Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Let me look for the link of the reddit support forum. It's made up mostly of 18 - 29 year old guys who are having problems dating. It's sad to read how some of these guys didn't have their first sexual orgasm with a partner until after dating them for OVER A YEAR.

There is one 'self-help' website they reference often....yourbrainonporn.



FIP, I empathize with your situation. My husband (40) has been struggling with ED (performance anxiety) for years now. I have a very loooong thread in private talking about our struggles with it. It's been a challenge all of the way around.
Thanks. My partner has never orgasmed with me, though he's come close a few times. This has always been an issue for him, however--For pretty much his entire sexual history. And this part, I'm ok with, I understand... he says that I've handled it much better than any woman he's ever been with.

But the E.D. issue is new. He's attributing it to age and weight gain (he's at his heaviest right now, and he's not happy about it), and while I'm sure those may be a contributing factor, I'm not convinced that's all there is.

I'm going to look for your thread, because I think performance anxiety may also have something to do with it.

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post #62 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 03:59 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Thanks. My partner has never orgasmed with me, though he's come close a few times. This has always been an issue for him, however--For pretty much his entire sexual history. And this part, I'm ok with, I understand... he says that I've handled it much better than any woman he's ever been with.

But the E.D. issue is new. He's attributing it to age and weight gain (he's at his heaviest right now, and he's not happy about it), and while I'm sure those may be a contributing factor, I'm not convinced that's all there is.

I'm going to look for your thread, because I think performance anxiety may also have something to do with it.

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The ED can come from all of those, and the performance anxiety just makes it all worse.

When he can't orgasm with you: is he holding back from having one too early? Is he really concentrating on getting the best angle and feel?

If he is holding back from having an orgasm too early, try encouraging him to two-pump chump his first go around, and if he stays erect or can get it back up: it could take the pressure off and less likely he'd have another quick one.
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post #63 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:19 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I'm not necessarily against porn but that's probably because my husband rarely watches it. It's usually limited to when I'm out of town for a few days. I would absolutely have issues with it if he was looking at it every week. On the other hand, I have no issues with him reading erotica. At least then, he's got use his imagination to create the characters in his head. They aren't real people.

Funny enough, I asked my husband once how he would feel if I masturbated to bbc/bwc porn regularly. He said it would make him feel inadequate, like I was secretly wanting something that he's not. That's exactly how I see it.

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@Lila let's get back to this. What would you be wearing and how would you get off while watching this bbc/bwc porn?

If you describe it really well, with lots of details, I can skip watching a little porn tonight to raise my 50+ libido. JK. Ok maybe not


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post #64 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

To me, talking generally about porn is like talking about guns or Trump or Hillary.

Mostly mental masturbation.


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post #65 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I really fail to follow this logic if it is that at all.

I am a police officer and damn proud of it, I would never want my daughters to be one. I was in the military and was damn proud of that, I would never want my daughters to join.

I go frequently out to eat and served by female wait staff, I would prefer my daughters set their sights higher. The list goes on.
In order to make this kind of analogy, then you need to compare apples to apples. I don't think many people consider a career in law enforcement or food service as morally questionable.

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I do look at porn and no I wouldn't want my daughters to do that either. I recognize they will be sexual creatures one day and that They will make their own choices in life. If they did porn I wouldn't like it but still my daughters they would be. Doesn't mean I am ok with it.

So by this "logic" any woman who has ever seen a chippendale show has to be ok with their sons becoming one?
My point is that if someone is going to indulge in morally questionable activities, then it shouldn't be all that awful if one of their own goes into that morally questionable industry.
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post #66 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:32 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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The ED can come from all of those, and the performance anxiety just makes it all worse.

When he can't orgasm with you: is he holding back from having one too early? Is he really concentrating on getting the best angle and feel?

If he is holding back from having an orgasm too early, try encouraging him to two-pump chump his first go around, and if he stays erect or can get it back up: it could take the pressure off and less likely he'd have another quick one.
No, he's not holding back, not at all. He WANTS to. Very badly. It is very, very difficult for him to orgasm. There have been instances when I've watched him masturbate and it's taken him over an hour to climax. And it's not because I'm watching him--being watched is a turn on for him. If I hadn't been watching, he might not have climaxed at all in those instances.

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post #67 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:36 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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A HUGE PROBLEM with your question @lifeistooshort is that it takes advantage of the fact that all parents and children are naturally awkward an unaccepting of each other's sexuality as it is instinctually incestious to even consider.

@lifeistooshort would you be OK with your daughter and her newlywed husband watching a very private sex tape that you and her father made together with the utmost respect and care towards sexuality as a way to demonstrate what physical intimacy should look like in a loving marriage? The idea should evoke your natural instincts to avoid incest and think, "this would be a horrible idea and there should even be a law making this illegal!"

So it is NOT FAIR to use an individual's natural instincts against incest as a way to prove porn is wrong!

There are SO MANY other ways to prove there are problems with porn, but in my opinion this is the absolute worst because it is instilled with so much manipulative shame and fear!

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To me, talking generally about porn is like talking about guns or Trump or Hillary.

Mostly mental masturbation.


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OMG! My father used to use that same expression and it was always hilarious.

Thank you for the memory
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post #68 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 04:43 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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In order to make this kind of analogy, then you need to compare apples to apples. I don't think many people consider a career in law enforcement or food service as morally questionable.



My point is that if someone is going to indulge in morally questionable activities, then it shouldn't be all that awful if one of their own goes into that morally questionable industry.
I agree. Not only that, but if one's daughter was a police officer or a waitress people generally wouldn't feel embarrassed telling others even if it's not what they really wanted for them.

Would most people feel as comfortable sharing that their daughter did porn?

Probably not, so it's not am apples and apples comparison, as you pointed out.

As I've said I really don't care who does porn or who watches it. I have a friend I've known for many years who has her own porn site and I could care less.....she does it of her own free will and it keeps her off welfare.

But I knew her father when he was alive and he would not have approved, and he would've been perfectly happy to tell people she worked at McDonalds even if he'd hoped for more for her.

He would've been mortified to tell people his daughter worked in porn.
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post #69 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Some parents are embarrassed to tell people their kid works in retail. Some are embarrassed by them going to the 'wrong' college. That isn't the point. The point is that the people IN whatever 'profession' they're in chose it. Or at least didn't stop doing it when they found themselves doing it despite the fact it's morally questionable or dangerous or whatever. So if I am buying pot from my neighbour that's because he knows perfectly well what he's doing and does it for the money. Period. It's the almighty dollar that motivates drug dealers or football players or porn stars.

Everyone has lofty hopes and dreams for their own kids. Moral considerations just up the dollar value paid to the 'performers', that's all, not make it any worse for a parent to indulge themselves in an 'immoral' activity that they wouldn't want their kid to do. Which is subjective in a lot of cases anyway.

As a parent we can choose NOT to support our childrens questionable choices by buying our pot from someone other than our son, or watching porn starring someone other than our daughter.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #70 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 05:13 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

@FeministInPink has he had his prostate examined? Maybe ultrasound the plumbing? Could there be physical obstructions? I don't know if BPH - a common issue - can hurt things. I know with mine I find myself awkwardly in suspense after I think I've ejaculated - and when I look I see it is delayed. I assume it is the BPH blocking the tubing to a small degree (very slight but definitely noticeable delay). I guess it's involuntary edging


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post #71 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 05:14 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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@FeministInPink has he had his prostate examined? Maybe ultrasound the plumbing? Could there be physical obstructions? I don't know if BPH - a common issue - can hurt things. I know with mine I find myself awkwardly in suspense after I think I've ejaculated - and when I look I see it is delayed. I assume it is the BPH blocking the tubing to a small degree (very slight but definitely noticeable delay). I guess it's involuntary edging


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I couldn't say to any of those questions. What is BPH?

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post #72 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 05:17 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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@Lila let's get back to this. What would you be wearing and how would you get off while watching this bbc/bwc porn?
This cracked me up. Let me ask you, do you put on cologne and aftershave and wear your sexy underwear to wank off?

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If you describe it really well, with lots of details, I can skip watching a little porn tonight to raise my 50+ libido. JK. Ok maybe not
If I described it you'd probably need a double dose of porn to get you going so I'll be nice and refrain

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post #73 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 05:22 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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In order to make this kind of analogy, then you need to compare apples to apples. I don't think many people consider a career in law enforcement or food service as morally questionable.

I don't consider an actresses in movies who get naked, Hollywood or porn, morally questionable either. As a matter of fact where do you draw the line. Plenty of Hollywood movie depict sex and female nudity or could be considered straight out soft core porn.

My point is that if someone is going to indulge in morally questionable activities, then it shouldn't be all that awful if one of their own goes into that morally questionable industry.
So let me ask you then have you ever seen a chippendales show or been to a bachelorette party? So you have no problems with your son doing the same then since you participated in it. Ever experiemented with drugs? Are you ok with your kiddos being drug users?

Guess I don't follow what your getting at? So all things you have done or seen in your life you are ok with your kids being part of? Maybe we just come from very different backgrounds but their are plenty of things I have taken part in, seen, done that I don't want my kids to do.
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post #74 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I agree. Not only that, but if one's daughter was a police officer or a waitress people generally wouldn't feel embarrassed telling others even if it's not what they really wanted for them.

Would most people feel as comfortable sharing that their daughter did porn?

Probably not, so it's not am apples and apples comparison, as you pointed out.

As I've said I really don't care who does porn or who watches it. I have a friend I've known for many years who has her own porn site and I could care less.....she does it of her own free will and it keeps her off welfare.

But I knew her father when he was alive and he would not have approved, and he would've been perfectly happy to tell people she worked at McDonalds even if he'd hoped for more for her.

He would've been mortified to tell people his daughter worked in porn.
You probably wouldn't say porn you would just say actress. And no I wouldn't feel embarrassed by any choice my adult daughter made but doesn't mean I have to be ok with it either.

Wait I had to add to that. I meant profession. I would be embarrassed if she hurt kids or cheated on her husband or something like that.

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post #75 of 414 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I couldn't say to any of those questions. What is BPH?

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BPH - Benign prostatic hyperplasia
Enlarged prostate. As men age the prostate can naturally grow. Sitting in a job over the years can trigger this as well (wish I'd known).

It's not a problem alone but :

"When sufficiently large, the nodules push on and narrow the urethra resulting in an increased resistance to flow of urine from the bladder. This is commonly referred to as "obstruction", although the urethral lumen is no less patent, only compressed. Resistance to urine flow requires the bladder to work harder during voiding, possibly leading to progressive hypertrophy, instability, or weakness (atony) of the bladder muscle. If BPH causes obstruction of the bladder and remains untreated, complications such as recurrent urinary tract infections, bladder stones, and chronic kidney disease (potentially leading to kidney failure) may ensue.[3]". Wikipedia


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