Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 08:16 AM Thread Starter
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Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

So I wrote a detailed explanation of everything that's going on under another thread... But for this one I'm going to ask more specific questions to hopefully get more specific answers.. Is it possible for intimacy to come back after a serious arguement and an EA? We argued and some harsh things were said.. and my wife shut down emotionally and physically.. Well not physically at first.. Sex continued for a few weeks after the arguement then hit a sudden stop... That's when I found out about the EA... This was about 4 months ago... At first it was so bad I couldn't even touch her.. Even a hand on her shoulder would cause her to flinch...
Since then the touching has improved %100... We began sleeping in the same bed again... At first she would wear a shirt... Then she went back to sleeping nude.. Although I'm still "not allowed" to see her uncovered... And also she isn't comfortable kissing yet...
She gave me the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and brought up divorce between the arguement and me finding out about her EA.. Once I found out she kind of changed her tune.. At least with the divorce part.. She still claims to only feel like we are friends now but is willing to try and get it back...
I guess what I'm asking is... Should I see these small steps as hope? Is her head still stuck in the affair? Should I press her to change her job if it's going to work (the affair was with her boss)? And is it possible for intimacy to return once a woman feels this way? Also.. Do you see space/separation being beneficial? During the arguement she went on about how she doesn't know who she is and wants time alone... Any chance that is sincere or is it just an excuse to try and get away with cheating?
For what it's worth we are highschool sweethearts.. Started dating at 15.. Dated for 8 years and have been married for an additional 3... Also sex has always been a strong part of our relationship.. It was constant, exciting, and we were always both satisfied.
Odd situation I know... You would think it would be me pushing her away since she had the affair... I do still love her and want it to work.. but it seems like since she said she doesn't love me anymore.. That it's all up to me to get her back... I don't know if those small steps she has made actually mean anything for us.. The only positive I'm holding on to is that she is no longer talking divorce.
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post #2 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 09:21 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

I think it's possible, but unlikely.
I'm also thinking that a separation is doom for the marriage, which is almost surely gone anyway.
If she leaves, she won't be back for a couple or a few years.
I do think that with this much history with her, it's likely that in a few years, she will probably want to return--- you'll have moved on. She may very well have found someone else in those years as well.

The one thing you should do is stop freaking caring, stop pursuing, stop letting her know you want her sexually. That guarantees you won't get any.
This will do two things: if you don't care anymore, you can move on easier if you divorce.
it will also serve the possibility of building her attraction for you once she can tell you DGAF and she doesn''t feel any pressure. In time, she may see your good qualities again and fall back in love with you. I do think that can happen, it's just that most guys (like me) can't just stop caring and move on in their mind. But I truly think that's what you have to do to have any hope of fixing this. People are weird. Chase them and they'll run. Run away and they'll chase. It's stupid, but that's how it works.
GOod luck. I personally think she's just using you because you provide a stable environment before she leaves.
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post #3 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 09:23 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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post #4 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 09:30 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

I haven't followed your threads, but how do you know she isn't having a physical affair? Generally, when sex stops suddenly it means that the spouse is getting it elsewhere.
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post #5 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 09:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
I haven't followed your threads, but how do you know she isn't having a physical affair? Generally, when sex stops suddenly it means that the spouse is getting it elsewhere.
based on the texts ive read... they were set to "finally" meet up for the first time just a few days after when i discovered them... she said since then he has been giving her the cold shoulder.. (out of fear that I will cause him to lose his job) which i found to be true when i was able to get back on her phone.. lots of messages from her (all work related) and barely anything from him.. just an occasional "thanks" after every 3-4 from her... and they were worried about being seen by people from work when they were meeting.. which to me means there was no flirting or inappropriate conversations/activities while at work... the affair was strictly through text..... oh and her idea for separation is to have 1-2 date nights per week

Last edited by allnamesaretaken; 12-01-2016 at 10:00 AM. Reason: missing info
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post #6 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 09:46 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

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Originally Posted by allnamesaretaken View Post
She still claims to only feel like we are friends now but is willing to try and get it back...
I guess what I'm asking is... Should I see these small steps as hope? Is her head still stuck in the affair?
Regardless of what your problems are/were, as long as BOTH of you are willing to work on things THAT is what is important. Expect things to take a year or more to begin to show significant results, as a great deal of personal development is needed for the two of you that will continue to make things feel uncomfortable for quite a while as you each resist the needed changes you will have to make to move forwards.

Personal changes might include that understanding what you need to feel loved is something that hurts the relationship and originates from a lack of self confidence. Then you have to work on your self confidence and come to terms that if your wife does not "feel loving" towards you but is willing to work on it, that her doing that should be more than enough to work with. You also need to resist the urge to prove how much you love her, but instead build your self confidence, help her work on building hers, and then work mostly on just trying to find things that are fun to do together. These "fun things" can include remodeling part of the house to give the gesture that you care about your home that the two of you have built together.

One other neat thing to do is to try and find ways to help promote personal change and personal growth. One notable business man did this by wearing his watch on the opposite wrist to serve as a constant reminder to try and start doing things differently and to try new things. I have personally found that the experience of staying at a nice hotel while on vacation is reinvigorating, mostly because everything "smells" different. You can accomplish this same effect in your own home by changing every brand of soap and detergent to a new one that you have never tried before. Each time you buy deodorant, change brands. Each time you buy shampoo, change brands. Each time you buy fabric softener, change brands. Each time you buy bath soap, change brands. The next thing you know, each day will have a new and fresh smell, which will help things feel new and put you in the frame of mind that you are putting old bad habits and the rut your marriage was in behind you.

Hope that helps,
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post #7 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

I think it's really dependent on how much the person it willing to deal with. From what I have read though, I'm not sure there is much left to salvage and whether you can trust her that something like this won't happen again.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #8 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 10:09 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

This is not so much about her, as it about you. About you doing what's needed to get what you want, not her deciding what you'll get.

This is for you... No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover

Hold on to Your NUTs, Wayne M. Levine


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post #9 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 10:14 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

let me get this straights , she has the affair, gives you a lot of crap and now she gets to make the rules....screw that...this is when you put your foot down and tell her how it will work of she can move out for good.
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post #10 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 10:23 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by allnamesaretaken View Post
So I wrote a detailed explanation of everything that's going on under another thread... But for this one I'm going to ask more specific questions to hopefully get more specific answers.. Is it possible for intimacy to come back after a serious arguement and an EA? We argued and some harsh things were said.. and my wife shut down emotionally and physically.. Well not physically at first.. Sex continued for a few weeks after the arguement then hit a sudden stop... That's when I found out about the EA... This was about 4 months ago... At first it was so bad I couldn't even touch her.. Even a hand on her shoulder would cause her to flinch...
Since then the touching has improved %100... We began sleeping in the same bed again... At first she would wear a shirt... Then she went back to sleeping nude.. Although I'm still "not allowed" to see her uncovered... And also she isn't comfortable kissing yet...
She gave me the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and brought up divorce between the arguement and me finding out about her EA.. Once I found out she kind of changed her tune.. At least with the divorce part.. She still claims to only feel like we are friends now but is willing to try and get it back...
I guess what I'm asking is... Should I see these small steps as hope? Is her head still stuck in the affair? Should I press her to change her job if it's going to work (the affair was with her boss)? And is it possible for intimacy to return once a woman feels this way? Also.. Do you see space/separation being beneficial? During the arguement she went on about how she doesn't know who she is and wants time alone... Any chance that is sincere or is it just an excuse to try and get away with cheating?
For what it's worth we are highschool sweethearts.. Started dating at 15.. Dated for 8 years and have been married for an additional 3... Also sex has always been a strong part of our relationship.. It was constant, exciting, and we were always both satisfied.
Odd situation I know... You would think it would be me pushing her away since she had the affair... I do still love her and want it to work.. but it seems like since she said she doesn't love me anymore.. That it's all up to me to get her back... I don't know if those small steps she has made actually mean anything for us.. The only positive I'm holding on to is that she is no longer talking divorce.
What are you two doing to improve the marriage? Have you read His Needs Her Needs together? Have you filled out the Emotional Needs and Love Busters questionnaires so that you both know how to please the other and what bad things to avoid? Are you spending 10 to 15 hours a week together doing the things you did when you were dating? Are you having a 'state of the marriage' meeting every month to safely discuss how it's going and how it can be improved? Have you apologized for what you said and asked her how you can make up for it? Do you brag about her to other people? Do you talk regularly about everything under the sun, so that you get to know each other better (the new, adult versions)?

There are many ways to come back to that point. But it takes work.
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post #11 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 10:24 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Let me understand this. You and your wife have a bad relationship. You are bullying and she shuts down and cheats and lies to you. Why are you asking about intimacy when there are other major issues to resolve.

You need to get this through your head - your wife was about to fvck another man who is married . who has a baby on the way. So lets leave aside for the time being what kind of man the POSOM is, and lets focus on WHAT THE HELL KIND OF WOMAN IS YOUR WIFE ? She was willing to not only decimate her marriage but that of a young couple with a kid on the way!!!!! Do you want to stay married to someone like this ?!?!?!?

She has demonstrated a complete lack of morals leave alone deceitfulness, disrespect, cheating etc

And I really, really hope that you have told the poor OMW!

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #12 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 10:27 AM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

You'll get better advice if you stick with one thread.
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post #13 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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You'll get better advice if you stick with one thread.
In the other thread I may have put too much out there.. there was too much to respond to and the few pieces I wanted addressed were being overlooked
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post #14 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 12:31 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

I don't think your wife wants a separation for the purpose of rebuilding the relationship---- NOBODY wants to do that.

Women want a "separation" and "date night" for only one reason: to cake eat. Yes, She'll be looking or finding other men a few days a week, spending an evening with you for conscience purposes. The dates with you will begin to get cancelled until they no longer happen, and you'll see the other man around more and more. Very simple.

You really need to realize that once a woman falls out of love--- it's unlikely it's coming back.
You're way better off divorcing her. File now. Don't wait, that's self-destructive. Get on with your life without her and with someone else that has respect and love for you. Does that sound all that bad? Surely not.

Living with a woman that won't have sex with you, doesn't love you, and surely doesn't respect you--- yeah, that sounds BAD.

Bite the bullet and divorce her. You can always change your mind before or after the divorce. But you won't, because she won't.
Sorry,
It's the way things are. Accept it. You'll be better off.
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post #15 of 105 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 03:58 PM
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Re: Its me again! Wife had EA and no longer wants sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
I haven't followed your threads, but how do you know she isn't having a physical affair? Generally, when sex stops suddenly it means that the spouse is getting it elsewhere.
This unfortunately is very true
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