Problem with wanting sex to just be natural - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #31 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:07 PM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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I'm guessing she likes being in control, but revealing a fantasy to me would involve her letting go. While she trusts me in our marriage, she would probably fear that I would use such knowledge about her fantasies to extort more sex out of her. Would I do that? Probably...
Halloween is a long way off. But take her shopping for a costume or clothes that suggest "she's in control". Maybe walk through a big mall and see where she wants to shop. For some that might be something black and stilettos. For me, maybe a train engineer's cap and overalls. See what she chooses. Mardi Gras is coming; St. Patrick's Day. You can always pause at the Victoria's Secret window too, but don't discount the possibility that it might be Sears and major appliances. Have fun with it.
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post #32 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 03:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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Halloween is a long way off. But take her shopping for a costume or clothes that suggest "she's in control". Maybe walk through a big mall and see where she wants to shop.
Walking through a ginormous mall and letting her see where she might want to shop actually is a huge fantasy of hers, and he tends to be rather vocal about that one. She would not be interested in any type of costume, odds are she going straight to the section of the store that has winter cloths on clearance to try and find a deal.
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post #33 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 03:40 PM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

I don't know what it could be but if you do Tap into the power of mind reading let me know how you do it. Seems necessary in today's realtionship lol
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post #34 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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I don't know what it could be but if you do Tap into the power of mind reading let me know how you do it. Seems necessary in today's realtionship lol
I was trying something different today and was allowing it to be all about her. At first she resisted saying that I did not need to do what I was about to try. So I told her that I would start trying something and at any time she could ask me to stop. Then I would stop and pretend I heard her say something as if she said stop... which turned into her begging me not to stop!

So while you CAN'T READ A WOMAN'S MIND, you can misread it on purpose and trick her into correcting you!



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post #35 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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I was trying something different today and was allowing it to be all about her. At first she resisted saying that I did not need to do what I was about to try. So I told her that I would start trying something and at any time she could ask me to stop. Then I would stop and pretend I heard her say something as if she said stop... which turned into her begging me not to stop!

So while you CAN'T READ A WOMAN'S MIND, you can misread it on purpose and trick her into correcting you!



Badsanta
How very Jedi mind trick
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post #36 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:39 PM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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odds are she going straight to the section of the store that has winter cloths on clearance to try and find a deal.
Well, duh. So you smilingly drop some cash on a pile of winter cloths, then pile them up on the bed or couch when you get home, and then "so now what do we do with these honey?" Without overtly suggesting sex. Yeah, she'll know sex is in the background, but you might get a surprise that might lead to something else down the road.
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post #37 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:13 AM
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She's yanking your chain. Your idea she enjoys the pursuit is on the money. Even if there a fantasy, telling you about it in that manner is playing games. Either scenario should be unacceptable.

The solution is to act like the fantasy doesn't exist. Do not mention it or do anything to give the satisfaction she seeks. If she brings it up again, tell her you won't let anyone yank your chain. Anything important enough for you to invest effort is important enough to discuss openly.

At the end of the day, she will (1) stop screwing with your head or (2) actually tell you what it is. Either is better than you being driven like cattle to a new pasture.

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The other day my wife and I were discussing fantasies (mostly mine). She revealed to me that she has a very particular fantasy, but that she will not tell me out of fear that it would absolutely ruin the experience by making it feel scripted and planned as opposed to her desire for it to happen completely naturally. She said she has been waiting twenty years for me to try it one day and that she hopes I will figure it out soon.

SERIOUSLY?

Badsanta

PS: There is a small chance that my wife has no fantasy and she said that to make me work harder at making her happy. That would be so like her as she admittedly enjoys messing with my head and teasing me in that exact way.
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post #38 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 08:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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She's yanking your chain. Your idea she enjoys the pursuit is on the money. Even if there a fantasy, telling you about it in that manner is playing games.
I'm thinking her yanking my chain to see what I will do next IS HER FANTASY! In the past, when she yanks, the more creative I get.

My challenge is coming up with ideas that play out naturally. In the event I need to have supplies handy or something involves a novelty I usually mess that up. She will be in the mood, and then I'm running across the house to my secret hiding place, trying to open one of those plastic packages that are welded shut, can't find the scissors to get it open, and eventually running into the office to chop it open on the cutting board. By the time I get back to the bedroom with it she wants to know where I went and WTF is that I have in my hands... So I have to chance it and have it hidden under her pillow. The few times that works I accuse her of doing all sorts of deviant things. I then reach under her pillow as if searching for evidence and I am like, "ah ha! look what I found!" and that one usually freaks her out because then it becomes obvious that she just got played and fell into my trap, which she likes.

Now imagine how that works the majority of the time. I hide something under her pillow and she is just not in the mood. Then she goes to sleep all night with something like this under her pillow while I cringe that she will find it and completely ruin any chances of being surprised by it later:



But I am one step ahead of her!
What? An ultra tiny lockbox under your pillow? Hmmmm, I bet I can guess the combination! ...and I'll ONLY open it if she gets back in the mood!

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post #39 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

Hi,
Ask her to leave hints around the house that are not descriptive so that you can figure it out. Leave clues like a treasure hunt. May be 20 leads might do. Ask or or does she hint or get involved in the story line when watching T.V? (like we do watching football, playing video games etc.? Take a look when she is spending an extra long time at pictures in magazines, does she subscribe to something, steal one or two of her romance novels that she raves about and read it. There may be a hit there. Try to keep your ears open when she is on the telephone talking to her mother, daughter, friends. Take her friend to the side and ask. "Hey Joan, I want to spice up my marriage, Has my wife hinted what she would like. The best scenario would be it so say. "I want to make you happy. Tell me what you want!" The reason being is that she will grow in contempt and will fell ashamed and feel that she is not safe to share her most intimate part of herself. When you or she gets to the point of too afraid to share, ask for needs net, and do not set up the right occasion to romance that leads the champagne room the marriage is over. Six months ago my wife was talking to daughter about wanting a pink tool set because I and her son kept using her tool bag. Least be told, she liked the pink Craftsman tool bag and the pink generic tool set I got her from Menards for $10.00/$20.00 and I had to submit a rebate form. $10.00 made her smile on Christmas day.

I tell you that when the safety feeling stops in relating or other emotional stuff, no amount of counseling can undue the chastity belt in your heart and soul to continue loving her or her loving you anymore. She is not telling you do to shame or fear. Plus women want us to know what is in their mind. You know how that is. I don't think either of us picked the winning lotto numbers to win a million dollar jack put.

Go on a hunt and listen and observe - it could be fun. "When she says I am waiting for you to figure it out- again." Do this, Look in her eyes, and say, "Oh, this can be fun, I can be your romantic Sherlock Holmes!, Leave me some clues around the house my sexy Watson kittin," Then KISS her and walk away somewhat immediately. Don't open your mouth at all to say something. If you become the first person you talk after you said that, the intrigue ends like a failed catch by a fullback in the end zone and you just ruined the moment. As you turn your back and walk away it will most likely should bring a smile to her face and hopefully intrigue her.

Good luck and you have nothing to lose. I, and others will be excited for your mission to see if it ever pans out. Get going and report so us men can have our Hallmark moment! besides us crying when Lee Marvin blows up a German McMansion in the "Dirty Doze." LOL>
Dude! Please spill the beans an give us details the morning after. Us may learn something we can use.

David
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post #40 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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Originally Posted by DTO View Post
She's yanking your chain. Your idea she enjoys the pursuit is on the money. Even if there a fantasy, telling you about it in that manner is playing games. Either scenario should be unacceptable.

The solution is to act like the fantasy doesn't exist. Do not mention it or do anything to give the satisfaction she seeks. If she brings it up again, tell her you won't let anyone yank your chain. Anything important enough for you to invest effort is important enough to discuss openly.

At the end of the day, she will (1) stop screwing with your head or (2) actually tell you what it is. Either is better than you being driven like cattle to a new pasture.

I think you miss the point. If you read the OP's many threads, it's pretty clear that, as much as he posts "complaints" about his sex life, he clearly enjoys the mind games. He plays them too. A lot. This is the dynamic of their marriage. One that, apparently, works for both of them. Otherwise, one or both of them would have put an end to either the head games or the relationship a long time ago.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #41 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 01:16 PM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

I just really dont think it could her wanting to be raped. That sounds like it could be a little strange. I guess i am this way because i have been raped.
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post #42 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 02:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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I think you miss the point. If you read the OP's many threads, it's pretty clear that, as much as he posts "complaints" about his sex life, he clearly enjoys the mind games. He plays them too. A lot. This is the dynamic of their marriage. One that, apparently, works for both of them. Otherwise, one or both of them would have put an end to either the head games or the relationship a long time ago.
Time for me to work myself up into a "creative temper tantrum!"
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post #43 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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The other day my wife and I were discussing fantasies (mostly mine). She revealed to me that she has a very particular fantasy, but that she will not tell me out of fear that it would absolutely ruin the experience by making it feel scripted and planned as opposed to her desire for it to happen completely naturally. She said she has been waiting twenty years for me to try it one day and that she hopes I will figure it out soon.

SERIOUSLY?

Badsanta

PS: There is a small chance that my wife has no fantasy and she said that to make me work harder at making her happy. That would be so like her as she admittedly enjoys messing with my head and teasing me in that exact way.
A shot in the dark: having slightly forceful sex with a stranger? (You pretending to be the perpetrator. Obviously. Don't bring a friend!)

I tried that once and was amazed that I hit bull's eye.
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post #44 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:26 PM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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20 years! Wow!
I stumbled on one of my wife's fantasies by accident. That was after about 5 years.
When i asked where her orgasm came from, one like I had never seen before, she told me she had wanted me to do that to her for years! Go figure. I'd have never guessed she had that fantasy, and when i asked, she said she never would have told me. She was afraid i would have thought she was a perv or something. One thing....it was nothing i would have thpought of doing, much less that she wanted me to.

Anyway....i did it all the time after that.....and i did it better and with more and great enthusiasm!
She told me another little thing she wanted to try later, and i did that too! Then...another and another.
One good ffantasy deserves another....


Get her drunk, and pry it out of her!
Or you may never know what you are missng....and her either!

Ok, now this is just a sin not to tell us what it was

That was my experience too: once you open the flood gates...
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post #45 of 71 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:42 PM
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Re: Problem with wanting sex to just be natural

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PS: There is a small chance that my wife has no fantasy and she said that to make me work harder at making her happy. That would be so like her as she admittedly enjoys messing with my head and teasing me in that exact way.



Way to go Mrs. badsanta
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