Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn - Page 24 - Talk About Marriage
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post #346 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 12:28 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

So many porn threads so many different thoughts.

I have struggled on and off throughout my life with porn. My wife found out after about 25 years or marriage and we had a frank discussion about it. She was more concerned about it consuming my life (it wasn't) and I was more embarrassed than anything. For me it was a humbling experience in many ways and for a great while it was under control. A couple of years later I realized one day that my wife was quite detached from me and that sex was almost non existent. This was the beginning of the downward spiral of our relationship. Porn became my fall back and the result was ED.

Over time we had more discussions about porn. I had become a cheater because I watched it. At the same time I found she was watching it as well as reading it. It became a double standard. This was even more humbling. To make matters even a bit more complex my daughter discovered (by uncleared history) that I watched porn and confronted me about it. For me this was about as humbling as it got.

The result of all this is that my daughter and I have been able to have frank discussions about porn usage and the negative effects it has. She was able to tell me she struggled with it since she was a young teen and struggles with it now if she is depressed. She recognizes that it drags her down even farther when she watches it.

I regret watching it at all. It has added nothing of value to my life and it has complicated my marriage in ways I never saw coming. The world is a different place than it was 5 years ago. The easy access to porn has negatively contributed to that in my opinion.
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post #347 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 06:43 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by Mollymolz View Post
For me it's because our sex life is barely there. It makes me feel like I'm competing with porn and porn is winning. Ultimately it is a very lonely experience and I'm wondering why I'm still trying.

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Why are you?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man

Last edited by EleGirl; 02-28-2017 at 11:48 AM. Reason: changed name on quote as account name changed
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post #348 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 06:45 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by RClawson View Post
So many porn threads so many different thoughts.

I have struggled on and off throughout my life with porn. My wife found out after about 25 years or marriage and we had a frank discussion about it. She was more concerned about it consuming my life (it wasn't) and I was more embarrassed than anything. For me it was a humbling experience in many ways and for a great while it was under control. A couple of years later I realized one day that my wife was quite detached from me and that sex was almost non existent. This was the beginning of the downward spiral of our relationship. Porn became my fall back and the result was ED.

Over time we had more discussions about porn. I had become a cheater because I watched it. At the same time I found she was watching it as well as reading it. It became a double standard. This was even more humbling. To make matters even a bit more complex my daughter discovered (by uncleared history) that I watched porn and confronted me about it. For me this was about as humbling as it got.

The result of all this is that my daughter and I have been able to have frank discussions about porn usage and the negative effects it has. She was able to tell me she struggled with it since she was a young teen and struggles with it now if she is depressed. She recognizes that it drags her down even farther when she watches it.

I regret watching it at all. It has added nothing of value to my life and it has complicated my marriage in ways I never saw coming. The world is a different place than it was 5 years ago. The easy access to porn has negatively contributed to that in my opinion.
There is a site that offers education and support for quitting porn that you might find very helpful:

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #349 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:01 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I don't see anything in the bible that would be a prohibition against porn. Adultery clearly means something different. "Lusting" is a tricky one. If you see an attractive woman at the beach, is it "lusting" to find her sexually attractive if you do not act on that attraction? We may need to study the meaning of the words at the time that they were written.

In the larger picture, they bible really does not make that big a deal about sexuality, even though the later church has done so. For all the complaints about homosexuality etc, I see very little outrage about people working on the Sabbath - and that is a COMMANDMENT.

The bible seems to be about accepting Jesus as savior, about loving your neighbor, about seeking redemption. It seems to me that if people get the basics right, many of these other concerns are pretty trivial in comparison.
I agree.

I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but I went to Catholic school

My take-away from the commandments etc. is that you are to do no harm to anyone.

Given that Ump's 'lust' is having the opposite effect, I can't see a problem. Mrs. Ump knows, participates, and reaps the rewards from his 'lustful' behaviour. It's having a positive effect on their marriage.

The problem with religion, as it's always been, is people's literal translations of the words written, not to mention their own personal biases. Technically speaking, if you're in an open relationship, or are swingers, that is forbidden according to the bible. It's adultery. The reality is both parties are aware, accepting and can reap rewards from this type of arrangement, possibly even strengthening the marriage. If you have explicit permission, or even encouragement, from your partner to have sex with others, it's not really adultery, is it?

Personally, I don't think @UMP should feel any shame whatsoever for his proclivity for porn, given that it serves a purpose, a beneficial one at that, and actually serves to strengthen his marriage and his bond with his wife.

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #350 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Before I say this, let me first say that I am as imperfect as most. I struggle with lust, envy, and gluttony daily in my life.

That said, for those debating or rationalizing what is or is not sin, it does not take one to act upon an impulse to qualify.

"Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”

Matthew 15:17-20


"For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.”

Mark 7:21-23


This is why we pray for God to purify our hearts. This is where it all begins.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

Psalms 51:10

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #351 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:05 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Before I say this, let me first say that I am as imperfect as most. I struggle with lust, envy, and gluttony daily in my life.

That said, for those debating or rationalizing what is or is not sin, it does not take one to act upon an impulse to qualify.

"Don’t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”

Matthew 15:17-20


"For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.”

Mark 7:21-23


This is why we pray for God to purify our hearts. This is where it all begins.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

Psalms 51:10
That is a very good verse, far, appropriate to this conversation.

You know looking at porn is wrong, no matter the justifications offered by any here. Porn does not purify anyone's heart. It incites and feeds lust.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #352 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Here is one government addressing the motive and effects of porn on the world:

The CBI has said that it’s difficult to curb violent cyber pornography because of the huge demand from India’s “domineering male population” that has an “insatiable lust and penchant for salacious material, including violence against women.”

This huge demand makes internet and content providers continually move from one blocked website to another, making detection difficult, the investigating agency told the Supreme Court on Thursday.

Violent and sexually explicit material depicting women and children in demeaning ways are crimes against the nation that need to be handled by a centralized mechanism, particularly the CBI, the agency said.

Rape and gang rape represent the oldest and longest continuing instances of a criminal man’s inhumanity on woman. Committing such abhorrent crimes, recording them and disseminating them across the world through internet-enabled media serve to titillate and indirectly embolden other males to commit such heinous crimes. These not only add to the misery of existing victims but also endanger and threaten the safety of other innocent women and children,” the CBI’s affidavit said.


Indian men?s lust incite violent cyber porn: CBI to SC

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #353 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 06:33 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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That is a very good verse, far, appropriate to this conversation.

You know looking at porn is wrong, no matter the justifications offered by any here.
No it isn't.
There seems to be a double standard here: women get offended when sweeping generalisations are made whereas men are supposed to just accept these empty generalisations at face value. If porn was harmful to your marriage and your circumstances, it is one thing and I have sympathy however there are millions of marriages where watching porn is a healthy part of anyone's sex life, without causing addictions and any other problems and can in fact have a net positive effect in a marriage (balance out HD/LD relationship, prevent cheating, help with getting/sustaining an erection, spice up a "boring" sex life with new ideas and many other things).

There are many ways how a coupe can deal with a mismatch in their sexual drives: some repress it, some have mistresses, some go on facebook, some buy toys and fantasize about <insert person of interest>, some have affairs, and some watch porn occasionally. The latter is one of the least harmful out of many options, provided it is used responsibly. If the husband prefers porn to sex with you (not "you" specifically but anyone who feels threatened by porn), I am sorry to hear it but in the majority of cases, resorting to porn in favour of spouse is simply a symptom in a marriage that may already be in trouble.

I won't comment on the religious aspect.
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post #354 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 06:41 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Here is one government addressing the motive and effects of porn on the world:

The CBI has said that it’s difficult to curb violent cyber pornography because of the huge demand from India’s “domineering male population” that has an “insatiable lust and penchant for salacious material, including violence against women.”

This huge demand makes internet and content providers continually move from one blocked website to another, making detection difficult, the investigating agency told the Supreme Court on Thursday.

Violent and sexually explicit material depicting women and children in demeaning ways are crimes against the nation that need to be handled by a centralized mechanism, particularly the CBI, the agency said.

Rape and gang rape represent the oldest and longest continuing instances of a criminal man’s inhumanity on woman. Committing such abhorrent crimes, recording them and disseminating them across the world through internet-enabled media serve to titillate and indirectly embolden other males to commit such heinous crimes. These not only add to the misery of existing victims but also endanger and threaten the safety of other innocent women and children,” the CBI’s affidavit said.


Indian men?s lust incite violent cyber porn: CBI to SC
We are not talking about violence and rape in porn or advocation and proliferation of sick and illegal porn. I don't see the relevance of this article at all, except that it has the word "porn" in it.

Why not look at statistics closer to home?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...sexual-assault

"If the anti-porn activists are correct, if porn actually contributes to rape, then starting around 1999 as the Internet made it much more easily available, the rate of sexual assault should have increased. So what happened? According to the Justice Department’s authoritative National Crime Victimization Survey, since 1995, the U.S. sexual assault rate has FALLEN 44 percent."

The same applied to all developed countries.
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post #355 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 07:03 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...sexual-assault

"If the anti-porn activists are correct, if porn actually contributes to rape, then starting around 1999 as the Internet made it much more easily available, the rate of sexual assault should have increased. So what happened? According to the Justice Department’s authoritative National Crime Victimization Survey, since 1995, the U.S. sexual assault rate has FALLEN 44 percent."

The same applied to all developed countries.
Yep.

PORNOGRAPHY, SEX CRIME, AND PUBLIC POLICY
Berl Kutchinsky Professor of Criminology Institute of Criminology and Criminal Science University of Copenhagen Denmark

http://aic.gov.au/media_library/publ...kutchinsky.pdf
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post #356 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 07:13 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

From this paper:

"Conclusion
The aggregate data on rape and other violent or sexual offences from four countries where
pornography, including aggressive varieties, has become widely and easily available during
the period we have dealt with would seem to exclude, beyond any reasonable doubt, that
this availability has had any detrimental effects in the form of increased sexual violence."
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post #357 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 11:24 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

It's interesting--I was telling my partner about this thread and the different opinions therein, which led him to say, "I'm probably addicted to porn." And it led to a good discussion about porn and our relationship, and what it was like in previous relationships. The final outcome of the conversation was me telling him that I'm fine with it, and enjoy watching it with him, as long as he doesn't start using porn and masturbation as a substitute for me. And he said he would do his best, but if I ever felt like he was starting to do that, that I should say something right away so he can modify his behavior, because he never wants to do that or hurt me in that way. It was a good conversation.

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