Feeling sexually desired - Talk About Marriage
Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 02:11 AM Thread Starter
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Feeling sexually desired

My wife and I have been together for 7 years. We recently had two children which are 19 and 5months. I know the kids pull alot of yenergy out of her but it seems like she isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. It's mostly me who initiates or ask for intimacy and I'm beginning to feel like I'm more of a inconvenience than anything.
Sex with her has always been great but now I'm just not feeling wanted. Any advice on what I can do to turn this trend around?
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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 02:50 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

It's normal. Hormones play a big part in the first year after birth (especially if she's still nursing the baby). Her sex drive should come back. I would mention that it's an issue for you though and that perhaps she could 'help you out' when she's really not in the mood. Having kids is tough, especially if they are so close in age. Good luck.


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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 05:42 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

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Sex with her has always been great but now I'm just not feeling wanted. Any advice on what I can do to turn this trend around?
Discuss birth control and the dynamics of her getting pregnant right away again for a third child. This topic may be causing her anxiety. Make sure you two are both in agreement and support each other.

Her energy levels are likely taxed to the extreme from caring for two young kids. You should find any way possible to let her sleep a little extra and relieve her from taking care of the house. If you are able, hire a maid for a few days each month. Also hire a babysitter so she can get out of the house and feel like a normal person. You may even want to offer to take care of the kids yourself for a full day and let her have some space/rest. It is important that you empathize with her for what it feels like to take responsibility of both kids for a full day.

If she is breastfeeding, odds are she is getting "touched out" meaning that she has had too much personal contact with her body by the end of the day and just needs some personal space to decompress. Further pawing at her for intimacy can make her feel overwhelmed. Do NOT try and force her to get in the mood by rubbing and grabbing at her. Just tell her how beautiful and attractive she is, make it extremely easy for her to please you, and compliment her for doing so. She should respond very well to this as opposed to you pushing her to enjoy things and getting frustrated in the event she does not have the energy needed to get aroused.

I would suggest the two of you have a long conversation about masturbation and make sure that you can both remain playful and support each other's views on the topic. Desire sometimes needs a little distance, but desire does not need to be hidden or shamed.

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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:10 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

Of course no one likes to feel like a nuisance but fwiw, take it from me, it's not about your wife not thining you desirable.

I take it you have explained to your wife that you would like to feel more desired and want her to initiate more. If you have, my guess is she will try harder but you have to realise that with all she has on her plate she might not be able to keep up any increase in initiating etc routinely or indefinitely. There will be ups and downs and I can only say, as personal as it feels, don't take it too personally. There's no instant or easy answer to turning the trend around but just do keep communicating as Badsanta said.
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:33 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

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There's no instant or easy answer to turning the trend around but just do keep communicating as Badsanta said.
Sometimes playful conversations can be way more erotic than anything else you have experienced. Hopefully you can give her the confidence to do this with you without feeling obligated to have sex, and in a way that makes both of you feel desired and complimented.

A very important aspect is for her to appreciate your desire for her and find creative ways to nourish that even in moments that she may be exhausted. In order for this to happen, communication is key!

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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 07:16 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

IF she is breastfeeding... this could diminish her sex drive .....The hormone prolactin is greatly elevated during breastfeeding.... which lowers sex hormones estrogen and testosterone.

The opening chapters of this book... The Alchemy of Love and Lust gives a story of a couple who almost divorced over it.. neither of them knew WHY this was happening.. when they came to learn how normal it was for her to NOT be feeling it.. understanding "this will pass"... they had something to work with.. to better meet each others needs..

It's a common story... Will my libido return when I stop breastfeeding? | Ask MetaFilter

Breastfeeding and Libido: What Your Doctor Doesn’t Tell You About Sex
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

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Originally Posted by inmyprime View Post
It's normal. Hormones play a big part in the first year after birth (especially if she's still nursing the baby). Her sex drive should come back. I would mention that it's an issue for you though and that perhaps she could 'help you out' when she's really not in the mood. Having kids is tough, especially if they are so close in age. Good luck.


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^ This

Is she frequently rejecting you, or is it just a matter of you needing to be the one to initiate?
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

Also what's your wife's love language?

You may be doing your utmost to help her in certain areas but do you know which area is the one to put most effort into to best help her feel appreciated, loved and yes, desired.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

I'm guessing that the fact that you two have a mutual history of betrayal and that you are actively considering divorcing your wife because of that history, may be contributing strongly to the lack of great sex in your marriage currently. The tension of a bad or unhappy marriage, which I will assume yours is right now, on top of the stress brought by two very young children, is a very effective antidote to sexual desire. I would think that fixing the blazing resentment and trust issues in your marriage will be as important, if not more so, than figuring out how to navigate the infant and toddler years.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi

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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

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Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
I'm guessing that the fact that you two have a mutual history of betrayal and that you are actively considering divorcing your wife because of that history, may be contributing strongly to the lack of great sex in your marriage currently. The tension of a bad or unhappy marriage, which I will assume yours is right now, on top of the stress brought by two very young children, is a very effective antidote to sexual desire. I would think that fixing the blazing resentment and trust issues in your marriage will be as important, if not more so, than figuring out how to navigate the infant and toddler years.
Ummm ... yeah ... this above would have been rather helpful as part of the OPs post ...
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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 09:12 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

Your issues go well beyond intimacy problems due to hormones, fatigue, whatever. You are both two very immature people. I suggest counseling for both of you, only for the sake of those two poor babies. Smh.

Is it bad enough to divorce over?

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...-she-road.html
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 09:23 AM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

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Your issues go well beyond intimacy problems due to hormones, fatigue, whatever. You are both two very immature people. I suggest counseling for both of you, only for the sake of those two poor babies. Smh.

Is it bad enough to divorce over?
Even mature people of capable of indiscretions when feeling lonely and/or hurt. I do agree with @PhillyGuy13 that some counseling would help. So that both of you are aware of what are realistic expectations and how to manage that when it is very different from what you want. Otherwise you two will continue hurting each other.

Problems are not always bad, but sometimes what caused them is taken for granted. For example you took for granted that she would be emotionally loyal to you even during bad fights.

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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:43 PM
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Breast feeding kills your sex drive. I had ZERO interest in sex during those first 6 months, then once the baby started eating solid and nursing less, it came back with a vengeance. Do more for her, expect less from her and she will come back to bed with you as long as that's her norm. Me and my H AR like two Randy teenagers so once the nursing ended it was a ridiculous amount of sex again hahahah
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

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Originally Posted by JJKKDM View Post
My wife and I have been together for 7 years. We recently had two children which are 19 and 5months. I know the kids pull alot of yenergy out of her but it seems like she isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. It's mostly me who initiates or ask for intimacy and I'm beginning to feel like I'm more of a inconvenience than anything.
Sex with her has always been great but now I'm just not feeling wanted. Any advice on what I can do to turn this trend around?
Perhaps your W is 100% in the mom role with precludes the W roll for you? Couples fall into this rut and a majority not realizing it. Other than your W mom duties, etc. do you take your W away from the mayhem as often as you can? Or are you part of the mayhem?

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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 01:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling sexually desired

She doesnt always reject me when I ask for intimacy but when we do have sex its more like a chore for her. I know my wife and what makes her feel good and I can tell shes not really enjoying it.
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