Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 08:35 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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If they work together or have contact the affair is ongoing. She wants a separation to spend it with her lover. You aren't getting any because she isn't going to cheat on him. You don't count.
you absolutely should go.
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post #32 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 08:36 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

I suppose it is PC to say both are responsible for healing the marriage. But in reality, the person who wants it more is probably going to have to take the lead.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #33 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 08:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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You two argued a lot. But you were not arguing with yourself in the mirror. No, you were arguing with her. She owns half of that behavior because she participated in it. She did not try to diffuse this behavior "either". Or did she?

On these texts; how much love was shown to OM? Did she proclaim love, or affection? Were they sexual in nature? Or were they merely "friendly" and teasing? Were they the dancing with words, words that would lead to the bedroom? This would be Key to Me.

She would usually try to avoid/end arguements as quickly as possible with no real solution.. Like I said they weren't huge or important.. Just frequent and annoying... She admits that effective communication was always an issue for her... We both have been able to admit what all of our faults were.. And if not already obvious to us.. Ask the other what they think each other's faults were... She is just stuck in a place in her head where she isn't sure if she wants to work on it.. Which leads me to believe the OM is still on her mind.. Regardless of whether or not he is giving her the cold shoulder right now...

The word love was never thrown around.. There were a lot of jokes that implied fooling around... Including multiple mentions of getting a hotel room.. Talks about wanting to drive the hour distance between them just for a hug or to see each other if only for a second... The most real thing was that they were setting to meet up for drinks a few days later from when I discovered them
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post #34 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:06 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Have you decided whether or not to tell her boss's wife about the EA?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #35 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:14 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Your passivity makes you look weak, pathetic, and needy.

You're like a stray dog following her around begging her for a pat on the head. That is SO unattractive.

This is what she's learned about you - she can cheat on you, lie to your face, disrespect you to the core, act as though you've got the plague because she's now repulsed by your touch, treat you like you're a non-entity, tell you she's no longer in love with you - and there you are, begging for crumbs from her and seeing some piteous afterthought of an invitation for you to go to her brother's as some kind of 'progress.'

You've swallowed your pride and your dignity and have become this sniveling little emotional mess who has absolutely no power at ALL over your situation. You've allowed yourself to be treated like sh*t every single day and let HER call all the shots because you're so damned afraid to lose this supposed prize that you married.

So very, very unattractive.

You can call me 'mean' all you want. It doesn't change the truth.

You need to man the hell up, find your pride, find your dignity, and stop cowering in fear and helplessness while she walks all over you and tells YOU how things are going to go. You're doing the "pick me!" dance and it's about the most degrading and humiliating thing a BS can do.

Just stop it.
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This really pissed me off. Not because what you wrote was wrong [it wasn't]. No, it pissed me off because the "Meek often do inherit the Earth".

In this instance, she has been throwing dirt in this passive man's face for too long; now he is now a PICA PLEBE. An insignificant man that is now [properly] labeled a dirt-eater.

Whew! My heart doth beat hard. Thank you for seeing HER as the MAIN VILLAIN and he as the MAIN PUSHOVER. [puzzyover]

If you are unhappy in a marriage and do not want to continue....get a divorce, do not cheat. I can write this a million times and not tire of the sentiment.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #36 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Have you decided whether or not to tell her boss's wife about the EA?
I totally want to... But I feel like as long as R is an option (no matter how small the chance) .. That I should keep it to myself... She has expressed before that it would be a deal breaker... As this could damage her career if he chooses to take it being discovered out on her... But she is not just stringing me along in fear of this.. Because as far as she knows.. My one avenue of communication to him and his wife has been closed (through fb). He blocked me from his and his wife's account the night I found the texts... But my W and OM are unaware that I have other means to communicate if I choose that route
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post #37 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:27 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

That would really depend on whether they are still in contact. Are they?
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post #38 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:27 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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I totally want to... But I feel like as long as R is an option (no matter how small the chance) .. That I should keep it to myself... She has expressed before that it would be a deal breaker... As this could damage her career if he chooses to take it being discovered out on her... But she is not just stringing me along in fear of this.. Because as far as she knows.. My one avenue of communication to him and his wife has been closed (through fb). He blocked me from his and his wife's account the night I found the texts... But my W and OM are unaware that I have other means to communicate if I choose that route
I hope you do. His wife knows nothing right now, huh?

He was in a position of authority over your wife, and took advantage of it.

Your wife is young. You two can heal this if you want to.

Start being the husband you should have always been. That could win her back.

This might help, too:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #39 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:31 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Her family actually knows the whole story (because I told them.. She left the EA out and only told them about the arguement) and take my side on things.. They have expressed their dissappointment to her.. So not worried about feeling like an outcast... And yea at times I do feel embarrassed about the situation and things that I am putting myself through... But sticking up for myself shouldn't have to mean filing for divorce... I think I will try and have a good time this weekend... Then tell her when we get home she needs to agree to counseling (I think it would benefit her to talk to someone besides me about the ENTIRE situation) or transfer out of her facility... Something to prove she's really in this other than just "letting me try" to fix it... This probably doesn't belong in this thread anymore so if admin knows how to switch it feel free
Sticking up for yourself doesn't mean filing for divorce... but divorce may be the outcome of sticking up for yourself. Either way, sticking up for yourself must come though strength and faith in self that no matter the outcome you will be content in and of your actions.

She absolutely needs an objective perspective to her feelings as well... counseling doesn't just help us find new paths for the ways we defeat ourselves, it helps us validate the good or true in the paths we are on.

You shook up her world in the worst way when you told her you weren't sure in love with her, whether that was true with you or not... bad enough that she tried to recover from that in the most unmindful of ways, validation that she was loved somehow, some way, by any means possible with horrible choices... she needs to get her mind right so her own outcomes are not destructive.

I understand when one's world feels collapsed when they are told they are not as loved as they thought, her walls and poor choices are owned only by her, and while you helped build them with some influence, only she can take them down, this is where IC will help at first, then MC to follow if she is interested.

If she is not, you will have a hard decision to make because she will have made hers.

I do wish you both the best, but the best where you are may not be a path together.
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post #40 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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That would really depend on whether they are still in contact. Are they?
Obviously they are in contact professionally.. At work where they are forced to behave.. She said that he mostly avoids her now.. Seems like he has been scared straight for the time being.. And I have confirmed this by getting back on her phone and reading texts (all work related). Where he barely responds.. Nothing more than a "thanks" every once in a while.. Definitely a big change from before hah
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post #41 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:40 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Talks about wanting to drive the hour distance between them just for a hug
OM = Hug equals something worth driving an hour for
YOU = Hug may equal something causing her anxiety

OK, let us look into this situation and try to define what the other man has that you do not. If desire needs "distance" in order to thrive, can you see something there that might give the OM a big advantage?

Alright, you with me? Now think about how you could use "distance" with your wife to help give her more of an opportunity to feel desire again for you? And if you want to be passive aggressive and enjoy a little revenge, how could you take away some of this "distance" that the other man possesses?

One unique way you can use "distance" is to perhaps write love letters back and forth with you wife. By doing this it also forces you to listen better to each other because each person can write out their feelings without the other person interjecting in a way that feels like arguing. You can now communicate through distance.

One fun way to take away "distance" that the OM has would be to buy an odd pet for the house and very awkwardly name it after the OM. Imagine his name is "Fred," this will allow you to fuss at you wife and remind her to get food for Fred and to renew his worm medicine and clean up his sht because it is starting to stink. Then the idea of the OM's name becomes imprinted in your wife's mind as something that is very close, annoying, and smells of sht. Make sure this is a pet that the kids love so she can't get rid of Fred no matter how much she grows to despise him.

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post #42 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 10:12 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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OM = One fun way to take away "distance" that the OM has would be to buy an odd pet for the house and very awkwardly name it after the OM. Imagine his name is "Fred," this will allow you to fuss at you wife and remind her to get food for Fred and to renew his worm medicine and clean up his sht because it is starting to stink. Then the idea of the OM's name becomes imprinted in your wife's mind as something that is very close, annoying, and smells of sht. Make sure this is a pet that the kids love so she can't get rid of Fred no matter how much she grows to despise him.
Clever, but could easily backfire... I wouldn't bet on this with my relationship-currency fund.

I could see resentment taking not just a foothold, but a beachhead with such an action.

There is nothing forgiving in this...
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post #43 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 10:13 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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She would usually try to avoid/end arguements as quickly as possible with no real solution.. Like I said they weren't huge or important.. Just frequent and annoying... She admits that effective communication was always an issue for her... We both have been able to admit what all of our faults were.. And if not already obvious to us.. Ask the other what they think each other's faults were... She is just stuck in a place in her head where she isn't sure if she wants to work on it.. Which leads me to believe the OM is still on her mind.. Regardless of whether or not he is giving her the cold shoulder right now...

The word love was never thrown around.. There were a lot of jokes that implied fooling around... Including multiple mentions of getting a hotel room.. Talks about wanting to drive the hour distance between them just for a hug or to see each other if only for a second... The most real thing was that they were setting to meet up for drinks a few days later from when I discovered them
That is enough for me.

She was two pubic hairs away from a Tryst.

Divorce.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #44 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 11:34 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Originally Posted by allnamesaretaken View Post
I totally want to... But I feel like as long as R is an option (no matter how small the chance) .. That I should keep it to myself... She has expressed before that it would be a deal breaker... As this could damage her career if he chooses to take it being discovered out on her... But she is not just stringing me along in fear of this.. Because as far as she knows.. My one avenue of communication to him and his wife has been closed (through fb). He blocked me from his and his wife's account the night I found the texts... But my W and OM are unaware that I have other means to communicate if I choose that route
I'm sure they appreciate you helping them hide their affair. It will probable help enable it to continue. Fear and weakness at this time is your worst enemy.
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post #45 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 11:38 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Originally Posted by allnamesaretaken View Post
I totally want to... But I feel like as long as R is an option (no matter how small the chance) .. That I should keep it to myself... She has expressed before that it would be a deal breaker... As this could damage her career if he chooses to take it being discovered out on her... But she is not just stringing me along in fear of this.. Because as far as she knows.. My one avenue of communication to him and his wife has been closed (through fb). He blocked me from his and his wife's account the night I found the texts... But my W and OM are unaware that I have other means to communicate if I choose that route
In other words, if you do the right thing, she will divorce you? Convenient, that...

One thing you need to start right now is following your principles, whether your wayward wife agrees with them or not.

Frankly, my wife told me that the only way she would stay with me was for me to compromise my principles, she would quickly find herself having the opportunity to exercise that threat.

That is one of many differences between a strong and weak man.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley

Last edited by farsidejunky; 12-02-2016 at 11:44 AM.
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