Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 485Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #151 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 11:18 AM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 5,597
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
See, I think it is sad that your beautiful, sexy wife, and the thought of her, is not enough.

So, to be honest, let's just admit that we'd like to have sex with lots of other people than our significant others. Porn allows this in a virtual, vicarious sense.

If "visual stimulation" is needed, plain and simple; what did men do 150 years ago? [I picked 150 years because I don't think it would be possible for 95% + men to have access to pornography at that point.]


They were probably so exhausted from working, and had so little free time, and very few options for leisure time activities---that the need for visual stimulation beyond their wife probably didn't enter their minds. {the very wealthy and powerful have always been exceptions}

IOW, the "need" for porn, is a created need. It isn't a need at all.


It doesn't matter. Like I've already said, human beings are attracted to people other than their spouse.

Thoughts of those people are probably gonna come up if you masturbate; at least sometimes.

Pornography takes this weakness in marriage; and exploits it a million fold. And in doing so creates some of the nastiest, cruelest, sickest behavior---- to satiate the ever increasing "need" for stimulation and variety.


And I know we're never going back. It's probably going to get much worse from the point of view of someone like me.


You're on the winning side Ellis, congratulations.
You lost me on the bolded, why am I on the winning side

As far as the being sad part, have you never heard someone say they couldn't orgasm or they just couldn't get into sex b/c their mind just wasn't in it (distracted)? Please tell me how that is any different. Once again, I think some of you think for a guy jerking off is a couple of strokes with a mental image, that easy. Once you start relying on mental images , just as my first point, sometimes it gets difficult to focus as other things creep into your mind (work, family, etc...). Also, I never said "visual stimulation" is needed, as if it is a must every time, you are drawing that conclusion. I said that at times it is needed where mentally it is not enough (for the same reasons as I listed out).
EllisRedding is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #152 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 11:30 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,359
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
You lost me on the bolded, why am I on the winning side

As far as the being sad part, have you never heard someone say they couldn't orgasm or they just couldn't get into sex b/c their mind just wasn't in it (distracted)? Please tell me how that is any different. Once again, I think some of you think for a guy jerking off is a couple of strokes with a mental image, that easy. Once you start relying on mental images , just as my first point, sometimes it gets difficult to focus as other things creep into your mind (work, family, etc...). Also, I never said "visual stimulation" is needed, as if it is a must every time, you are drawing that conclusion. I said that at times it is needed where mentally it is not enough (for the same reasons as I listed out).


You're on the winning side because the vast majority of society believes porn is good. Your decision to use it, is, for the most part seen as normal, masculine, healthy.

If you don't have sufficient sexual tension built up, then yes, it will be difficult to masturbate without outside stimulation.

I guess my question would be, if you're not horny enough to masturbate without porn; then can't you wait for your wife to come to bed, or until tomorrow?

I had a small toy that had a clitoral stimulator and a g-spot stimulator combined {about 3" insertable}.

It would take about 90 seconds to orgasm. No thoughts required other than, this feels great, this is amazing, boy am I sexy......done.


Try a stroker sleeve?? Or another male toy. Maybe try masturbating with just the pleasure of your own body to build and bring you to orgasm?
notmyrealname4 is offline  
post #153 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 11:49 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,484
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

So many different situations.

Some people see sex as something that adds to romance. Some see it is integrally connected to romance, can't have one without the other. Some see sex as an entitlement. Some see sex as unimportant, a random thing to do together like playing mini-golf. Some simply think sex is bad, and not part of a romantic relationship.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
I think the problem is that many men see sex as an entitlement of marriage, something separate from love, romance, nurturing, caring, support.

For many women, including myself, sex comes about as a result of those things. We do not see it as a separate entitlement. That would feel cheap and hollow to us.
uhtred is online now  
post #154 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 11:53 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,484
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

There is porn from at least 2000 years ago in ancient Greece and Rome.

In renaissance art there are a large number of statues and paintings of beautiful naked women and men.

There is a room in the Vatican with somewhat pornographic paintings by Raphael.

Its possible that the early neolithic "fat women" figures were pornographic. (or goddesses? we have no idea - no writing form that time, just carved figures of naked women).



Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
snip

If "visual stimulation" is needed, plain and simple; what did men do 150 years ago? [I picked 150 years because I don't think it would be possible for 95% + men to have access to pornography at that point.]

uhtred is online now  
post #155 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 11:58 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,484
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Is there a difference between porn and a sex toy? Is looking at an image of a person different from a device that produces a physical sensation of being with another person?

Is masturbating with a dildo modeled on some other man's penis different from masturbating while watching another woman?

To me they are all in the same category - sex toys that facilitate fantasy and masturbation.

All OK if they do not interfere with ones sex life, and not OK if they do interfere.


[quote=notmyrealname4;17161865]


SNIP

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
You're on the winning side because the vast majority of society believes porn is good. Your decision to use it, is, for the most part seen as normal, masculine, healthy.

If you don't have sufficient sexual tension built up, then yes, it will be difficult to masturbate without outside stimulation.

I guess my question would be, if you're not horny enough to masturbate without porn; then can't you wait for your wife to come to bed, or until tomorrow?

I had a small toy that had a clitoral stimulator and a g-spot stimulator combined {about 3" insertable}.

It would take about 90 seconds to orgasm. No thoughts required other than, this feels great, this is amazing, boy am I sexy......done.


Try a stroker sleeve?? Or another male toy. Maybe try masturbating with just the pleasure of your own body to build and bring you to orgasm?
uhtred is online now  
post #156 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 12:06 PM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 5,597
Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
You lost me on the bolded, why am I on the winning side

As far as the being sad part, have you never heard someone say they couldn't orgasm or they just couldn't get into sex b/c their mind just wasn't in it (distracted)? Please tell me how that is any different. Once again, I think some of you think for a guy jerking off is a couple of strokes with a mental image, that easy. Once you start relying on mental images , just as my first point, sometimes it gets difficult to focus as other things creep into your mind (work, family, etc...). Also, I never said "visual stimulation" is needed, as if it is a must every time, you are drawing that conclusion. I said that at times it is needed where mentally it is not enough (for the same reasons as I listed out).


You're on the winning side because the vast majority of society believes porn is good. Your decision to use it, is, for the most part seen as normal, masculine, healthy.

If you don't have sufficient sexual tension built up, then yes, it will be difficult to masturbate without outside stimulation.

I guess my question would be, if you're not horny enough to masturbate without porn; then can't you wait for your wife to come to bed, or until tomorrow?

I had a small toy that had a clitoral stimulator and a g-spot stimulator combined {about 3" insertable}.

It would take about 90 seconds to orgasm. No thoughts required other than, this feels great, this is amazing, boy am I sexy......done.


Try a stroker sleeve?? Or another male toy. Maybe try masturbating with just the pleasure of your own body to build and bring you to orgasm?
Couple of things. I never said I believe porn is good, healthy and masculine, so not sure why you are applying that to me as if I am a winner in this lol. I do think that there are people who can use porn in a healthy manner. I do also believe there are people who use porn in a destructive manner. People make up their own mind whether or not to use porn, who am I to judge them for that?

Also, IMO, in an ideal situation porn/masturbation would not be necessary in a relationship because the needs of both people are being met. There are people where that is definitely the case, but there are many other relationships where that is not true. Do you think you would have the need to masturbate if you and your H had a fantastic sexlife?

In terms of myself, I rarely masturbate or watch porn (my choice, although there is probably justification that I should do it more lol). As things are now relying on my W is not a good option, nor is trying to sneak around with some sort of toy in a house full of children lol.
EllisRedding is online now  
post #157 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 12:17 PM
Member
 
MrsAldi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Ireland
Posts: 3,102
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I like sex scenes in TV shows and movies, the more realistic elements.

I have looked at the stuff my husband watches and it turns me off, mostly because the women over act or don't seem to be enjoying it, some of it is just unrealistic. It feels cold and abrasive. I mean it's vanilla, just a hetero couple humping, but it just doesn't do it for me.

I don't mind my husband indulging as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life.

He watches it around every 6 weeks, so not too much at all.
Before when our sex life was lacking, he would watch it 1 or 2 times a week.


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk

We accept the love we think we deserve
~Perks of Being A Wallflower ~
MrsAldi is offline  
post #158 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 12:19 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,081
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
Word.
I'll add that I think this argument that one is so high drive they need porn is false and meant to bolster egos. If you need porn to get stimulated you're not that high drive.....you're creating an artificial drive.

Someone with a real drive could take care of themselves in the shower. True they might find porn more exciting but they don't actually need it to have an orgasm.
lifeistooshort is online now  
post #159 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 12:32 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Somewhere else...
Posts: 2,552
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Good Guy View Post
There are two types of men, the type that use porn and the type that lie about it. If a man who is married to a wonderful woman in every other way but would divorce him for watching porn, I could see how he could lie about it. As other posters said, it's not something to be proud of.

I can imagine a man with very low T might not use porn, but for the average man, who is not having sex on a regular basis, he uses porn.

All men watch porn, scientists find - Telegraph

Also if a wife won't have regular sex with her husband, and he has plenty of offers, and he uses porn, is he a bad person? I've got a friend in this situation, he's good fun, reasonably good looking and very successful, treats his wife great, uses porn regularly. Never cheated even though he's had plenty of opportunities.

He uses porn to STOP him cheating.
True, but he'd be better off either telling his wife that this is a major problem in their marriage, and either they try to fix it or end it. That's just my opinion. If someone needs to turn to porn to replace an important part of his/her relationship, that is a sad way to spend your life, imo. It's not just hurting his wife, it is actually hurting your friend, because he is deceiving himself into thinking that this will bring him happiness. Masturbating to women on a screen on a regular basis isn't something a married guy should have to do, tbh.

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
*Deidre* is offline  
post #160 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 12:35 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Somewhere else...
Posts: 2,552
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
Deidre

Do yourself a favor and ask your partner about his porn use NOW, before you two commit to hopefully, a long life together. Like I said previously, porn use is a compatibility issue just like religion and lifestyle. There are highs and lows in LTR and it's best if you and he are in agreement about this topic. Go into the marriage with as much knowledge about your partner as you possibly can. My 2 cents.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk
We were good friends for a few years prior to us dating each other, and I don't think this topic ever came up even then. I will ask him, okay. lol

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown
*Deidre* is offline  
post #161 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 12:52 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,359
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
There is porn from at least 2000 years ago in ancient Greece and Rome.

In renaissance art there are a large number of statues and paintings of beautiful naked women and men.

There is a room in the Vatican with somewhat pornographic paintings by Raphael.

Its possible that the early neolithic "fat women" figures were pornographic. (or goddesses? we have no idea - no writing form that time, just carved figures of naked women).


I knew the ancient Greek pottery and the Roman wall frescoes would get brought up eventually.

Are you seriously comparing the somewhat poor renderings of millenia old art, to 21st century streaming 24/7 porn; featuring every perversion of the imagination that you could imagine?

Did people find oil paintings of nudes mildly erotic? Probably? Sculptures of erect penises? Yes, I imagine.


I doubt they took out a subscription and had a new "dirty vase" delivered to their home every month.


But even if they did; would it be okay for them to keep doing so if it hurt their spouse's sense of self-worth and desirability?

Of course, once again, women just have to "put up" with it. I know that now.

It makes more and more sense to me that women invested their love and emotion in their children. And I can understand why you would love and value a daughter more; as a woman.
notmyrealname4 is offline  
post #162 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 01:08 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,359
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post

Porn is not the equivalent of a vibrator/d/ldo.
The equivalent of a vibrator/d/ldo....is a "male masturbator" . Link probably NSFW

Page 2 of Realistic Masturbators Adam & Eve

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post

I had a small toy that had a clitoral stimulator and a g-spot stimulator combined {about 3" insertable}.

It would take about 90 seconds to orgasm. No thoughts required other than, this feels great, this is amazing, boy am I sexy......done.


Try a stroker sleeve?? Or another male toy. Maybe try masturbating with just the pleasure of your own body to build and bring you to orgasm?


Quote:
Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Is there a difference between porn and a sex toy? Is looking at an image of a person different from a device that produces a physical sensation of being with another person?

Is masturbating with a dildo modeled on some other man's penis different from masturbating while watching another woman?

To me they are all in the same category - sex toys that facilitate fantasy and masturbation.

All OK if they do not interfere with ones sex life, and not OK if they do interfere.




I already described my reasons for believing that porn and sex toys are different. I quoted from two of my previous posts above.

Here is another quote from another post of mine upthread.


Quote:
Yes, I agree. Porn or solo use of sex toys: they are replacing a portion of your mutual sex life. For both men and women.

All I am saying is to make the equivalencies accurate
:


A man watching porn = a woman watching porn

A man using a stroker sleeve = a woman using a dildo


However,


A man using porn ≠ a woman using a dildo

A woman using porn ≠ a man using a stroker sleeve


Why is there a difference?

Because watching real people means you are getting off to real people. People that you are vicariously having sex with.

I know a lot of guys say, "I'm not getting off to the woman, I'm getting off to the sex act".


What is a sex act? Well, in this case, it's a naked woman who's not your wife, doing just about anything that you'd like to see her doing.

Your arousal, excitement, orgasm are provided by and satisfied with the images of the woman in porn.

Or think of it this way; film a porn without anyone performing sex acts. What would you have? Nothing. Sex acts and the bodies of those performing them are the same thing.

It's virtual cheating. Nothing more, nothing less.



I deliberately avoided buying a sex toy that was modeled after a porn actors penis. No thanks.

Those are my reasons and explanations. I don't know how other women feel about it.
notmyrealname4 is offline  
post #163 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 01:10 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,484
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

The Roman and Greek art was as good as they could produce at the time. I'm sure today's porn will seem pretty uninteresting by future standards " are you comparing flat non-interactive videos on a screen to 3-d AI created porn that acts out the viewers personal fantasies...."

There is straight porn, lesbian porn (for lesbian women, as well as the stuff directed at straight men), gay porn etc. I don't think there is anything particular that women have to put up with.

There is some porn whose production is abusive - I fully support getting rid of that.

There are some people who substitute porn for sex with their partners, and that is a serious problem.

There are some people who believe porn represents real life and want their partners to act that way. That is the same sort of problem as for anyone who believes various fantasies in movies represent reality and act on that belief. No, you are not going to be a rock star, serving in the military is not like a Steven Segal movie and that ex-con is not a really a misunderstood loving person who will treat you well.

All that said, I do understand that people who have experienced the above problems from porn will reasonably have very negative feelings towards it.











Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
I knew the ancient Greek pottery and the Roman wall frescoes would get brought up eventually.

Are you seriously comparing the somewhat poor renderings of millenia old art, to 21st century streaming 24/7 porn; featuring every perversion of the imagination that you could imagine?

Did people find oil paintings of nudes mildly erotic? Probably? Sculptures of erect penises? Yes, I imagine.


I doubt they took out a subscription and had a new "dirty vase" delivered to their home every month.


But even if they did; would it be okay for them to keep doing so if it hurt their spouse's sense of self-worth and desirability?

Of course, once again, women just have to "put up" with it. I know that now.

It makes more and more sense to me that women invested their love and emotion in their children. And I can understand why you would love and value a daughter more; as a woman.
uhtred is online now  
post #164 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 02:55 PM
Member
 
Daisy12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 163
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post



The way Daisy framed it, it is blame shifting. As she said, using porn could be the reason for ending the marriage in her post.

I just want to clarify that I would in no way leave my husband over his past porn use. I played a part in why he turned to it, it would be unfair to do so now. What I struggle with is rebuilding back the trust and respect for my husband because of the lies. He has not only hid the porn, he on numerous occasions lied to my face. If my marriage does not succeed it will be because,

1. He has started lying and hiding things from me again

2. I am unable to get back the trust and respect for my husband and I refuse to live always wondering if he is lying, nor would my constant doubt be fair to him.

If at some point my husband comes to me with saying he feels like he would want to watch porn every once in a while, well I think if our relationship is going well, my needs are being fulfilled and our sex life is still good I would be open to compromising.
Daisy12 is online now  
post #165 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 03:39 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 83
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
No, he's not holding back, not at all. He WANTS to. Very badly. It is very, very difficult for him to orgasm. There have been instances when I've watched him masturbate and it's taken him over an hour to climax. And it's not because I'm watching him--being watched is a turn on for him. If I hadn't been watching, he might not have climaxed at all in those instances.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
If it is not psychosomatic it is physical. Likely, some sort of neuropathy, nerve damage.

If not anxiety issues I would look at the following- medications, nerve damage, lack of semen as in way too little. If he has a lot of semen in his prostate it will want to come out. If he has to really work at it then blame nerve signaling or lack of semen. The penis needs to be hard to stimulate those nerves properly. His prostate needs looking at. Send him to a Men's Health Clinic for evaluation.

You need a good urologist and neurologist that will work together. The neurologist needs to specializes in ED issues. Do not take no or I don't know as an answer.
ulyssesheart is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I wonder how many husbands and wives have posted here together without even knowing Mr.StrongMan General Relationship Discussion 22 12-29-2016 05:49 PM
Do husbands or wives usually mention their affair partners name? Susie42 Coping with Infidelity 18 06-14-2016 04:38 PM
Betrayed husbands & wives who acted quickly upon discovery becareful Coping with Infidelity 9 04-09-2016 03:49 PM
Wives who hide their porn from husbands... Scanner Sex in Marriage 28 03-19-2016 02:00 PM
Feelings after threesome Orange_Crush Sex in Marriage 114 03-03-2016 10:43 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome