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post #46 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
All porn actresses are someone's daughter, so if it's ok for you to get off to their daughter it should be ok for them to get off to your daughter.
This logic doesn't pan out to me. All women are someone's daughter. If I want to have sex with them, it doesn't mean I want to have sex with my own daughter.
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post #47 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 02:46 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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This logic doesn't pan out to me. All women are someone's daughter. If I want to have sex with them, it doesn't mean I want to have sex with my own daughter.
.

I know you don't want your own daughter and have no idea how you got that out of my comment.

I'm saying that if you use porn and thus are ok getting off to someone else's daughter then you shouldn't have any issue with your daughter doing porn and another guy getting off to her.

Because as you said all women are someone's daughter.
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post #48 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Haha, that's what I get for reading it way too fast. I totally read that one wrong. I thought you said if you get off to porn of someone's daughter it means that you want to get off to your own daughter. Oh well.
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post #49 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Porn use is an issue of compatibility that needs be discussed before marriage. Unfortunately, unlike religion, lifestyle, family life, etc...it's not typically discussed. I don't understand why anyone would hide their porn use/habit from a potential lifelong partner but it only causes trouble in the long run.


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I would say this is definitely a bigger issue now given the ease in which porn is accessed. Growing up, porn for me was hopefully being able to see a boobie through a scrambled Spice channel. Not to say that young guys didn't have access to or watch porn, but I don't recall a lot of the guys I knew doing so with any sort of frequency except maybe passing around an old VHS tape. For myself and others I knew, it wasn't something to discuss prior to marriage b/c there wasn't anything really to discuss.

So I guess looking at things now, figures that a larger majority of younger people are accessing porn, what exactly constitutes a porn habit? Is watching an occasional porn considered a habit? I wouldn't be surprised as well if many porn "habits" develop during the relationship.
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post #50 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Haha, that's what I get for reading it way too fast. I totally read that one wrong. I thought you said if you get off to porn of someone's daughter it means that you want to get off to your own daughter. Oh well.
No worries!

Tbh I was a little disturbed by the thought, but I've read things too fast as well.
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post #51 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I would say this is definitely a bigger issue now given the ease in which porn is accessed. Growing up, porn for me was hopefully being able to see a boobie through a scrambled Spice channel. Not to say that young guys didn't have access to or watch porn, but I don't recall a lot of the guys I knew doing so with any sort of frequency except maybe passing around an old VHS tape. For myself and others I knew, it wasn't something to discuss prior to marriage b/c there wasn't anything really to discuss.
You're right about it being more of a generational issue. Unfortunately our generation and older are the ones struggling with the porn incompatibility because of ease of access. The anti-porn spouse has to make the hard decision to endure something they disagree with or divorce; and the porn friendly spouse has to make the hard decision to cease doing something they enjoy or divorce.

Hopefully, threads like the ones referenced in the OP will be a thing of the past in the near future.

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So I guess looking at things now, figures that a larger majority of younger people are accessing porn, what exactly constitutes a porn habit? Is watching an occasional porn considered a habit? I wouldn't be surprised as well if many porn "habits" develop during the relationship.
To say that porn 'habits' develop during a relationship is exclusively an older generation issue. For the younger generation, porn habits develop well before men are involved in partnered relationships.

I read several reddit forums where young men ask for advice and porn is a hot topic issue. Many young adult men are experiencing problems (sexual and relationship) from over use. They complain about E.D., either can't get an erection or can't orgasm. They carry these problems with them into their relationships, which causes relationship issues, which causes them to revert back to relying on porn....wash, rinse, repeat. It's a vicious cycle.
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post #52 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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My first question when porn discussions come up is often whether one who uses porn would be ok with their daughter doing it, assuming it's what she wanted.
A HUGE PROBLEM with your question @lifeistooshort is that it takes advantage of the fact that all parents and children are naturally awkward an unaccepting of each other's sexuality as it is instinctually incestious to even consider.

@lifeistooshort would you be OK with your daughter and her newlywed husband watching a very private sex tape that you and her father made together with the utmost respect and care towards sexuality as a way to demonstrate what physical intimacy should look like in a loving marriage? The idea should evoke your natural instincts to avoid incest and think, "this would be a horrible idea and there should even be a law making this illegal!"

So it is NOT FAIR to use an individual's natural instincts against incest as a way to prove porn is wrong!

There are SO MANY other ways to prove there are problems with porn, but in my opinion this is the absolute worst because it is instilled with so much manipulative shame and fear!

Regards,
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post #53 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I see porn as equivalent to sexy toys.



1) Used together as a couple - fine.



2) Used when not in a relationship - fine unless the use becomes excessive to the point of interfering with the rest of life, or becomes addictive (eg, you want to stop but can't).



3) Used individually in a relationship: I think its fine as long as it does not interfere with your sex life with your partner. Generally that means never turning your partner down for sex and then using porn (or masturbating in any fashion). It also means understanding the difference between fantasy and reality and not expecting "porn sex" to be always a realistic depiction of good sex in real life



An exception to #3 is if your partner is fundamentally selfish in bed and unwilling to try to please you, then I think it is OK to use porn rather than have sex with a selfish lover



A caveat to #3 is that if your partner regularly turns you down for sex, AND you have made serous attempts to both be a good lover and to fix other relationship issues, its find to use as much porn as you like.



Another caveat to #3 is that (especially for men), if you use porn, and then your partner wants sex, you should do your best to please them whatever way you can, even if you are no longer in the mood.


Well put!

I also think it's a matter of incompatibility. I have friends that feel that way about porn... some with great sex lives, a couple in sexless marriages.

I never thought much about porn until I met my H. I had taken a women's studies class at college and was a bit guarded about it, plus I had some abuse from childhood that made anything sexual frightening for a long time.

My H introduced me to porn since I'd never seen any before. I'd come across my dad's Playboy stash, but that was it. The first one we watched I laughed through most of it. It was the classic Deep Throat.

I guess I passed the test by not being horrified by it, so every so often we would watch again. Not all the time, but once in a while. We had similar preferences, and it actually helped increase our creativity and made me realize I was bi curious.

Ideally, I think it's best used together. We would rarely watch solo unless separated for some reason, but it wouldn't bother me unless I was in the mood and he'd chosen porn over me.




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post #54 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:10 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
A HUGE PROBLEM with your question @lifeistooshort is that it takes advantage of the fact that all parents and children are naturally awkward an unaccepting of each other's sexuality as it is instinctually incestious to even consider.

@lifeistooshort would you be OK with your daughter and her newlywed husband watching a very private sex tape that you and her father made together with the utmost respect and care towards sexuality as a way to demonstrate what physical intimacy should look like in a loving marriage? The idea should evoke your natural instincts to avoid incest and think, "this would be a horrible idea and there should even be a law making this illegal!"

So it is NOT FAIR to use an individual's natural instincts against incest as a way to prove porn is wrong!

There are SO MANY other ways to prove there are problems with porn, but in my opinion this is the absolute worst because it is instilled with so much manipulative shame and fear!

Regards,
Badsanta

I don't think that's what @LifesTooShort is saying. It has nothing to do with incest and everything to do with 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander'.

The way I read it was if it's okay for you (collective you) to watch another man's child perform in a porn movie, then it should be okay for your (collective your) child to perform in a porn movie for the viewing pleasure of another man.
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post #55 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I read several reddit forums where young men ask for advice and porn is a hot topic issue. Many young adult men are experiencing problems (sexual and relationship) from over use. They complain about E.D., either can't get an erection or can't orgasm. They carry these problems with them into their relationships, which causes relationship issues, which causes them to revert back to relying on porn....wash, rinse, repeat. It's a vicious cycle.
Lila, you don't happen to have any links for this, do you?

My current partner, while not a young man (he's 48) came to rely very heavily on porn since he split from his XW 7 yrs ago. I'm his first partner since they split, and he has been having some E.D. issues (ittermitently) with me, which he never had previously. I'm beginning to think it may be something along the lines of what you describe above.

I've handling it the best that I can, but it has put a lot of emotional strain on this HD gal. It's difficult for me, especially after enduring several years of a sexless marriage.

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post #56 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:26 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
A HUGE PROBLEM with your question @lifeistooshort is that it takes advantage of the fact that all parents and children are naturally awkward an unaccepting of each other's sexuality as it is instinctually incestious to even consider.

@lifeistooshort would you be OK with your daughter and her newlywed husband watching a very private sex tape that you and her father made together with the utmost respect and care towards sexuality as a way to demonstrate what physical intimacy should look like in a loving marriage? The idea should evoke your natural instincts to avoid incest and think, "this would be a horrible idea and there should even be a law making this illegal!"

So it is NOT FAIR to use an individual's natural instincts against incest as a way to prove porn is wrong!

There are SO MANY other ways to prove there are problems with porn, but in my opinion this is the absolute worst because it is instilled with so much manipulative shame and fear!

Regards,
Badsanta
I disagree. I'm getting at the tendency of people to have two sets of standards, one for them and one for everyone else, where ethically and morally questionable activities are concerned.

The same could be applied to, let's say, drug dealers. Let's say you have a guy, or gal, who smokes weed and sees nothing wrong with it. They buy from a dealer even though they know that drug dealing is a questionable lifestyle.

Now their kids wants to be a dealer. For the sake of discussion we'll ignore the legal aspects of this.....what are the odds said person would be ok with their kids dealing drugs and living that lifestyle?

Maybe some wound be but not many.

What you call shame I call facing double standards. I'm not advocating either way for porn acceptance, only that one's double standard be evaluated.

If you're going to allow shame to help you dodge facing an issue then everyone raised in a religious house and is shamed by sex shouldn't have to deal with it. And by your logic anytime your wife calls you "daddy" in the bedroom that should invoke your natural feelings of disgust toward incest.

Does it? Probably not, because you can distinguish that from actual incest.

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 01-06-2017 at 04:40 PM.
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post #57 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:28 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I don't want my husband using porn. That's because when I WAS ok with it (or, rather, just ignored the fact he used it), it led to a whole host of other problems and he ended up cheating. He's sex addicted, so for him it's a huge no no.

Porn has been around for thousands of years and it isn't going anywhere soon. It meets a demand and makes lots of people lots of money. It's also been largely ignored by the church over the centuries, other than declarations of eternal damnation if you do it, so it's always been one of those things that everyone knows that lots of people do but no one ever talks about it. Kind of like having mistresses, or priests doing altar boys. The ostrich reaction. It's only in the last hundred or couple of hundred years since we've had printed magazines, and now of course the internet, that wives have been forced to even think about their husbands indulging themselves in this manner, and with the internet it's becoming almost impossible to ignore. So it isn't something that most couples discuss openly, and when a wife find the browsing history she feels as betrayed as if he cheated, hence the divorce proclamation.
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post #58 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:33 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I don't think that's what @LifesTooShort is saying. It has nothing to do with incest and everything to do with 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander'.

The way I read it was if it's okay for you (collective you) to watch another man's child perform in a porn movie, then it should be okay for your (collective your) child to perform in a porn movie for the viewing pleasure of another man.
I really fail to follow this logic if it is that at all.

I am a police officer and damn proud of it, I would never want my daughters to be one. I was in the military and was damn proud of that, I would never want my daughters to join.

I go frequently out to eat and served by female wait staff, I would prefer my daughters set their sights higher. The list goes on.

I do look at porn and no I wouldn't want my daughters to do that either. I recognize they will be sexual creatures one day and that They will make their own choices in life. If they did porn I wouldn't like it but still my daughters they would be. Doesn't mean I am ok with it.

So by this "logic" any woman who has ever seen a chippendale show has to be ok with their sons becoming one?
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post #59 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:35 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Lila, you don't happen to have any links for this, do you?

My current partner, while not a young man (he's 48) came to rely very heavily on porn since he split from his XW 7 yrs ago. I'm his first partner since they split, and he has been having some E.D. issues (ittermitently) with me, which he never had previously. I'm beginning to think it may be something along the lines of what you describe above.
Let me look for the link of the reddit support forum. It's made up mostly of 18 - 29 year old guys who are having problems dating. It's sad to read how some of these guys didn't have their first sexual orgasm with a partner until after dating them for OVER A YEAR.

There is one 'self-help' website they reference often....yourbrainonporn.

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I've handling it the best that I can, but it has put a lot of emotional strain on this HD gal. It's difficult for me, especially after enduring several years of a sexless marriage.
FIP, I empathize with your situation. My husband (40) has been struggling with ED (performance anxiety) for years now. I have a very loooong thread in private talking about our struggles with it. It's been a challenge all of the way around.
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post #60 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:38 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Double standards exist everywhere. I love watching football, but not in a million years would I want my boys to play professionally and suffer the kind of head injuries that happen. That's a total double standard that I am perfectly OK with because the guys that do play know the risks and choose to play anyway because they make millions doing so.

Most (not all, I know) of the women doing porn know what they're doing and that many consider it wrong and do it anyway because of the money. Same with dealing drugs. Some people are going to choose it despite the drawbacks because it pays. Some won't. The ones who won't we hope have higher morals, and I hope my kids are of that type and not the former type. Just like everyone hopes their kids are better than 'other' kids.
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