Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:48 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I'm not crazy about my hb watching a lot of porn.

Fortunately he doesn't.....if he's watching a little I'm ok with that. I'm certainly not going to police him.

I also have a couple of toys that he bought me. I've never used them without him because it's much better for our bonding if i use them with him.....and it's much more fun having him participate.

I think anything that directs intimacy away from your spouse is a bad idea. Having said that I don't think dildos and masterbating without porn are equivalent to watching porn. The former don't create unreasonable expectations.

A guy rubbing one out in the shower is nowhere near equivalent to getting off to porn.

As for romance novels, I don't care for them. I tried reading a couple in my teens but thought they were silly
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post #107 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
This.

It also teaches that we are all disposable...like, when you're done with one ...NEXT! That said, I don't ask my fiance about his views of porn, or if he looks at it. Maybe he does, we don't live together now, but we are together a lot, and our relationship is the best I've ever had, and the chemistry is amazing. But, maybe men don't really view porn because they are lacking chemistry with their partners, they might look at porn because it's an escape from the stress of life. They should be turning to their spouses, but if their everyday life is filled with pressure and stress, porn might be an easy escape.

We all have vices, my escape might be going for a run, or retail therapy. lol I don't know if I'd leave my fiance over him viewing porn, probably only if it became a substitute for me, and of course if it led to other behaviors, like cheating (which I heard isn't uncommon for men who are frequent porn viewers)
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Do yourself a favor and ask your partner about his porn use NOW, before you two commit to hopefully, a long life together. Like I said previously, porn use is a compatibility issue just like religion and lifestyle. There are highs and lows in LTR and it's best if you and he are in agreement about this topic. Go into the marriage with as much knowledge about your partner as you possibly can. My 2 cents.

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post #108 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:06 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by Good Guy View Post
There are two types of men, the type that use porn and the type that lie about it. If a man who is married to a wonderful woman in every other way but would divorce him for watching porn, I could see how he could lie about it.
That would make him a selfish liar.

He doesn't respect his wife or her boundaries. Instead, he'll selfishly continue to enjoy his perfect life until his wife figures it out and devastates her.


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As other posters said, it's not something to be proud of.
First of all, I think the vast majority of men who look at porn are not ashamed of it. They may keep it private from others who don't approve of it but they are not 'ashamed' of it.

But, for those who do feel shame, why continue to do it?


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Last edited by Lila; 01-07-2017 at 08:23 AM.
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post #109 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:15 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Side note, I don't buy the whole "If you don't want your son/daughter doing it, then you are a hypocrite if you watch porn" nonsense (not related to your post Daisy)
I don't think it is nonsense. I think it is spot on.

I can see how it would bother a person's conscience, though. It is supposed to.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #110 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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The way I view it, if a spouse is constantly rejecting their SO, then saying the other person using porn could end the marriage is unfair as really that just comes across as blame shifting.

Each situation is different, but I think there are situations where it simply is a drive mismatch, and the person with the higher drive is using porn to help meet their needs. You can't make the other person want to have sex more, and in all other aspects you still have a very good marriage. I am actually at the opposite end of the spectrum, where when we have gone through dry spells I actually rather avoid any sort of stimulation such as porn, helps to keep my frustration at a minimum, focus on other things.

Ultimately though, if porn use is replacing an aspect of the relationship that would otherwise be there, it is a problem/concern.

Side note, I don't buy the whole "If you don't want your son/daughter doing it, then you are a hypocrite if you watch porn" nonsense (not related to your post Daisy)
It's not so much the porn as the lying. My husband lied to me about his porn use and didn't want to chance me Leaving him as he was happy with me and wanted to stay married. He knew the porn upset me. How is it fair that he sacrificed my happiness and trust in him and piece of mind for his own selfish needs to not have his world change? He was selfish all those years and only thought about himself. If he brought this to my attention I may have changed to meet his needs, I may of said use the porn I'm okay with it, or I might have left, but it would have been my right to make that choice and he robbed me of that.

That is not okay. If you men or women as well it's not just a male problem, need or want to use porn than be honest with your wife/husband . If there are negative consequences for your action than accept them like a grown up, don't lie and sneak around like a child.

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post #111 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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No, but neither does going to the bathroom.

My eldest daughter (18) knows I watch porn. We have discussed things like that. Like having a poo it's not something I'm proud of or want her to see but it is necessary (or at least masturbation is) from time to time.
Looking at porn as a comparison to bodily elimination?

Elimination is necessary if you want to stay alive. Porn is completely optional.

There is a big difference between what is not polite to discuss and what is downright risky to engage in.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #112 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
The way I view it, if a spouse is constantly rejecting their SO, then saying the other person using porn could end the marriage is unfair as really that just comes across as blame shifting.
It's not blame shifting. It's enforcing a boundary. Imagine how much better things would be for the person enduring a marriage with a rejecting spouse if he/she were to enforce their boundaries.


Quote:
Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
Each situation is different, but I think there are situations where it simply is a drive mismatch, and the person with the higher drive is using porn to help meet their needs. You can't make the other person want to have sex more, and in all other aspects you still have a very good marriage. I am actually at the opposite end of the spectrum, where when we have gone through dry spells I actually rather avoid any sort of stimulation such as porn, helps to keep my frustration at a minimum, focus on other things.

Ultimately though, if porn use is replacing an aspect of the relationship that would otherwise be there, it is a problem/concern.
Everyone has their reasons for watching porn. I'm actually not opposed to those who do watch it. That's their preference and personal choice. However, I do have problems with people who know their partner disapproves of it and, instead of addressing it directly, they hide and lie about it.

It's a rhetorical question but if porn is affecting the relationship negatively or is something that needs to be hid from a nonapproving partner, why not just bring it up and hash out the problem one way or the other?


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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
Side note, I don't buy the whole "If you don't want your son/daughter doing it, then you are a hypocrite if you watch porn" nonsense (not related to your post Daisy)
I'm assuming that you're talking about my post. I don't think hypocrisy is nonsense in any case but why do you think it is in the case of porn?

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post #113 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:46 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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It's not so much the porn as the lying.

A lot of women say this same thing.

Are you saying that if he was honest with you, porn would be okay?

As in, he tells you upfront at the beginning of the relationship: "I'm going to use porn fairly consistently throughout our relationship. This is something all men do. You'll have to get used to it."

Does that make his porn use hurt less?


I discovered my husband's porn because I would walk in on him using it; he would think I was asleep already and I wasn't.

Or he'd leave VHS tapes in the player with porn on them.


Or he'd pick up a "dirty magazine" in a store and look at it, with me standing by him. Not all stores kept them behind the counter wrapped in brown paper wrappers. Independent convenience stores would have them in the magazine racks with everything else.

And when I'd get hurt; he'd tell me that I had to accept it....he didn't say it that nicely though.


Honesty is great, but it never made the pain hurt less.
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post #114 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:51 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
A lot of women say this same thing.

Are you saying that if he was honest with you, porn would be okay?

As in, he tells you upfront at the beginning of the relationship: "I'm going to use porn fairly consistently throughout our relationship. This is something all men do. You'll have to get used to it."

Does that make his porn use hurt less?


I discovered my husband's porn because I would walk in on him using it; he would think I was asleep already and I wasn't.

Or he'd leave VHS tapes in the player with porn on them.


Or he'd pick up a "dirty magazine" in a store and look at it, with me standing by him. Not all stores kept them behind the counter wrapped in brown paper wrappers. Independent convenience stores would have them in the magazine racks with everything else.

And when I'd get hurt; he'd tell me that I had to accept it....he didn't say it that nicely though.


Honesty is great, but it never made the pain hurt less.
Honesty is just a tool for seeing into your and the other person's heart. If what you see is not good, there is the opportunity to change or leave it.

I am sorry he has not changed, notmyrealname.

What keeps you from leaving him?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #115 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I probably have the strangest marriage on TAM --in the masturbation / Porn respect, that is...

I don't think anyone would even believe this.. but I swear it's the truth.. unless my husband is blatantly lying to me...

He LOVES to look at sexy women.. always has, always will...downloads them even.. this does not bother me (but this WILL make more sense after reading this post)..... It did bother me at one time.. when I was going to church, we had a couple fights, I put scriptures on his desktop when I found these folders of Playboy bunnies -he never tried to hide them...then he'd feel like sh** when I cried about it.. (a few times) but during all that .. we never spoke a word of masturbation...

What I learned 8 yrs ago SHOCKED ME, made me question his T levels ...and also made ME look bad !@#

He had NO reason to lie to me -in fact if he did lie.. I would have been happier, ecstatic... When My sex drive climbed insatiably.. I opened up the masturbation question (finally!)....what a shame...as I realized how badly we missed each other and it should have never been...He suffered far more than me with the higher drive during those years.

At this time, however, He couldn't keep up with me (3 times a day would have been heaven).. I WANTED HIM TO BE A HORN DOG in the worst degree, wishing he was 20 yrs younger.....I was also questioning his Testosterone levels.. even sent him to the Doc for this (He was Low normal).... I wanted to hear he was yanking it for years -when we didn't have as much sex...

When I asked him how often he did this through the years...he told me he didn't masturbate ..only 1 time during our marriage (story there -in trying to conceive a girl, a co-worker told him to yank it that am ...he did.. and we did conceive our only daughter that night)...what a revelation! ...

But he went on to say.. He always waited for me.. he said he felt like that would be "cheating" (his words).. but again he loves to look.....I remember him getting up early in the am looking at these beauties before work sometimes ..... I said "WHAT!@#...and tried my darnedest to drag this out of him.. telling him he's not normal, OMG he has a Testosterone problem then!!... I was visibly upset hearing he didn't masturbate, I even cried .....it caused me great concern!@#

For Goodness sakes he would have been better to stretch the truth here.... but still he insisted he always waited for me.. I can attest when we had sex.. he was ready to explode every single time..

Then I had to confess I was a "Cheater " then...cause I masturbated plenty of times over the years, yeah even looking at hot men...Lord.. what a crazy conversation this was... and a sad one too.. because in those moments I realized WHY he had some resentment towards me - waiting like that.. and how pathetically bad we missed each other , should have been having more sex !! I denied my husband !!.. sometimes I would get horny in the middle of the night and feel he needed his sleep.. half the time I woke him up, half the time I went solo...

Upon hearing that .. he said "Hell , that's important.. it would be like waking me up to tell me the house was on fire!"... never forget that crazy comment..

So today.. both of us wait for each other.. during my insatiable period... I did masturbate maybe 10 times as he wasn't there and I just needed it...

I asked about his habits before we met... he said he used to do it up to 5 times a day.. that made me feel better.. like he sure didn't have a T problem back then ! The patience my husband had through the years -waiting for me.. I could have NEVER ever done that.. I would have been mad as a hornet ..caused a lot of grief.. happy I am not a man..

I like porn, watching it -more than he seems to... he doesn't want to see the man in the video at all.. he's happy I am a "dirty old woman" though.
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post #116 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
A lot of women say this same thing.

Are you saying that if he was honest with you, porn would be okay?

As in, he tells you upfront at the beginning of the relationship: "I'm going to use porn fairly consistently throughout our relationship. This is something all men do. You'll have to get used to it."

Does that make his porn use hurt less?


I discovered my husband's porn because I would walk in on him using it; he would think I was asleep already and I wasn't.

Or he'd leave VHS tapes in the player with porn on them.


Or he'd pick up a "dirty magazine" in a store and look at it, with me standing by him. Not all stores kept them behind the counter wrapped in brown paper wrappers. Independent convenience stores would have them in the magazine racks with everything else.

And when I'd get hurt; he'd tell me that I had to accept it....he didn't say it that nicely though.


Honesty is great, but it never made the pain hurt less.
I probably might not have been okay with it if my husband told me this when we first were dating, but if he had of done that then at least we could have came to a compromise or went separate ways instead of now being 20 year in and having kids to think about. When this first came out I hated my husband for making me choose between my own happiness or my kids happiness. Leaving him now would destroy my children, something I really don't want to do. Is it fair that he put me in that position? I don't think so.

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post #117 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Yes, of course. I have done. My daughter has no illusions about men. I wish someone had told me the same about the true nature of women.
If you had met a nice woman that would not have brought out your "true nature," would you be watching porn today? Are we pure when we are young and are just brought down by others? Isn't there a higher ground?

Long ago, when we, as humans came from the animal kingdom, we used to kill to protect our family. We don't have to do that anymore.

Porn is a remnant of our need to pass our DNA to any female in heat we saw. Can't most of us evolve to a higher level and respect the other sex? Do we really need to look at porn? Is it not animal behavior?

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post #118 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Dug never looks at porn. I guess I just took that for granted all these years. But it has surely benefitted our marriage, even without my ever really thinking about it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #119 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:15 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I probably might not have been okay with it if my husband told me this when we first were dating, but if he had of done that then at least we could have came to a compromise or went separate ways instead of now being 20 year in and having kids to think about. When this first came out I hated my husband for making me choose between my own happiness or my kids happiness. Leaving him now would destroy my children, something I really don't want to do. Is it fair that he put me in that position? I don't think so.

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Yeah, life would have to be really bad before I would accept to not be with my children every day of the year, or to let another person come into their life as a major influence.

I could see not wanting to have sex ever if I were married to a deceiver, though. No trust, no real intimacy.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #120 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:16 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Honesty is just a tool for seeing into your and the other person's heart. If what you see is not good, there is the opportunity to change or leave it.

I am sorry he has not changed, notmyrealname.

What keeps you from leaving him?


Well, the porn was the first two-thirds or so [guessing] of our relationship.


For the last several years [5,6,7?] his health has declined in ways that directly affected his sex drive:

Significant weight gain [but he is still very tall and good looking, if much heavier]. He has never tried to seriously lose weight.

High blood pressure. He's on meds. The med he takes affects his ability to get erections.

High cholesterol. He's not getting it treated, I don't know why.

Low testosterone. He's not taking testosterone. I don't blame him; I can't take hormonal birth control for health reasons.

Back problems; due to midriff weight gain, for the most part.

Anti-depressants-----his sex drive just sank when he started taking these. They really help him at work though; he used to massively stress out over work.

Tired, low energy, poor sleep-----I think this is low-T related. I'm sure exercise and weight loss would help, but that's probably never going to happen.


Anywayzz, sex is not on his radar. Porn or otherwise. And I'm sure that if his health and fitness and testosterone improved he's be back to porn in no time. Despite his "Christianity" and despite his "love" for me.

A couple of months ago we got a new tablet. I was playing around with it learning my way around and I saw where he was looking on YouTube Penthouse playmates and twerking videos {on his history}. So, maybe every once and a while he still jerks off to images of sexy women.

I'm so detached and tired, I don't care anymore emotionally.

But he was supposed to provide me with a functioning penis, or some kind of sexual attention as a substitute. I see that as his marital duty.

And what would I leave him for? A man who loves me so much he wouldn't use porn? That man does not exist. Sex and love are not related to one another. If they go together, that is great. I mean an extreme example to make a point: rapists enjoy sex, but they sure don't love the woman they are ejaculating into. The existence of rape porn proves this.


We'd be doing young women a service to let them know this as soon as they are old enough to perceive it.


And I only address the sexual history of our marriage. My husband and I have many good components to our relationship.


But I have asked myself---- "if you had it all to do over again", or "what would you tell your 19 year old self, if you could"------strange things to consider.


What are you telling your daughters about sex, porn and men, jld???
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