Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:24 AM
jld
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post
Well, the porn was the first two-thirds or so [guessing] of our relationship.


For the last several years [5,6,7?] his health has declined in ways that directly affected his sex drive:

Significant weight gain [but he is still very tall and good looking, if much heavier]. He has never tried to seriously lose weight.

High blood pressure. He's on meds. The med he takes affects his ability to get erections.

High cholesterol. He's not getting it treated, I don't know why.

Low testosterone. He's not taking testosterone. I don't blame him; I can't take hormonal birth control for health reasons.

Back problems; due to midriff weight gain, for the most part.

Anti-depressants-----his sex drive just sank when he started taking these. They really help him at work though; he used to massively stress out over work.

Tired, low energy, poor sleep-----I think this is low-T related. I'm sure exercise and weight loss would help, but that's probably never going to happen.


Anywayzz, sex is not on his radar. Porn or otherwise. And I'm sure that if his health and fitness and testosterone improved he's be back to porn in no time. Despite his "Christianity" and despite his "love" for me.

A couple of months ago we got a new tablet. I was playing around with it learning my way around and I saw where he was looking on YouTube Penthouse playmates and twerking videos {on his history}. So, maybe every once and a while he still jerks off to images of sexy women.

I'm so detached and tired, I don't care anymore emotionally.

But he was supposed to provide me with a functioning penis, or some kind of sexual attention as a substitute. I see that as his marital duty.

And what would I leave him for? A man who loves me so much he wouldn't use porn? That man does not exist. Sex and love are not related to one another. If they go together, that is great. I mean an extreme example to make a point: rapists enjoy sex, but they sure don't love the woman they are ejaculating into. The existence of rape porn proves this.


We'd be doing young women a service to let them know this as soon as they are old enough to perceive it.


And I only address the sexual history of our marriage. My husband and I have many good components to our relationship.


But I have asked myself---- "if you had it all to do over again", or "what would you tell your 19 year old self, if you could"------strange things to consider.


What are you telling your daughters about sex, porn and men, jld???
I just have one daughter, but four sons. I have not said anything to her. She has actually told me more about porn and young men than I ever would have known to tell her.

She said a lot of young men she knows have ED from too much porn. Their girlfriends cannot compete with the images they are used to.

That is just amazing to me, that men in their early 20s can only orgasm with porn.

I have told my boys to stay away from porn, that it will bring a lot of problems. I have asked them to think about the people they want to be, and if porn is really part of that.

I certainly do not monitor what they look at on their computers. But they understand that the choices they make will affect their lives. They will pay the price for their choices by the people they become. I hope they will choose wisely.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #122 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:30 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

@SimplyAmorous



I am glad that you have such a devoted husband, who is totally enamored and respectful of you. The more happiness in the world, the better.


I do think, though, that if you had been walking in on him regularly with his pants around his ankles---masturbating to anything and everything he could get his hands on; you'd be singing a different song.

And I'm glad that you never had that experience. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.


And I understand that you are probably far prettier and sexier to your husband, than I am to mine.


I think your situation is rare. Beautiful, but rare.
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post #123 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:31 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by notmyrealname4 View Post

I discovered my husband's porn because I would walk in on him using it; he would think I was asleep already and I wasn't.

Or he'd leave VHS tapes in the player with porn on them.


Or he'd pick up a "dirty magazine" in a store and look at it, with me standing by him. Not all stores kept them behind the counter wrapped in brown paper wrappers. Independent convenience stores would have them in the magazine racks with everything else.

And when I'd get hurt; he'd tell me that I had to accept it....he didn't say it that nicely though.

.
Right now my husband is not using and I have to hope that he has enough respect for me to tell me if or when he want to start looking again like i asked him to do.. no more lying. If or when that day comes if i decide to stay in the marriage regardless of the porn than at least it will be my decision and i will have to live with it regardless of whether i like it or not. And if I can't handle it then I have the choice to leave.

If he lies to me again and starts using in secret than he has tied my hands and I will leave. I still have my self respect and dignity and I am worth an honest open relationship and I am demanding my husband treat me with the same respect I treat him.
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post #124 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:34 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I just have one daughter, but four sons. I have not said anything to her. She has actually told me more about porn and young men than I ever would have known to tell her.


I don't have kids. And when it comes to issues like this; well, it's one of the times that I'm really, really glad that I don't.

What a maelstrom for a young woman to have to deal with. Having to send your beautiful sweetie out into a sexual cesspool.


I hope she can find a guy like Dug.
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post #125 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:38 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I don't have kids. And when it comes to issues like this; well, it's one of the times that I'm really, really glad that I don't.

What a maelstrom for a young woman to have to deal with. Having to send your beautiful sweetie out into a sexual cesspool.


I hope she can find a guy like Dug.
If she can't, I don't think there is any point to getting married.

And thank you for your kind words.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #126 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:40 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

Sorry, I don't agree. If a female is using a vibrator to take care of herself, to replace a portion of her sex life with her H, it is no different than a guy watching porn to do the same. It doesn't matter the means, the end result is the same.

Quote:
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Why?

If porn is okay, and good and healthy. What's wrong with your daughter [or son] doing it?
If someone wants to do porn that is their choice. Just b/c I think it is a horrible job for a variety of reasons which is why I wouldn't want my kids to do it, doesn't make it any less right or wrong for the people who want to be involved in it.



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It's not blame shifting. It's enforcing a boundary. Imagine how much better things would be for the person enduring a marriage with a rejecting spouse if he/she were to enforce their boundaries.
The way Daisy framed it, it is blame shifting. As she said, using porn could be the reason for ending the marriage in her post. How about the SO who deprioritizes sex in the relationship, or rejects? Sorry, they are the ones responsible, not the person who may be using porn as a way to meet their needs that the SO is neglecting.




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Everyone has their reasons for watching porn. I'm actually not opposed to those who do watch it. That's their preference and personal choice. However, I do have problems with people who know their partner disapproves of it and, instead of addressing it directly, they hide and lie about it.

It's a rhetorical question but if porn is affecting the relationship negatively or is something that needs to be hid from a nonapproving partner, why not just bring it up and hash out the problem one way or the other?
I do agree with this as I have stated before I do believe in some (many?) situations porn can be a negative in a relationship. I only have issues with, as I stated above, with spouses who deprioritize/neglect/reject the sexual needs of the other person but then gets all bent out of shape b/c that person turns to porn as a means to meet some of those needs.



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I'm assuming that you're talking about my post. I don't think hypocrisy is nonsense in any case but why do you think it is in the case of porn?

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My comment wasn't directed to you as it was the general conversation here. See my response above to NMRN4
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post #127 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 08:43 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Right now my husband is not using and I have to hope that he has enough respect for me to tell me if or when he want to start looking again like i asked him to do.. no more lying. If or when that day comes if i decide to stay in the marriage regardless of the porn than at least it will be my decision and i will have to live with it regardless of whether i like it or not. And if I can't handle it then I have the choice to leave.

If he lies to me again and starts using in secret than he has tied my hands and I will leave. I still have my self respect and dignity and I am worth an honest open relationship and I am demanding my husband treat me with the same respect I treat him.
@farsidejunky

If your wife had said the above to you when you were using porn, how would you have reacted? Would it have increased your respect for her?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #128 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:01 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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The way Daisy framed it, it is blame shifting. As she said, using porn could be the reason for ending the marriage in her post. How about the SO who deprioritizes sex in the relationship, or rejects? Sorry, they are the ones responsible, not the person who may be using porn as a way to meet their needs that the SO is neglecting.

You are right, it's not fair to the other spouse to not make sex a priority and deny the other spouse and if my husband had been honest and told me he need more sex or he was going to look at porn, or just a straight up i need more sex and i did nothing than i would have no one to blame but myself for his porn use. I could chose to live with it or leave.

I understand why people use the porn when sex in a relationship is nonexistent , but it still does not make lying and hiding things from your spouse ok. If 20 years ago my husband had of being honest about his sexuality and what he needed from me and if i didn't try to make sex a priority he would use porn to masturbate, than i would have made changes back then, that i have now. We could have saved ourselves from all the mess, but he was uncomfortable with talking about sex and i was as well.

I think mu husband realizes that now and has cheated himself out of a lot of great years of sex.
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post #129 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I agree that lying is generally bad. There are sadly though some of us in relationships where our spouses do not want sex. Do not think we should want sex. Do no think we should use porn. They also do not see anything wrong with their view of the universe and have no desire to discuss or change it. In this situation I don't see a problem with lying about porn. (or divorcing which in many cases is the right answer).



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This is very true in some cases, but if you are being frequently turned down for sex by your partner I think there are problems in that marriage and lying to you spouse about using porn is not going to help that, it's going to make it worse and probably end your marriage.

I wish my husband had of been a man and told me what he wanted all those years ago instead of going to porn. He would of saved me all this pain and angry. I might have been pissed off with that conversation when it first happened, but when i calmed down i would have made the changes that my husband wanted because I love you him and want him to be happy, and if i wasn't able to make those changes i would have let him go for the same reasons. I know he doesn't want to lose me or break up our family but, he didn't have the right to make that choice, and by lying about the porn he has permantly damaged our relationship. We are working now to get it back but it will never be the same. I will never look at him the same...
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post #130 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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You are right, it's not fair to the other spouse to not make sex a priority and deny the other spouse and if my husband had been honest and told me he need more sex or he was going to look at porn, or just a straight up i need more sex and i did nothing than i would have no one to blame but myself for his porn use. I could chose to live with it or leave.

I understand why people use the porn when sex in a relationship is nonexistent , but it still does not make lying and hiding things from your spouse ok. If 20 years ago my husband had of being honest about his sexuality and what he needed from me and if i didn't try to make sex a priority he would use porn to masturbate, than i would have made changes back then, that i have now. We could have saved ourselves from all the mess, but he was uncomfortable with talking about sex and i was as well.

I think mu husband realizes that now and has cheated himself out of a lot of great years of sex.
I agree with your point based on your experience. I am talking about more from the standpoint that the couple has discussed the issues and nothing has changed. I know the default response on TAM is "Well, then divorce the person" lol. However, everything else in the relationship could be going well, or it isn't something that the person wants to divorce over, so they find an alternative to meet their needs.
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post #131 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Sorry, I don't agree. If a female is using a vibrator to take care of herself, to replace a portion of her sex life with her H, it is no different than a guy watching porn to do the same. It doesn't matter the means, the end result is the same.


Yes, I agree. Porn or solo use of sex toys: they are replacing a portion of your mutual sex life. For both men and women.

All I am saying is to make the equivalencies accurate:


A man watching porn = a woman watching porn

A man using a stroker sleeve = a woman using a dildo


However,


A man using porn ≠ a woman using a dildo

A woman using porn ≠ a man using a stroker sleeve


Why is there a difference?

Because watching real people means you are getting off to real people. People that you are vicariously having sex with.

I know a lot of guys say, "I'm not getting off to the woman, I'm getting off to the sex act".


What is a sex act? Well, in this case, it's a naked woman who's not your wife, doing just about anything that you'd like to see her doing.

Your arousal, excitement, orgasm are provided by and satisfied with the images of the woman in porn.

Or think of it this way; film a porn without anyone performing sex acts. What would you have? Nothing. Sex acts and the bodies of those performing them are the same thing.

It's virtual cheating. Nothing more, nothing less.


And I know: Tough. Too bad. That's how it is. Who are you to think you would be everything to your husband? You're just insecure. You're jealous and controlling. You've got a problem. You must really hate sex. You're a prude. If my wife was like you, I'd jerk to porn all the time too. You're probably fat. He doesn't think you're pretty enough. You're probably not any good at sex.........

I know. I'm the loser. I'm a minority.


But using a sex toy is not the same as looking at porn. When you have an orgasm, it DOES matter what stimulates you to have one.


I do not expect to be attractive to most men. I don't want to be attractive to most men. I wanted to be the most attractive woman to my husband.

And I'm not. I get it. Signal transmitted, message received.
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post #132 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:09 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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@SimplyAmorous

I do think, though, that if you had been walking in on him regularly with his pants around his ankles---masturbating to anything and everything he could get his hands on; you'd be singing a different song.
Yes I would ... Please don't think I would ever think anything like this is OK... it's not ...it's more hurtful than words can express.....what this can do to a woman... living with that.... I wasn't following the posts here.. so maybe my post was out of place with the flow of conversation ....I didn't share to even hint that porn is all well & good ...Porn addiction is very real.. I have visited such forums, reading some stories even.. I would be wholly devastated to walk in on that...the anger and HURT would wash all over my body being the sensitive woman I am....I know I wouldn't be able to live with it.. I'd get depressed.. full of anger...I'd resort to telling him if he didnt' want me.. I'd find someone who did.. I would lash out...

If I was denying him.. it would make a little more sense to me.. but that's the thing.. what is the overall situation..our stories are all different.. my heart is always for the one who is wanting, desiring the intimacy... and against the one abusing it.. taking it for granted or wasting it somewhere else -like a computer screen, while the one they love suffers.

My husband is "to the extreme" in devotion where it HURT Him and it just shouldn't have been... I feel if he felt rejected by me.. he should have enjoyed himself now & then...

The other is...as far as I am concerned.. replacing a spouse .. I greatly emphasize with what this can do to a woman emotionally...

I feel our yrs of infertility -his waiting to deposit his sperm conditioned him "to wait" - so he got used to it.. but it still took a toll on him.. in this way.. even this situation was not ideal...it was a blessing I had to walk in his shoes for a time to understand how it would FEEL...
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post #133 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I agree that lying is generally bad. There are sadly though some of us in relationships where our spouses do not want sex. Do not think we should want sex. Do no think we should use porn. They also do not see anything wrong with their view of the universe and have no desire to discuss or change it. In this situation I don't see a problem with lying about porn. (or divorcing which in many cases is the right answer).
If lying is the only way you can keep your spouse from leaving, are they even worth being with. Maybe the wife knows about the Porn use and choses to look they other way as she doesn't want to leave or put into the marriage what her husband needs. I understand these situations happen and I share some of the blame for my husband turning to it, but I have fixed my end of the problem I expect him to fix his end.



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post #134 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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But using a sex toy is not the same as looking at porn. When you have an orgasm, it DOES matter what stimulates you to have one.
How do you know that the person using the toy isn't fantasizing about someone else who is not their SO? Explain how that would be different then someone watching porn to masturbate? How about someone who actually needs visual stimulation in order to masturbate (i.e. just trying to conjure up images in your heads doesn't work)? I know the impression for some (not saying you, but I have seen a few females state so) is that all a guy needs is his hand and a bar of soap, and he is off to the races. That is not necessarily true.
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post #135 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-07-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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I agree with your point based on your experience. I am talking about more from the standpoint that the couple has discussed the issues and nothing has changed. I know the default response on TAM is "Well, then divorce the person" lol. However, everything else in the relationship could be going well, or it isn't something that the person wants to divorce over, so they find an alternative to meet their needs.
If you have talked to your spouse about what you need and that you will be taking care of yourself if they won't try to meet it then I think the other spouse better learn to live with it or leave, but don't take that choice from them. I'm not saying flaunt your use, but if asked about it, don't lie. I have asked over the years and was lied to.

If a wife repeatly refuses to have sex and demands her Husband not look at porn and uses divorce as a consequence/threat, well that is controlling manipulative behavior...not healthy at all and I feel bad for those men as their backs are against the wall with no where to go.



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