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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 12-21-2011, 03:15 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: The 3 day rule

I have this same "rule" for myself. It's more a mental thing and not hard-and-fast. Basically, I try not to let more than 2-3 days go by without sex. There are times when this rule slides - stress, life, kids - things get in the way. But I try to stick to it. Hubby knows about it, and he loves it. lol Overall, I'd say this works for us.
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Old 12-22-2011, 04:53 PM   #32 (permalink)
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HN,
This is perfectly healthy. It is important however that you an accurate compass for who really was out of line when you have conflict. Otherwise as the LD spouse you are basically creating a situation where your HD partner has to apologize even when they are the injured partner - or go celibate. And that is not nice.

BTW - I have read some of your recent posts. You get serious props for making the effort to please your partner. I hope he realizes that it is a BIG thing when a LD partner makes the efforts that you do. I hope he is gradually learning to make the overall experience more positive for you. And that he goes the extra mile for you outside the bedroom, as you clearly do inside the bedroom.

On a related note I am going to guess that he is a good guy. The "tone" of your posts seems to have shifted in the last year or so. You seem to have moved from seeing mostly the side of the LD spouse to what appears to be a much more moderate "see both sides to it" posture.

Of course I might be wrong. Perhaps it is that I have moved more towards the middle and am not more sympathetic to LD partners.

Either way happy holidays.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HelloooNurse View Post
Once in 3 days is definitely bareable. I think I could put up with that. But if there has been an argument that has not been resolved, and the 3rd day comes, then that is a shame. He gets no sex that day. I don't bone people that p1ss me off, I have too much self respect for that. But other than arguments or sickness I think I could put up with a 3 day thing. Any more than that would be pushing it.
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Old 12-22-2011, 07:57 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by HelloooNurse View Post
. I don't bone people that p1ss me off, I have too much self respect for that. But other than arguments or sickness I think I could put up with a 3 day thing. Any more than that would be pushing it.
Nurse: that's the whole point for goodness sakes! There is always a reason not to have sex. There will always be kids around. There will always be something going on. There will always be an argument. Do you want to bone your H or not?

SEriously, who are the adults? Aren't you and your husband supposed to be the leaders? why put the kids before your spouse?

It is not that complicated. Put your kids in their rooms or cribs for 15 mintutes and have sex. Your kids will be fine. It's just 15 minutes. If you make your kids a higher priority than your spouse you will find yourself being a divorced person
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Old 12-28-2011, 03:34 PM   #34 (permalink)
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What happens when she's on her period? Hubby won 't come near me when I'm on mine.
My husband for some odd reason would always want me when I was on my period before I had a hysterectomy. I've heard that men have a higher drive for thier partners when thier partner is ovulating. Every child we have was concieved during a period, usually the end of it. My husband was definatly not turned off by the period, he would just lay towels out. He would tell me he would me with my cramps,LOL!

All not an issue now that I don't have periods
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Old 01-07-2012, 10:26 AM   #35 (permalink)
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I'm new here -- thought I'd jump in. This thread is very interesting to me. My wife and I do something very similar. Our usual pattern is every other night, with the understanding that it's no big deal if this slides to every third night, but it takes a good reason to go beyond this -- i.e. it's rare for us to go beyond 3 days. We don't think of this as a "rule" -- it's more like a goal that we both share.

For us it never feels like a chore -- it's more like a "rhythm" within our marriage that helps keep us on track and very connected.

One aspect that I don't think others have commented on...
For us, we enjoy knowing and anticipating ahead of time which nights we're going to have sex and which nights we're NOT going to, and we enjoy BOTH. So for example, last night we did, so tonight we know it's an "off" night when we can focus on being cozy and affectionate without the expectation of sex.

Someone else posted a different approach, sex on Wed-Fri-Sun, and by coincidence we've actually tried these exact same days, and we liked it. For some reason we ended up going back to every other day, but I'm considering going back to Wed-Fri-Sun which is only slightly less than every other day. It's just a different sort of rhythm.

In our marriage, I'm the driving force in terms of sexual frequency, but I like this role, especially since my wife is virtually always "game".
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Old 01-07-2012, 11:25 PM   #36 (permalink)
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i think if you are both on board with it, it can be fun. Might even be a bit of a turn on knowing that on that day three your husband is thinking about you all day knowing what's in store for that evening. have fun with it, as long as there isnt resentment if on day three one of you isnt in the mood, at least it's a solid reminder to take the time for your partner.
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Old 01-10-2012, 04:47 AM   #37 (permalink)
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Have to say that I would not be a fan of a schedule, like a previous poster has already mentioned it would seem like a chore and to me fixed rather than spontaneous.
Agree that spontaneous is best.

But, if waiting for spontaneity means that sex happens rarely (or never), isn't scheduling it far better than never having it? This board and others abound with the tales of the damage done by bad sex (or no sex) in marriage.

Or, to look at it another way, there are many things we enjoy doing that we schedule to make sure they get done - the schedule merely reflects a priority on that activity. Do you tell your good friends "well we will meet when I feel like it, and if we don't then it's no big deal - making plans is such a drag"? Or, do you make the effort to carve out some time and are grateful for the opportunity to connect?

Why should you sex life be any different (or lower priority)?
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Old 01-10-2012, 01:15 PM   #38 (permalink)
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I was under the impression that marriage leads to easy access, therefore sex at least 5 times a week was the norm.

Go figure???
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:40 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Agree that spontaneous is best.

But, if waiting for spontaneity means that sex happens rarely (or never), isn't scheduling it far better than never having it? This board and others abound with the tales of the damage done by bad sex (or no sex) in marriage.

Or, to look at it another way, there are many things we enjoy doing that we schedule to make sure they get done - the schedule merely reflects a priority on that activity. Do you tell your good friends "well we will meet when I feel like it, and if we don't then it's no big deal - making plans is such a drag"? Or, do you make the effort to carve out some time and are grateful for the opportunity to connect?

Why should you sex life be any different (or lower priority)?


sadly the sex is lower priority for so many. I think a lot of the sex deniers enjoy the power that denying the other brings.
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Old 01-16-2012, 09:57 PM   #40 (permalink)
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I like that rule. I will ask my spouse about it tonight.
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Old 01-17-2012, 12:55 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Two points I would like to make here. 1) Although it is “scheduled”, it isn’t mandatory. It is more along the lines of just keeping the idea in the forefront of the minds of both. More of a reminder to ‘show’ someone you do love them and want to be with them. As ‘life’ tends to happen and for most, at the end of the day, if you are going to give up something on your to-do list, this tends to be the most common/easiest thing to give up yet probably the most important thing we shouldn’t give up. If it were something you really valued and you as an individual thought to be really important to you, you would forego something else that was less important to you to make sure it happened. Having some guideline in place allows both people to say, without having to verbally say it, that you each are placing this as a high value item. 2) With me being the LD individual I tend to not keep this as a high priority. AND, having been married for 25+ years to a HD individual has caused many problems over the years. Though we are still in recovery, we are now closer to being on the same page as I now know without a doubt that he needs this and needs this regularly, and I NEEDED it more than I thought I did. To help us get on the road to recovery after his PA, we started out on a journey of sexual experience where it was simply agreed upon that for 14 days straight we would have some kind of sexual interaction. Sometimes it was all about him, others it was all about me and of course there were many times it was for us both. It wasn’t a chore but more of a time to explore what we wanted from the other or for the other. It was a time where the one who really wanted it didn’t have to fear they were going to be rejected because the other wasn’t in the mood, therefore not allowing the rejection to fester which in turn would usually keep the relationship from being able to move forward in a healthy way. It gave each of us permission to be sexual and allowed us to say without having to say anything that we WANTED to feel the other one. Most men tend to not really express how important touch is to them. They need it regularly it makes them feel needed. And most women find it hard to admit that touch is necessary and it makes them feel loved. With our commitment, it made it almost impossible to not continue with a more regulated/regular sex life afterward (now 16 months since D-day). Everything seems off now when we go more than a few days without having some kind of sexual contact with the other. Is this for everyone? Absolutely NOT! But if you are trying to get back to connecting with someone you love, why not try some version that works for you and your partner?
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Old 01-21-2012, 11:15 PM   #42 (permalink)
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I think this is very wise. with life and kids, and work schedules, it actually make you anticipate the night with your beloved.....yum..yum
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Old 01-21-2012, 11:18 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueskies30 View Post
My husband for some odd reason would always want me when I was on my period before I had a hysterectomy. I've heard that men have a higher drive for thier partners when thier partner is ovulating. Every child we have was concieved during a period, usually the end of it. My husband was definatly not turned off by the period, he would just lay towels out. He would tell me he would me with my cramps,LOL!

All not an issue now that I don't have periods
you must ovulate quickly after your period! When a woman is bleeding, it's because the body is releasing the tissue that could have held an embryo...but the egg (usually released 2 weeks before) wasn't fertilized.
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Old 01-22-2012, 12:45 AM   #44 (permalink)
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We are both so very busy and stressed due to each of us working on and trying to make money in our own respective business that if we didn't schedule sex we would NEVER have it.
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Old 01-23-2012, 07:45 AM   #45 (permalink)
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In my marriage, three days would not fly. It was once a day minimum. Just part of what we did. Very clear expectation. I didn't mind either.
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