freaks.

Destabilization can be source of friction. Friction can reignite passion. Another thing I picked up that never, ever, would have crossed my mind as a good thing to do previously.
It might work for some but not others. If it helped you out, then awesome.
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Old 12-05-2011, 04:19 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Yes, Mrs Beane and I are grateful and demonstratively appreciative of the normal, decent things that we do for one another. What I was trying to get across is different to that. I think HelloooNurse put it very succinctly:
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I think you're coming at this very differently: you seem to be saying that you should say "well done" for resisting a temptation (in this case flirting with a member of the opposite sex) and reward that.

I on the other hand look at it this way. My wife wouldn't reward me for NOT asking her mother if she cleans her teeth with horsesh*t or does her mouth smell that way on its own. She would expect me not to because it would be highly disrespectful to do so. Ditto flirting.
People get rewarded all the time for doing what is expected. For not missing days at work. For doing well on a project. For landing the account. I don't see why marriage is different.

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Your method works for you, so that's great. Our method works for us. Ditto.
With everything that has been said, I most definitely agree with this.
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Old 12-05-2011, 04:33 PM   #38 (permalink)
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I read MMSL pretty regularly. I enjoy Athol's sense of humor, and the general premise that the spouse/marriage that you have is your best chance at the sex life you want. The whole idea of the best husbands being a balance of alpha & beta seems right on, and there are lots of other "gems" hidden in there, but also lots of things I think are pretty dangerous. The whole "flirt like you could get someone else if you wanted to" doesn't seem like the smartest idea for a man who is looking for advice because he isn't getting as much sex as he wants. Seems like a fine line between flirting like he could get someone else and flirting with someone who really knows what she's doing and ending up losing his wife.
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Old 12-05-2011, 04:34 PM   #39 (permalink)
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It might work for some but not others. If it helped you out, then awesome.
Speculative. Obviously not in my marriage.

In dating, I like to flirt as a means of measuring her interest, and importantly, her confidence and sense of humor.


I also like reverse flirting. I'll say,

"You do know that guy just checked you out, right? Can't blame him."

This should be pretty safe for a husband to do for his wife.
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Old 12-05-2011, 04:48 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Speculative. Obviously not in my marriage.

In dating, I like to flirt as a means of measuring her interest, and importantly, her confidence and sense of humor.


I also like reverse flirting. I'll say,

"You do know that guy just checked you out, right? Can't blame him."

This should be pretty safe for a husband to do for his wife.
It's the context for sure.
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Old 12-06-2011, 01:48 AM   #41 (permalink)
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For landing the account. I don't see why marriage is different.
I'll take this one as the example. You get rewarded for landing the account. Well and good. But do you get rewarded for NOT going into the negiotiations about the account and deliberately p*ssing off your customer? No. It's expected you give it your best shot. If you do that and it doesn't come off, OK, fair enough, better luck next time. But you don't expect to get a reward for NOT leaving a turd in the punchbowl.

For some people, flirting is like getting / not getting the account, for others it's like taking a dump in the middle of the negotating table and wiping your arse on the customer's portfolio.
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Old 12-06-2011, 02:35 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Flirting is destabilizing. Destabilizing is sometimes very much necessary. It's like a reset button.

Those who rail against 'destabilization' either have been deeply wounded by a disconnected partner at some point, are are control freaks.

Destabilization can be source of friction. Friction can reignite passion. Another thing I picked up that never, ever, would have crossed my mind as a good thing to do previously.
It's a case of what the equilibrium in the relationship is.

For some people, their equilibrium is static. They are at a point where they are in balance but not moving. In this case, destabilisation might be necessary, but is potentially dangerous because there may be very little "residual stability" that will allow a new, better equilibrium to be achieved. THe relationship is like a stack of cans in a supermarket - you topple it over and can't get it back up!

Others have a dynamic equilibrium - in the way a martial artist is always balanced, but moving. Like homeostatis in living things - constantly reacting to restore equilibrium. There's no need to destabilise, because you're acting and reacting all the time. Reading the dynamic (consciously and unconsciously), acting and re-acting. Stable, but not static.

That said, flirting is just plain rude. It's like confronting a partner with bad breath by asking if they brush their teeth with horsesh*t or does their mouth smell that way on its own. Sends the message, but may not provoke any sort of positive change.
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Old 12-06-2011, 03:26 AM   #43 (permalink)
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I don’t agree with flirting as a way to increase a partner’s desire for you. My reasoning is that at the times I caught my wife flirting all it achieved in generating in me was a very deep and lasting anger and sadness. There is no passion or desire where there is anger and an angry man is not attractive. And it was the same with my wife. Whenever I flirted she either got sad (withdrawn) or angry (withdrawn) and again there’s no passion or desire there when those emotions are around.

It needs attraction and desire in both partners and for good sex it needs passion as well. So the trick is for both partners to keep themselves attractive and desirable.

With some of the guys that post, I don’t get this asking if they can have sex. In over 40 years with my wife I never once asked for sex (although on a few occasions I jokingly offered to pay for it) yet I had sex anytime I wanted it. I think these things have a great deal to do with the type of wife a man has. For example some wives will consider it part of the deal to always give their husbands sex (MEMS position on things), in perhaps the same way as they’ll always give them home cooked meals. And in this way these women see sex and food as the way to their man’s heart and their way of keeping them by their side. And then there are other types of women who use sex as both a reward and a punishment and if she’s in punishment mode neither flirting or anything else will get you sex with her.

Last edited by AFEH; 12-06-2011 at 03:54 AM.
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Old 12-06-2011, 12:25 PM   #44 (permalink)
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With some of the guys that post, I don’t get this asking if they can have sex. In over 40 years with my wife I never once asked for sex (although on a few occasions I jokingly offered to pay for it) yet I had sex anytime I wanted it. I think these things have a great deal to do with the type of wife a man has. For example some wives will consider it part of the deal to always give their husbands sex (MEMS position on things), in perhaps the same way as they’ll always give them home cooked meals. And in this way these women see sex and food as the way to their man’s heart and their way of keeping them by their side. And then there are other types of women who use sex as both a reward and a punishment and if she’s in punishment mode neither flirting or anything else will get you sex with her.
Up until recently I would always say, "So do you want to do something tonight?" My wife never used sex as both a reward and a punishment, but I still would ask. It was a concern for her, but I have come to realize, as I have already stated, that she may not "feel like it" so if I just go ahead, she will get often into it. I have also come to realize (as she has tried to tell me) that there are times she does not have the energy for an orgasm but is perfectly willing for me to go anyway. This is one outcome of reading the book.
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Old 12-06-2011, 01:11 PM   #45 (permalink)
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I hope you don't mind me coming to the thread late and still slightly derailing with thoughts about flirting.

My initial reaction was that of Enchantment's. There is nothing more alluring than knowing I have his undivided focus, that he is there with me and demonstrates this in a respectful manner - that is completely flattering and sexy unto itself.

He came home from his new job looking HOT in his suit and I asked how many times he'd been hit on. Well, this was not received how I intended. He initially viewed my comment as insecure rather than playful admiration. I had to quickly add that I know what a catch he is and how FINE he was looking. Then I got his smile.

I think there would need to be serious apathy if flirting was needed to give a wake-up call.
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