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Wife lied about wanting oral sex

13K views 61 replies 28 participants last post by  Dannip 
#1 ·
Ok folks, I'm looking to get some advice on a rather difficult situation I've found myself in. So my wife and I have den married since 2010, we met in 2004 and we're both in our early thirties. From the start of our relationship I had always been very clear with her that I enjoy giving oral sex. She was always ok with it and early on seemed to enjoy it, but soon she was never excited about it and would only participate if I brought it up. As the years went by more and more she has refused to let me perform oral on her, and the times she did, it was for mere minutes at a time ... about a year ago after fighting about this issue she reveals to me that she has never enjoyed receiving oral sex, she does not like the feeling and is uncomfortable with how it makes her feel self conscious despite the fact that I tell her how much I enjoy her and her body. I'm feeling trapped, tricked into a marriage with a sex life I did not want. I voiced these concerns and she had nothing to offer...what do I do?
 
#25 · (Edited)
Not necessarily - because of the newness factor, she may have been more aroused easier and it felt OK then, and helped override some of her hangups about it. Plus doing the same thing over and over gets boring. His technigue may not be right for her - as pointed out by others. Lots of factors could be contributing to this

The OP said "She was always ok with it and early on seemed to enjoy it, but soon she was never excited about it and would only participate if I brought it up. As the years went by more and more she has refused to let me perform oral on her, and the times she did, it was for mere minutes at a time ..."

They were apparently together 6 years before they married. Was "soon" after the marriage or before?

He then writes - "about a year ago after fighting about this issue she reveals to me that she has never enjoyed receiving oral sex, she does not like the feeling and is uncomfortable with how it makes her feel self conscious despite the fact that I tell her how much I enjoy her and her body"

Just cause she said she never enjoyed it - does not mean NEVER - especially given that they were fighting about it. She could have enjoyed it at first. Its typical in fights to use phrases never, always, etc. - and usually those qualifiers are inaccurate.

And also - things change - what may have felt Ok for awhile - can all of a sudden not feel all that good later for many reasons.

Oral sex is usually performed on woman to give them pleasure - and its a side benefit if it also gives the man pleasure. Unless oral sex is a fetish he needs to perform to be able to enjoy sex, I don't really understand why he is so upset? If it's not something he needs to do - and everything else is good in the marriage - then perhaps it would be more productive for him to move on finding other things that do give her pleasure instead of staying angry and trying to get her to submit to something she says does not feel good to her.
 
#4 ·
Would you enjoy giving her oral sex because you enjoy the actual act (oral) or because you get enjoyment from giving her pleasure?

If it's the former, then just ask her to lay there bored and motionless, and tell her to tell you when it's uncomfortable or painful for her.

If it's the latter, then find something else she finds pleasurable, and do that instead.

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#6 ·
Focus on what your W does like and make the best of that you can.

Just a note, I have noticed with my W that the more aroused she becomes the "no holes" barred it gets. Perhaps getting your W completely and utterly aroused to the point where 2 minutes of oral takes care of her business and satisfies you is something to try.

Also, tastes(no pun) change over the years. My W was not really into anal play and as of late she is exploring it to the degree that is turns her on. Married 21 years and just getting around to a change or two in sexual tastes.
 
#7 ·
You won't be the first nor the last person married under false pretense...you were basically sold a bill of goods...she lied....she flat out lied to get you to marry her. so the ball is in your court...now you could tell her that since she lied to you that you do not trust her. and she what she says....you could also say that you have decided to divorce based on her lying...and see what she says or you can tell her that you want permission to get your oral needs else where since she lied to get married to you...and again see what she says.
 
#8 ·
DRAMATIZATION:

I am a very proud waffle chef from Belgium. I pride myself in gluten free waffles and when I met my wife, she claimed that she really really really really enjoyed them so we married. She first learned about about my famous waffles back in 2004, but sadly today in 2016 she is no longer able to repetitively enjoy them anymore. I keep cooking her my famous waffles, but they are now piling up all over the freaking house. I feel like she is a complete fraud and lied to me now for over ten years about loving my waffles so much. I don't even know who I am any more, or why somebody would do something so horrible to me.

REALIZATION:

Just maybe I am going to try and make her a crepe with ham and swiss, but learning something new makes me feel vulnerable. My wife seems really excited that I am going to try this for her!

Badsanta
 
#9 ·
Did you have children together?
Maybe she's gone self conscious since things changed.

How long do you want to perform oral for?
30 minutes, 60 minutes?
How do you know that she's really enjoying it?
How do you know that your technique is really good and is giving her a pleasurable experience?

Are you looking at it on porn and trying to copy that technique?


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#11 ·
All excellent questions. Specifically how do you know she actually enjoys it? Some will perform acts to satisfy their partner and claim it was great but not really caring for it.
 
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#10 ·
she does not like the feeling and is uncomfortable with how it makes her feel self conscious despite the fact that I tell her how much I enjoy her and her body.
Try again right after bathing together or applying coconut oil or lick-able lube (or chocolate). Not so much for your benefit but to give her confidence that it tastes and smells nice. Most heterosexual women do not know what it is like to be that close to our bits so it is common to worry and feel self-conscious about it.

Check your technique and try a few different things - what one woman finds amazing another woman does not. It took years for me to like it but only when I taught him what I do like, and only then after we practiced different things.

You can buy sex toys that simulate oral. She may want to experiment on her own to find out what she likes and help you to copy. There is one that simulates sucking and another with various speeds that feel like licking.
 
#17 ·
MIM,

Did your W lie to you about achieving orgasm when you gave her oral?

Did your W like getting oral from someone else?

Is your W able to orgasm in other ways?

I think the answers to the first two questions will help you to decide to stay in the marriage or not.

Tamat
 
#21 · (Edited)
@MarriedInMaine - when you do oral do you use something inside her like a glass dildo or a rotating vibrator?. I discovered that I enjoyed oral a lot more if my gspot is stimulated at the same time.

I suspect the reason why it is so important to you is because in the early days she was faking how good it was and in turn that made you feel highly aroused. You could always start from scratch and learn something new that really does it for her and learn to be aroused by that. Rather than being annoyed at her you could see it as a new opportunity to try different things. Agree to be strictly honest with each other from now on. Have a talk with her in a fun way and see if there is anything she has been wanting to try. With sex the options are endless.
 
#23 · (Edited)
Oral sex is interesting, in that there absolutely are 'wrong' ways to do it, which heavily depends on the receiver.

It took my wife years to tell me I was 'too sloppy'. Up to that point, it still worked for her, but nonetheless, I wasn't doing it the right way - for her. It also took ME years to tell her SHE wasn't doing it the way I liked it - even though it 'worked'. Since telling her this, it now takes less than 2 minutes to finish this way, as opposed to the 4 or 5 (or longer) it used to. Win-win.

My ex wife had a hyper-sensitive clit, as in, touching it directly caused pain. It probably took her about a year to actually tell me that. Up to that point, she just quietly suffered, I guess.

Point is, many people think there's something wrong with them if their partner are doing things the normal way, yet it doesn't work for them. In my case, my wife's oral skills were right out of a porn movie - that's what it looked like. I'm sure it worked just fine for other people, so why not me? In her case, she didn't get much oral sex from previous partners, and now she was getting plenty from me, so she probably felt bad complaining. With my ex wife, she probably didn't want to feel like she was broken.

Furthermore, as already mentioned by someone else in this thread, oral sex for women is best enjoyed after being sufficiently turned on. Going straight for the clit isn't recommended. There are still times when I jump the gun with my wife, and she lets me know. Not only that, but inhibitions (for example, body image issues) tend to go out the window once one is highly turned on.

Unlike men, women don't generally get sufficiently turned on as quickly as we do. It takes us seconds to get hard, and we're good to go, that's all we need. It's a slower process for women (a lot of it mental, too), not just in terms of being ready for intercourse, but also for direct clitoral stimulation.
 
#26 ·
Also when we are young and inexperienced we don't often know what is good and what is meh because we don't have a great deal to compare it with. There is also (as with men too) an element of getting pleasure from pleasing. So we may not be really into a particular sex act but the idea that this is erotic for our partner is enough to make us think we enjoy it. Then as time goes on it gets boring and we need something new.
 
#27 ·
Quite frankly - sometimes I like oral and sometimes I don't. It definitely does not feel as good as it did when we first started doing it - when it was new and exciting. Now, I have to be aroused first for it to feel good - and even then sometimes it still doesn't feel good. And yet - other times, it feels fantastic.

We went through a period where my husband thought giving me oral sex should be foreplay. I had a hard time getting him to understand that it does not work that way for me. It may work that way for him - either giving or getting oral usually turns him on quickly. That's the problem a lot of times - its hard to see past what we experience ourselves which makes it hard to understand what the other may be experiencing.

Bottom line though - if something you are doing clearly does not feel good to your spouse - don't keep doing it! It's just that simple. But it's OK to revisit it now and then (cautiously) - because things do change!!!
 
#28 ·
I enjoy pleasing my wife, but if I like doing something that she does not, I'd give it up - sadly, but I would. It is more important if something is lacking that one of us really needs to enjoy sex. To reverse your situation, if she loved oral but I hated to do it, we'd have a problem. I suggest you focus on pleasing her in other ways that she does like - if that doesn't work for you though, then you don't have any good options but to move on.

My (ex) wife lied about wanting sex. That was a real deal breaker, but it took time to reach the point of giving up all hope and leaving.
 
#37 ·
It's been a while but he went to a very well known tattoo/piercing place where we live. IIRC, they also said his areola skin was too thin??? They didn't flat out say they couldn't do it but they said it wasn't going to come out the way he wanted it to. So he dropped it. I couldn't convince him to get a ladder ;)

Eta : why did you pull it out? Did the piercing close correctly?

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#38 ·
It was good to go for years. They are expressly prohibited by the military, and I had to go through a tattoo inspection, which was an annual thing, so I took it out. When I went to put it back in a couple of hours later, it had closed up on me.

I probably could have forced it in. It wouldn't have been the first time. However, my son had just turned 5, and I was getting to the point where I didn't really want to have to explain to him why I had a ring in my nipple.
 
#44 ·
I love cooking and creating / adapting recipes of my own. Some years back I created a really good vegetarian casserole, which my SO loved so much that he talked me into making it several times a week, which I did to please him... After a while, though, I became so thoroughly sick of that dish, that even thinking about it now conjures up images of it and makes me feel queasy...

I didn't trick my SO by agreeing to make that dish so often, and he certainly doesn't feel trapped in a casserole-free relationship, because it's so rarely on the menu these days. We prefer to cook food that we can BOTH enjoy and, let's face it, there are so many interesting recipes out there - why stick to one particular dish?

(PS This post isn't really about food....)
 
#45 ·
it is surprisingly common for a woman to NOT want oral sex. Sometimes they do not like the feeling. sometimes the feeling is TOO intense for them. Sometimes they are afraid of their smell/taste. Some are just grossed out in general.

sorry, but that is the way it is. Maybe she THOUGHT she would like it, but after many times stopped liking it. People do change/grow over time.
So...find something else to do. How about some nice breast bondage???
 
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