Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 10:46 AM Thread Starter
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Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

There have been several threads on here about what it seems to be mainly wives wanting divorces because their husbands have been watching porn.

Personally, my wife doesn't have a problem with me watching porn, or me her, and I do it from time to time, if our sex life is really frequent I basically don't use it at all but have had dry spells in the past where I would have used it 3 or 4 times a week. She has told me she's looked at it a few times but it didn't do anything for her. She's more into erotic books.

I got to wondering what is it about watching porn that is the problem?

Do they honestly think their men are doing anything other than masturbating with something impersonal and arousing to look at?
Where do they stand on romantic / erotic fiction, vibrators, "chick flicks" etc which all encourage them to imagine themselves swept away and ravished by some hunk other than their husband (ok not the vibrators !!!) ?
Is it lying about porn is the issue rather than the porn itself?
Do men feel the same way about their women watching porn alone?
How do these women feel about masturbation?
Do these women have lots of sex with their husbands?
Do these women ever talk about sex with their husbands?
Is it a power / control thing in that there is nothing else they can shame their husbands about except this?

The only reason I use women above is that I never see threads from men about this stuff.

Anyone got any input?
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post #2 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by Good Guy View Post
Anyone got any input?
Many women have body issues and that their husband's use of porn emphasizes her own self esteem issues with weight, best size, hair color, and so on.

Many husbands LIE to their wives about porn use and it is hard to love someone that is constantly lying in a relationship.

Porn for the most part is unrealistic. Some women struggle to reconcile their husband's view of sexuality of what he has been seen in porn versus what actually happens in the marriage bed.

Many men use porn as an EASY and alternate way to relieve sexual tension as opposed to taking the time needed to deal with ongoing issues in a relationship. Generally speaking sexual tension should motivate a man to solve problems in a marriage sooner than later, but porn will more often than not just allow him ignore things.

Some wives struggle with the idea that their husband's sexuality is just an arbitrary drive and that any available outlet to relieve sexual tension will work. Porn use emphasizes this idea and makes her begin to feel used during intimacy in the marriage.

Husbands that use porn are often overstimulated and may begin having trouble enjoying natural intercourse.

Most importantly those experiencing problems in their marriage are often completely unable to address the problems listed above in a respectful and confident manner. Most revelations of the above will destroy self confidence and result in bitter disputes.

Regards,
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post #3 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:29 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Many women have body issues and that their husband's use of porn emphasizes her own self esteem issues with weight, best size, hair color, and so on.
Not if you watch granny porn

I think women fail to realize that we husbands are not as motivated by our wives looks as they think we are. A sexy attitude and an open mind in regards to sex trumps looks every damn time.

My wife is 50 years old and she is sexier to me today than when we first got married. Truth.

That's my opinion and I'm stickin to it!

"I know now how it came to me, I was sittin around one day, after my second divorce, I said hey, maybe if I learned how to f$ck real good I wouldn't have to give away everything I f$cking own every five f$cking years!"
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post #4 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:31 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by Good Guy View Post
There have been several threads on here about what it seems to be mainly wives wanting divorces because their husbands have been watching porn.

Personally, my wife doesn't have a problem with me watching porn, or me her, and I do it from time to time, if our sex life is really frequent I basically don't use it at all but have had dry spells in the past where I would have used it 3 or 4 times a week. She has told me she's looked at it a few times but it didn't do anything for her. She's more into erotic books.

I got to wondering what is it about watching porn that is the problem?

Do they honestly think their men are doing anything other than masturbating with something impersonal and arousing to look at?
Where do they stand on romantic / erotic fiction, vibrators, "chick flicks" etc which all encourage them to imagine themselves swept away and ravished by some hunk other than their husband (ok not the vibrators !!!) ?
Is it lying about porn is the issue rather than the porn itself?
Do men feel the same way about their women watching porn alone?
How do these women feel about masturbation?
Do these women have lots of sex with their husbands?
Do these women ever talk about sex with their husbands?
Is it a power / control thing in that there is nothing else they can shame their husbands about except this?

The only reason I use women above is that I never see threads from men about this stuff.

Anyone got any input?
Some men substitute porn for their wives, you can see how that would be a problem right? Also some young men confuse porn for what real sex is, which also affects them by the way. Who can compete with camera tricks and men who hit the well endowed lottery. Basically sometimes there is a very good reason for being pissed off about it.
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post #5 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:32 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
Many men use porn as an EASY and alternate way to relieve sexual tension as opposed to taking the time needed to deal with ongoing issues in a relationship. Generally speaking sexual tension should motivate a man to solve problems in a marriage sooner than later, but porn will more often than not just allow him ignore things.
Wow I never thought of this, makes a lot of sense.
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post #6 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:33 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Some men substitute porn for their wives, you can see how that would be a problem right? Also some young men confuse porn for what real sex is, which also affects them by the way. Who can compete with camera tricks and men who hit the well endowed lottery. Basically sometimes there is a very good reason for being pissed off about it.
This above is the main issue. We have seen several threads here brought up by women about their husband's who show little interest in sex yet always find time to whack off to porn. That doesn't exactly send the best message across.
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post #7 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

I can't speak across the board for wives who don't approve of porn. I'm totally fine with it, as long as my partner isn't using it as a substitute for me, or neglecting me in favor of using the porn.

But my mom... is dead-set against it. And the list of why's is a mile long:

--It makes her feel inferior and bad about her body because she doesn't look like those women, never has, and (at 65) never will
--She thinks it is degrading to women
--She thinks that if a man has a wife/partner, he shouldn't want or need it because he has someone he can see naked
--Makes her feel like she isn't enough for him

Etc, etc. My mother doesn't make a habit of reading erotic fiction, but she reads enough novels with steamy sex scenes in them for me to know that she's not a total prude. But she doesn't equate those steamy novels/sex scenes with porn.

But with my mother, I think it's also about control. She wants to control everyone and everything around her, and she can be very manipulative. She loves using shame as a weapon to control people. So she makes the fact that my dad likes porn ALL ABOUT HER (and my points above really are all about her issues), when it really has nothing to do with her, whatsoever. As much as I dislike thinking about my dad as a sexual being... he's a dude, and dudes like naked chicks. They just DO.

It has nothing to do with the way my dad feels about my mom. He has put up with her sh!t for like 40 years, and she gets more batsh!t crazy every year, and he will stick around no matter how crazy she gets, because he loves her, and he would never in a million years cheat on her, because he loves her. Even if he likes looking a naked chicks he doesn't know, and likes to watch them having sex on film.

She used to say to him, "You have two daughters! What would they think if they found this? To know that their father is ok with demeaning and objectifying women?" She tried to use us to shame him. Which is funny (and a little sad), because I DID find his video stash when I was home between my freshman and sophomore years of college, and I DID watch them... and I didn't think any of that. I was really curious (this was before porn was so easy to find on the internet), but my biggest reaction was that I was a little icked out to think of my father as a sexual person. But I never for one moment thought that he didn't respect women. He had always taught me to be a feminist, and that I could do anything that a boy could do, etc, etc. He is more interested in a person's character and abilities than their gender. The fact that he has a sex drive, while it icks me out, doesn't change any of that.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

"Either you're interested, or you're not. Fvck yes or no... As in, if it isn't fvck yes for you, leave me the fvck alone. I don't have time for playing games."
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post #8 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Some men substitute porn for their wives, you can see how that would be a problem right?
Yes of course. I'm talking about relationships where the man is more than willing to have sex with his wife (i.e. the vast majority of them).

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Also some young men confuse porn for what real sex is, which also affects them by the way.
That's what proper sex education is for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Who can compete with camera tricks and men who hit the well endowed lottery. Basically sometimes there is a very good reason for being pissed off about it.
With that mindset we shouldn't watch any Hollywood movies. On my first trip to the States I was amazed there were so many ordinary, overweight and normal looking people just like back home. I was comparing Hollywood movies to the reality. Another thing struck me was how friendly and polite everyone was, exactly unlike the movies. Fantasy vs reality. If you can't tell the difference you got bigger problems.
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post #9 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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This above is the main issue. We have seen several threads here brought up by women about their husband's who show little interest in sex yet always find time to whack off to porn. That doesn't exactly send the best message across.
I agree, however there are women and men who basically assume any porn use is cheating. I also think this is the other extreme. Also some of that comes from insecurity.

To me porn is nothing at all like sex. The only similarities are you use the same parts. Sex is a very intimate experience you share with someone. Porn is more like brushing your teeth or something. Not much more meaning then that. It's sad when both men and woman think of the two as the same thing.

For instance, before I lost my V card when I was young I used to think this was true, until after my first time. Then it was quite obvious that they were nothing alike. Years later I think of this and think "what a dumb@ss". Oh to be young.

Anyway, 2 cents given.
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post #10 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:45 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Some men substitute porn for their wives, you can see how that would be a problem right? Also some young men confuse porn for what real sex is, which also affects them by the way. Who can compete with camera tricks and men who hit the well endowed lottery. Basically sometimes there is a very good reason for being pissed off about it.
Porn can be used differently.
I watch porn often but never(well almost never) masturbate to conclusion. I use porn, Viagra, testosterone cream and wine to get my 55 year old Willy Johnson in tip top working order.

"I know now how it came to me, I was sittin around one day, after my second divorce, I said hey, maybe if I learned how to f$ck real good I wouldn't have to give away everything I f$cking own every five f$cking years!"
Sam Kinison
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post #11 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by EllisRedding View Post
This above is the main issue. We have seen several threads here brought up by women about their husband's who show little interest in sex yet always find time to whack off to porn. That doesn't exactly send the best message across.
We've also seen several where the man is good in every other way imaginable and this is his one vice. Still they talk about divorce as the only option.
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post #12 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Yes of course. I'm talking about relationships where the man is more than willing to have sex with his wife (i.e. the vast majority of them).



That's what proper sex education is for.



With that mindset we shouldn't watch any Hollywood movies. On my first trip to the States I was amazed there were so many ordinary, overweight and normal looking people just like back home. I was comparing Hollywood movies to the reality. Another thing struck me was how friendly and polite everyone was, exactly unlike the movies. Fantasy vs reality. If you can't tell the difference you got bigger problems.

Yep, I was not advocating, you asked so I gave you some reasons why I think this is.

I do think if someones wife has a problem with it it's up to you to get her on board or decided what you are going to do. It is absolutely wrong to hide it, and then if you get caught you have real problems. Hiding personal things in marriage makes for a bad marriage.
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post #13 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:50 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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We've also seen several where the man is good in every other way imaginable and this is his one vice. Still they talk about divorce as the only option.
In that case they just married wrong. Seems like a waste in my opinion but everyone is entitled to their boundaries. Better to talk about these things before you get married.
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post #14 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I agree, however there are women and men who basically assume any porn use is cheating. I also think this is the other extreme. Also some of that comes from insecurity.

To me porn is nothing at all like sex. The only similarities are you use the same parts. Sex is a very intimate experience you share with someone. Porn is more like brushing your teeth or something. Not much more meaning then that. It's sad when both men and woman think of the two as the same thing.

For instance, before I lost my V card when I was young I used to think this was true, until after my first time. Then it was quite obvious that they were nothing alike. Years later I think of this and think "what a dumb@ss". Oh to be young.

Anyway, 2 cents given.
I agree 100%. That's what I was getting at with the original question - not about freaks who are addicted to porn over their wives and all else. That's a different matter. I'm talking about the type that the husband is caught "again" after 2 years of not using porn. I mean, seriously, I think someone like that isn't capable of an adult relationship. If I were that husband, that would make me want porn more, as there would be a "naughty" element to it annoying my prudish wife!

They really must be projecting - they must be furiously comparing their husband to the fit gym instructor each time they use their vibrator when their husband isn't around. I'm probably being judgemental here.

Last edited by Good Guy; 01-06-2017 at 11:56 AM.
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post #15 of 357 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: Wives (and husbands) who don't want their partner using porn

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
I can't speak across the board for wives who don't approve of porn. I'm totally fine with it, as long as my partner isn't using it as a substitute for me, or neglecting me in favor of using the porn.

But my mom... is dead-set against it. And the list of why's is a mile long:

--It makes her feel inferior and bad about her body because she doesn't look like those women, never has, and (at 65) never will
--She thinks it is degrading to women
--She thinks that if a man has a wife/partner, he shouldn't want or need it because he has someone he can see naked
--Makes her feel like she isn't enough for him

Etc, etc. My mother doesn't make a habit of reading erotic fiction, but she reads enough novels with steamy sex scenes in them for me to know that she's not a total prude. But she doesn't equate those steamy novels/sex scenes with porn.

But with my mother, I think it's also about control. She wants to control everyone and everything around her, and she can be very manipulative. She loves using shame as a weapon to control people. So she makes the fact that my dad likes porn ALL ABOUT HER (and my points above really are all about her issues), when it really has nothing to do with her, whatsoever. As much as I dislike thinking about my dad as a sexual being... he's a dude, and dudes like naked chicks. They just DO.

It has nothing to do with the way my dad feels about my mom. He has put up with her sh!t for like 40 years, and she gets more batsh!t crazy every year, and he will stick around no matter how crazy she gets, because he loves her, and he would never in a million years cheat on her, because he loves her. Even if he likes looking a naked chicks he doesn't know, and likes to watch them having sex on film.

She used to say to him, "You have two daughters! What would they think if they found this? To know that their father is ok with demeaning and objectifying women?" She tried to use us to shame him. Which is funny (and a little sad), because I DID find his video stash when I was home between my freshman and sophomore years of college, and I DID watch them... and I didn't think any of that. I was really curious (this was before porn was so easy to find on the internet), but my biggest reaction was that I was a little icked out to think of my father as a sexual person. But I never for one moment thought that he didn't respect women. He had always taught me to be a feminist, and that I could do anything that a boy could do, etc, etc. He is more interested in a person's character and abilities than their gender. The fact that he has a sex drive, while it icks me out, doesn't change any of that.
Great post, your Dad did a good job.
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