I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.
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Old 12-08-2011, 07:16 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

The tables have really started to turn in the few days since I first joined this forum. Some of you may already know from my intro thread below "his rejection has shattered my confidence," my husband and I have been together just shy of 4 years. In those 4 years I have always had the higher sex drive and I have always been the one asking for (and getting turned down for) sex. Besides that, there have also been issues with my husband refusing to acknowledge my attempts to dress up for him but then complimenting his female co-workers on their appearances. As well as issues with him being very disconnected from me during sex, basically making me feel like a piece of meat and not in a good way.

My husband requested sex from me 3 nights ago and I *for the very first time in our entire 4 years* told him no.
To me that was crazy enough- I didn't think after being rejected that he would ever bother to ask again. I mean, he is the type to get pissy when he doesn't get his way which is part of the reason I've never rejected him before...that and I love him so I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Today he again (only three days since his last attempt- he has only a handful of times ever requested sex twice in the same week!) requested sex and I again *for the second time in our entire marriage* told him no.

I can't believe he actually asked me- he almost never asks me for sex!
And even more so...I can't believe I said no.

On the one hand, I feel strong, like, I don't have to take his withholding of affection anymore.
On the other hand, I feel scared, like, what if I'm just poking the bear and making him angry?

He is acting angry, but when I ask him about how he's feeling he says he has no right to be angry after all that he has put me through (so he is finally acknowledging the hurt he has caused- thats progress!)

All the while the above is going on, we are planning this month's date night to be different than our usual monthly date night. I usually get a sitter, then he takes me to a family friendly resturant, afterwards we might go see a movie. This month, he is responsible for arranging a babysitter (usually my responsibility but we've discussed him showing more effort in our marriage). And instead of doing the "usual routine", we are instead going to go out (possibly with a group of married friends or possibly by ourselves, that is still undecided) to a bar or a club- somewhere that my husband can get a few drinks in him and I can dance.
My husband doesn't know it because I'm hoping to surprise him but I already got an AWESOME dress.

Now, I'm not really sure what the next step is....I'm honestly shocked at how he's come to me twice for sex in one week, and even more shocked at myself for not agreeing to let him use me as a masturbation tool anymore...so I guess maybe the next step is reconnecting so that the desire for sex is mutual?
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Old 12-08-2011, 07:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

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Originally Posted by UnwantedWife View Post
The tables have really started to turn in the few days since I first joined this forum. Some of you may already know from my intro thread below "his rejection has shattered my confidence," my husband and I have been together just shy of 4 years. In those 4 years I have always had the higher sex drive and I have always been the one asking for (and getting turned down for) sex. Besides that, there have also been issues with my husband refusing to acknowledge my attempts to dress up for him but then complimenting his female co-workers on their appearances. As well as issues with him being very disconnected from me during sex, basically making me feel like a piece of meat and not in a good way.

My husband requested sex from me 3 nights ago and I *for the very first time in our entire 4 years* told him no.
To me that was crazy enough- I didn't think after being rejected that he would ever bother to ask again. I mean, he is the type to get pissy when he doesn't get his way which is part of the reason I've never rejected him before...that and I love him so I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Today he again (only three days since his last attempt- he has only a handful of times ever requested sex twice in the same week!) requested sex and I again *for the second time in our entire marriage* told him no.

I can't believe he actually asked me- he almost never asks me for sex!
And even more so...I can't believe I said no.

On the one hand, I feel strong, like, I don't have to take his withholding of affection anymore.
On the other hand, I feel scared, like, what if I'm just poking the bear and making him angry?

He is acting angry, but when I ask him about how he's feeling he says he has no right to be angry after all that he has put me through (so he is finally acknowledging the hurt he has caused- thats progress!)

All the while the above is going on, we are planning this month's date night to be different than our usual monthly date night. I usually get a sitter, then he takes me to a family friendly resturant, afterwards we might go see a movie. This month, he is responsible for arranging a babysitter (usually my responsibility but we've discussed him showing more effort in our marriage). And instead of doing the "usual routine", we are instead going to go out (possibly with a group of married friends or possibly by ourselves, that is still undecided) to a bar or a club- somewhere that my husband can get a few drinks in him and I can dance.
My husband doesn't know it because I'm hoping to surprise him but I already got an AWESOME dress.

Now, I'm not really sure what the next step is....I'm honestly shocked at how he's come to me twice for sex in one week, and even more shocked at myself for not agreeing to let him use me as a masturbation tool anymore...so I guess maybe the next step is reconnecting so that the desire for sex is mutual?
If I were you I'd make him wait a month to send a clear message things need to change. Then reconnect.
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Old 12-08-2011, 08:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

A month seems so excessive....twice is really more than I ever thought I would do

And besides, its not like I said no to purposefully hurt him
I just said no because I didn't feel in the mood, I didn't feel comfortable

I figured once he made some effort and once we reconnected alittle bit then I'd probably feel alot more comfortable and alot more turned on
I mean...all the times I've had sex with him when I wasn't turned on, and all the times I've gone out of my way to seduce him and get him into the mood when I was horny
Is it really too much to ask that maybe he make some efforts to seduce me for a change? To make me feel wanted?
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Old 12-08-2011, 08:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

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A month seems so excessive....twice is really more than I ever thought I would do

And besides, its not like I said no to purposefully hurt him
I just said no because I didn't feel in the mood, I didn't feel comfortable

I figured once he made some effort and once we reconnected alittle bit then I'd probably feel alot more comfortable and alot more turned on
I mean...all the times I've had sex with him when I wasn't turned on, and all the times I've gone out of my way to seduce him and get him into the mood when I was horny
Is it really too much to ask that maybe he make some efforts to seduce me for a change? To make me feel wanted?
Do the month he'll seduce you...a month isn't going to kill either of you. What it will do is send a clear message to your husband he needs to bring his game up. Let him miss sex. It won't take long he'll start to want you so bad it'll be crazy. Have sex (tell him how awesome he is that you needed that) and repeat. you have to retrain him. Try not seducing him for a while then later when you do he'll miss that and respond positively. Trust me he wont want to do the month thing again. men are lab rats.

You have to shake things up..its easy with guys.

Last edited by Trying2figureitout; 12-08-2011 at 08:14 PM.
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Old 12-08-2011, 08:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

But I'm not trying to with hold sex to manipulate him. I'm just standing up for myself by saying no when I'm not feeling into it. I'm tired of him treating me like a substitute for his hand.

Surely there are other ways of sending the message that I need more physical affection, more desire from him WITHOUT using sex as a form of manipulation? I mean, we have been talking about the changes that need to occur...
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Old 12-08-2011, 08:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

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Originally Posted by Trying2figureitout View Post
you have to retrain him.
I really dislike the word "train" in regards to any human behavior, especially my husband's.
He's a human being whom I respect, I'm not teaching him to stop barking at the doorbell, I'm simply asking for what I deserve in my marriage- a partner who respects and desires me as much as I respect and desire him.
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Old 12-08-2011, 08:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

When you have sex with him tell him what you want. If he refuses tell him to maturbate with his hands you veja is no longer available for that service. What do you mean he can't wait a month! He has made you feel like nothing for yrs and you think he can not endure a month.

You are still being a doormat. You are coming along nicely. You are without bounderies and that is why you let yourself be treated like this. You ate mistaken a Boundary is not manipulation it is setting a line in the sand this is what you will accept. He is free to do as he pleases. You have no control over him just you. If you live without B you become a doormat.

Who told you with holding sex was manipulation? That what men say but in some cases it is all you can to protect you self esteem. He cannot have sex with you if he cannot give you what you need. He has no incentive to change, you give him what he chooses not to give you. Put B in place now- you decide what you will accept. It is reasonable to tell him that you are willing to have sex with him when he is ready to make the experience mutually enjoyable. If not you will wait until he is ready. Don't waver in this be strong or you will never regain your self esteem.

Why you put up with this humiliating situation with him is a mystery.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 12-08-2011 at 08:34 PM.
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Old 12-08-2011, 08:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

I know I've been abit of a doormat and yes, it was humiliating to come to him in lingerie and be told "no" for no reason, the same as it was humiliating to find emails where he complimented women who I know and associate with on their appearances when I can not remember a single time in our marriage he has done so to me without some form of prompting, and it was also humiliating to lay next to him in bed and beg him to let me give him a BJ just in the slim hopes that it might turn him on enough to have sex with me for the first time in two weeks

That said...I'm not out for revenge, I'm not trying to stoop to his levels or humiliate him
I can't be certain but I believe his behaviors to have been thoughtless and careless, rather than cruel in intent- and as such I do not wish to be cruel to him, simply to bring to light his carelessness so that he can correct it [finally]

Its not as if he has ever gone out of his way to insult me and he has never lacked in any other area of our marriage- he is an excellent father to our children, he works hard to provide for our family, and at the end of the day he still likes to sit around and talk with me....he just has become more of a roommate (albeit an excellent roommate) rather than a husband and I'd like to get back to the way it should be between a man and his wife
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Old 12-08-2011, 09:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

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Originally Posted by UnwantedWife View Post
I really dislike the word "train" in regards to any human behavior, especially my husband's.
He's a human being whom I respect, I'm not teaching him to stop barking at the doorbell, I'm simply asking for what I deserve in my marriage- a partner who respects and desires me as much as I respect and desire him.
You are training "asking" is just a nice way of putting it.

Quit being PR

I'm training my wife to have sex with me.
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Old 12-08-2011, 09:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnwantedWife View Post
The tables have really started to turn in the few days since I first joined this forum. Some of you may already know from my intro thread below "his rejection has shattered my confidence," my husband and I have been together just shy of 4 years. In those 4 years I have always had the higher sex drive and I have always been the one asking for (and getting turned down for) sex. Besides that, there have also been issues with my husband refusing to acknowledge my attempts to dress up for him but then complimenting his female co-workers on their appearances. As well as issues with him being very disconnected from me during sex, basically making me feel like a piece of meat and not in a good way.

My husband requested sex from me 3 nights ago and I *for the very first time in our entire 4 years* told him no.
To me that was crazy enough- I didn't think after being rejected that he would ever bother to ask again. I mean, he is the type to get pissy when he doesn't get his way which is part of the reason I've never rejected him before...that and I love him so I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Today he again (only three days since his last attempt- he has only a handful of times ever requested sex twice in the same week!) requested sex and I again *for the second time in our entire marriage* told him no.

I can't believe he actually asked me- he almost never asks me for sex!
And even more so...I can't believe I said no.

On the one hand, I feel strong, like, I don't have to take his withholding of affection anymore.
On the other hand, I feel scared, like, what if I'm just poking the bear and making him angry?

He is acting angry, but when I ask him about how he's feeling he says he has no right to be angry after all that he has put me through (so he is finally acknowledging the hurt he has caused- thats progress!)

All the while the above is going on, we are planning this month's date night to be different than our usual monthly date night. I usually get a sitter, then he takes me to a family friendly resturant, afterwards we might go see a movie. This month, he is responsible for arranging a babysitter (usually my responsibility but we've discussed him showing more effort in our marriage). And instead of doing the "usual routine", we are instead going to go out (possibly with a group of married friends or possibly by ourselves, that is still undecided) to a bar or a club- somewhere that my husband can get a few drinks in him and I can dance.
My husband doesn't know it because I'm hoping to surprise him but I already got an AWESOME dress.

Now, I'm not really sure what the next step is....I'm honestly shocked at how he's come to me twice for sex in one week, and even more shocked at myself for not agreeing to let him use me as a masturbation tool anymore...so I guess maybe the next step is reconnecting so that the desire for sex is mutual?
unwantedwife,

FANTASTIC!

You stood up for yourself. You were awesome!

You are right, no need to stoop to his level, "we reap what we sow" (Neagtive behavior projected, recieves negative bahavior in return)

You planted a seed with him, now water it and let it grow.
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“Conflict is inevitable, combat is optional.”
Warmly,
RDJ
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Old 12-09-2011, 12:09 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

I would love it if my wife rejects me more, gives me a challenge. It's even better when she throws in a tease too, makes me go animalistic. To be honest I lose the mood whenever she just jumps on me too soon.
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Old 12-09-2011, 03:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

I gotta be honest...I'm more than alittle surprised at the advice I'm getting here. I'm not saying its bad advice and I'm not trying to insult anyone. I appreciate all your input. I'm just caught off guard because I never thought of these things in this way so I didn't expect other people to tell me what you all are telling me to do.

At this point though, I know I need to try something radical.
What was the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I've tried every way I know of to appeal to my husband, to treat him well and hope that he is inspired to do the same for me in return. I've done that for a very long time now and it hasn't worked. I'm ready to try something new, something different...even though its pushing me out of my comfort zone, and even though I would normally view the things I'm doing as wrong, I'm still trying. Because...I don't know what else to try. Nothing else worked.
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Old 12-09-2011, 03:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

I dont think you are an 'unwanted wife' at all. You seem to have it right not to go overboard punishing him. Yes the next step is reconnecting. Just see if he has learned his lesson. No need yet for drastic steps.
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Old 12-09-2011, 03:41 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

Your previous post was at the same time as mine. Youve already done something 'radical' first see if its worked before following on.
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Old 12-09-2011, 03:42 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I said "no" when my husband came to me for sex.

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I would love it if my wife rejects me more, gives me a challenge. It's even better when she throws in a tease too, makes me go animalistic. To be honest I lose the mood whenever she just jumps on me too soon.

^ another thing that has caught me off guard,
I have NEVER heard a man express this sentiment before
I usually hear men complain that they get rejected too much...
in fact, until recently (these past 6 months) I was the only woman I knew of who had the higher libido in her marriage. I was honestly afraid that something might be wrong with me and had even considered going to the doctor to see if they could somehow chemically lower my libido, the way they do for some sex addicts. My husband however told me not to attempt to lower my sex drive by way of medications. He said it sounded like a bad idea, and in hindsight I suppose he was right.
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