Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-05-2016, 04:27 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

What in the world????

You're thinking that your wife wants a separation and has BOUGHT A NEW HOUSE, and she actually is still considering YOU as an option. I'm sorry but I've seen all this poop before from my own ex, and from a lot of others.
She is STRINGING YOU ALONG, so that she can make a clean break when she has her ducks in a row, and will continue to ACT like she's considering reconciling so she can lie to herself and not feel so bad about breaking the vows.
What you did in saying you don't love her--- that was just plain old wrong and senseless. But make no mistake--- couples can say all kinds of bad stuff to one another and get over it when they both WANT to. She didn't love you anymore and she's using that as an excuse. Plain and simple.

I hope you get your wife back like you want, and I'm all wrong. What I'm telling you is I believe that you're seeing what you want to see and not reality. She's gone, dude. She bought a house for goodness' sake. Don't let her lull you into not taking action with an attorney and protecting yourself. Just protect yourself NOW. Please. We've seen all this pseudo-reconciling stuff before out of these walkaways. "she's still in there somewhere"............ poor guy. I was there once, too.

DO NOT BELIEVE what she SAYS. BELIEVE WHAT SHE DOES. I was told that here before, and it was some of the best advice I received. You would be appalled at what my ex did with me to pretend like she wanted to reconcile. I am still to this day ashamed at participating in it.
What she does. Keep repeating that. What she does. Not how she acts, how she talks. What she DOES.

What she has DONE:

Asked to separate from you.
Had an "EA" (yeah, right, it was just an EA) with her boss. Either way, an EA can remove feelings for a spouse just as easily as a PA.
She has stopped having sex with you.
She has bought another home.
STILL working with the boss that you know she has emotional involvement with. Just catching a glimpse of him is enough to keep it going in her head. Working with him? Just plain poison for your relationship.

Now, what more do you want? Well you'll be getting served soon enough most likely, unless you're still providing for her in some way. Then maybe you'll believe that she wants a divorce.

Again, I'm hoping for you that I'm totally in the wrong. However, she has bought a new house. Seems she might actually want to live in it. So you're going to have a separation that SHE wants. Want to guess why she wants to separate? Think old bossy boy is coming to visit at that new home and do you think you'll have a key? You should research how many marriages survive a separation, especially when a third party is involved. And you still have a 3rd party involved, make no mistake about that.

Last edited by Evinrude58; 12-05-2016 at 04:38 PM.
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post #92 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 11:54 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Originally Posted by allnamesaretaken View Post
And also... I went out with her to her brother's over the weekend.. Now granted she was super drunk.. She was actually very fun and flirty with me... Pretty much back to normal for the night.. And ya know what.. I'll take that as a good sign because in my experience.. Alcohol doesn't make you a different person.. I've always seen it as a truth serum.. It lets you be more of yourself.. So she was able to let her walls down for a night and it showed me she's still in there somewhere...
LOL...you're really grasping at this point buddy.
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post #93 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 12:23 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Drunk?

So, you guys had sex and now you feel safe, with alcohol involved. Are you planning on keeping her drunk the entire time you try to repair your marriage?
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post #94 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 12:52 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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I note you put all the blame on your ex wife for wanting your attention. (Cheating was a wrong way of dealing with the problem) All too often men once they get married, have the wife and kids, get wrapped up in their careers, hobbies etc and the wife may tell them that she is feeling lonely, unloved, lack of emotional connection etc but all too often it falls on deaf ears for years and years. Why didn't you take the emotional temperature of your first marriage? Sometimes men are lazy creatures and don't bother doing anything until the **** really hits the fan but then it is too late.
For years i told my husband i felt abandoned and alone due to his work and drinking and he didn't bother changing. He even had the attitude what was I going to do or where was I going to go as I had kids and he knew I wouldnt break up the family. Now he knows different cause I could walk in a heart beat. Why do men let it get to that stage? I know I'll get some brick bats for this but I see it happen time and time again. Is it because the woman is not attractive if she wants her needs met?
Sounds quite a bit different than what I heard alexm describe.

It's not a man thing. It is a those-particular-men thing. It is a wrong-sort-of-man thing, and there is a very similar wrong-sort-of-woman thing out there too.

I find it to be especially attractive for a woman to expect to be treated with respect and love, to have boundaries, to know what she wants and needs and to express it, and to respect and love herself. It feels safe. It is something often admirable, because it often takes work and thought and hard lessons for someone to reach that level ease and conviction.

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post #95 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 01:17 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Originally Posted by PieceOfSky View Post
Sounds quite a bit different than what I heard alexm describe.

It's not a man thing. It is a those-particular-men thing. It is a wrong-sort-of-man thing, and there is a very similar wrong-sort-of-woman thing out there too.

I find it to be especially attractive for a woman to expect to be treated with respect and love, to have boundaries, to know what she wants and needs and to express it, and to respect and love herself. It feels safe. It is something often admirable, because it often takes work and thought and hard lessons for someone to reach that level ease and conviction.
Yes, you are right, we cannot generalise. I have been told in the past, I'm demanding! This is from a man who expected everything for himself without giving little in return. There are many selfish people in marriages, men and women. A marriage is never about 'what I can get?" but 'what can i give?'
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post #96 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 01:34 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
I note you put all the blame on your ex wife for wanting your attention. (Cheating was a wrong way of dealing with the problem) All too often men once they get married, have the wife and kids, get wrapped up in their careers, hobbies etc and the wife may tell them that she is feeling lonely, unloved, lack of emotional connection etc but all too often it falls on deaf ears for years and years. Why didn't you take the emotional temperature of your first marriage? Sometimes men are lazy creatures and don't bother doing anything until the **** really hits the fan but then it is too late.
For years i told my husband i felt abandoned and alone due to his work and drinking and he didn't bother changing. He even had the attitude what was I going to do or where was I going to go as I had kids and he knew I wouldnt break up the family. Now he knows different cause I could walk in a heart beat. Why do men let it get to that stage? I know I'll get some brick bats for this but I see it happen time and time again. Is it because the woman is not attractive if she wants her needs met?
As a man I don't think you are wrong at all, I think this contributes to some of the cheating and heartbreak we see, though that is no excuse, woman should leave and not cheat, once there is cheating the high road is lost and the wives who cheat are much worse.

I am not speaking for you husband here as I don't know him but I will say in general, many men were not taught that we need to provide emotionally for our wives just as much as financially. This is similar to how many woman don't understand how sex is an emotionally bonding act for lots of men. Sex for men is how we express love in a lot of ways. The genders are different even though for the last 20 years the general thought has been we are not that different. In this respect we are. If both sexes understood and excepted this about each other we would have much better relationships.

So back to my theory, men are NOT taught that they need to emotionally provide, and in many cases they are not given the tools how to do that in the first place. If you have never been taught to talk about your emotions or worse been taught that emotions are not to be talk about because it makes you weak, it is very hard to just change and learn to do this. Now this doesn't mean that some men aren't just selfish, of course some are, but I know many think when they go out and work hard that they are fulfilling there role as a provider and husband and that's it. I also think when some guys wives tell them they are feeling a lack of emotional connection to them it's like saying - "my transmission is dead" to someone who doesn't know anything about cars. They are like, what the hell do I know about that. They don't know how to even ask. Besides they are not supposed to ask because that makes them look weak. They feel powerless to fix it. So they just get mad or shrug.

Think about it before the advent of the industrial revolution getting food on the table really was about life and death. So when the man spent all his time doing that, damn straight he was doing his job. We are kind of still stuck in this mentality. Today our lives are different woman can support themselves getting food on the table most often is done by both partners. Culture is just catching up to this fact in many ways. If you have sons teach them this, my mother taught me and I am a better husband because of it. My Dad didn't say a think about this to me. He doesn't get it, he is a product of his generation. I was lucky enough to have a resource in a mother who asked me what was I feeling and told me to talk about them. She would always tell me when you get married you can't go to your room when you get home like you do now. You need to talk to your wife, she needs that from you. I was well aware that emotional protection and provision was my responsibility to her.

Anyway my = 2 cents.
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post #97 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-09-2016, 02:26 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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She did ask me to go with her and check it out before she signed the contract to see if I liked it... Then she gave me some nonsense about not being able to picture me there with her "right away". That she just needs some time alone first.. Just not too sure what she's looking for in that time alone...

And also... I went out with her to her brother's over the weekend.. Now granted she was super drunk.. She was actually very fun and flirty with me... Pretty much back to normal for the night.. And ya know what.. I'll take that as a good sign because in my experience.. Alcohol doesn't make you a different person.. I've always seen it as a truth serum.. It lets you be more of yourself.. So she was able to let her walls down for a night and it showed me she's still in there somewhere...
You're really not sure ?

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post #98 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 05:56 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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She would usually try to avoid/end arguements as quickly as possible with no real solution.. Like I said they weren't huge or important.. Just frequent and annoying... She admits that effective communication was always an issue for her... We both have been able to admit what all of our faults were.. And if not already obvious to us.. Ask the other what they think each other's faults were... She is just stuck in a place in her head where she isn't sure if she wants to work on it.. Which leads me to believe the OM is still on her mind.. Regardless of whether or not he is giving her the cold shoulder right now...

The word love was never thrown around.. There were a lot of jokes that implied fooling around... Including multiple mentions of getting a hotel room.. Talks about wanting to drive the hour distance between them just for a hug or to see each other if only for a second... The most real thing was that they were setting to meet up for drinks a few days later from when I discovered them
He is doing a 180 on her. That is why she is thinking about him still. She sees him in a strong light. It maybe to save his job but it is working.
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post #99 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 07:30 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Seems like anytime a spouse says "I need some time alone", a loud screaming voice inside my head says "I need some time alone with my affair partner".

Anytime a woman says she "needs space", what she means is "I need about 10 miles of space between my affair parnter and you, husband".

When they say "I need some time to think", they really mean, "I need some time to think about how me and my affair partner are going to spend more time together, without you, husband; and I am thinking really freaking hard about how I'm going to keep your income and emotional/financial security coming in-- old affair partner's wife could find out at any time and you could prove useful if you could just ignore me getting banged by other men regularly".

One thing is for certain, when one's wife buys another house and you're still married---- that's a pretty firm sign their plans for the future don't include their husband. Packing her **** up is a pretty good sign she's gone.

I'm glad OP is doing the 180 on her. She is quite the liar and probably worse. Really doing a number on OP's head.
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post #100 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 09:25 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

OP, she is moving out getting her own place. Pretty easy looking from the outside this is not good at all.

Going to stay with family to clear ones head and BUYING a house are two completely differene scenarios. One is too relax away from you with family to she how she feels. The other is to have a place to be with other poeple.

So, the othe night she had to much to drink and you had a good time with her. You think this is a good sign. Do you not think she might be putting these walls up so she can disconnect from you completely.

Time to wake up and stand up for yourself.

What has being at her bec and call gotten you.

She has already given you the ILYBNILWY speach. She has already say to two of you aren't living as husband and wife.

Do not help her move out. Do you really want to get her new home, away from you, ready for her to entertain other men? This is the only reason not to stay with family.

Let her know when she leaves she is on her own and the next step is filing for divorce.

You need to show strength now. Stop groveling and start The 180. Being all nice and kissing bum has gotten you nothing.

Expose the affair to the OM's wife. She deserves to know the truth. Your WW wife telling you that if you tell your marriage is over. This should have told you exactly where you stood her order of importance. The bottom.

Start letting friends know what she did as well. That way she is not able to blame shift this to you.
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post #101 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

I was jogging down our street and noted a giant Christmas Snoopy being inflated.

At first he was a disheveled bag of vinyl. He had no shape and no spine. Not attractive to anyone.

This is you.

Puff yourself up, stand erect.

Oh, once you are full of fresh air, break your mooring lines. Let the wind take you.

Let her see a big happy man leave her in the lurch. With you looking down...literally looking down on her. Show contempt....minus the snarl.

Selfish behavior on her part requires, NO, DEMANDS consequences. Do the hard 180 on her. Diamond, glinting teeth bared, hard.

Do not be mean....be scarce and cold.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #102 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Well here's a little update guys... I was able to get her back... She asked me to move in with her... We've been in the new place for a week.. And I've got friends staying in our old house for the time being..(which i don't think is very legal.. Should probably be going through the process of registering as a landlord?? Don't think I can just let people stay there... But that's a topic for another forum hah) Her and I are having sex regularly and everything relationship wise is going smoothly... Only problem now is the feeling I get from being in this house.. (Some people can just never be happy I guess haha) I thought getting her back would fix everything... But this place that she picked on her own just isn't something that l would have chosen had I been a part of it... Part of me wants to go back home.. And see if she chases me like I chased her... Stuck choosing between my life and my wife
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post #103 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-23-2016, 09:08 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Stop worrying. Clear you will never be happy no matter what happens in your life. Might as well accept that your default mood is internally conflicted and stop paying any attention to what bothers you. Something always will.

I am that way. That should terrify you. Commit to being less and less like me every day.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #104 of 105 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 02:08 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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post #105 of 105 (permalink) Old 03-20-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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let me get this straights , she has the affair, gives you a lot of crap and now she gets to make the rules....screw that...this is when you put your foot down and tell her how it will work of she can move out for good.
ya know, when he puts it that way, it makes perfect sense
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