Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 09:11 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
The only way your relationship will work is if your wife owns what she did, she doesn't sound like she is. She sounds like she wants you to believe it wasn't anything at all ...not even an EA. I hope you don't lose your own self in trying to save your marriage.
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post #77 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 09:57 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

So many things happen to us in our lives that are so incredibly difficult to accept. We tend to think that we can do something about these events of we try hard enough-- if our will is strong enough.....
Thing is, our lives aren't under our control. And other people, our spouses included, are not under our control. Their feelings aren't even under their own control most of the time.

Sometimes we are forced to just give up what we can't do anything about. Accept it and move on, even if it hurts.
That's what I suggest here. Even though it hurts, move on and find yourself a new life. Create one. You created this one, OP.
You can make a new one, too.
You never know--- it may be better than you ever dreamed.

If you stay where you are, this broken marriage will be like a cannonball around your neck. It will never get easier dragging it around. You don't have a choice. One way or another you're going to have to change. Do it on your terms, not hers. It's not fair to you to let her destroy your mind.
Take care of yourself. You can't help anyone if you're not 100% yourself.

Consider moving on and finding someone that loves you.
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post #78 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 06:56 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

@Allnamestaken, you left out a very important part of your story in your OP. I pulled this from the OP of your other thread....

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... about 4 months ago now in our last big fight that started all this.. I foolishly said that I didnt love her... I realize it was wrong and I shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me.. but i haven't been able to get her back since then.. she shut down and shut me out from that moment on.. I've tried everything to get her back and she just kept asking for space.. she said no matter how funny or sweet I am it won't change anything and space is our only hope..
IIRC didn't you also ask her for separation at that point?

The fact that she has since purchased a house and plans on moving in at the end month is a sure sign that she took what you said to heart. She started doing the 180, disconnected from you emotionally, and planned her exit.

Unfortunately her exit included testing the waters with another man. Those are called exit affairs and are extremely difficult to overcome. My guess is that she's telling you what you want to hear to keep the peace until you two are officially separated.

IMO, it doesn't look like she's going to seek to reconcile with you after she's gone. I would be very shocked if she hasn't already contacted a lawyer about divorce. I mean she purchased a freaking home......That's a huge asset that she'll need to protect.

The best thing you can do right now is work on improving yourself. Become the best man you can become. It'll help you avoid the same mistakes in your future relationships.

You're still young. You have plenty of time to get it right. Good luck.
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post #79 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 09:40 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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You say you won't let 4 months ruin 11 years...but, I have a feeling, that she didn't just change over night. Sometimes, people ignore red flags throughout relationships just to keep the peace, do you think you might have ever done that?
Yes, this.

To you, it's sudden. It came out of nowhere. To her, it was a long, gradual process. It may have started years before.

When my ex wife went down the same path as yours did, I was oblivious. My obliviousness no doubt contributed to her resentment of me ("Why doesn't he notice I'm drifting away?"). It's the s**t test of all s**t tests - my ex wife didn't once talk to me about her feelings (or gradual lack of) until it was too late, and SHE couldn't take it any more, AND there was already somebody else. In her mind, I was supposed to notice her drifting away from me and fight for her looong before she even got to the point of testing the waters with someone else. So in her mind, it was my fault and her actions were justified. "Well he doesn't notice me drifting away, so I'll keep pushing the envelope until he does", and by the time I did, it was far too late.

Now, all of that makes me sound like I was an idiot and had my head in the sand - but I didn't. Not really. For me, I just trusted her as I felt I should have. I trusted her to talk to me about things and communicate openly and freely. Perhaps I took her for granted in this regard, but TBH, why wouldn't I have? (and vice versa). We had been together for so long and from a young age, so why wouldn't communication continue?

With hindsight being what it is, I can pinpoint when my ex wife started this gradual process. We were together just shy of 14 years total, 7 married. The year we got married is when things started changing for her. Over those ensuing years, she pushed the envelope farther and farther until we wound up where we did. Except I didn't notice it during that time. I chalked it up to the normal evolution of a marriage. Silly me. And in fact, I'm certain she cheated on me at least once during that time - again, something I didn't even recognize until AFTER we were no longer together. At the time, it wasn't obvious at all, and I had so much trust in her that it wasn't an option for me. I don't recall the thought even entering my mind at the time. But months after she left, it suddenly popped in my head, and I felt really really stupid.

Bluntly put, it's too late, IMO. If I was the only one with this story, I wouldn't say that, but I've seen it play out over and over (here, and IRL) and it's like a script. The first time I read a similar story here on TAM, I thought "Oh my god, this is exactly what happened to me!". I've seen it numerous times since then with very few deviations, and it no longer surprises me.

If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have fought for my ex wife, and I would have focused on myself. Ironically enough, you have a MUCH better chance of reconciling with her if you DON'T fight for her. And secondly, it's much better to focus on yourself anyway - without the the goal of reconciliation in mind. It's win-win in an otherwise losing battle.
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post #80 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 11:26 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

It's interesting to me how cheaters will say ''I just couldn't take it anymore, I was going to come to you, but...'' AFTER they already have someone new. lol That's not a sh!t test, that's just a needy, toxic person who believes that they're the center of attention, and as soon as they don't become YOUR center of attention, they cheat. ''Narcissist'' is an easier word to remember. lol And, they often cheat on the person they cheated on you with, which shows that it was never about you or the relationship, it was about their insatiable need to have attention from people of the opposite sex.

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
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post #81 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 12:59 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Generally, once a woman checks out, she checks out. There is no going back. She can go through the motions, but the marital relationship is gone. Women are funny that way.

I'm sorry OP, but you are caught up in a sunk cost fallacy loop here. Best to end it and move on to a new life.
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post #82 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 04:52 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Generally, once a woman checks out, she checks out. There is no going back. She can go through the motions, but the marital relationship is gone. Women are funny that way.
i think leaving to live with his parents for a monnth might have driven those nails into this coffin. She was feeling abandoned, and formed a plan forward without him.

A separation...does not seem like a useful thing to me unless you are pretty sure you DO want the relationship to end.
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post #83 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 06:20 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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It's interesting to me how cheaters will say ''I just couldn't take it anymore, I was going to come to you, but...'' AFTER they already have someone new. lol That's not a sh!t test, that's just a needy, toxic person who believes that they're the center of attention, and as soon as they don't become YOUR center of attention, they cheat. ''Narcissist'' is an easier word to remember. lol And, they often cheat on the person they cheated on you with, which shows that it was never about you or the relationship, it was about their insatiable need to have attention from people of the opposite sex.
The way I meant it was it was the next step in the "hey, pay attention to me" s**t test of my ex wife. It definitely wasn't an all of a sudden thing for her.

I was suggesting that OP take a look at the last several years of his marriage and see if it started slowing down well before the EA started. As I said, I didn't notice it as it was happening, and once it was too late (for me), that's when I realized it was a slow burn.

My ex wife confirmed that post-separation, that she had started to feel that way looong before the marriage ended and she broke her vows. If she had communicated this to me as it was happening, perhaps things would have been different (but I doubt it).

It doesn't always go this way, of course - sometimes it IS quite sudden, and it's what it takes to make the person fully realize they don't want to be with you, but in many cases it's a slow process.

In my current marriage, I'm more on top of things. I'm not paranoid and I certainly don't constantly ask "what's wrong?", but I take the temperature of the marriage every now and again, we communicate, and I pay attention. With my previous marriage, we were both very young and inexperienced, and neither of us really worked on communicating (especially her) or on marriage-building. Live and learn.
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post #84 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 06:40 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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The way I meant it was it was the next step in the "hey, pay attention to me" s**t test of my ex wife. It definitely wasn't an all of a sudden thing for her.

I was suggesting that OP take a look at the last several years of his marriage and see if it started slowing down well before the EA started. As I said, I didn't notice it as it was happening, and once it was too late (for me), that's when I realized it was a slow burn.

My ex wife confirmed that post-separation, that she had started to feel that way looong before the marriage ended and she broke her vows. If she had communicated this to me as it was happening, perhaps things would have been different (but I doubt it).

It doesn't always go this way, of course - sometimes it IS quite sudden, and it's what it takes to make the person fully realize they don't want to be with you, but in many cases it's a slow process.

In my current marriage, I'm more on top of things. I'm not paranoid and I certainly don't constantly ask "what's wrong?", but I take the temperature of the marriage every now and again, we communicate, and I pay attention. With my previous marriage, we were both very young and inexperienced, and neither of us really worked on communicating (especially her) or on marriage-building. Live and learn.
I note you put all the blame on your ex wife for wanting your attention. (Cheating was a wrong way of dealing with the problem) All too often men once they get married, have the wife and kids, get wrapped up in their careers, hobbies etc and the wife may tell them that she is feeling lonely, unloved, lack of emotional connection etc but all too often it falls on deaf ears for years and years. Why didn't you take the emotional temperature of your first marriage? Sometimes men are lazy creatures and don't bother doing anything until the **** really hits the fan but then it is too late.
For years i told my husband i felt abandoned and alone due to his work and drinking and he didn't bother changing. He even had the attitude what was I going to do or where was I going to go as I had kids and he knew I wouldnt break up the family. Now he knows different cause I could walk in a heart beat. Why do men let it get to that stage? I know I'll get some brick bats for this but I see it happen time and time again. Is it because the woman is not attractive if she wants her needs met?
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post #85 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 06:49 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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i think leaving to live with his parents for a monnth might have driven those nails into this coffin. She was feeling abandoned, and formed a plan forward without him.

A separation...does not seem like a useful thing to me unless you are pretty sure you DO want the relationship to end.
I don't think it was such a bad idea for him to get out of a toxic environment, TBH. When my ex wife decided she was leaving, it took her a week to actually do so, at my insistence (and with help from her sister). Not everybody is so lucky that the other person will actually leave. If you're at an impasse with this sort of thing, then it's not the worst thing in the world for you to leave the home. It's not ideal, but in the grand scheme of things, actually being separated from the person is a positive. Preferably it's them that should leave, but it doesn't always work out that way.

IME, the only tiny sliver of hope for me would have been to do the 180 - something I didn't know about way back then. People are funny that way - when they reject you, they EXPECT you to be upset and beg and cry. They actually prepare themselves for that. When you don't react in that way, THEY are the ones who sometimes end up feeling rejected and it makes them start thinking about things in a different way.

That kind of thing might only work if you aren't an a-hole or ever gave them a legitimate reason for them to leave you. In my case, I was a pretty good partner and husband.

Chasing someone who doesn't want to be with you actually drives them further away - I know that now. They're expecting it, and it's often a point of pride for them to 'stand their ground' with their decision. They're prepared for the waterworks and the 20-questions and the over all sadness.

It's damn-near impossible, but ideally, one should just live their life and go on when presented with something like this, as opposed to stopping everything and making the other person the center of their universe.

I started dating about 3-4 months after my ex wife left, and she found out shortly after. I didn't make a big deal of it, or even tell her, she found out on her own. And her tune changed drastically towards me, almost like jealousy. In retrospect, it was kind of funny. I took steps to move on from her, and it was almost like "wait, you're not chasing me any more?" At that point, she had rented her own place, all our pets were still living with me, and the man she left me for didn't live in this country and she was a few months away from moving there still. So I started dating someone, was living in 'our' house with all our pets, and she was all alone.

The sooner one can do something like that (not necessarily date, of course, just be 'okay' with the situation), the better. Especially if the other person has narcissistic tendencies, like my ex wife did. When you don't act in the expected way to rejection, it throws them for a loop. But you also can't force it and make it obvious. They're not going to be jealous if you suddenly turn into a party-boy/girl or turn to booze or otherwise go off the rails. But if you just live your life normally and be happy, that's another story. People are funny like that, like I said.
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post #86 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 12:08 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

There’s never a valid excuse to cheat. Not to say people can’t be frustrated and disappointed in their spouses and are afraid to communicate that, but cheating will never be acceptable as a response to that. You can always leave. You can always say ‘’I’m not happy, and I’m leaving.’’ It’s not someone else’s responsibility to fulfill all your needs. Being engaged now, I’m realizing that it’s not my fiance’s responsibility to make me happy. He doesn’t owe me my happiness. I think a lot of people go into marriage thinking that a spouse’s job is to fulfill every need. It takes communication, and if you choose to not communicate with your spouse as to how unhappy you are IN THE RELATIONSHIP, then maybe it is your fault for where the marriage ends up. From what I’ve been reading on here, threads posted by men about their wives cheating…it seems the wife wanted the lifestyle, but also wanted something new on the side, where she could get more attention. I don’t feel sorry for people who cheat, it is one of the lowest things you can do to someone else that you supposedly ‘’love.’’

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
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post #87 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 12:33 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Now, all of that makes me sound like I was an idiot and had my head in the sand - but I didn't. Not really. For me, I just trusted her as I felt I should have. I trusted her to talk to me about things and communicate openly and freely. Perhaps I took her for granted in this regard, but TBH, why wouldn't I have? (and vice versa). We had been together for so long and from a young age, so why wouldn't communication continue?
I could not agree more. I feel this way in my marriage. Without mutual trust, I think it's over.
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post #88 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 01:23 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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IMO, it doesn't look like she's going to seek to reconcile with you after she's gone. I would be very shocked if she hasn't already contacted a lawyer about divorce. I mean she purchased a freaking home......That's a huge asset that she'll need to protect.

The best thing you can do right now is work on improving yourself. Become the best man you can become. It'll help you avoid the same mistakes in your future relationships.

You're still young. You have plenty of time to get it right. Good luck.
@Lila some women have a very strong tendency to think that everything will get better once they relocate into a new house, as if the house has been causing all the problems and it is used as a scapegoat. It is easy for you to know that if you ever had a very bad experience in a house before (regardless if the house was at fault or not), that you would want to move on into a new house. So perhaps the OP's wife is just trying to engage in "relocation therapy!"

Now it just so happens that I completely agree with you, and I wrote the above to give the OP a chance to not give up hope in case that is what is going on. The wife should want the husband to be a part of choosing this new house so that she could envision the two of them there and happy. Anyway, we never have the whole story here on TAM, do we?

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post #89 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 01:42 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Now, all of that makes me sound like I was an idiot and had my head in the sand - but I didn't. Not really. For me, I just trusted her as I felt I should have. I trusted her to talk to me about things and communicate openly and freely. Perhaps I took her for granted in this regard, but TBH, why wouldn't I have? (and vice versa). We had been together for so long and from a young age, so why wouldn't communication continue?

I could not agree more. I feel this way in my marriage. Without mutual trust, I think it's over.
Well, the way I trusted my ex wife, I don't recommend anybody does to their spouse. There really is a fine line between absolute, 100%, complete and utter 'trust' and what's considered normal. I was the former, not the latter.

It's more that nothing that happened ever occurred to me that it would, or could, happen. I simply did not believe, or want to believe, that things would ever go the way they did.

Oblivious, blind trust is not the way to go in ANY marriage. One always has to be just ever so slightly on edge at all times, IMO. Just enough to recognize any potential warning signs before they blossom into anything else.
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post #90 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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@Lila The wife should want the husband to be a part of choosing this new house so that she could envision the two of them there and happy.

Badsanta
She did ask me to go with her and check it out before she signed the contract to see if I liked it... Then she gave me some nonsense about not being able to picture me there with her "right away". That she just needs some time alone first.. Just not too sure what she's looking for in that time alone...

And also... I went out with her to her brother's over the weekend.. Now granted she was super drunk.. She was actually very fun and flirty with me... Pretty much back to normal for the night.. And ya know what.. I'll take that as a good sign because in my experience.. Alcohol doesn't make you a different person.. I've always seen it as a truth serum.. It lets you be more of yourself.. So she was able to let her walls down for a night and it showed me she's still in there somewhere...
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