Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn - Page 25 - Talk About Marriage
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post #361 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Of course it is selfish to use porn when your partner does not approve. It is also selfish to demand your partner stop using porn because it bothers you.
This is a really interesting point of view.

At some point one person has to give in.

But there is a third way - to agree to the porn and also have a great sex life. It was actually surprisingly easy to lure my husband away from porn. It turned out that I had the winning hand. It also turned out the reason I hated it so much is because I was sexually frustrated, I just didn't know it. I didn't realise how much sex I actually needed to not be threatened by other women. I also didn't realise how much sex my husband needed to not be interested in porn.

I hate to read women being accused of being controlling when it comes to porn, for the simple reason that nobody can control you without your consent. If a woman does not like her husband using porn it is up to him draw up his own boundaries and be honest, compassionate yet firm about the reality of the situation. Telling her he doesn't use it or will stop is lulling her into a short term false sense of security which ultimately causes larger problems than just porn.

"I know you don't like it, and I am sorry for hurting you. But when we don't have sex there is a good chance I may use porn. But I will be discrete and make sure I delete it."

At least that way she knows where she stands and can either come to terms with it or walk away. By being consistently honest eventually the arguments and nagging stop and it just becomes a reluctant acceptance (like all the other bad habits we learn to put up with).
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post #362 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I do wonder, how much of porn watch in relationships (not talking about those who watch together) is in part due to issues in the relationship (drive mismatch, sexual needs not being met, etc...) versus just a desire to watch porn?
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post #363 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:18 AM
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I do wonder, how much of porn watch in relationships (not talking about those who watch together) is in part due to issues in the relationship (drive mismatch, sexual needs not being met, etc...) versus just a desire to watch porn?
I'm curious about this as well
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post #364 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

One data point: I watch porn because my wife very rarely wants sex. If we had an active and varied sex life I think I would watch little or not porn - though its possible that after all these years I'm addicted.

I watch to relieve sexual tension, and to vicariously enjoy sex acts that my wife won't engage in.

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I do wonder, how much of porn watch in relationships (not talking about those who watch together) is in part due to issues in the relationship (drive mismatch, sexual needs not being met, etc...) versus just a desire to watch porn?
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post #365 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:40 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I am in the same boat with @uhtred.

And yes, of course, being open and honest and creating a wonderful sex life together is the optimal outcome. Some couples can't get there, even after open conversation, MC, ST, etc. Most of those couples are probably best off divorcing. But some stay together because of finances, kids, feeling of obligation, etc. Some people feel, after trying and failing to create a fulfilling sex life with their spouse, that using and hiding porn is better than divorce. Yes, that is selfish and manipulative. But so is repeatedly rejecting one's spouse sexually, unless they told their spouse before marriage and kids that is what they intended to do.

When you can see it coming, duck!
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post #366 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I do wonder, how much of porn watch in relationships (not talking about those who watch together) is in part due to issues in the relationship (drive mismatch, sexual needs not being met, etc...) versus just a desire to watch porn?
I used to think my husband just loved porn....and there was nothing I could do about it. But for 2 1/2 years he has not used porn alone, we have sex almost every day. He tells me he isn't interested in porn and has no temptation.

So I don't think porn is that big a deal to him as long as he has regular sex - he prefers actual sex.

It was really that easy.

However, I know that at some point in the future I will get sick, or go away on holiday without him or develop a decreased drive, I will have to come to terms that he will use porn again. Hopefully I will have learned a few things along the way and cope with it better than I did in my 20's. But for us it was definitely a relationship problem (along with a few childhood ghosts that needed to be exorcised). Porn is a smoke screen to other issues imo.
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post #367 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:40 AM
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In response to the main question. I don't use any toys for myself and never have. I woudn't even know what to do with a vibrator lol I'm 41 years old and have been able to just use my own touch to masturbate if I feel the desire. I don't read erotic or romantic novels and I dont even watch those types of movies. I realize it's not real and it could possibly skew my opinion on what real romance is so I have always avoided it. I have however used my imagination at times to enhance sex and or masturbation which can also be a slippery slope. I try to just focus on the feeling now however.

Why I have a problem with my partner using porn I guess because I want to be his relief for sexual tension or desire. I don't want to feel like someone else can get him off. I have always had good self esteem, but this recent issue finding out about occasional porn use has really affected me. I feel like I'm not desirable enough, even though I know I am especially after seeing the images. I think it just feels like maybe I am not as great as I thought. Or like "oh wow he finds that attractive!" It's insulting. Of course the porn use has only been used when I wasn't available but I feel like people should have enough self control to wait.

I do feel that people who use it because their spouse won't have sex have a valid reason if they tried to communicate and it's not working. It's a relationship issue that takes 2 to create the issue and 2 to resolve and if one is not willing then you have no choice to resort to other measures
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post #368 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

As for myself, I can say that if I had an active/fulfilling sex life (which of course, each person will have their own definition of what that means) I would have basically zero interest in porn. At this point though, and maybe where I am a little different than others, I rather just avoid porn or any type of "stimulation" as I find it just makes things easier on myself, less frustration and resentment.

Funny side note, this past Saturday I had a few free minutes before the gym opened in the morning so I hopped over to pornhub which I can't even remember before that the last time I had been on that site. This message popped up, I almost crapped my pants lol. They nailed a lot of people on April Fools Day!

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post #369 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Why I have a problem with my partner using porn I guess because I want to be his relief for sexual tension or desire. I don't want to feel like someone else can get him off. I have always had good self esteem, but this recent issue finding out about occasional porn use has really affected me. I feel like I'm not desirable enough, even though I know I am especially after seeing the images. I think it just feels like maybe I am not as great as I thought. Or like "oh wow he finds that attractive!" It's insulting. Of course the porn use has only been used when I wasn't available but I feel like people should have enough self control to wait.
Hmmm ... tough one. If I am traveling away from home for a week, and let's say either my W or I get an "urge", should we have to wait until we get the opportunity together, IDK? I think the question, is it causing harm, and probably the answer can vary. Factor in many other variables (drive mismatch, work/family situation, etc...) and I would think you could at least understand why "people should have enough self control to wait" is not always the best answer (especially when there is a drive mismatch, who is waiting for who?).
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post #370 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Lizzyb View Post

Why I have a problem with my partner using porn I guess because I want to be his relief for sexual tension or desire. I don't want to feel like someone else can get him off. I have always had good self esteem, but this recent issue finding out about occasional porn use has really affected me. I feel like I'm not desirable enough, even though I know I am especially after seeing the images. I think it just feels like maybe I am not as great as I thought. Or like "oh wow he finds that attractive!" It's insulting. Of course the porn use has only been used when I wasn't available but I feel like people should have enough self control to wait.
Hmmm ... tough one. If I am traveling away from home for a week, and let's say either my W or I get an "urge", should we have to wait until we get the opportunity together, IDK? I think the question, is it causing harm, and probably the answer can vary. Factor in many other variables (drive mismatch, work/family situation, etc...) and I would think you could at least understand why "people should have enough self control to wait" is not always the best answer (especially when there is a drive mismatch, who is waiting for who?).
I think that's where communication comes in and being open to discuss how to handle that. For us we are never apart over night so that wouldn't come up but if it did and we did talk about it we have options such as Skype sex, photos, maybe just our imagination while on the phone
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post #371 of 375 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I think that's where communication comes in and being open to discuss how to handle that. For us we are never apart over night so that wouldn't come up but if it did and we did talk about it we have options such as Skype sex, photos, maybe just our imagination while on the phone
Agreed, communication is key. It also requires both people being on the same page, etc... For example, in your case, something like skype/phone sex may not be appealing to your H. Maybe even then your schedules might not match up (i.e. traveling in different time zones, etc...). Especially when there is a drive mismatch, being on the same page can be very problematic (as seen very often here on TAM). Definitely no right or wrong answer.
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post #372 of 375 (permalink) Old 05-17-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I don't have a problem watching porn, I watch it with him. As long as it isn't a substitute, which it isn't in our relationship, for me.
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post #373 of 375 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 09:21 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

So lets say you are married for 25 years. The sex is becoming mundane, boring, in a rut. HOW are you supposed to get NEW IDEAS for new sexual methods, positions, techniques? From video porn and from written porn. You might insert a different term other than "porn", like maybe "the kama sutra" or "Cosmopolitan", or "the adam and eve website". But unless you are willing to explore for new ideas...HOW can you keep the married sex fresh????
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post #374 of 375 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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So lets say you are married for 25 years. The sex is becoming mundane, boring, in a rut. HOW are you supposed to get NEW IDEAS for new sexual methods, positions, techniques? From video porn and from written porn. You might insert a different term other than "porn", like maybe "the kama sutra" or "Cosmopolitan", or "the adam and eve website". But unless you are willing to explore for new ideas...HOW can you keep the married sex fresh????


If you're lucky your s turns you on still. But I agree it's important to work hard on intimacy. For many that means external stimulus to ensure that you don't let life's responsibilities make dad, mom, provider, cleaner, cook, maintenance man... roles keep you from switching to Husband and Wife roles. I think the most important point is to have both spouses make the commitment to switch to h and w mode at the same time. Otherwise time can pass and couples can grow apart.

So I feel it's effort and attention, enhanced / facilitated by erotic materials of various sort


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post #375 of 375 (permalink) Old 05-22-2017, 11:43 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Husbands that use porn are often overstimulated and may begin having trouble enjoying natural intercourse.

wives that use toys are often over stimulated and may begin having trouble enjoying natural intercourse.

wives that read romance novels(porn) often have unrealistic views of what real romance is and there fore might have trouble respecting their husband and then lose desire for him.
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