Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn - Page 13 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

User Tag List

 485Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #181 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 06:44 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 16
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
For me, I'm against porn. Always have been. And my husband has known this from verrryy early on in our relationship. Yes it makes me feel inadequate, like I'm not enough. And simply the fact that porn takes sexual tensions away without needing me makes me feel....... Unecessary for lack of a better word. Despite knowing just how crushing it is to me a few years ago I found out he's basically obsessed with it. We stopped having sex, he would get FRUSTRATED with me DURING sex, like I was competing with some invisible force I could never measure up to. 3 months ago I contacted a divorce lawyer and scared the living **** out of him.

I never deny my husband sex. If he wants it anyway, everyway, every day of the week or more Im always game. And I gladly meet his needs be it sex, BJ, HJ even without reciprocation on every occasion. We are never out of town without each other and we talk about sex and our fantasies openly and freely.

Despite this, he STILL was doing it and getting literally irritated that I couldn't physically do something a certain way.

This is why I have always been so against porn. Some people are ok with it and good for them. I'm not. I've never told him he isn't ALLOWED to look at porn, but I have told him since day ONE that I refuse to be with someone who does. I don't have to accept any behaviour that causes me intense lasting pain. Yes he's a man and men have "needs" well guess what so do I. I NEED to feel like I am enough.

Everyone who is "shocked" that a woman will divorce a man over porn should be equally as "shocked" that a man would throw his marriage away just so he can continue to beat off into a sock alone, there is no difference. I think it's pathetic and until a couple years ago my husband told me he felt the same way. Not being able to go without porn is just insane. Of course you can, it's not a literal compulsion, and humans can show self control. Then he decided to change the values I though we both shared, lie to me a million times, hide things from me, compare me, blame me, and deny me. This is his last chance, once more and I'm gone.

And no. I can't care about what others think about me and my point of view, I know what I can live with and what I can't. You may not understand it but the pain that I have been through this last little while is heavy enough to physically pick up.


I am 100% with you. My husband is in therapy for porn addiction and our marriage is hanging by a thread. Not only is porn disgusting, it is a sin. Of course not everyone will see it that way and that's okay. To each their own but you do what is best for you and your marriage. I back you completely.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
hifromme67 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #182 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 06:49 PM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 5,651
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
You are being quite the mental pit-bull about something that you have said you don't really care about because you neither watch porn or masturbate much.

It is a topic I care about. Because I have experienced quite a bit of unhappiness from it; so I'll attempt to explain myself again.

I fully stand by my statement that I think it's sad that thoughts of your beautiful, sexy wife aren't enough for you to masturbate to when [for whatever reason] she is temporarily unavailable to you.


It's also sad/depressing/disappointing, when people have partnered sex, and don't have an orgasm. It happens sometimes if they aren't feeling well-perhaps ill, perhaps tired. But we would hope that under normal circumstances, their sexual responsiveness would be restored, and that they could go back to having orgasms during partnered sex.


Are you saying that you think these two statements are equal:


You can't get off to thoughts of your wife, so you use porn when you masturbate.

---and----

Your wife is sick or tired and can't get off when having sex with you.


I don't think of them as equal. And you disagree with me. I think that is okay.






My interest in this conversation with you is in part I generally agree with much that you say, and I understand you are basing your posts on this based off of your experience, but b/c of that you are also making a lot of generalizations which is what I have been questioning.

In all fairness as well, I think it is sad that you think it is sad that you have reduced sex (masturbation or otherwise) down to something as simple as a couple mental images. As well, apparently it is ok if you use a vibrator to masturbate (b/c that is what works for you) but if another person needs visual stimulation (b/c that is what works for them) it is somehow lesser ...

Hopefully no hard feelings here, I enjoy these debates. Your logic and my logic on this just don't jive.
EllisRedding is online now  
post #183 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:02 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5,267
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Good Guy View Post
With that mindset we shouldn't watch any Hollywood movies. On my first trip to the States I was amazed there were so many ordinary, overweight and normal looking people just like back home. I was comparing Hollywood movies to the reality. Another thing struck me was how friendly and polite everyone was, exactly unlike the movies. Fantasy vs reality. If you can't tell the difference you got bigger problems.
Obviously you weren't in NYC.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
tech-novelist is offline  
post #184 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:17 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,359
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post

In all fairness as well, I think it is sad that you think it is sad that you have reduced sex (masturbation or otherwise) down to something as simple as a couple mental images. As well, apparently it is ok if you use a vibrator to masturbate (b/c that is what works for you) but if another person needs visual stimulation (b/c that is what works for them) it is somehow lesser ...

Hopefully no hard feelings here, I enjoy these debates. Your logic and my logic on this just don't jive.


I said nothing about " a couple" of images, lol. I would have thought that you would have hundreds of sexy images of your wife to c.um with. But if it's only a couple; then I am wrong about that. Sorry.


I think I've said a few times now that we all have stored sexy images and memories. Those will usually, but not always, go through your mind when you feel aroused and masturbate. I readily admit that.

I don't see any reason to add to it by using porn. You think it's okay to use porn to get additional sexual stimulation. So we are opposed again.

I'm guessing your wife is okay with you using porn. Sorry again, Ellis--I don't remember all the details of your situation.

I've never wanted my husband to use porn. Which doesn't matter to him. I've described in quite a bit of detail upthread, that I understand he can't help longing and lusting after pretty women he sees in real life.

And I just can't help but wonder why he couldn't limit his sexspiration to that mental spank bank.


I truly, truly see porn as something invasive, unpleasant and hurtful to a marriage. Ya think!!

I think I'm out of step with most people. Which wouldn't bother me. But being out of step with my husband, is really lonely and painful.


Oh well, in a hundred years from now, no-one will care what any of us thought or did about anything. Sometimes I think that to cheer myself up.
notmyrealname4 is offline  
post #185 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:22 PM
Member
 
Miss Independent's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 534
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

@notmyrealname4 don't take this the wrong way but why in the world are you still with your husband?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Miss Independent is online now  
post #186 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:28 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,359
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Independent View Post
@notmyrealname4 don't take this the wrong way but why in the world are you still with your husband?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I guess I waited too long to get out. So now I'm making the best of it.

I made my bed; now I get to lie in it.
notmyrealname4 is offline  
post #187 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:31 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5,267
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
If porn use reduces interest in having sex with your spouse, that's a real problem - IF, of course, your spouse actually wants to have sex with you. My view is that if that kind of problem does not result, then if someone wants to use porn, they have that right. No one should dictate what you do with your own body and mind - aside from any mutual agreement you have made. We hear "Women's bodies, women's choice," about everything these days. Guess what? That applies to men, too.
No, it doesn't, because patriarchy!

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
tech-novelist is offline  
post #188 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:32 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5,267
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by toblerone View Post
I don't think I'd feel inadequate if I caught my wife using porn. It'd probably be the type of porn where people complain all the time since that's what it seems she gets off on these days.
That's a genre I haven't heard of before.

But I wouldn't be surprised if it existed.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
tech-novelist is offline  
post #189 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:33 PM
Member
 
EllisRedding's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Valhalla (Or the Northeast USA)
Posts: 5,651
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
I said nothing about " a couple" of images, lol. I would have thought that you would have hundreds of sexy images of your wife to c.um with. But if it's only a couple; then I am wrong about that. Sorry.


I think I've said a few times now that we all have stored sexy images and memories. Those will usually, but not always, go through your mind when you feel aroused and masturbate. I readily admit that.

I don't see any reason to add to it by using porn. You think it's okay to use porn to get additional sexual stimulation. So we are opposed again.

I'm guessing your wife is okay with you using porn. Sorry again, Ellis--I don't remember all the details of your situation.

I've never wanted my husband to use porn. Which doesn't matter to him. I've described in quite a bit of detail upthread, that I understand he can't help longing and lusting after pretty women he sees in real life.

And I just can't help but wonder why he couldn't limit his sexspiration to that mental spank bank.


I truly, truly see porn as something invasive, unpleasant and hurtful to a marriage. Ya think!!

I think I'm out of step with most people. Which wouldn't bother me. But being out of step with my husband, is really lonely and painful.


Oh well, in a hundred years from now, no-one will care what any of us thought or did about anything. Sometimes I think that to cheer myself up.
There are plenty of images you can have of your spouse that are sexy that are not necessarily spank bank worthy. There are only, for example. so many ways I can imagine my W naked or in a sexual manner, so how you are coming up with hundreds of images seems like you are just pulling a number out of thin air Like I said, you are trying to simplify things down way too much, and are in a bit if of a fantasy world if you think mental images should always be enough (once again, for some reason discounting that relying on mental images also opens your mind up to many other unrelated thoughts that can lead to distraction). IIRC, one other member here wasn't a fan of their SO watching porn, but wouldn't have a problem necessarily if they used it when the other person was traveling (i.e. unavailable). By your logic, this should be completely unnecessary and could mean that something must be wrong if they can't just simply recall some images. I get that is what you believe, not saying you are wrong, just that I don't agree and believe it is off base.

I am real sorry you had to deal with things with your H. In your situation porn was clearly damaging. In other scenarios for other people it can be as well. That doesn't mean that people can't still use porn responsibly, whereas you seem to cast a wide net over anyone who would use porn.

All this talk, I kinda wanna watch some porn now
EllisRedding is online now  
post #190 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:36 PM
Member
 
Miss Independent's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 534
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
I guess I waited too long to get out. So now I'm making the best of it.



I made my bed; now I get to lie in it.


It makes me sad. Your husband sounds like an A$$. You deserve better.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Miss Independent is online now  
post #191 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:53 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Southwestern US
Posts: 559
A hundred years ago (like for instance people of my grandfather's generation) men still had periods of sexlessness, and they managed to take care of things without watching porn. Men CAN masturbate without watching porn.
Livvie is online now  
post #192 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:02 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,199
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by tech-novelist View Post
No, it doesn't, because patriarchy!
LOL!

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #193 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:17 PM
Member
 
Hellomynameis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Finger Lakes NY
Posts: 80
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I very rarely orgasmed wth my husband. He didn't care he pretty much stopped and went to sleep the minute he was done. I took much longer than him. But he didn't understand why I didn't want sex.

I don't masturbate to mental images. I masturbate to romantic storylines with in my head generally with characters I am attracted to rather than the real person. For example Agent Gibbs rather than Mark Harmon. In my fantasies there is always love involved not just sex. I've had romantic fantasies involving men that weren't even all that attractive. But, all this is something that I've only given free rein to since my husband and I split up.

The road goes ever ever on, down from the door where it began... JRR Tolkien
Hellomynameis is offline  
post #194 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:38 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 4,309
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by ulyssesheart View Post
If it is not psychosomatic it is physical. Likely, some sort of neuropathy, nerve damage.

If not anxiety issues I would look at the following- medications, nerve damage, lack of semen as in way too little. If he has a lot of semen in his prostate it will want to come out. If he has to really work at it then blame nerve signaling or lack of semen. The penis needs to be hard to stimulate those nerves properly. His prostate needs looking at. Send him to a Men's Health Clinic for evaluation.

You need a good urologist and neurologist that will work together. The neurologist needs to specializes in ED issues. Do not take no or I don't know as an answer.
He said that he's had his prostate checked and that it's fine. From what I've observed, the amount of semen strikes me as a little less than average, but not so little as to set off warning bells. Based on the way that he talks about it--I get consistent commentary during and after regarding what he's doing and how it feels, literally, all over his body--I'm inclined to think it's nerve-related.

I'll keep working on him.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

"Either you're interested, or you're not. Fvck yes or no... As in, if it isn't fvck yes for you, leave me the fvck alone. I don't have time for playing games."
FeministInPink is online now  
post #195 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:48 PM
Member
 
CuddleBug's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,554
Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Quote:
Originally Posted by Good Guy View Post
There have been several threads on here about what it seems to be mainly wives wanting divorces because their husbands have been watching porn.

Personally, my wife doesn't have a problem with me watching porn, or me her, and I do it from time to time, if our sex life is really frequent I basically don't use it at all but have had dry spells in the past where I would have used it 3 or 4 times a week. She has told me she's looked at it a few times but it didn't do anything for her. She's more into erotic books.

I got to wondering what is it about watching porn that is the problem?

Do they honestly think their men are doing anything other than masturbating with something impersonal and arousing to look at?
Where do they stand on romantic / erotic fiction, vibrators, "chick flicks" etc which all encourage them to imagine themselves swept away and ravished by some hunk other than their husband (ok not the vibrators !!!) ?
Is it lying about porn is the issue rather than the porn itself?
Do men feel the same way about their women watching porn alone?
How do these women feel about masturbation?
Do these women have lots of sex with their husbands?
Do these women ever talk about sex with their husbands?
Is it a power / control thing in that there is nothing else they can shame their husbands about except this?

The only reason I use women above is that I never see threads from men about this stuff.

Anyone got any input?

If a woman takes care of herself, in great shape, dresses sexy and wants adventurous sex with a high sex drive, for me, zero porn.

If a woman doesn't take care of herself, isn't in great shape, doesn't dress that sexy and only wants conservative sex once in a while, porn is a substitute.

When in a relationship or married, the wife is to take care of her hubbies needs as her own. She is not her own anymore. Same goes for us guys.

Would I view porn if I had a wife that wants a lot of adventurous sex often and is in great shape? NO.

Will I stop relieving myself and viewing porn from time to time with Mrs.CuddleBug needing to lose 80+ lbs and only wanting sex 1x month? NO.

Its not a control or power issue with me. Its my needs not being met.....

Strength and Honor. What we do in life echo's in eternity.
CuddleBug is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I wonder how many husbands and wives have posted here together without even knowing Mr.StrongMan General Relationship Discussion 22 12-29-2016 05:49 PM
Do husbands or wives usually mention their affair partners name? Susie42 Coping with Infidelity 18 06-14-2016 04:38 PM
Betrayed husbands & wives who acted quickly upon discovery becareful Coping with Infidelity 9 04-09-2016 03:49 PM
Wives who hide their porn from husbands... Scanner Sex in Marriage 28 03-19-2016 02:00 PM
Feelings after threesome Orange_Crush Sex in Marriage 114 03-03-2016 10:43 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome