Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 12:43 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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I know I'm responding to everything... It's because I've done way more thinking than talking over the past few months. I have a very limited number of people to talk to about this in my real life.... All of them taking sides by relation...I'm finally getting different viewpoints from unbiased minds... Whether I agree or not.. Its good to hear and discuss where these things could possibly lead
None of those people have dealt with more than one or two cases of infidelity. The people here have been here, some of us, for YEARS, and we have coached people and watched those people either ignore the advice or take the advice. We have the statistics, ok? We KNOW what works and what doesn't. That advice you're getting out there in neverland? Advice from inexperienced, unknowledgeable people.

We tell you what works - exposure, strength, unwillingness to compromise. You fear doing it because you - like every OTHER BH who comes here - think 'oh, she'll be mad at me.' Well, yeah, that's kinda the point. Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive a third party.
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post #62 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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None of those people have dealt with more than one or two cases of infidelity. The people here have been here, some of us, for YEARS, and we have coached people and watched those people either ignore the advice or take the advice. We have the statistics, ok? We KNOW what works and what doesn't. That advice you're getting out there in neverland? Advice from inexperienced, unknowledgeable people.

We tell you what works - exposure, strength, unwillingness to compromise. You fear doing it because you - like every OTHER BH who comes here - think 'oh, she'll be mad at me.' Well, yeah, that's kinda the point. Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive a third party.

But I don't think it can survive getting her fired or creating a hostile work environment.. I can just tell her she needs to transfer if she's serious about us
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post #63 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 01:43 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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But I don't think it can survive getting her fired or creating a hostile work environment..

The work site is already a hostile environment to your marriage.

I can just tell her she needs to transfer if she's serious about us

You only have one marriage, there are other jobs. Don't let the fear of the outcome stop you from getting what you deserve.

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." T.R.


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post #64 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 01:48 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Let her stay at her work with the OM, don't expose....... 100% chance of marriage failure.

However, you have probably a 1% chance of success, even if you do everything perfectly.
The sad fact is that once a woman changes her mind about a man, it rarely changes back.
Prepare for her to leave. And live your life like she's gone. That's pretty much the only chance you have at keeping her.
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post #65 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 02:03 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Look, an EA that blossoms into planning to get together to screw each other silly is a deal-breaker for me. I'd already be at the lawyer's office and the next thing I'd be doing is lining up dates for this weekend. But, fine, you want to try to save things. In that case, ACT LIKE YOU REALLY MEAN IT! Oh, dear heavens, the marriage might not survive her having to leave a job where she was canoodling with one of her co-workers. But, you think it can survive her (nearly or actually) getting railed by some other guy while she practically pukes when you make contact with her. You're in a desperate scramble to make her feel good and to keep her from being angry at you, because you have the screwed-up idea that attraction and respect flow from making your wife happy and making her life comfortable. It's understandable that you'd think that, since it's the message that gets drummed into our heads since childhood. But it's false and just mind poison.

I'm not saying you should be a jerk to her just for the sake of being a jerk. Don't be a child. But being an adult and taking care of adult problems in adult ways, often involves a helluva lot of bad feelings and discomfort along the way. Do the work to fix yourself and then assess whether the marriage can be saved and is worth saving. And if she walks before you get to the point where you've sorted that all out, the only real response to that is "The door's right there." And then move on to living an awesome life for yourself.

To be clear, the problem really isn't the job, though. If she leaves the job, she could meet some other guy at church, the grocery store, on a dating site, or wherever. She's obviously hot to trot right now, whatever you might think of her ardor for the guy at working having cooled (which, of course, you're wrong about: she has just taken it underground or is just biding her time until she thinks she has another open opportunity with him). The problem is that she has zero respect for you and it's pretty clear she's just reflecting back to you your own assessment of yourself. It's going to take the iron will of Stalin to right your ship and it really has nothing to do with you putting limits on her behavior. It has everything to do with what sort of value you place on yourself, what boundaries you establish for yourself and how you enforce them, and un-fvcking your mind and perhaps your body. The bad news is that you're a mess. The good news is that the only thing you can control is you, so you are able to fix the real problem.
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post #66 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 02:04 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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One fun way to take away "distance" that the OM has would be to buy an odd pet for the house and very awkwardly name it after the OM. Imagine his name is "Fred," this will allow you to fuss at you wife and remind her to get food for Fred and to renew his worm medicine and clean up his sht because it is starting to stink. Then the idea of the OM's name becomes imprinted in your wife's mind as something that is very close, annoying, and smells of sht. Make sure this is a pet that the kids love so she can't get rid of Fred no matter how much she grows to despise him.

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Clever, but could easily backfire... I wouldn't bet on this with my relationship-currency fund.

I could see resentment taking not just a foothold, but a beachhead with such an action.

There is nothing forgiving in this...
@Emerging Buddhist well if you were the OM, well then you can just eat your heart out at this little guy!


I named him Emit Tang Buddhist!

The kids love him and are making him a little temple.
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post #67 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 02:07 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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But I don't think it can survive getting her fired or creating a hostile work environment.. I can just tell her she needs to transfer if she's serious about us
DID you?

And, dude, it's JUST A JOB. Jobs come and go. You only get one shot at this marriage.

Tell her you expect her to either be getting reassigned to someplace he doesn't work or actively getting a new job. Or planning for divorce. There is no in between.
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post #68 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 02:29 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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@Emerging Buddhist well if you were the OM, well then you can just eat your heart out at this little guy!

The kids love him and are making him a little temple.
You are a really... bad... Santa.

I was talking more a mindful self approach for self... not sympathy for OM. I personally think he should walk.

You are definitely more vengeful than I... and that is entirely your call.

Geez... a gerbil?

I am still laughing!!!

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 12-02-2016 at 03:54 PM. Reason: Mindful reposting...
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post #69 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 02:53 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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But I don't think it can survive getting her fired or creating a hostile work environment.. I can just tell her she needs to transfer if she's serious about us
As in you are completely dependent on her income and can't threaten your own livelihood?
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post #70 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 03:09 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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things blew up after that and i decided to give her that space.. I moved in with my parents for a month and asked her to please not forget that we were married during that time... and told her that if the affair continued then this space can not benefit us.. she assured me it was done and that she would focus on herself and what she needs to do to come back to me... well i came home a week early to find out that she bought another house
You go home to your mom, she goes out and just buys another house!



DANG BRO!
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post #71 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 03:55 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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@Emerging Buddhist well if you were the OM, well then you can just eat your heart out at this little guy!
Yes, I came back to laugh again but aside from that, my message is simply you don't leave hate by adding to it... thus why I dislike any passive-aggressive approach posed as a solution.

Your sense of humor is appreciated though...

Last edited by Emerging Buddhist; 12-02-2016 at 04:01 PM. Reason: Mindful not take onself too damn serious...
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post #72 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 04:13 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Yes, I came back to laugh again but aside from that, my message is simply you don't leave hate by adding to it... thus why I dislike any passive-aggressive approach posed as a solution.

Your sense of humor is appreciated though...
To the contrary, with "creativity" passive aggressive behavior can become the "fraternity hazing bond" that holds a family together.

I'm seriously going to write a book one day called, "How to save your marriage, by spicing up your temper tantrums!"

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post #73 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 04:20 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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To the contrary, with "creativity" passive aggressive behavior can become the "fraternity hazing bond" that holds a family together.

I'm seriously going to write a book one day called, "How to save your marriage, by spicing up your temper tantrums!"
I would buy a copy in a heartbeat... thanks for making my day a little lighter, and more.
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post #74 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 02:30 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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. The only positive I'm holding on to is that she is no longer talking divorce.
well, if you have gotten over the EA part of her talking intimately with another man....

maybe the clue to reconciliation is in the EA itself She likes to talk. She likes to talk about certain things. May be sex, politics, just friendly discussions, maybe he flatters her a lot....she fell for that, needed it, and did not get it from you.

IF you coud figure out what they were/are talking about....you could try to fill that role instead. One thing for sure, you need to really lay it on tick about how hot andsexy you think her body it....multiple times a day. That book the five love languages might be of some use
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post #75 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 07:16 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Sounds like your wife doesn't take responsibility for anything she does...and you enable that behavior. You say you won't let 4 months ruin 11 years...but, I have a feeling, that she didn't just change over night. Sometimes, people ignore red flags throughout relationships just to keep the peace, do you think you might have ever done that?

The only way your relationship will work is if your wife owns what she did, she doesn't sound like she is. She sounds like she wants you to believe it wasn't anything at all ...not even an EA. I hope you don't lose your own self in trying to save your marriage.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
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